Hello, everyone. I am Yours The Author, but please just call me The Author. As I'm sure you'll be able to tell, this is my first posted fan fiction. I'm rather nervous and a little excited. I'd thought of this plot a while back, but I never got around to writing it down until last winter break. I'm fairly certain that the title and description say it all, but I'd just like to say here that this is not how I honestly see things. It's been hyperbolized for a few minutes of entertainment to you, The Reader, and is my way of stepping my toe into the very deep end of the fan fiction pool.

You'll notice a lot of references in this story, but the pairing is Hetalia related so I'll put it there. Why did I choose the pairings I chose? I'm rather indifferent to those pairings, so I myself wouldn't be biased on the matter. Apologies to all for any offense. I hope this can go behind us and never be thought of again.

Is this how actual fans act? I honest to goodness hope not. Do I own any of the references in this story? Obviously not. I technically own myself and the story plot, and my sister and Moirail own themselves, of course. I'll type all of the things I don't own right now. *The Author takes a very deep breath* I do not own Hetalia, Vampires Suck, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, Portal 1 and 2, The IT Crowd, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, The Heroes of Olympus series, The Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, Ao Oni, Homestuck, the disgruntled fanboy, Florida, Christmas, Edgar Allen Poe, Cupid, Soul Eater, Pokémon and Pokémon Cards, Ouran High School Host Club, Animal Crossing, Sgt. Frog, Welcome to Night Vale, Five Nights at Freddy's, Dragon Ball Z, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Tangled, and The Twilight Zone. *The Author wheezes* That's a lot of stuff I don't own. If there's something else not listed that I didn't say I owned, I don't own it either. Critiques are welcomed and I hope you enjoy. I'll see you at the end of the story to explain the footnotes and leave some last words. Okay, Author, you've wanted to do this for a long time. Your career as an author is about to unofficially begin. You can do this. Your pets believe in you. And... go!

*Skip edit to better the story flow*

Anna waved a sign reading "USUK" over her head and screamed, "America you're the best!"

"NO! France is!" Bella retorted. She smacked Anna in the back of the head with a shovel. Anna stabbed Bella with a pair of scissors. Bella made a wail of rage before flinging herself upon her enemy shipper. Tables, chairs, and pieces of carpet flew this way and that. The patrons of the restaurant made a wide arc around the fandom fury.

Outside one of the many wide windows, a group of haters watched the girls roll about on the floor. Adorned in white lab coats and safety goggles, their pencils flew across their clipboards. This was exactly what they had come for. This isolated example of Hetalia fans killing each other over a pairing conflict was one of the best fodders for their machines of war—websites designed to make people feel bad for liking stuff.

Chell shook her head at the fight. Perched atop her rather singed Companion Cube, she signed for the waiter to bring her another slice of cake. The waiter looked at her nervously. "That'll be your third piece… are you sure—" Chell glared at him and angrily signed, "Did I stutter?" The waiter sheepishly shuffled away, passing a group of Portal fans who nudged each other jokingly and whispered, "Portal 3 is confirmed!"

Finally, Germany couldn't take it anymore. He slammed his fists on the table and roared, "EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Everyone shut up, because it's apparently near impossible to keep fighting when Germany yells. Then again, I wouldn't want Germany yelling at me a second time, would you? "We came to this restaurant to have a perfectly calm lunch, not argue about which pairing is superior to the other because Hidekaz said this or that happened in volume whatever! This is exactly why those three declined coming today! Think about it, you dummkoepfe!"^1

Anna and Bella looked at each other before slowly removing their tangled limbs. Germany nodded, saying, "That's better," before returning to his unfinished meal, a dictionary covered in ketchup. Italy began tying all of the tissues in his tissue box together so he could slurp it up like pasta. Japan, wisely, said nothing as he tried to piece apart the shoe on his plate with chopsticks.

That day, Anna and Bella had been invited by the Axis trio to dine with them at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. As Germany mentioned, America, England, and France had also been invited, but when they learned that the girls would also be there, they politely sent a telegram reading, "YEAH NO FORGET IT STOP."^2

Anna cut a piece out of her rubber ducky and ate it, staring with contempt at Bella, who was glaring at the daisy poking out of the mound of dirt in her bowl. Dirt actually wasn't bad, if you ate the right kind, ate it quickly, and washed it down with something strong before the awful after taste set in.^3 No, Bella wasn't mad about the dirt. It wasn't even a real problem. It was just that she had ordered her dirt on a plate, not in a bowl, and that kind of thing can just ruin your day.

Bella got an idea because the story was already going to be rather long and we needed to hurry this up. She spooned some dirt onto her teacup saucer and shaped it carefully. Anna had finished her ducky and was almost calm again when a spoon bounced off her arm. Snapping her neck up, she saw Bella with a lone daisy hanging out of the corner of her mouth, and pointing at the saucer. There, in dirt lettering, read, "FRUK". Anna growled and bit the tines off her fork. Italy, who had since finished his tissue box, looked at his fork. "I didn't know these were edible," he said.

"They're not," Anna replied. Italy hurriedly set down his fork. Bella, not about to be outdone by this USUK shipper, ate her knife, spoon, and empty teacup. Anna felt threatened and ate one of Japan's chopsticks. Bella quickly nabbed the other, starting the one up man ship of who could eat the most utensils. Japan looked at his shoe and wondered what he was doing with his life.

A few tables away, a group of Greeks and Romans were eating lunch in peace, talking about the goings on at their respective camps, and snickering at the shenanigans at table 42. They shouldn't have done that, because while they were distracted, Leo stole all of their utensils and built a fire extinguisher. Frank turned into a goldfish. These events did not correlate in any way whatsoever.

The kids from Ao Oni were also there, sharing a large, perfectly normal birthday cake for Hiroshi, or rather, all six Hiroshi's. Then again, most of them should have been dead. But, look, this is the Restaurant at the End of the Universe we're talking about here. If you haven't figured it out already, anything and everything is possible here. This is where fandoms collide, where tensions and flamers are on the rise. Speaking of anything…

Three semi-immortal gods stood in the corner of the restaurant so that Germany's incessant whining only sounded like a leaf blower instead of a plane. A short Sylph of Time was holding the taller Page of Light in her arms bridal style while the slightly stocky Knight of Mind glared down at her. "For the last time, Artist, put The Author down. This story is getting weird."

"No way, Vet," said The Artist. "I told you; I'm taking the light away." A stick of bamboo thumped against a stone.^4 "Arty, no, that joke's been done," The Author said monotonously. "And why are you holding me, anyway? You'd never be able to lift me in real life, not that you've tried all that often…"

"You tell me. You're the one writing the story. You're writing down my words as I speak." This was true. The mechanical hands attached The Author's cape were scribbling every phrase it thought important into a notebook, including this sentence. (Have you ever wondered how stories could be written while the author was in the middle of the action? Well, now you know.)

"Just put The Author down, Artist. Her blood's rushing to her head."

"I'm fine, Vet, really."

"Well, I'm not," said a disgruntled fanboy. "I don't even know why I'm here." A young man sat near the gods and sipped a complimentary coffee while reading a manga.

"I was originally going to say gender balance, but now I know that's not a very polite thing to include someone for," said The Author.^5

The fanboy finished his manga and ate it. He looked at The Author with disdain. "You didn't think this out at all, did you?" he asked.

"Not really. I was in a dazed stupor of Floridian Christmas and Edgar Allan Poe when I wrote this."

"Whatever, I'm out. Peace." The fanboy put his coffee in the trash and left the restaurant. The Artist suddenly dropped The Author onto the floor without apology. The Author looked up at her moirail^6 with shock.

"I know that The Artist would never purposefully drop me. Who are you and what have you done with my friend?"

"The Artist is at her house asleep, because her computer is still dead. I'm the manifestation of multiple personalities compiled into the appearance of your friend because you literally almost never leave the house during the summer except when someone makes you."

"Wow, really?" said The Vet.

"No, actually, I'm Cupid." And it was so.

Maka and the Soul Eater gang burst through the kitchen doors and shouted, "That's not Cupid! That's a Kishin named after some famous murderer guy!" They all drew their weapon partners and began to engage in strife.

All of these events went unnoticed by Anna and Bella, who had since eaten the entire table. Italy was cowering behind Germany, whose face would have been the color of ketchup if it weren't already covered in the stuff. Germany had made the mistake of shoving his dictionary in his mouth so neither girl eat it first, and his stomach was none too pleased. Japan, once again, took the wise path of running out of the restaurant, only to be assaulted by haters.

"This is getting us nowhere," said Anna, spitting a shoelace out of her mouth.

"I agree," said Bella.

"So you'll stop now?" Italy asked hopefully.

"Never," Bella raised her FRUK sign and shouted, "FRUK fans, to arms!" The building rumbled, and a crowd of crazy FRUK people rushed through the western entrance. Anna raised her own sign and cried, "USUK fans, form ranks!" The restaurant shook again, and some bloodthirsty USUK beings charged through the east entrance. Germany wiped the ketchup out of his eyes just in time to see the opposing shippers leering at each other. As there was no longer a table to slam his fists upon, he opted for stomping his foot angrily and yelling, "EVERYONE—" the rest was drowned out by the sound of screaming fans. They threw themselves at each other, tearing out their hair and clawing at the other's skin. The hater's pencils flew across their clipboards so fast their goggles caught fire, but it was okay, because they were immune to flames.

America, England, and France shuddered in the trashcans they'd been hiding in inside the restaurant. England threw up a Trubbish Pokémon, which flew into the sky before being cut in half by Bec Noir.^7

This is the feeding ground of haters. This place where people like these shippers, possibly people you know, are harvested by flamers to furnish their machines of war. Not many shippers were there that day since most fans had sense enough to stay home^8, but small groups with a negative message have a powerful voice.

As the not Cupid took the final blow from Death the Kid, he let loose his last arrow of love, which struck Germany in the back of the neck. Everyone paused, because even fandom battles can't continue if a character is hurt. Italy looked up at his captain. "Germany, are you—"

As love arrow laws go, Italy, being the first thing Germany laid eyes on, immediately became the object of his affection. He got down on one knee, opened a box with two tomato rings in it, and said, "Italien, ich liebe dich. Will you marry me?"

"YES!" screamed the GerIta fans.

"NO!" wailed the not GerIta fans, thus bringing the shipping war to a whole new level.

As Italy donned both rings, Tamaki Suoh flung roses everywhere and cheered, "The Ouran Host Club will be happy to host both of your bachelor parties!" The twins cheered. Mori whistled, signaling the decent of a flight of doves.

Haruhi grabbed Tamaki's coat and said, "Senpai, they're probably not getting married for a while. Can we just leave? I think the twins put something in my food…"

"But Haruhi, think of the grooms-to-be!" Tamaki whined. Haruhi sprouted wings and flew away.

"No…" the Host Club moaned, and Tamaki, Mori, and the twins turned into roses, which were trampled by angry fans. Kyoya wrote something in his notebook, stuffed his belongings in Hunny's mouth, and left the restaurant, senpai in tow.

Death the Kid, meanwhile, had no interest in having only one soul to give to his weapon partners; he wanted two. Despite protests from Lizzy and Patti, he let Soul and Black*Star duke it out. Kid nodded appreciatively at Italy's symmetrical rings and walked out of the restaurant. He doffed his invisible fedora at the perfectly built snow man from Animal Crossing sitting next to the haters. The haters would have been glowing like torches if not for the snowman, because no one is cruel enough to purposefully melt the Animal Crossing snowman^9. Speaking of why the snowman was here…

"Why was it so important for you to be here again?" Keroro asked. He sat with Tamama on a table next to a window crowded with Sgt. Frog fans, waiting for something to set them off. Giroro polished his gun with gritted teeth as Kululu laughed the laugh that made everyone love him and despise him. Dororo, meanwhile, was teaching The Author how to play Pokémon cards.^10

"So, I place the energy card here… and now it's your turn?"

"No," Dororo said calmly. "It goes there."

"Like this?" The Author moved the card left an inch before vanishing.

"Where did she go?" The Vet asked worriedly.

"Home, it seems. Do you want to play—?"

"Hang on, Author, sister's coming for you!" The Vet slapped on another energy card and vanished after The Author.

"Hey, where's Zeroro"?" Tamama asked suddenly.

"No one cares about me!" Dororo cried, his trauma switch turning on.

"We Pekoponians care about you!" a fan outside the window cooed.

"It's 'Pokopenians', you idiot," someone else replied.^11 The group of fans stepped into the restaurant before beginning their fight, because battles aren't allowed outside the restaurant. The squabbles quickly mixed, and Kululu's master plan was almost ready. Just a few more distractions, and…

How… do you slow… this thing down…?

How… do you make this thing down…?^12

"This has been the weather. Now, listeners, we have something special for the report today here at Night Vale radio station. Carlos—perfectly imperfect Carlos—is going to help me with the show today." Cecil's voice sounded clearly through the small radio being held by the handsome hand of a handsome scientist. "Carlos is at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe right now, and is going to report the meals of the day live in the stead of a recently culled intern. Now, since our radio equipment was confiscated by the Sheriff's Secret Police due to the nonexistent visions of nonexistent angels and nonexistent mountains that were affecting our deceased intern's ghost, I'm going to call Carlos with my cellphone and put it on speaker so that we all can hear him. I'm dialing his number now…" There was a pause. A phone rang once. Carlos answered it with a handsome hand while holding the small radio in his other handsome hand.

"Cecil, when you asked me if I wanted to go on a science trip, this wasn't what I had in mind."^13

"Hello, Carlos," Cecil said calmly. "How are you this evening?"

"I'm a little less than fine, thank you." Carlos dodged a flying suitcase. "There's a huge group of people fighting in the middle of the dining area, but the other patrons aren't acting like this is unusual. Everyone is shouting words I've never heard of, eating things that should be inedible, and there are strange creatures here I've never seen… if only I had my science equipment—"

"Now, Carlos," Cecil chided. "I told you there would be no need to do your science thing inside the restaurant. Of course there are groups of people fighting everywhere. That's part of the atmosphere there that so few restaurants have. I want you to just relax, try some of the entrees, and maybe we could go there someday to—" Carlos gasped and dropped the radio. "Carlos? What's wrong?" Carlos gulped handsomely.

"A large group of green men just entered the building. They have colorful hats and pointy weapons and they're all looking at me. Cecil, I don't want to be here anymore, and I don't want you to bring me here for dinner. Ever." Carlos didn't hear anything. A green man with a yellow hat stole the radio and replaced it with a saltshaker. "Cecil, are you still there?"

"Listeners… and Carlos, I'm reporting from underneath my desk…"

"Why are you under the desk, Cecil? Is management angry again?"

"No, but… I assume you and our listeners remember the desert storm that happened a while back and brought all of the lookalikes?" Carlos hummed in agreement. "Well, I have not received reports of this happening anywhere else in Night Vale, but I think my doppelgänger is back… and I don't think he's alone!"

"Hello?" A voice called in the background. "Is anyone else here? Why isn't there any blood?" A girl's giggle echoed in Carlos' ear.

"Cecil, I'm coming to get you." Carlos declared. "Sorry, but I seem to have lost your radio."

"Carlos, no," Cecil hissed sharply. "For your safety, I forbid you from leaving the restaurant."

"Who's there?" Another giggle rang out.

"Cecil, this place is much more dangerous than your lookalike could ever be, based scientifically on the evidence I see before me. I'm coming back to Night Vale."

"…Alright, fine," Cecil whispered. "But you have to promise not to enter the radio station. I can see the man who looks like me but isn't me in a reflection on my microphone, and it looks like he's holding the large metal shell of a… yellow bear?"^14

"Oh, there you are!" Cecil gasped and the line went dead.

Carlos shoved the phone into the pocket of his lab coat and made a dash for the exit, screaming, "I'm coming, Cecil!" Alas, though Carlos was one of the few to survive the Restaurant at the End of the Universe that day, not many would ever know of Carlos' epic journey to rescue his boyfriend. The only hater who had been in any position to notice him was too busy shooting paintballs at Hetalians. Perhaps someone would have noticed a tall, dark, handsome scientist race to the closest space train station out of the End of the Universe, had not the last piece of Kululu's master plan arrived just then…

"STUPID FROG!" Natsumi Hinata stormed into the restaurant, pink pigtails swinging. Keroro's green skin turned white as a sheet, Tamama high tailed it to the nearest vending machine, Giroro's head swelled like a balloon and floated to the ceiling, Kululu kuu'ed, and Dororo cried over his fainted Squirtle card.

"Why, Natsumi," Keroro said nervously as Natsumi stomped over to him, stopping right on top of the red X painted on the floor. "What are you doing here?"

"Don't play dumb!" she snapped, waving a paper with a bad drawing of her with "Natsumi stinks" written in green ink. A collective gasp went up from the Natsumi fans in the brawling group.

"You followed us all the way here for a picture?" Keroro asked.

"So you did draw it."

"Um—" Natsumi reached over, plucked Keroro off the table, swung him around at inhuman speeds, and tossed him across the room… just as Kululu had planned.

Keroro screamed as his bounced off of Chell's back, making her shoot her Portal Gun onto her cake and turning it into a condensed point of space. Keroro wailed as he smashed through the six Hiroshi's birthday cake, causing it to fall on version six Takuro and set his ponytail on fire. Keroro yelped as he rebounded off of the ceiling and into Leo's fire extinguisher, startling Percy into turning into a cactus and extinguishing Takuro's ponytail. Some of the burned hairs fell into the space that had been Chell's cake, powering up the point. Keroro yelled as he smacked into Soul Eater, who had finally gotten the Kishin egg in his mouth before it popped out and became a part of the point, directing the location of the receiving end of the point. Keroro cried out as he slammed into Itchy, who flung the radio that had been squirming in his hands and begging for a charger at the Animal Crossing snowman, ACCIDENTALLY knocking its head off, darkening the mood of the restaurant exponentially and stabilizing the point. Keroro finally came to a stop, landing on Tamama's tail which caused him to launch a Tamama Impact at the point, making its levels go over nine.

…^15

The energy from the blast knocked both rings off of Italy's hands, and the gravitational pull tugged the rings into the point, closing it for good. Deep in Mordor, two tomato rings appeared next to the One Ring as it fell into the fire, thus ending the war in Middle Earth.

Everyone gasped; the Sgt. Frog fans were especially angry at The Author for making their beloved Kululu the villain of this story. However, only Kululu and The Author herself knew that the rings were cursed, as they were part of the Kishin's arsenal for killing. Of course, there was no way Italy would know that.

"Those were my wedding rings!" He screamed.

Japan burst back in to the restaurant and wailed, "The universe is lost!" Of course, Japan didn't mean it was lost because the GerIta ship sank. He was outside the whole time, remember? It was lost because when I say, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe", I don't mean the edge of the known universe, I mean at the time where the universe reached an end. Everyone screamed as the restaurant blew up and killed them all.

A little ways away, a spaceship hovered above the carnage. Two men stood in the shadows of the dark hull watching the explosion below. One of the men glanced at his colleague. "Is it always like this?" he asked. The other man nodded.

"It's unavoidable. You put two opposing shippers in an enclosed space for enough time, and utter chaos will befall them."

"Is this the end?"

"Only one. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe only appears when it is necessary for this to occur, due to the whimsical humor of the universe. That's why this story reads an end, not the end." He acknowledged the mechanical hands floating behind him, still scribbling away. "The only thing that could have saved them was the reconciling of their differences."

"So you just triggered an end of the universe just to prove your hypothesis?"

"Yes."

"Well… good job. Excellent use of the visual aid portion of your project."

"Thank you, Professor," said the student, and he piloted the ship away, following a path not unlike the one the space train had just taken to Night Vale…

"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosion and fallout. There are weapons that are merely thoughts, attitudes, prejudices—to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy and a thoughtless frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own for the children… and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is… that these things cannot be confined to… The Twilight Zone!"

-The Narrator, The Monsters are due on Maple Street, Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone

An End

*Story skip edit to better the story*

Wow... that was probably longer than most people's first fictions. I also worry that it might be better written than the more serious works I really want to get into. Oh, well, I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Thank you very much for reading all the way to the end. If you noticed something that you think could be improved upon, tell me in a review! But no flamers, please. Partially because that's gosh darned rude, partially because flamers get blown up in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I will now explain all of the footnotes that you saw. Ahem...

1=The plural form of dummkopf, spelled thus because "oe" is the English equivalent of o with dots over it. I'm sure you already know what it means.

2=Telegrams are written in all caps, and the end of the sentence is signaled by spelling out "STOP". If you read A Series of Unfortunate Events, you would know this.

3= I know this based on the time I ate a dirt flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean. Oh, that reminds me; I don't own Harry Potter, I'll just say that again for safety.

4= This is the Japanese equivalent of someone playing the drums after a joke. But I'm sure you already knew that.

5= I originally was going to say this, but it occurred to me when I was typing it up it was very rude. I'm sorry to all those offended. I'll check my privileges next time.

6= The human equivalent would be platonic soul mates, or best friends for so long you better not call her your best friend she's my best friend do you see me look at you in a way that suggests my displeasure?

7= This was pretty much the only thing with little relevance to the story. I think I wanted to let The Reader know how those three were doing.

8= At least, I hope so.

9= At least, I hope so.

10= I literally don't know how to play Pokémon cards. I was always more oriented to the actual game, though I did enjoy watching Pokémon card fights.

11= It's "Pokopenians" in the manga and "Pekoponians" in the anime. The change was because the first was a derogatory name for China during the Sino-Japanese Wars, and has been banned from Japanese TV ever since. Trigger warning on that, obviously.

12= This is the song found in the audio recording of A Series of Unfortunate Events book 10: The Slippery Slope. I have no idea what it's called, so if anyone knows, please tell me. Also, I don't own it.

13= I imagine Cecil convinced Carlos that he could do space science stuff at the restaurant, and the convinced him not to bring his equipment.

14= I'm not sure why Kevin brought Golden Freddy with him. It's the other of the few things not particularly relevant. Also, I don't own them.

15= You thought I was going to say nine thousand, didn't you? You probably thought it before you even read the words.

...

And that's all. Wow, that's a lot of stuff. You have to admit, the quote from Maple Street (Which I don't own) fits the theme of the story really well. It's almost poetic, the quote. I hope I can write something as beautiful one day. But that's all for now. I want to write and submit so many stories, but I'm lazy and have barely any work ethic. I basically sit on a couch all day and picture all of the stories in my head. But I hope this will change that. So please leave a review, tell me what you think, and gloss over my bio while you're at it. I look forward to hearing from anyone, so until then!