HELLO, MY LOVELY SKERS! Funny story behind this one; my weekend has been filled with kids (which are very exhausting ohmygosh I'm still recovering) and then this came out of nowhere.

For all my ultraviolence lovelies, new chapter will be up either on the 23rd or 24th. If you're having withdrawals (ha ha), go ahead and read darling, the stars don't fall for you. It is written in the same style as ultraviolence and deals with all that is bachana (Cana-centric because ohmygod, if I was a FT character, I would be her and she is bae).

Same goes for the Two Pieces gang! I'll update before the end of the month, I promise! So feel free to read ultraviolence and darling, the stars don't fall for you. They are both VERY different to my usual style (and I actually quite enjoy writing in prose-poeticish form more than my regular).

Without further ado, I bring you baby, you're in for a shock!

{pregnancy is the happiest excuse for feeling like crap}

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baby, you're in for a shock

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The guild doors slamming open is not a sight uncommon to Fairy Tail. A hysterical and heavily pregnant blonde standing in the doorway, however, is.

"OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG!"

Mira is already by the blonde's side and coaxing her to sit down—"Lucy, you're in your third trimester. You shouldn't be walking around in the heat like that! Come, sit down."

"Mira!" the blonde wails, and all guild members in her near vicinity give her a wide berth, "This isn't normal!"

"What's not normal, Lu-chan?"

Lucy's eyes brighten and she throws herself at the unsuspecting bluenette, wailing all the more. "Levy! I need your help urgently!"

Levy, used to the pregnancy hormones, chuckles and forces a glass of water down the pregnant woman's throat. "Calm down first, and then tell me what's wrong."

"It's awful! Absolutely dreadful! I can't believe this is happening! Why me?!" Lucy repeats over and over, big brown eyes beginning to water.

Mira, who had been frowning and tutting over the blonde, asks the one question everyone had been thinking: "Lucy, where's Natsu? Surely he wouldn't let you walk around town in your condition?"

The blonde's eyes widen momentarily before darkening. The glass clenched in her hand begins to shake behind the force she uses to hold it. "Do not speak that name," she hisses through gritted teeth, shoulders shaking from the ferocity of her unbridled rage.

The entire guild is quiet, each and every mage sending silent apologies to the man surely on his way to the guild. Gray, ever the optimist, decides to break the ice first; "What did ass flame do now?"

A shriek leaves Lucy's throat and she is suddenly punching the air, upper-cutting an unseen foe. "That absolute bastard! This is all his damn fault! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS! ALL I WANTED WAS A BACKRUB, ONE ITTY-BITTY BACKRUB! NOT THIS!"

"Calm down, Lucy—"

"JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, NATSU DRAGNEEL! JUST YOU WAIT!"

"Lu-chan, stop that! You're going to hurt yourself!"

"I WILL CUT HIM UP AND FEED HIM TO THE FISH!"

The guild doors slam open once again, and a familiar voice calls out, "Yo, everyone! Has Luce been around here yet?"

Silence ensues upon the guild once again, and several of the mages shoot Natsu panicked looks.

"Woah, why does it feel so damn gloomy? Who died?" he jokes, taking that one step inside the guild.

Lucy is all but a blonde and white blur. "NATSU DRAGNEEL! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!"

Natsu's jaw drops only slightly, but he somehow manages to catch the blonde and hold her seething form away from him. "You're still mad about that, Luce?" he asks hesitantly.

She levels an almighty glare on him, swinging fists only barely missing his nose. "Still mad? STILL MAD?! I NEVER STOPPED BEING MAD, DRAGNEEL! NOW, STOP SHYING AWAY AND ACCEPT YOUR IMPENDING DEATH LIKE A MAN!"

The Dragon Slayer whistles through his teeth, regarding his pregnant girlfriend with a careful gaze. "I don't know what you want me to say, Luce. I mean, I've apologised a gazillion times already. It's not even that big of a deal, you know? I don't get why you're so pissy over it."

Alzack, the man who'd been there and done that, takes his wife's hand and shakily begins to whisper Natsu's eulogy—"Natsu, you truly were an inspiration and we at Fairy Tail are going to miss you like hell. I'm sorry things had to end this way, but you had it coming. Sorry, man."

Lucy's trembling stops, and a big grin takes over Natsu's face. He is halfway through wrapping his arms around her when his head snaps back, eyes rolling into his skull. His pregnant girlfriend stands with her hand raised, stinging palm facing the floor.

"'It's not that big of a deal'?" she quotes in a whisper, face turning red. The guild only barely has enough time to duck when she explodes.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, NATSU? I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR SELFISHNESS! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO CAN'T SLEEP, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WITH GINORMOUS ANKLES AND CALVES! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEE EVERY TWO MINUTES! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WITH AN ALIEN GROWING INSIDE OF YOU!"

The entire guild hall erupts with panicked whispers, but it's Levy who seems the most aghast. "Did she just call her unborn child an alien?"

Lucy rounds on the bluenette, face red and eyes glassy. "It's true, Levy-chan!"

"But, Lu-chan, isn't that a bit too… harsh?"

Tears start to leak from Lucy's twinkling brown eyes in torrents. "You have no idea what it's like! This isn't a baby, it's an alien! The things it does aren't normal!"

Natsu, having recovered from being back-handed, begins to chuckle. "Go on, Luce! Tell them why you think our kid is an alien!"

Lucy's tears turn into a glare, and she hisses at the man. "Shut your face, Dragneel. I didn't ask you for your opinion, did I?"

"I can't help it, Luce! Do you even realise how stupid you sound?!" great peals of laughter leave Natsu until he is rolling on the guild hall floor, fist slamming down on the stone repeatedly.

The guild regards the scene in varying degrees of confusion and panic. Had the stress of being pregnant finally caused their sweet little Lucy to snap? Had Natsu finally received one too many hits to the head?

Levy—to the guild's utter shock—merely smiles amongst the madness. "Okay, Lu-chan, enlighten me; what makes your baby an alien?"

"Put your hand on my stomach! Just do it!"

The bluenette places her palm over Lucy's rounded baby bump, a smile dancing across her lips. "The baby is perfectly fine, Lu—what the hell was that?!"

"Do you see now? Do you SEE NOW?!" Lucy screams as Levy stares at her hand and Lucy's stomach in shock.

"You poor thing," she whispers, embracing her friend gently.

"The kid's too strong, Levy-chan! That isn't normal! Imagine what that does to my ribs, to my back!" Lucy cries in to her shoulder.

"Is that all, Lucy?" Mira asks kindly, joining the hug. "Sometimes babies are fairly strong during the third trimester, and that little bundle of joy has half of Natsu in it. Maybe that's why?"

"There's more, Mira!" the pregnant woman looks up briefly to glare at Natsu. "All I've been eating this past week is chilli. The kind that tastes like death and burns like the ninth circle of hell! And I can't stop eating it!"

"I can ice you, if you want…?" Gray asks nervously from the other side of the hall.

Lucy shakes her head with a wail. "I've tried that already, but the kid hates it! Damn thing started squirming around and kicking like hell; I couldn't walk right for hours!"

"Come on, Luce. It's really not as bad as you think it is," Natsu chuckles, pushing himself up on his elbows.

"Ohmygod, shut UP, NATSU! Did I say that you could talk?!"

"But, Lushiiii~," Natsu whines playfully, a small smirk twisting his lips, "this is really funny, and I know for a fact that in ten years' time you'll be laughing about it too!"

"That's not the point! The point is, as far as we know, no Dragon Slayers have been conceived and born yet! That makes our little alien the first! Who's to say it will be a normal pregnancy, a normal labour? Ohgod, what if it has to eat itself out of my stomach…? I think I'm going to faint," Levy and Mira barely manage to safely lower Lucy's sagging body to the floor.

From the corner of the hall, Gajeel chuckles. "Bunny girl has a point. Imagine if the thing has scales? Maybe it will have horns too! Gihi!"

"Gajeel! Don't say stuff like that!" Levy yells over Natsu's roaring laughter.

"Pincushion's right! Lucy, did ya hear that?! How cool would that be!?"

"Only you, squinty eyes, would think the possibility of your kid having scales and horns funny."

"Well, kids! I think we've all learnt a valuable lesson here: never have unprotected sex with dragon boys!" Cana yells from the bar drunkenly, curly brown locks of hair tumbling from her ponytail.

"Luce, let's call our kid Draco! Get it?!"

Lucy is clutching her protruding stomach in both arms, whispering to the child within. "Mama's sorry, Alien-chan. Your daddy is crazy, mummy is a psycho and all your uncles and aunties are nuts. Mama loves you so, so much, even if you're a little alien-dragon."

"It's Draco, Luce! Not 'Alien-chan'!"

"Be quiet, Natsu! This is YOUR fault! What gives YOU the right to name our child?!"

"I have every right! I helped make the kid!"

"And again that brings us back to square one, ALL I WANTED WAS A BACKRUB!"

Amongst the chaos, Levy has managed to sidle up next to Gajeel. He wraps a strong arm around her stomach, pulling her flush against him.

"Should we tell them now or later?" she whispers, big doe-like eyes staring into his.

Gajeel chuckles and runs his hand along the barely noticeable bump of her stomach, fingers drawing patterns over the skin. "Nah, let's keep 'em guessing for a bit longer."

"Sounds good to me. What do you think, bub?" she smiles, draping her hand atop Gajeel's.

And, a tiny flutter of a kick answers against both of their palms.

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***Regarding Levy's little bump and already kicking baby; this is entirely possible! Some women don't show at all, even in the third trimester and I honestly think Levy would be one of those gals. (And she has a mini-Dragon Slayer in there so anything is possible! :p)

Don't forget to review and favourite! If you enjoyed this (shameless self-advertising), you might want to read Bets With Cana. I posted it a while ago and strongly recommend if you have a brotp and love Natsu being thrown into hilarious situations.

Thanks for reading :)