Title: Interesting Dynamics

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Hank and Erin are forced to re-explore their complicated 'family' dynamic when an unexpected 'family emergency' causes Voight to have to deal with demons related to his wife's death, his failings in parenting, and the challenges his work has created for his family and for his ability to be the father he wants to see himself as.

Erin glanced at the door as Hank entered the garage. It was a somewhat tentative approach. He gazed in at them and then scanned the rest of the building – likely searching for the Halstead brothers. But they'd left long ago. Somewhat reluctantly.

Jay hadn't wanted to leave. He'd made abundantly clear that he thought Hank had completely lost it. She agreed – but likely not in quite the way Jay was thinking. She was hoping that maybe Hank had just hit bottom and that now they could start to rebuild. She didn't really have time to listen to any of Jay's opinions on her fractured family anyways.

She was trying to take care of Ethan while Will was stressing to her repeatedly that Hank should be taking him to a hospital. She knew, though, arbitrarily making that decision at that point wouldn't do anything to improve the situation. Ethan was stable. He was nodding. He was calming. He was in a bit of pain – but that seemed to be his life at the moment. They could deal with the hospitals and doctors and counselors and head-shrinking later.

Apparently she'd stood her ground enough – given Jay hard enough glares – that they'd both listened and left.

That had been a while ago. It felt like a long while ago. She wasn't really sure how long it'd been. She'd kind of lost all sense of time. The whole night just felt never-ending at that point.

Ethan was sprawled against her. His face was buried somewhere between her breast and her armpit. She didn't think it was very appealing positioning for either of them. But she hadn't said anything. He was trying to hide the fact that he was still struggling with tears. Every now and then another sob would rattle out of him and he'd suck back snot. She was pretty sure that the wet spot she felt wasn't just tears either – boggers and snot. And lots of it. He wasn't fooling anyone. She could feel the struggle to control his teetering emotions in his breathing and his slight trembles.

There was a part of her that wanted to tell him to stop. To get control of himself. But he was. He was trying. A lot had happened and he was still processing and coming to terms with it as much as a 12-year-old could. Hell, her 29-year-old mind was still processing and coming to terms with it.

Besides – telling him to suck it up was Hank's job. She'd done it with Ethan when he was a baby. A toddler and a pre-schooler. Tease him at his tears. Because little kid tantrums didn't count for much. They were usually kind of funny. Though not funny in having to listen or deal with them. But he'd been told to suck it up and that he didn't have it so bad before he was even out of diapers. She'd stopped telling him that after Camille. She figured after all of that he'd earned his right to a lifetime of tears – especially since the majority of the time he kept them under wraps. He was Hank's son. Not a crybaby. Not a pussy – as his father not so delicately put it.

And, he was her baby brother. She was his protector. If she hadn't been protective enough of him before Camille – she'd become fiercely protective of him after. She'd missed him while he was gone. She was glad she'd had work to bury herself in or she might've lost herself then too.

Right now – on night's like this – it felt like a burden to not let herself slip again. It'd be easier to just go back to her old ways. Her coping methods she'd adopted out of survival and self-preservation when she wasn't much more than Ethan's age. The self-torture and self-destruction that her mother had taught her and condoned. That she hadn't blinked an eye at. That she'd procreated. Erin could understand the desire to slip into a drunk stupor to nod with the pills. To shut it all out. To just not feel for a while. She'd like that too. Oblivion. Sometimes it felt nice. Still. Even in her 20s – almost 30s. Even having experienced what having a family was – and a real job and a purpose. Things to take pride in and to take responsibility for. Some times there were some things in your past that you just couldn't shake – not matter how hard you tried. But the oblivion that the drugs and booze provided was always fleeting. It was why you were always reaching for the next bottle. And the next.

And, that's not what she wanted for her baby brother. So she needed to hang tight. He needed to hang tight too.

So they sat. They waited. And she knew – hoped to God – that all of this. Eventually. It'd pass.

Hank examined them and then stepped to the couch. She eyed him. She wasn't sure what he was going to do. But Ethan's reaction at his sensed presence was to bury his face further into her armpit and clutch at her tighter. She rubbed at his back.

Hank grunted at them. Always non-verbal. Like grunting would fix this. It wouldn't. When she just looked at him – slightly unimpressed – he gestured impatiently, clearly indicating he wanted to sit between them. She gave him an even more annoyed look. That wasn't likely to happen – especially with the way Ethan was clinging to her. But as usual, Hank wasn't taking no for an answer.

He stooped and near pried Ethan away from her. Erin had as much of an adverse reaction as Ethan did – him whimpering in protest, though knowing better than to get into too much of a physical fight with his dad. And, then Hank plopped himself between them – his legs spread wide, taking up more space than he needed to.

Ethan seemed to settle stiffly against his father, his face still buried in an attempt to try to hide the crying he'd been doing. To try to avoid the anticipated scolding from his father. But Hank said nothing. They all just sat there again for a while. It almost felt like Erin could feel the time ticking by. Slowly. Almost painfully. It was awkward. It was strained.

But then Hank's other arm came up and wrapped it around her shoulder, pulling her to him slightly. She resisted for a moment but then allowed it, letting herself settle against him too, temple resting against his shoulder. He squeezed at her shoulder and they sat again. She could feel the tension and the exhaustion in him. The deepness of his sadness.

Finally, he stroked her bicep a bit and then reached and stroked her head and hair a few times. He likely hadn't done that since she was about 16 and teetering with her own deep sadness, tension and exhaustion. Hank hugged. He cupped cheeks. He gave little pats of affection. But it was all so measured. Then, though, he tilted his head slightly and placed a small kiss somewhere in the midst of the crown of her head before shifting and doing the same to Ethan, ruffling more at his son's hair and then stroking at his back in slow, calming movements that you'd give a wailing infant.

"You know," Hank finally said after another long silence, "after your brother was born – your mother and I had really wanted to have another baby. For him to have a sibling, 'cuz neither of us had had one. Four. That's what we'd talked about. Four kids. Don't know where we came up with that number. But getting pregnant again, wasn't quite as easy the second time around. Things just didn't seem to want to take. We started seeing some doctors. Thinking about some other options. But then I got my shield and ended up going undercover more and just … busy with work. Not around as much as I should be. And we stopped really trying. Got put on the backburner. Or we just stopped talking about it.

"When your sister came home," Hank said and gripped at her shoulder again, "we made a deal. Erin would live with us. We'd give her a home. But your mom – she wasn't going to do it herself. I was bringing her home. I was going to be home. So I was. I did better about it. I did real good at it for a while. Nd it was good for me too. To be home more with my wife. My kids. My family. I've got a job to do but my family – it's the most important thing. Me being there too – good for the family in other ways too, 'cuz all of a sudden, your mom was telling me you were on the way."

Hank rubbed at Ethan's back more. "Your mom was so excited when we found out she was pregnant. She was fucking bursting with excitement, Magoo," Hank almost whispered. "I was excited too. And your brother and your sister. We were all really happy to be adding you to our family. Even more happy when you got here.

"There's so fucking much of your mom in you. I know you were little and you can't remember everything about her. But I do. And you help me – all this family – remember her, because she's in you, E. Really there. You were her baby boy. A fucking mama's boy. But it worked on you. And it still does. I'm OK with that because it means I still get a piece of Camille. In you. And your brother and sister. But her genes won out with you, Magoo. They really fucking did.

He let out a heavy sigh. One that almost rattled. "I know some people have said things or you've overheard things or you've thought them yourself that somehow me or your brother or your sister would've preferred that it was your mom that pulled through that night. But that's just not true. I know for a fact, that if your mother had any fucking choice in the matter, she still would've picked you to get to live life, Ethan. She wouldn't have thought for a second about making sure it was you who pulled through that night. Because your mother wanted you to live life and experience it.

"She did so much to make sure you were all set up for that. Even with her gone she made sure you were all set up for that. She made sure you had a big brother and a big sister and all these people who really fucking care about you. I know how hard it can be to have to finish growing up without one of your parents. But your mom made sure you've got Erin here to do the things for you and be the things for you, I can't. And she made sure you had a big brother, who's a fucking pain in my ass and stands up to me and argues on your behalf even if he says and does some pretty stupid shit sometimes. And your mom made sure I really, really knew how important family is. Family first. Father first. And being a father to you three is the most important thing to me – even if I go about it in boneheaded ways sometimes. I make fucking mistakes too, Ethan. But I try. I really do fucking try for you kids. And, when you do things to hurt yourself or you say things about hurting yourself – it fucking kills me.

"I figured out how to do this. How to make this family work after your mom was gone. But I don't know how to do that if anything happens to any of you kids. But especially you, E."

Erin gave Hank a small glance. His chin was elongated as he fought back his own tears in glassy eyes. His tongue rotating around the inside of his cheeks as he tried to level himself.

"It will fucking destroy me, Ethan," he rasped raggedly. "Don't do that to me."

A single, quiet tear trickled down his cheek and feel against where Erin's arm was resting. But Hank didn't move to swipe it. He just gripped at the both of them tighter, falling silent again.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So I've been playing with some random chapters/scenes from around Christmas/New Years for this AU and characters. They'd be some spoilers if I were to clean them up and post them. Let me know how you feel about that in a PM or review.

I also have been playing with an idea for a short story set at Thanksgiving that includes the characters from this AU and the SVU characters as set in the Hello, Goodbye/Welcome Home AU. It'd be set in NYC. I haven't started writing that one yet but have been rotating some ideas through my head about the interactions. It'd also contain some spoilers related to this story and also for where WH is headed for any readers of that SVU AU. So let me know how you feel about that too.

Also, so people know, the general feedback I've gotten has mostly been "don't end" this on this story. I'm willing to do that — but people should sort of keep in mind that it means that traditional story structure won't really follow then if it keeps going. There will reach a point where after I get through the climax and resolution of this set of events that things sort of just become scenes involving characters. So making sure people are OK and comfortable with that. It means that there won't be a definitive conclusion. It will evolve into a collection of OS and scenes.

Also, if there are any of my SVU readers who follow this story, just letting you know I have a very rough draft of an OS involving the Liv/Will/Noah characters. If that's something you'd be interested in me finishing/posting, let me know. It's just an OS — doesn't fit in directly in any of the stories.

I'm a little stuck with Welcome Home for the SVU readers who've been asking about it. I know where it's going and it's long ago mapped out. But the next few chapters I need to get through in it have tripped me up so that's why it's been a bit stagnant for a while.