His funeral is this Friday; it's bright and sunny that day and I can't help but find my mouth twisting at how it seems like the gods are celebrating his burial. Maybe this is a good thing; meant to happen. Maybe he really was a pest and some deity above is congratulating me for bringing this upon that maggot. Maybe Karma is laughing his ass off, right now, because all the shit Izaya had caused finally came back around.

But it doesn't stop me feeling sick with this heavy guilt. I really do feel like I might throw up.

I don't go to the funeral. I bet Shinra won't be surprised. If he goes, anyway.

It's cooler out when I next visit him. The skies are cloudy today; it's dark even though I know somewhere behind those clouds the sun is shining. Somewhere up there.

I stand in front of his grave with my hands in my pockets, a lit cigarette between my lips giving off a gentle cloud of smoke. His stone is so plain…so solid…so…real. I press the tip of my shoe to it, feel its existence there. I plant my foot on the ground again, then shift. He's really dead, isn't he? Somehow I still can't believe it… It's weird. I imagined his death again and again in my head, and always it felt much better than right now felt. It wasn't standing in front of a grave filled with guilt, it was finally catching him and winning.

Maybe I never actually wanted him dead.

His grave has no encryption other than his name, birth, and death. Died at age twenty-three; what a short life to live. I vaguely wonder who he was when he died. Somehow, I know he must have been himself… It might be weird, but standing here right now knowing he's six feet under with nothing to say anymore because he can't leaves me without all the hatred and annoyance. There's nothing to be annoyed with, not anymore. And as much as I want to feel that familiar fury, all I feel is guilt and a twinge of something I-don't-know-what. I want to say sadness, but not even now will I let myself feel sad for that goddamned flea… Even now he's making my life worse. Figures; little shit…

I feel a raindrop hit the back of my neck; I look up to the sky. A water droplet lands on one of the blue-tinted lenses of my glasses, and it begins to sprinkle. I think to myself that maybe the heavens were waiting, and only now do they start crying. Maybe to make me feel bad. It's my turn for Karma, I guess. The rain comes down faster. I take my now-useless cigarette from my mouth, making sure the ashes are gone before I stick it in my pocket to throw it away later… I'm not leaving cigarettes at a burial ground.

It's not long before I'm soaked; it's actually coming down really hard. I don't really see anyone coming; I'm just gazing at the gravestone marked Orihara Izaya and thinking. It's more of feeling a presence that makes me look up, and through the haze of rain I see Shinra approaching under a black umbrella. Oh, yeah. Perfect timing.

"So you came, huh…" It was more a statement from him than a question. I don't answer, and for once he accepts that and we just stand here in silence, staring at a grave. Shinra holds some kind of flower close. "I was going to leave this, but then it started to rain…," he explains, as if he knew I'd just glanced at the flower. To be honest, I don't really care about that either, and he doesn't say another word after that. All there is is silence and the hiss of the downpour. I still can't believe he's dead… It just doesn't make sense.

I'm the one who breaks the silence; I feel like my low, rough voice is disruptive to the rain. I'm actually kind of liking the sound of the rain, too. "Shinra…"

He blinks, surprised I'd spoken, I guess. "Hm? What is it, Shizuo?"

I'm silent for another few seconds. Then, "How many people visited him while he was in the hospital?"

Shinra's quiet. "Really…" he answers, "…it was just you, me, and Celty. Namie Yagiri, a woman who works for him, visited once, but that was all. I don't know about anyone else. I kinda wonder if he was ever lonely."

Only us, huh?… It makes sense. He really was an asshole, so I'm not surprised. "Lonely, in the hospital?" I ask him, and he shrugs.

"In the hospital, or just…at any time. I mean, I was curious about Izaya from the start; he really is an interesting character, don't you think? Well…to you he's just annoying."

Worse than that. Just continue.

"It's just that I'm only really questioning things now, when it's too late and I can't do anything to figure it out or try and help him as a friend if anything really was wrong." He sighs. "I guess it'll have to remain a mystery."

Yeah, well, I don't like this kind of mystery. It's like…a cliffhanger. And cliffhangers have always pissed me off.

"How many came to his funeral?" I ask him, then.

"Well, Celty and I went," Shinra began, eyes looking upwards. "Then his two sisters; twins. They were there… A couple that I think were his parents… Ah, and Namie Yagiri, even though she didn't seem like the type to come." Shinra looks down, smiling a little. "That's seven… You know, it's nice seeing people at funerals… Not because the person is dead, I mean; that's terrible. But oftentimes it means they care. That's what I think is nice."

Well, I guess a lot of people who come to funerals come because they care, but others just go because they feel the need to, right? That's just people for you. I almost wonder how many actually cared for the flea. Probably not many. Fleas aren't exactly worth caring about. They're fleas. But…

"I can't help but keep thinking about those other personalities of his, though," Shinra continues. I'm half-listening while I gaze at this gravestone that shows me here and now what I once thought was impossible, or at least a long way off. "I wonder what they mean, and whether they really were pieces of him. Izaya was a terrible person with a disgusting personality, and I mean that in the best way possible, but maybe, just maybe, there was something beneath that, however minuscule or hard to find. Or, yes, maybe he was just naturally the way he was, but what if there was a reason behind it? We'll never know. And even if those personalities were pieces of him, which pieces were they? Maybe there, we saw parts of Izaya we didn't know about. Maybe we really didn't know him. It's all so interesting…" He pauses. "It's also so sad, don't you think? Because…"

"Because he's not alive anymore," I say flatly, and he nods.

"Yeah, that."

It's quiet between us again. The rain starts to slow until the sky is only dripping like some towel wrung out not quite well enough. God damn it, why do I keep making comparisons that irritate me?

I hang my head, eventually deciding to leave, and I do just that. Shinra turns and looks at me, but he doesn't stop me. Just lets me go.

When I get home, the first thing I'll do is lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if I'll be able to sleep tonight, tired but restless and filled with that stupid guilt. I really do feel like it's my fault. It's not like I can take it back. It's over.

Izaya's dead.

That's it.

The end.

The guilt gets better as time goes on, and the world seems to shift back into place; back to normal but with one missing flea. I want to say my life's much better without Izaya, but even though I hated him; still hate him…there's still a part of me that feels bad, like I should have tried to help him get better a little more considering I was the one who got him in the hospital in the first place. But…time passes.

Sometimes, I think that it's almost like he was never here, but…he was. And he still irritates me. I'm surprised the maggot hasn't decided to haunt me to my grave. Shinra mentions that two of the five of his personalities were afraid of death. One of the remaining three didn't even understand death. Shinra wonders if Izaya himself was afraid. At first I scoff at the idea because Izaya afraid of anything doesn't seem quite right, but he was human, so I guess he had to have something. But if he was afraid of death…well, more guilt comes around at the idea.

Eventually I don't even feel as guilty anymore, though. It's just something that was bound to happen eventually… I will always feel responsible for the whole incident, so I guess the blame will never completely leave my head, but, well… We move on. It's as simple as that. I guess.

It's a year now since he died; I'm visiting him again since it's the day he died and all. I visit with a lopsided smile. "I hope you don't mind your greatest rival is moving on without you, Flea," I say; it's almost good-natured and a part of me wonders why it wasn't like this while he was alive. "You know, wherever you are…I actually kind of hope you're doing alright." I run my hand through my hair. "And…I meant to say this sooner, Flea, but I guess time doesn't matter to you so much right now, huh? Well…I wanted to say I'm sorry." I'm rubbing the back of my head. "I don't know whether it's really my fault or not, but I feel like I've gotta apologize. And I know I'm just talking to a lifeless stone here, but it's all I've got to represent you, so…" I laugh a breathed kind of heh, shaking my head just a little. "Weird that you're getting an apology from me, huh?" I stop there like I'm waiting for some kind of response. As if I'd get one. It's silent save for some birds chirping in a tree nearby. I stay for awhile, just standing and thinking for a long time. Eventually I smile lopsidedly and stick my hands in my pockets. "Well…see ya, Flea… I'll come and visit every once in awhile. I promise." No answer, as expected, and I turn to walk down the path back to the sidewalk.

I think sometimes about what Shinra and I might have missed, in my quieter, calmer moments where things actually seem peaceful. We always could see the way he looked down on humanity like Hibiya did, or the bitterness he had as in Roppi. Annoying childishness as in Psyche.

But maybe sometimes we couldn't see how deep the bitterness ran, maybe to the point he looked down on himself, too, like Roppi did. Maybe there was a part of him that really was just a child like Psyche with a fear of death. Maybe if he were here we could catch him having a gentle moment with whatever he might have had a soft spot for, whether it be kids or kittens or whatever, his face for that small moment as kind as Sakuraya's. Maybe if he'd lived we'd learn exactly what Virus meant by 'incomplete,' because maybe Izaya himself had some missing pieces.

Maybe the disorder was created as a subconscious cry to try and find the real him, because maybe sometimes he didn't know himself.

It will always be maybes, and we never will find out whether we truly knew Izaya or not, but I guess I should be okay with that. I mean, after all, it's not like we can do anything about it.

I'm at ease as I exit the cemetery and close the gate back up behind me. It's time to go home and relax.

Thus ends Disorder. u.u

Guest 1:Aw, you even numbered yourself ;v; Hi again~
Golly gee, you sure do speak my language. Ahh, what a perfect way to put it! It really does all just culminate into more doubts, huh? Always a mystery... I hope you're satisfied with the result!

Thank you for reading! Reviews would be fabulous~

I'll be putting out my next short story today as well, so there's that. I hope everyone has a lovely day!