AN: At exactly 6:57 on a random Wednesday night, I was talking to Dragoon811 and I made an off-hand comment about Severus Snape. "If he doesn't come out and play on some real fics soon, I'm going to write a crack-fic where he's wearing a pink and gold loincloth."

By 7:17 I had agreed to write this (And I blame yoooooou Dragoon.)

PS: If you haven't seen her take on what we are terming The Severus Sex God Challenge, go read it. I had to stop in the middle to catch my breath and wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes.

You will notice some glaring similarities…some of those were in the challenge…some of them are because she is extremely accomplished at Legilimency

As always, everything Harry Potter belongs to JKR.

Chapter 1

Severus Snape was not a charitable man, nor a man who tolerated fools…except of course for the occasional megalomaniac time-wasting fool with homicidal tendencies…which was how he'd gotten on the floor of the shrieking shack in the first place….

So he decided that he'd give Lord Hades, God of the Underworld his full attention. It seemed the politic thing to do.

Hades smirked, as if he could hear Severus' thoughts.

"You quite clearly should be going to Elysium, but my brother has another task in mind for you."

Severus frowned. He'd earned whatever rest he could find in the afterlife.

Hades held out a goblet.

He raised a dark eyebrow. "It's for the best you know. You'd be bored senseless in Elysium within a week. Within a hundred years I'd have to dunk you in the River Lethe to keep you from conspiring to steal my throne. This is a better solution."

Severus found himself lifting the cup of golden liquid to his lips. For some reason he trusted those dark eyes…

He drank.

It burned.

SS

His next impression was of light. He felt…amazing. There was no pain…nothing but a strong sense of limitless possibility.

Deep grey eyes met his as he blinked slowly.

"Awake. Very good. Ambrosia doesn't work on every mortal soul."

Severus cleared his throat. "What does it do, if it doesn't 'work'?

The woman gave him a wry, affectionate smile. "There speaks the potion master." Her slender hand cradled his head as she lifted his upper body effortlessly into a sitting position. "When there is not enough Olympian blood in one's line, ambrosia simply burns the body to ash."

Severus felt as clear of mind as he had ever felt in his life.

"Excuse me?"

The woman smiled again. "Surely you, a half-blood, wondered why 'Wizards' started popping up all over the world after the fall of the Roman empire?"

Of course he had. The debate had gone on for centuries, and was a particularly hot subject in the Slytherin common room after a few rounds of butterbeer.

The grey-eyed beauty nodded.

"You know who we are."

He looked around and groaned. If the stories were true…yes, he knew.

"The Olympians."

A hearty, faux- jovial voice huffed "Well he knows then, let's get on with this. I'm meeting a nymph at two for a…facial."

A stern woman in a gown made of peacock feathers frowned and rolled her eyes.

Severus looked around.

There were there. Zeus, Hera, Hermes, Aphrodite, Hephaestus…and…

"Athena."

The woman with the grey eyes nodded once, regally. "You have ever been one of my mindset, though the blasted sorting hat put you in Hades' house."

Hades smirked. "That's because he WAS one of mine."

Severus shook his head. "No…my mother was a witch, my father a muggle…"

"They both had a few drops of Olympian blood. Which makes you a Wizard…or what we once called a demi-god." Hades looked particularly smug.

"Enough with the History lesson. He can grab whichever Muse it is that keeps up with that nonsense and get caught up later. My…er…facial can't wait." The king of the gods was practically bouncing in his seat.

Every goddess in the room rolled her eyes, with the exception of the blond bombshell reclining on the couch….the mischievous look on her face was unmistakable to a man who had taught Fred and George Weasley.

Aphrodite dimpled when she caught him looking and winked.

Zeus unfurled a scroll with careless haste.

"Blah, blah,blah..Cupid resigning as god of romantic love and sex to become the god of Macramé…Athena ceding the position to Cupid, including all marketing rights…"

Athena muttered "Like anyone markets macramé." Severus almost smiled at her vehement put-down of the 'art'.

Zeus paid absolutely no attention. "Leaving the position of god of sex open. As no Olympian wishes to take on additional duties…" He eyed the others reproachfully. "A new God of proper bloodlines shall be found and tried via ambrosia…test complete….blah, blah blah…all the duties and copy rights of the God of Sex are henceforth and forever passed to Severus Snape, our new Sex God." A lightning bold hit the floor as Zeus jumped from his throne. "Motion passed, business complete, council adjourned."

He was nearly running as he left the council chambers, while the stern-faced woman pulled on a goat-skin (that was still dripping blood) and stalked out after her husband, closely followed by a woman with a choppy, punk rock hairdo who looked positively gleeful at the probability of a scene between the king and queen of the Gods.

Athena and Aphrodite nodded pleasantly to each other.

The blond purred. "That went well."

Athena looked around. "As long as Hera doesn't notice your hand in the matter."

The blond waved a graceful hand. "With our fearless leader's reputation? Why should she look any further? I've seen him in that state hundreds of times without any help from me." She wrinkled her perfect nose. "Eris had better watch herself, she was practically drooling at the prospect of bad blood between Zeus and Hera. Why isn't she in the Middle East with Ares?"

"I heard from Hermes that she stirred up trouble between Ares and his favorite general."

"Well, she is the goddess of discord. It's too bad we can't confine her to the underworld."

Aphrodite laughed. "Hades would toss her in the Styx." She turned to Severus. "So this is our new cohort." She let her eyes roam and Severus found himself wishing for a robe over his frock coat…or two. "Not what I would have chosen exactly, but I see the appeal."

Severus frowned. "Pardon my asking, but what in Merlin's name just happened here?"

The Goddess laughed. "You are closer to Merlin than you think. That was the last time we dabbled in the mortal realm, and nothing proves that we should mind our own business like Camelot."

Athena grimaced and waved her hand. "I know, I know…I knew it was a bad idea even when I started but I was just sick to death of the dark ages. No one was building anything but mud huts."

Aphrodite patted her on the wrist.

"I know dear, but you outdid yourself during the Renaissance. I don't think even the Parthenon rivals Notre Dame."

Severus cleared his throat.

Aphrodite sighed. "My son, Cupid, has been requesting a transfer for two hundred years. Frankly, I can't blame him. He's never been the same since his wife ran off with his brother; I suppose it made being the God of Romantic love a bit of a bother. Of course she wasn't the same after I gave the little hussy a Gorgon makeover." The blond beauty was suddenly fierce, and downright frightening.

Athena nodded. "And since I frankly hate being the Goddess of handcrafts, we came up with a solution. You aren't the first Wizard to take the ambrosia, but you are the first to survive it."

"How comforting. I missed the part where I became entangled in this."

Athena didn't seem to mind the sarcasm. "We've been randomly giving ambrosia to Wizards who are dying anyway. Hades can delay death, so he administered the test. It's been busy with the war on, but eventually we found the right recessive genes in your bloodline…apparently it's Hades on both sides. He's going to be insufferable about that…" She exchanged a mildly amused look with the blond goddess and shrugged. "Anything to avoid thinking about his last 'direct descendant' I suppose. So now you are the God of Sex…instead of being another dead hero in Elysium."

Aphrodite chimed in. "It's fairly straight-forward actually. Your power comes from humans having sex. Not like the old days when we had to bother with rituals, and priests, and chanting."

She frowned prettily. "I had a four-hundred year headache after Troy fell."

Athena scoffed. "You were just a sore loser."

Aphrodite tossed her hair. Her glare promised retribution, but she continued as if nothing had happened. "All you have to do is encourage humans to do what humans do…you'll work closely with me of course, since I'm the goddess of love…and there are one or two of the muses that you'll want to be on good terms with, Erotic Poetry will not hurt your cause… but you won't have much to do with Aries or Hephaestus, or even Zeus unless he demands that you put a lust spell on some human girl."

All three of them shuddered. Severus was forcibly reminded of being one of Voldemort's Death Eaters. He was not looking forward to that.

Aphrodite beamed. "Oh and you'll need a change of clothes…can't be wandering around Olympus looking like that." She waved her hand and he was suddenly wearing a loincloth. A pink and gold loincloth.

She grinned. "That's better. Well, I'm sure Athena can show you the ropes…and chains" her smile was wicked. "I'm off to Paris for the weekend. I'm heavily invested in the Euro at the moment and one way to ensure that it stays strong is to make sure the City of Love has plenty of l'amore."

Severus held himself perfectly still.

Athena smirked at his long bare leg. "You do know that one of the perks of being a God instead of a wizard is that you can change your clothing just by snapping your fingers?"

Thank Merlin for small favors.

AN: So that's chapter one. I'll try to post every other day. I'm just cleaning up the story at this point. It's running about 10,000 words at the moment, so at roughly 2,000 words a piece we'd have five updates. That's the current plan at any rate. We'll see if it works!