"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

Elizabeth Gilbert

The first thing she felt was a drop of water on her cheek.

Still half-asleep and starting to come to, she opened her eyes. It took her a moment to even be able to process her surroundings. Once she really looked around, she realized that she had no idea where she was.

It looked like someone's backyard. She could see that it was fenced in and there were a few beer bottles scattered around the yard. A pit with scorched wood was abandoned just in front of her. It looked like there'd been a fire. She was lying back in a cheap, half-broken lawn chair with her feet extended onto the ground.

There was no one around her.

So there she was, sitting in someone's backyard, alone, confused and completely oblivious to whatever had happened the night before. But the sad part was that this wasn't the first time this had happened to her.

When she was younger, this used to happen a lot. She would wake up in peculiar places…bedrooms, basements, alleyways, once she woke up underneath someone's bed only to be told later that she'd passed out there after she'd hid when the cops came by.

She gulped.

Her throat was sore, but she wasn't sure why.

Slowly, she moved and started to get up, but it wasn't as easy as she'd hoped. Her head was pounding and her legs felt stiff. Sleeping in a lawn chair wasn't exactly ideal. Once on her feet, she stepped forward only to trip over a discarded beer bottle. She caught herself on a nearby tree before she fell.

Clutching it's trunk to keep herself standing, she took in a deep breath. It took everything she had to keep from throwing up right there in that backyard, but with hands shaking, she managed to choke it back.

Leaning against the tree for a moment, she pulled out her phone. The screen was blurry and she had to squint to see it, but she could see plenty of missed calls and texts. A couple from her mom, three or four from Landon and one from Voight, one from Jay.

She checked the ones from Landon.

Hey babe, up for round two yet? This time I'll bring the shots. Had fun the other night. Let's meet up. Text me.

She didn't wait to respond.

Just woke up. What are you doing?

She checked the ones from her mom.

4 hours earlier: Saw you leave with some people last night. Where'd you end up?

30 minutes earlier: Hey I have some food at the bar, come by if you're hungry.

She replied:

Don't know where I am. May be by later.

She didn't check the others.

Slipping her phone back into her pocket, she started walking again. That was when she realized she was missing a shoe. On one foot, she had a heel and was barefoot on the other. She let out a sigh and limped across the yard carefully, looking for glass.

She saw her other shoe at the back door of the house. Reaching down, she slipped it on and entered the house. "Hello?"

"Well, look who decided to get up!" A man came around the corner. He was tall, muscular and wore jeans and a Chicago Bulls t-shirt. He walked up and gave her a hug, "Girl, you were the life of the party last night."

Erin nodded slowly, rubbing her eyes. "Uh, yea…" She said quietly, "Not trying to be rude, but what's your name again?"

She heard loud laughing come from the next room.

She peered around the corner and saw two other guys and two other girls sitting at a table, "She doesn't remember you." One of them said, mockingly, "Not surprising."

The first guy looked down at her, "Do you really not remember?"

"I'm…blanking." Erin said groggily.

He nodded slowly, "It's Luke, remember? We took shots last night at the bar and then we came back here and went skinny dipping in the pool…?"

A couple of the others snickered.

Erin looked down again just to check and make sure she still had all her clothes on. When she saw that she did, she nodded slowly and pretended like it was all coming back to her even though it wasn't. She smiled a little bit, "Yea…yea, I think it's coming back." She shook her head, "I'm really sorry I guess I blacked out back there. Not sure if I broke your lawn chair…"

Luke shook his head, "No, it was already like that."

Erin nodded and smiled, "Okay, well, I better get going." She looked up at him, "But last night was fun. We should get together again sometime." She said, touching his arm.

He nodded, "I have your number so I guess I'll call you."

"Sure." She looked at the rest of them, "I'll see you guys around." She said and then she made her way towards the door. Once she was outside, she let out a sigh of relief, just thankful she hadn't woken up in some kind of crack house.

Running her fingers through her hair, she started to walk down the street. She had no idea where she was. It looked like she was still in the city, but she wasn't downtown and she wasn't in the hood either. The houses looked relatively upscale. She walked through, feeling extremely out of place.

She walked a few blocks towards the sky scrapers she could see in the distance because she knew that would lead her downtown. Once she got to the entrance of whatever neighborhood she was in, she saw the CTA and walked up to it. She boarded one of the cars and sat down, headed for her apartment.

She got off a few blocks from her building and continued walking. It was around 3 in the afternoon once she got back to her apartment, but she had no idea what time it had been when she actually woke up. Her apartment was unlocked and when she walked in, it was trashed. It looked like she'd been robbed, but Erin actually remembered what had happened here.

She and Landon had gotten together for the third time. And that time, all she'd wanted to do was dance. She vaguely remembered she and him dancing to some of her old CD's, both drunk, neither of them caring.

She didn't bother to clean it up.

With sore feet, she collapsed onto her couch and slipped them off. Letting out a long sigh, she looked down.

How did she get here?

Just a month earlier, her life had been going so well. She had a steady job, she was sober, she had a maybe-boyfriend-kind-of-thing (AKA Jay), she was successful in her work, Nadia was still alive.

That was the biggest change.

Nadia.

The apartment was so quiet without her.

Before, she'd hear footsteps every now and then, maybe even hear Nadia watching some police-instructional videos or listening to some of her music. She could hear her talking on the phone, or sometimes talking to a friend she had over, she could hear her typing or watching TV or snoring when she was sleeping really well.

But now, it was silent.

Erin leaned down against her knees, putting her head in her hands. The silence was killing her. The place void of the small noises that used to keep her sane. She could feel how empty it was. And she couldn't stand it.

Like her apartment, she felt empty and trashed and cold.

But most of all, she felt angry.

Maybe at Yates, maybe at the world, maybe at God, maybe at Voight or her team, but mostly…she was angry at herself. She was the one who "saved" Nadia, she was the one who put her into the dangerous situation that would eventually get her killed.

Someone had to pay.

That was why she quit, that was why she was hanging out with her mother, that was why she stopped caring, that was why she allowed herself to fall back into the same deep pit of poverty and drugs and depression that she used to call home.

It was her punishment.

She wanted to feel the pain like Nadia had. She wanted to be held responsible for what had happened. She wanted someone to pay for Nadia's death. She had to pay.

How could she live with herself?

Knowing that she had been at fault, even just partly, for Nadia's death, it killed her. She wasn't Yates, but she may as well have had blood on her hands. She played a part in Nadia's death.

She looked down and saw pills on her table.

There was a whole bottle left.

She picked it up and shook it, wondering how many it would take to kill her. 6…8, maybe? She wasn't sure. The prescription said to take 2. But she poured 6 into her hand. That had to be enough, right? She didn't want to survive.

She was worthless.

She thought she could help people, "save" them, just like Hank had done for her, but it turns out that everyone she'd tried to help had ended up getting hurt. So what was the point? She didn't have a purpose. Why couldn't it have been her and not Nadia?

She couldn't live with herself.

Someone had to pay for this, even if it was her.

Slowly, she reached over and grabbed a utility bill. On the back of it in marker, she wrote:

I woke up today, for the first time in a long time feeling like my life was worthless. Maybe it always has been. There are over 6 billion people on this planet and one more or one less won't change anything. And maybe I thought it mattered. Nadia made me think it mattered…I thought I saved her, but we see how that turned out. It doesn't matter. Maybe nothing does.

I'm sorry.

Erin set it down and reached for the pills, holding them hesitantly in her hand. She gulped and blinked a few tears out of her eyes, wondering if this was the right decision or not. Was there a reason she was hesitating?

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Erin ignored it.

She looked back down at the pills.

But her phone buzzed again.

This time, irritated, she checked it.

Landon had texted her twice.

Just saw your mom, heard you were partying pretty hard last night. Hope you saved some energy for me ;)

I'm at the liquor store, want me to pick something up?

Erin sighed and ignored those messages and scrolled down to the message Voight had sent her two days ago.

Hey, kid. I still care about you. You always have a home here if you want it…no questions asked. Just be careful. And think for yourself…you aren't Bunny.

She sighed and closed her eyes.

Was that even true?

She felt like Bunny right about now. Sore, hungover and holding pills in her hands, crying. She looked a lot like her mother.

She scrolled down, hesitating before opening the message from Jay. It was a week old.

Hey, I know I haven't texted or called in a while. I was trying to give you some space. I thought maybe you wanted to handle it yourself…but I just want you to know that I'm here and I'll always have your back, that's what we agreed on. It sucks around here without you. And I just hope you know that no matter what kind of hole you dig for yourself, I'll always be ready to help pull you out, okay? We lost Nadia and we can't change that, but I don't want to lose you too. Take care of yourself.

Erin paused.

She couldn't do this.

She set the pills down.

Doing this to Jay and Voight would essentially cause them to feel exactly what she was feeling. She couldn't do that to them. She wasn't going to kill herself, but she couldn't go back either. Maybe this was her life now.

Or at least, it was for now.

She just wanted to lose herself.

She wanted to forget for just a second, she didn't want to feel anymore, for just a moment, she wanted to stop the pain and the punishment and the blame she'd put onto herself…if that was even possible anymore.

Slowly, she reached down and grabbed three of the pills and popped them carelessly into her mouth, chasing them down with a large gulp of the whiskey she had sitting on her coffee table. Closing her eyes, she leaned back and within that hour, she faded out of reality.

She lost herself.

For a moment, she felt nothing. Blank, void, numb. The emptiness and the coldness were still there, but she just hardened and let herself slip away into a blank state. She closed her eyes and listened to the deafening silence of her apartment and felt nothing.

And all she could think was:

Finally.

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A/N: I'm really excited about this story. I have the whole thing finished already so I'll update whenever I can, but reviews would probably motivate me the most. I really like this "Lindsay's Dark Days" character arc thing they're doing so I thought I would explore some things that could happen. I hope you like it. Please review and let me know what you think! Thanks.