Peter Kirkland: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own PETER KIRKLAND unit. This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potential, and it is advised that you read this before trying anything. Mistreatment of the PETER KIRKLAND unit can result in massive headaches and cruelly destroyed articles of clothing.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Peter Kirkland. Will respond to "Sealand", "Principality of Sealand", "Sea", "Sea-kun", "England's Little Brother", "Finland's Kid", and "Santa's Little Helper" (albeit angrily to anything referencing Great Britain)
Age: 12
Place of Manufacture: Roughs Tower, Sealand
Height: 4'3"
Weight: 85 lbs
Kawaii Levels: 83%
Your PETER KIRKLAND unit comes with the following:
One (1) white sailor's outfit with blue accents
One (1) blue sailor's hat with white accents
One (1) SpongeBob SquarePants Season One DVD (copyright Nickelodeon 1999)
One (1) blue fleece winter jacket
Six (6) chocolate bars
Programming
Animal Caretaker: The PETER KIRKLAND unit absolutely loves dogs, birds, and even "hamsters". He will happily take care of them for anyone away from home!
Actor: All PETER KIRKLAND units adore attention, and television! Why not combine the two? With his surprisingly excellent memory, little-boy charms, and knack for the dramatic, he's sure to be a star!
Child Model: This unit is insanely cute, with the sweetness of a British gentleman combined with childhood innocence. He will glow with attention, and you'll rake in the green stuff! It's a win-win!
Removal of your PETER KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging
This is unit is that of a child. It is to be expected that, if woken incorrectly, it may just throw a temper-tantrum, which may result in objects being thrown across the room and broken. Therefore, we have provided a list of easy ways to activate your PETER KIRKLAND unit.
1. Declare- loudly- that you recognize the Principality of Sealand as an official nation. Excited, happy yelps will emanate from the box, and you will be able to open it without any issues.
2. Take the DVD provided to you, and play it within hearing distance of the box. Your unit will begin to sing along to the theme song, and you are welcome to sing as well. (We know you want to, don't lie to us) Once it has ended, your PETER KIRKLAND unit will demand to be let out in order to watch the show.
3. Place your ROMEO VARGAS unit and/or your PAULETTE BROWN unit in the same room as your PETER KIRKLAND unit. Once he hears their voice(s), he will begin attempting to get out of the box (and failing, so go help the poor kid!).
Reprogramming
After you have successfully awoken your PETER KIRKLAND, you have the option to reprogram him. His modes are as follows:
Cute (default)
Demanding (default)
Crushing
Troll
Lonely
Depressed (locked)
The PETER KIRKLAND unit will arrive in his Cute and Demanding modes. In Cute, he is childishly sweet, innocent, and blissfully ignorant. He will not understand the concept of 'work' or 'responsibility', but quite bluntly understands what's 'fair' and what's not. He is also in Demanding, which means he will often forget his manners when asking for something he wants. If he's hungry, you'll know. If he's cold or hot, you'll know. Unfortunately forhim, he is in Cute, which means he is absolutely adorable when angry!
His Crushing mode, however, is the mode in which his sweetness will give a person type 2 diabetes. It can be achieved by having a pretty girl around his age, most likely a LILLI ZWINGLI or PAULETTE BROWN, say that he is cute, either directly or indirectly. In this mode, he will blush profusely at the mere mention of said girl. Whenever she is in the general vicinity, PETER KIRKLAND will be on his absolutely best behavior. He will make several heart-shaped confession cards, each of which he will eventually dismiss as not good enough. Possibly the best part of it, though, is that if you're very lucky, he'll come to you for advice!
In Troll, he will constantly play pranks on you. Milk balloons, Lego traps, whoopee cushions, you name it, he'll have already set it up, just ready for someone (you; or other units) to trigger! This can be activated by either being trolled himself, or spending too much time with a MATTHIAS KHOLER unit.
Lonely is triggered by spending too much time away from a LILLI ZWINGLI, PAULETTE BROWN, ROMEO VARGAS, or RAIVIS GALANTE unit. In this mode, PETER KIRKLAND will not talk much with you, but if you have guests, he will try desperately to get their attention and friendship. Otherwise, he will simply lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. If you try to talk to him, he will simply stare expressionlessly and sigh sadly.
Depressed is a more violent version of Lonely. It's triggered by being in Lonely, then have someone get upset at him. He will become even more of a recluse. The few times that you do see him, he will most likely just glare at you. If you try to talk to him, one of three things could happen: PETER KIRKLAND will stomp away, punch you, or begin screaming at you angrily. If other units try to interact with him, he will respond by either fighting them, or storming away- most likely to do something to said unit's possessions. The only way to get him out is to force him to watch SpongeBob SquarePants with you.
Relationships with Other Units:
ARTHUR KIRKLAND: This unit is PETER KIRKLAND's big brother. Their relationship is complicated to say the least. ARTHUR KIRKLAND has yet to recognize Sealand as a nation, and as a result, PETER KIRKLAND will repetitively call him a 'jerk'. Deep down, though, they're both still brothers and both care for each other.
RAIVIS GALANTE: PETER KIRKLAND is friends with RAIVIS GALANTE, due to neither being treated the way they wish. RAIVIS GALANTE will try to be a big brother for him, but his own insecurities will get in the way. There is possible shipping here, if given a big push in the right direction.
ROMEO VARGAS: PETER KIRKLAND is good friends with this unit, and despite their age difference, are often found together, playing some sort of game. Shipping is achievable, but the end result will be more like brothers than lovers- they're kids, after all!
BERWALD OXENSTIERNA: PETER KIRKLAND's adoptive dad, who bought him on eBay. BERWALD OXENSTIERNA will, if feeling ignored by this unit, create a "Dambolis". Otherwise, they have a fairly typical father-son relationship.
TINO VAINAMOINEN: PETER KIRKLAND's default adoptive mom, who is actually Santa Claus. This unit will spoil your unit, but isn't afraid to put the foot down when necessary. PETER KIRKLAND is quite fond of this unit, and will spend hours on end with them.
PAULETTE BROWN: This unit is a bit snobby, but when it comes down to it, is one of your unit's best friends. Due to sharing British ancestry, they both sport hilariously large eyebrows. It is possible to ship them, and it is guaranteed to be a dynamic relationship!
LILLI ZWINGLI: PETER KIRKLAND rarely gets to speak with this unit, but when he does, he enjoys it immensely. Both find each other to be great companions, and it is easy to get them in a relationship, provided no one in the neighborhood is in possession of a VASH ZWINGLI unit.
ERLAND OXENSTIERNA: PETER KIRKLAND's default brother, their relationship is that of a fan and his idol. ERLAND OXENSTIERNA looks down on PETER KIRKLAND, while in contrast, your unit looks up to this one, thinking he is "interesting" and "cool".
Cleaning
Your PETER KIRKLAND unit can usually clean himself, but accidents can happen, so be nearby in case he calls out for help! If you're a guy, he won't mind bathing with you, although he does prefer bathing alone. If you're a girl, he will absolutely refuse to bathe with you, as he considers it indecent for him to see you naked. However, he doesn't really mind if you see him naked.
Feeding
Your unit can eat practically anything, considered he's related to ARTHUR KIRKLAND! However, he often prefers fast food or any traditional Finnish foods. He cannot cook, and if he tries, will burn himself and whatever he's trying to make.
Rest
This unit has a tightly regulated sleep schedule. He wakes up exactly when the sun does, and goes to bed at 7:45 pm. If he is forced to deviate from this schedule, it may result in him switching to Troll mode. If necessary, he occasionally takes naps from 1 pm to 3 pm.
FAQ
Q: Instead of a little boy, I got a man that strangely resembles both ALFRED F. JONES and ARTHUR KIRKLAND! What's going on?!
A: Oops! We must have accidentally sent you an Adult!PETER KIRKLAND! If you want to trade him in for the correct unit, simply call or email Customer Services (If you call, you'll need to follow the necessary prompts), and give the eight-digit shipment code you got in your order confirmation email.
Q: My unit barely talks to me, and blushes whenever I touch him, even briefly! Is he sick?
A: Aw, it appears that your unit is in Crushing! The target crush in this situation, however, is you, owner! There is absolutely nothing wrong with him at all. However, be gentle with him, he's got a fragile heart!
Q: I GOT A *^&(ING HEART ATTACK BECAUSE HE'S SO CUTE ASDFGHJKL I CANN"T BREETHA
A: ...That is not a question, though we recommend you seek some medical attention for your heart as soon as possible.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your PETER KIRKLAND unit is dressing, behaving, and talking like a MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit, even going so far as to curl his hair!
Solution: Congratulations! You have unlocked your unit's Copycat mode! In this mode, he will, in a desperate attempt to get other units to recognize him, pretend to be an already existing unit. You can pull him out of this by pulling out his curl, but he will automatically revert to Troll. You can reprogram him accordingly then.
Problem: Your unit is practically glued to the television, and refuses to come play with you!
Solution: Have a BERWALD OXENSTIERNA create a Dambolis. If this doesn't work, create one yourself. Instructions on how to do so can be easily found with a quick internet search.
End Notes
With patience, time, and a resistance against cuteness, PETER KIRKLAND will be an excellent companion. We wish you good luck, and hope that you enjoy your unit!