A/N: FLAG BLASTED SITE AND ITS ERRORS! NOBODY WAS ABLE TO POST FOR ALMOST TWO DAYS! TWO! DAYS! And sadly, in that time, we recently had ANOTHER shooting in Washington. Tis a sad time indeed when so many lives are being taken, all because of some punk with a gun... Alright, rant over...

I wanted to write something-ANYTHING-to distract people from the gloom and doom that's been happening as of late.

I return my subjects! For any wondering, YES I have been rewatching the Lord of the Rings, soooo many times now, and I bloody loved it! However, I wasn't too pleased with a couple of the points (SPOILERS AHEAD) And I got curious.

And when I saw that there were no Naruto crossovers with it and all the INSANITY that takes places throughout, well, the gears in my mind got to turning. As another note, this is yet another sort of prequel to the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond.

Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read that, first.

So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.

Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.

This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.

LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Now...

...off we go! I proudly present the next chapter of Not My Precious! 'Tis silly and crackish as can be, a bit of light in these dark times! Try taking Sauron seriously in this. Just try.

I DARE YE!

"So do we have a bet?"

"I will destroy you, little man."

"Bah, ya ain't the first to say that and ye won't be the last!"

~Naruto and Sauron.

Let there be War

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!

I have nothing to bloody do!

I have ridden a bloody kraken, tamed a wasteland, wrestled with demons and crossed blades with legendary warriors. My feet have strode to the end of the universe and watched it be unmade, then remade again. Mine eyes have seen the beauty of creation, and the terror of destruction. But for the last century, after losing a rather ill-placed bet, I have seen and done none of these things! Not out of fear mind you, but because I swore up and down that I wouldn't risk my life as I did last time.

I may have...ah...been dead for a little while. Not the dead-oh, back in a sec-kind of dead, but the dead, DEAD kind. The sort that required the sacrifice of someone very near and dear to me to bring me back. I suppose I'm doing this, keeping up my spirits, to honor her sacrifice. Even the mightiest gods, as I've learned, can die. I myself am no exception, it seems!

Who killed me, you ask? Well...think. Who could possibly kill ME and keep me down for any length of time? Think about it. REALLY THINK! Yup. There ya go. Ah, but I digress and that's a story for another time. But, for now...

...time for another adventure!

I promised Indy I'd avoid facing fellow deities and spirits after the last one killed me -in a sense- but I'm afraid for the sake of my own sanity, I need to break that promise. There's been so much death in the world as of late, not just my own, but others, too, that I can't bloody take it anymore. I am sick of death. My mind is weary of seeing lives thrown away in the face of evil, and for what? Gone. Forgotten. Never to be remembered in anything more than a toast to the victorious dead.

Sick.

Of.

It.

Then I happened upon this little realm and wow.

Plenty of death.

I mean seriously, RIVERS of it! I never knew people were so adept at getting themselves killed! Entire armies, wiping themselves out! Brangaine tells me there are BOOKS about this world, she even made me skim a bit before I gave up. Books! Bah! Who needs 'em! She can keep 'er books! Now, where was I? Oh, right, ranting.

They say its always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming. It will come. I've just decided to bring it a little early, with a little help from her.

It will be a glorious tale!

Awesome tactics of amazing battles and a long, perilous quest! They shall speak of it for days, and drink much grog, legends of a day were spoken of for centuries...ah, who am I kidding? Its going to be messy, bloody, and hopefully, my darling Indy won't catch wind of this. If she does...well, I'm not very fond of regrowing my head and other vital organs. She wouldn't dare harm a hair on our daughter's head but alas I am not nearly so fortunate in that regard.

Still!

Now I know what you're thinking, you, who may be reading this entry. Naruto, bad idea, going here! VERY bad idea! Horrible idea! Don't mess with the Ring! It'll be worse than that time with the Mary-Sues!

I say ye nay! NOTHING can be worse than that.

After all, this shitty ring ain't MY precious...

...that'd be my daughter!

Sauron was vile.

He was wrath, he was spite, foulness incarnate. His sole wish was to dominate all things living, all forms of life and creation. From his fortress of Bara-dur in the land of Mordor, he planned and he plotted, machinating and manipulating the downfall of man. To enslave everyone, everything, be it man or beast.

For yes, the great eye of Mordor saw all!

To see this done, this end accomplished, he had defied death itself at the hands of Isildur. His body might have been destroyed all those years ago, but his soul had endured. His forces gathered, he knew now that the time was nearly at hand. The world would know him once more, and all of Middle-Earth would weep! He was Sauron! The Dark Lord! Mighty! Invincible! All would bow before him, worship and despair, or they would be ground into dust!

All evil gathered itself unto him, readying itself to make his war.

Once his insufferable orcs and uruks stopped bungling everything up! Like orc 2,503. Poor sod went and got an arrow to the knee. Now, Sauron didn't rightly know what that meant, but, having once been availed of the physical form himself, he imagined it wasn't exactly a pleasant thing to have an iron point rammed into your knee. Well, at least it wasn't as bad as what Uruk 507 had done, falling down a flight of stairs, or Orc 286, at that batch of poisoned grog.

Come to think of it, that last one might actually be important. Meh. More orcs where they came from, in the long run.

Ah, but once he had the RING from that fool hobbit, these minor failures and setback would be naught but-

CLUNK.

Clunk?

Had his great eye possessed the capacity to blink, it would have. As it were Sauron merely stared, dumbfounded, swiveling as a harsh metallic sound clanged mercilessly, drawing his attention. It sounded as if someone were actually trying to scale his tower-no, no, that was a ludicrous thought. Orcs lacked the wisdom and the wit to do such a thing, and even Saruman's new Uruks weren't foolish enough to actually climb tower and meet him in person...er...spirit. Were they?

Then, as if to answer that very question, a pale hand slung itself over the rim of the dark spire. Sauron stared at it, baffled. That was no orc hand. In fact it didn't look like a proper hand at all, it was far too pale a hand, ending it slender, jagged nails that looked as though they belonged on a warg rather than a man. As he looked on those claws retracted, shrinking back into the hand with a quiet "snikt!" of sound. Another hand hauled itself up above the brim,

"Jeez that's a long climb!" a rough voice groaned. "'S what I get for being dramatic...oh. Did I interrupt your rant?"

Had he hands, Sauron would have face-palmed. As it were, he merely groaned. Another thing he'd appreciate once he regained the Ring.

"People all day today...alright, who dares climb mine tower?"

"Well, that'd be me."

He found himself looking at a strange, amalgamation of a man, red horns, white hair, and whiskers all. Merry blue eyes squinted up at him, unflinching in the baleful orange light. He wore the sort of heavy plate that a man of Gondor-foul pests!-might claim to own, but it looked...wrong somehow. Fierce, in an almost primal, savage way. The color of cobalt glared back at him in the amber radiance, light to dark. Its tasseled cloak, an eerie shade of silver, bearing the likeliness of a leaf-a leaf of all things-upon its back.

His armor was another matter.

Bearing the snarling emblem of a vermilion fox on the breastplate as well as cruel, wicked spikes upon pauldrons and vambraces both, it was a suit made solely for war. Indeed, the very airs seemed to bend around the crimson plate he wore, all flowing lines and swirling eddies. Like the massive, jagged blade on his back, he looked dangerous

He didn't know what to make of his man, whether to smite him or simply stare.

Then the little man raised a hand in greeting.

Such impudence, this one!

"Hail, Sauron!" he called. "Gotta say, you're bigger than I thought."

...who are you?"

"An interloper."

The Great Eye fell silent, leering at him. In the end, only a single hiss escaped it.

"What."

"Well, I'm not gonna lie." the demonic knight shrugged, cryptically. "That's what I am. An interloper. Intruder. Someone who doesn't belong." He met his gaze, the sight that had stolen the life from so many, and he did not falter. If anything he seemed smug, satisfied in his small victory. Sauron resolved to steal it from him. Perhaps HE wouldn't be so smug after taking an arrow to the knee!

"And what brings you here, interloper?" it was a demand.

"First, the name's Naruto. Second. I'm...bored." he admitted at last. I tried playing with your orcs, shooting 'em in the knee, tossing 'em down stairs, poisoning their grog, but that shit gets old. So, I decided to take the time out of my busy schedule and see you...personally And, now that we've met face to face -or is it eye?- I've decided. I don't like ya. At all."

"I do not care for your thoughts, fool."

"You will." His expression soured. "Its been ages since I've seen somebody quite as...vile as you. Plus, you're one of the closest things this world has to a deity, not to mention you're an evil ol' bastard with a HUGE chip on his nonexistent shoulder so...yeah. Now," Picking a lingering piece of dirt from his finger, the horned one gave him a flat, galvanizing look. "Lets have a chat."

"I will break you."

"Whatcha gonna do?" the man challenged. "Glare at me? Oooh, so scared."

"My throne will be made of your bones!"

"Oh, that hurts, Sauron." the man laughed, clutching at his chest. "My feelings are in tatters! Tatters. But for the sake of respect, sure. I'll summon one of your little orcses up here so you can try to kill me. I mean, you don't have any hands or anything and I can't die easily, so...

Raising a hand, he snapped his fingers; and just like that, one of the dark lord's minions appeared, betwixted and bewildered.

The great eye glowered impotently, but it wasn't one to waste an opportunity.

This affront to his pride could not be ignored.

So, Sauron gave the command.

"Kill!"

A metal sword descended mercilessly on an unprotected skull, braining the blond right between his horns and sending him sprawling off the roof atop the tower. Grunting in quiet surprise, he crashed into the ground, uncaring for the massive dent in his frontal lobe. The orc thwacked him once more, then twice followed by thrice, for good measure, and when that didn't work, its dirty face finally purpled in angry rage. Helpless, its could only watch as his snickering visage stitched itself back together.

He hadn't been lying, after all. The smug...bastard really was immortal.

"Aaaaaaaaand Rasengan."

Naruto bolted to his feet and blasted the puny creature off the roof with a flick of his wrist, an open palm smashing the jutsu home into the beast's chest. Squealing, the creature plummeted to its doom, ground to a red past on the scorched earth below.

Then the horned one started to laugh.

"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out soft and soothing, the cackle of a man gone mad. "...ehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it jumped three octaves, leaping into an insane shriek that left would have left a normal man's hair standing on end, his skin rippling in gooseflesh as that voice skipped into an insane shriek. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the harsh sound of his palms smacking together with a harsh, continuous pop of sound. It was the strangest sound he had ever witnessed, and yet at the same time, the most amusing, terrifying sound he'd ever heard, because he was the one making it.

"Oh, that shit never gets old." doubling over, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eyes. "You should see your eye right now!"

"Now, I could end this right now." he hummed. "I could find your ring, drop it in the lava or whatever, and that'd be the end of it. Game set and match. But...that'd be incredibly dull. And to be honest, I want to spend a little more time in this world, rather than be a deus ex machina. My friend wouldn't like that either."

"Friend? I don't see any-GAH!"

A young girl of eight years poked her head out from behind the whitehead's back, startling the Dark Lord mightily. Where...WHERE DID SHE EVEN COME FROM?! She hadn't been there before!

Bright eyes shone from a cherubic face, framed by deep ebon locks. The color itself stood in stark contrast to the brilliant blue-green dress she wore; a fine, silk robe that looked as though it had stepped from the pages of an ancient, medieval tome and into reality. Those eerie, ageless eyes gazed into his lone own stoically, and the Dark Lord felt himself humbled. Perturbed, he glowered at her. She met his stare evenly, and incredibly, he found himself unable to meet her gaze overlong.

Humbled.

By a child, of all things!

"Dark Lord Sauron, meet my favorite daughter, lil' Brangaine, formerly known as the Archdemon Urthemiel, goddess of beauty, reincarnated." A hand descended, mussing the angelic girl's hair, causing her to frown slightly, pale cheeks pinching in annoyance. "Or you could just call her Ur. Raised her myself. Unlike you, she actually knows what its like to be omnipotent."

The child raised a tiny, white hand, waving.

"She's not much of a talker unless she wants to," Naruto continued. "So, I'll let my little precious here tell you the reason we're here." Craning his head down, he gave the girl a loving look, "Sweetie?"

"We want to play a game." her voice was like the sweetest song and for a moment, the Dark Lord actually went still. "Would you like to play?" Her voice nearly snared him, if only for a moment. There were no words for such beauty, no song you could compose to give light to such grace...! Then the moment passed and his hatred returned.

Sauron's eye twitched.

"I have no interest in such things!"

"Oh, but you will. Think of it as chess. You do have that here, don't you? Basically, its this. If my pieces win then I get you." a finger thrust outward, jabbing him in the eye. "You, your armies, your Nazgul. All of it. You will submit to me and obey my every whim. Always wanted to make a dark lord my bitch. See? Totally went there."

The Dark Lord took a moment to ponder that. Fool, challenging him!

"And if I triumph?"

"Then I let you rain fire and brimstone unabated on an entire universe of your choosing. So? Is it a bet?"

"I will destroy you, little man."

"Bah, ya ain't the first to say that and ye won't be the last!"

When next he looked, the man was gone.

With that, an age of war and pranks had begun...

A/N: WHAT A LOVELY DAY INDEED! Ah, sorry. Just couldn't help myself. What kind of hilarity can Naruto get up to here? Ohhhh, quite a bit. Don't believe me? BEHOLD THE PREVIEW. THAR BE TWO-NO, THREE THIS TIME!

(Preview)

Rivendell.

Never had there been a more dire time in the history of man. The Doom of Mordor was nearly upon them

It was here that the council had been called.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old...you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor." Elrond began gravely. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

"One does not simply walk into Mordor." Boromir scoffed.

"I did."

All eyes turned to the cheeky blond.

Aragorn spared the man a frown. By the fair state of his hair and those glittering blue eyes, he looked to have hailed from Edoras. What would one of the plainsfolk be doing this far from home?

"What? I'm a great guide!"

"Oooooooooh you're a big fellow, ain't ya?!"

"Get away from the balrog, you fool! It'l kill you!"

"It's a girl, actually."

...what?"

Naruto nodded, considering.

"I think I'll keep her."

"WHAT?!"

"What is it, preciousssssss? Who is talking to us?"

"FLY YOU FOOL!"

Gollum yelped as a deep, reverberating voice snapped into existence behind him.

Brangaine grinned, exposing the tips of her fangs. Her dragon was truly something to behold, and all courage fled from Gollum straight away.

"Dinner time."

Poor Smeagol promptly ran for the hills, gibbering like a madman.

AND THE INSANITY CONTINUES! So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas, Review, Would You Kindly?

R&R~! =D