A/N: I am sorry, I am so, so sorry. Maybe I should just cease going on facebook.
It happened again, I created a monstrosity on Facebook. Again. This time in a comments section.
Forewarning: This is absolute trash, I'm absolute trash, Genghis Kanye (who I wrote this with) is absolute trash. Please forgive us for our sins.
From this point on, I take no responsibility, it is your own fault for reading.
Disclaimer: We don't own Shrek, and I am so, so glad that is so.
All hail Lord Shrek.
Blessed be His name
Jesus didn't die for swag, Jesus didn't die for YOLO, he died for YODO: You only die once! But he didn't.
May Shrek save us all from YODO.
One day you will die! But fear not sheeple! Lord Shrek will guide you into the darkness to far, far away!
His magnificence that we mere mortals cannot hope to understand the enormity of will wash away our sins and He will embrace us into his green bosom as we fade into the endless void of death.
Accompanied by His trusty stead He will guide us through death and into our next life. And that is how the creator of Shrek was born to give us unworthy peasants the glorious image of His holiness!
And as we are born again from the bowels of His love we come into life shamefully unaware of His greatness, His unflinching kindness towards all prudes who refuse to surrender their bodies to Shrek love, but we the faithful ones shall continue to praise His beauty and enormity despite the heretical acts of the so called 'pure'.
All of the heathens must surrender their unholy ways and succumb to the greatness of the almighty! The fandom gathers, and now Lord Shrek's new age begins. It shall not end until the end of time. Thou shalt take wife, hold no lands, father no children. Thou shalt wear no crowns and win no glory. Thou shalt live and die at the mighty, green hands. Lord Shrek is the sword in the darkness. Lord Shrek is the watcher on the walls. Lord Shrek is the shield that guards the realms of men. Thou shalt pledge thein life and honour to Lord Shrek, for this night and all the nights to come.
For we are all born from Shrek, and to Shrek we return. We need no house, for Shrek is our shelter, we hunger no more, for Shrek's love nourishes our souls, we fear nothing, because Shrek protects us with his mighty roar. We are whole when Shrek is within us and the ignorant who live life unfulfilled need the sin shed from their eyes with Shrek's mighty love juice so we may live wholesomely in his love.
Lord Shrek put us on this earth to preach to the ignorant of His ways. Lord Shrek's mighty rein is the reason for all that happens in the world. He knows all and sees all with His third eye into the realm of men. He instils terror in the hearts of the wicked and bestows glory onto the righteous!
His love for us flawed creatures is infinite and unworldly, may us loyal vassals who live to serve His mightiness find peace in our purpose and bring justice to the evil and the pagans. Hail lord Shrek.
All hail Lord Shrek.
Blessed be his name
Ah, Men.
May Lord Shrek forgive the sinners for their atrocious acts of treason.
May His etherealness calm the calamity of sin that festers in souls.
In the words of Shrek the almighty, "Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers." In this our Lord almighty is humbling Himself to the greatest degree by comparing His glorious self to hideous onions such as ourselves!
Or is He lifting onions to that of holy status? Giving us some means of feeling His existence in our imbecile need for physical evidence of His presence. But the faithful feel Him without this foolish placebo, in every waking moment, within us. But for His Lordship to even compare Himself likewise to something else is pointless, for no mere material object can ever come close to simulating even His magnificent viridescence.
All hail the mighty green hand of god.
Caressing our sinful flesh in whole. Bless.
And so this shall be the word of our Lord and the truth of our ways may our Lord Shrek continue to love us with His indispensable heart.
Ah, men.
~EXTRA~
(in response to a rather rude comment by an ignorant heretic)
Apostle Genghis Kanye: I fear we have a non-believer among us. May the great hand of the Lord forgive this vile onion for his sins and bestow the light of truth upon him.
Apostle Elevator Cakes: This smart fish did not make a smart decision. May the onion purify his saltiness.
A/N: I might add that Microsoft word recognizes Shrek as a noun and I just needed to share that.
Feel free to flame, this is horrible, we know its horrible, you know its horrible, my ancestors are already brainstorming ways for my bloodline to die if only to keep filth like this from the innocent minds of the world. Anyway, for all you masochist's who enjoyed this, THANKS FOR READING.
Sincerely
- Elevator Cakes
- Genghis Kanye (of the West)
Farewell, peasants.