"The Sparrow Hood Show"

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Ever After High or any of its characters. Anyway, Ever After High and its characters are owned by Mattel and the author of the EAH books, Shannon Hale. Since I'm in such a mood for some comedy, I'd figured I do a fic inspired by sketch comedies such as MadTV, In Living Color, Saturday Night Live, and All That. And who better off to be the star of the show than Ever After High's residential guitar-playing loudmouth, Sparrow Hood? Don't worry fans, there'll be other characters too, so here you go, fans!

P.S.: BTW, some chapters will include Sparrow/Duchess, Sparrow/Poppy and Sparrow/Blondie. So go wild, Sparrow shippers!

Chapter 1: The Show Begins

The crowd was packed all around Ever After High's local Spellatorium. They grew restless as they were awaiting to take part in one of the television's most anticipated events. The buzz was insane, the press was packed to the core. The entire school couldn't believe that one of their own was getting their own sketch comedy show. And with a packed crowd full of 500 (that's exactly how much it filled inside the spellatorium), the people were dying to see the introduction to this unnamed show.

With the darkness in tact, the lights soon lit up in a colorful way, which brought out the announcer's voice!

"Ladies and gentleman, it's now time for Ever After's new number 1 sketch comedy show, The Sparrow Hood Show!" Proclaimed Blondie Lockes, who just happened to be the show's announcer.

With the crowd on their feet, Blondie began to introduce some of the remaining cast members (besides Sparrow).

"Starring Daring Charming... Apple White... Dexter Charming... Raven Queen... Ashlynn Ella... Hunter Huntsman... Cerise Hood... Lizzie Hearts... Madeline Hatter... Cedar Wood... C.A. Cupid... Kitty Cheshire... Hopper Croakington II... Briar Beauty... Alistair Wonderland... Bunny Blanc... Humphrey Dumpty... Duchess Swan... The O'Hair Twins, Poppy and Holly... Ginger Breadhouse... yours truly, Blondie Lockes... and now, last but definitely not least, the star you don't want to ever meet in a dark alley or on your daughter's bed, Sparrooooooooooow Hooooooooood!"

The crowd then cheered as a motorcycle came running through the entrance way. Screeching throughout a good part of the stage, the biker took off his helmet to reveal the host of the show, Sparrow Hood. However, the crowd cheered even more when he brought out a microphone from his back pocket. The rest of his fangirls were now awaiting those magical words ever to come out of his mouth.

"Hello everyone and welcome to the Sparrow Hood Shooooooooooooooooooooow!" Sparrow said, while screeching on his trademark guitar.

The fangirls all fell to the floor, fainting in happiness. Sparrow took the time to eat up the chants before they died down. After only a few minutes of cheering, the crowd finally silenced so that Sparrow Hood can talk.

"Like I said, welcome to The Sparrow Hood Show!" He exclaimed. "What is The Sparrow Hood Show, you may ask? Well, have you ever seen shows like All That, Saturday Night Live, In Living Color, Robot Chicken and all of that crap? Let me tell you first-hand that all of those shows don't compare to what I have in store. Take all of those three shows have I mentioned into a blender and an extra piece of bacon, and you got this show! We had an extra piece of bacon ready, but unfortunately, thanks to Hopper, we had to replace that single strip of bacon with canadian bacon."

Just to prove a point, Sparrow brought out a strip of Canadian Bacon in hand.

"May I ask why this isn't bacon in the first place?" Sparrow replied. "I'm telling you, it's f**king ham! Who in the flying f**k decided to name this piece of crap, Canadian Bacon? I'm certain whoever invented this were both on dope and crack. And that they blended together to form a milkshake. Believe me, you would not want to try a dope and crack shake. One taste can turn your entire skin into wrinkles. And let me tell ya, a crackface would have more wrinkles than Headmaster Grimm's ass-fat combined!"

A huge laugh then broke around the Spellatorium for that burn.

"Anyway, you're gonna see everything on this show," Sparrow explained to the crowd. "You're gonna see me make fun of my castmates, tons of cleavage, pop culture references, special guests, and for fun, we'll also get some time to read some fanmail for the rest of you. Mostly some of the letters will come from me, Sparrow Hood. Humphrey Dumpty doesn't count, because no one cares about him anyway. No offense."

"None taken..." Humphrey said off-screen.

"Anyway, we were supposed to have muse-ical guests, but who needs those f**ktard ass-clowns like OneReflection and Nicki Mirage?" Sparrow smirked. "Only I bring muse-ical flavor to my show."

However, Sparrow was cut off by an 'ahem' off-screen. Sparrow looked to the right and saw that Melody Piper was standing in the stage with her turntables in hand.

"You forgot about me, Sparrow." Melody reminded him. "I get paid for this too, you know."

"Right, I also forgot about Melody Piper." Sparrow sighed. "Of course, who would rather listen to her muse-ic? It sounds like a donkey having sex with a choir girl."

"I heard that!" Melody exclaimed. "And you better pay me in real money after this show, not in f**king Monopoly play money!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Sparrow sneered back. "Anyway, what better way to start off the show than a live sex celebration between me, Duchess, Poppy and Blondie?"

The crowd all got up to their feet with cat-calls and hollers hearing this. But before they could actually see it though, one of the backstage workers came up to Sparrow and started whispering in the host's ear. As Sparrow nodded, he decided to make a last-second announcement.

Unfortunately, it happened to be bad news.

"Bad news, fans." Sparrow groaned. "It seems that the live sex celebration is canceled because we didn't have enough money to afford the mattresses. It seems like the mattress money was all used up from the crack that Cedar Wood bought for herself. But never to worry, my awesome Sparrow fans, because we still got an awesome show lined up for you! So stay tuned, because we'll be right back to The Sparrow Hood Show right after these piece-of-crap messages! Melody, play us out!"

"You got it!" Melody winked as she blasted the music way up to 11.

Suddenly, all of the people in the Spellatorium were all dancing around to the song "Turn Down For What" by Lil' Jon as the show went to commercial.

Well, I can definitely tell that this is gonna be fun! What kind of stuff will I have for Sparrow Hood and friends?

Either way, you don't want to miss the next chapter. Feedbacks are appreciated! Until next time, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever signing off!