AN: Had this idea while reading someone else's Dramione fic, and I couldn't stop laughing; I still can't. Tell me what you think!

Pages: 5

Words: 1719

~~Number 12 Grimmauld Place~~

Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter had been gone for three days, on a mission for The Order that was vital to their winning the war. Everyone was waiting anxiously for their return, and none was more anxious than Hermione.

She had the most to lose. It was her two best friends and her boyfriend that were gone after all.

She silently cursed her luck again. I still can't bloody believe I'm banned from Order Missions because of my bloody allergies! Bloody dandelions!

As if to prove her point to herself, she let loose a loud sneeze, making everyone else jump.

Suddenly, there was a heavy thud at the door, almost as if someone kicked it instead of knocked.

Molly rushed to throw the door open and three bodies practically fell into the doorway.

Hermione rushed up in terror as Harry and Ron trudged in, acting as supports for Draco, who couldn't seem to keep himself upright.

She knew, for them to be half carrying the blond man they hated, something horrible must have happened to him.

It was then she noticed his robes looked damp and heavy. She zeroed in on them leaking onto the floor.

Leaking blood onto the floor.

"What the fuck happened?!"

Draco grunted. "Nothing you need to worry about Granger. Would you two drop me off at the infirmary? Lovegood, I'd like you to come take a look at something if you would."

It was a shock to Hermione that instead of asking her, the designated healer, to help him, he asked her makeshift assistant.

Seeing her look of bewilderment, Draco half sneered, half winced at her. "It's nothing you need to concern yourself with."

~~Several Days Later~~

~~Outside Draco's Bedroom Door~~

Hermione was convinced she was slowly going insane. Ever since Draco got back, he wouldn't speak to her unless he absolutely had to, and whenever she tried to tend to whatever wounds he had, he promptly bit her head off.

And Harry, Ron, and Luna were keeping oddly mum about the whole situation.

It was still a mystery to her, what the hell happened and how Draco had hurt himself.

Hearing the shower turn off, Hermione strengthened her resolve.

This has gone on quite enough. I'm getting to the bottom of this now.

With that, she flung the door open and stepped in before shutting it behind her.

She had barged in just in time, to see Draco coming out of the bathroom from his shower. She took in the sight of her (hopefully still) boyfriend, and as her eyes wandered down his towelled frame, her jaw promptly dropped.

What.

The.

Fuck.

She voiced her thoughts. "What the fuck Draco?!"

Giving her a deflated look, Draco hobbled by and threw himself on the bed. "Now do you see? This is why I didn't want you anywhere near me!"

She could find nothing to say to him as she stared at his right leg.

Or what used to be his right leg.

Coming out of his knee, was now a wooden dowel.

"You…what happened?!"

"Well, it turns out Pansy's father wasn't exactly privy to his daughter's…shall we say, indiscretions. So when I started telling him all the ways and places in which his precious Pansy had been defiled, and by dirty blooded pricks at that…"

Hermione stared at him. "Seriously? You felt the need to expose Pansy's depravities at the cost of your leg?"

Draco shrugged, not really looking at her. "Well the man has shitty aim. I wasn't counting on him actually hitting me. And to be fair he did miss what his severing hex was initially meant for…"

Hermione cringed. "Now that, I would have understood you trying to hide from me. But a wooden leg really is the least that could have happened to you. What gives Malfoy; why didn't you tell me?"

Draco snorted. "Come off it Granger. As if it wasn't bad enough you were overlooking my Dark Mark. Now I have a fucking wooden leg too! You deserve better than an incomplete man; you deserve better than me!"

Hermione snarled at him. "What makes you the reigning expert on what I deserve?! Shouldn't that be up to me?"

"Clearly not! Look at me woman; I'm basically Mad-Eye Moody!"

Hermione glared at him. "You could be Nearly Headless Nick and I still wouldn't budge! I love you! Not for your leg; for you! And if I came in to you being fitted for a glass eye tomorrow, I would still vow to love you until the end of my days! Nothing as superficial as that could ever make me stop!"

Draco scowled and flopped onto his back. "I think you're going to come to regret this decision. Just because fucked up guys turn you on is no reason to date them."

Hermione crawled on top of him. "Why don't you let me worry about that, if and when the time comes. For now, just enjoy. I know you've missed this as much as I have"

That night she proved to him that leg or no leg, he could still make her scream for the stars.

Those weren't her words, or mine. They were Ron's, poor, traumatized Ron's words, the next morning when he stumbled to the breakfast table with dark circles around his eyes.

~~A Few Months Later~~

~~After The Battle of Hogwarts~~

Hermione ignored all the people trying to stop her for congratulatory hugs.

They had won.

Finally.

Hermione was near delirious with relief when she had nearly collided with a panting Neville. He had run to get her and let her know she was needed in the infirmary.

Something bad had happened to Malfoy.

She kept running until she reached the doors.

Taking a deep breath she flung the doors open and stepped inside.

All the occupied beds made her ill, some even housed two people as they had run out of room fast. But her eyes zoned in on the bed on the end that all her fellow Order members seemed to be crowding around.

She came upon them in time to see Luna shake her head and sigh. "I'm so sorry Draco. But the damage is much too far gone; there's nothing I can do."

Heart pounding, Hermione shoved Blaise aside and took in the sight of her boyfriend. His hair was mussed and stained red. He'd had a chunk of wood taken out of his new leg, and he had bandages wrapped around his head, encompassing his left eye.

She quickly approached and began running her fingers through his hair. "What happened? What's too late? Why won't any of you say anything?!"

The group was silent. It was Ron who finally managed to speak to the girl who'd been his best friend for almost ten years. "Mione…Malfoy…he took another severing hex from Parkinson. Bloody bastard can't keep it shut…much like Pansy infact."

Seeing that Hermione wasn't in the mood for jokes, he continued. "Well he took the hex to the face…and…well we're going to need to fit him for a glass eye. I wonder if anyone knows who did Moody's…"

Everyone held their breath as they expected outrage from Draco and crying from Hermione. It would be well within their rights after all; they had quite enough to deal with.

Hermione's parents were without their memories in Australia.

Draco had turned his back on his entire bloodline to do what was right.

Hermione would be sporting a gruesome, derogatory scar for the rest of her life.

Draco was an ex-Death Eater with a Dark Mark.

Draco had lost a leg.

Draco had now lost an eye.

Draco's problems outweighed Hermione's but everyone knew one of her most prominent traits was making other people's problems into her own.

Ron mentally sighed. Bloody Mione and her bleeding heart.

There was no outrage or crying from either of them. Instead, Draco and Hermione took one look at each other…

And.

Burst.

Out.

Laughing.

They were in incomprehensible hysterics and their friends could only look on in shock, all of them wondering if the stress had finally hit and caused both of them to snap.

~~20 Years Later~~

~~Malfoy Manor~~

~~Living Room~~

Hermione was hosting a little get together with all of her and Draco's friends.

It was twenty years to the day that they had beaten the Dark Side, and everyone was having a jolly time, reminiscing and in Ron's case, gorging on snacks.

They were interrupted when her son, Scorpius, stormed into the room, with a dark look on his face.

Hermione raised a brow. "What happened sweetheart?"

He scowled at her. "The Head Auror is totally off his rocker! You'd think it being the anniversary of the fall of Voldemort, and the tosser's first day on the job, he'd give us some slack, but no! Bloody hard arse, and I swear he's harder on me than everyone else, too! What does he know anyway? I've got enough agility and knowledge to set his bloody 'constant vigilance' on its ear!"

Scorpius suddenly found himself hanging by his ankles from the chandelier, disarmed, and unable to remove his tongue from where it was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

He glared at the door.

The man in the doorway nonchalantly polished his Head Auror badge with his robes.

"Look mate. Take it from the guy who lost a leg, an eye, and in the process, a hell of a lot of pride; 'constant vigilance' is no joking matter!"

He smirked at the rest of the room, and raised a brow as if he knew something good was coming.

It had taken a minute, but Scorpius finally managed to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth, just in time to retort.

With a snort, he sneered at his commanding officer. "Aye, aye, Mad-Eye Malfoy!"

Every single person in the room either spewed or choked on whatever was in their mouths and proceeded to fall into stiches.

Scorpius scowled at them all and crossed his arms.

"Can you put me down now?!"

"No Trainee Malfoy, I think I'll leave it to you and your…agility and knowledge was it?"

And Draco went to go freshen up, leaving in his wake not a single person who could stand up or see straight.

AN: It's done! Yay! Only 2 days. Now if only I could finally get my butt to finishing the 20ish page onesie I've had going forever. It's basically done. I just can't figure out where/ how to end it. Wish me luck with the bunnies!