A/N: I return my subjects!

So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.

Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.

This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.

...off we go! I proudly present Not a Monster! 'Tis silly and crackish as can be! I know, 'tis short, but future chapters will be much longer, I promise!

ALSO!

I TEASE A LOT OF FUTURE THINGS HERE!

"I am not doing this. Not not not NOT!"

"You broke your promise; you have to!"

"Oh, bite me...

~?

Prologue

This.

THIS is precisely why I stopped betting against Indy. She! Always! Bloody! Wins! Without fail! No matter the outcome or the likelihood! Don't believe me?! Take that one time with Blue. I had to rub her feet for an entire day! Or that shtick with Dragon Ball! I had to create an entire planet! Just for her! Do you have an IDEA how long that takes?! You've got to make an entire ecosystem, keep the world juuuuust close enough to that sun so it won't freeze, but not too close or it'll boil...ARGH!

This time it wasn't even a bet! Not really!

I bet that she wouldn't find me in Lord of the Rings, and guess what?

SHE DID.

How was I supposed to know she had a sixth sense?!

I won't say how or when or why it happened-because that would spoil events!-but suffice it to say, things went sour once she did. And you bet there was hell to pay. In spades! See, that's the problem with having a wife who's near-omnipotent. She's about as strong as me now, and a bloody a spitfire, to boot! At least I can bribe Diny with sweets an' treats and the like, but Indy? NOPE! Not her! Once she sets her mind on something its just about impossible to tell her otherwise.

Take that time she got those crazy scars on her stomach and shoulders in battle. She refused to let me heal them for her. Said something about "bearing her marks with pride" or somesuch. Still, I love her for it, and as you know, love can make a man do crazy, crazy things...

Funny thing, though. She's not angry at me anymore, I think. About two days now...

..and come to think of it, she hasn't tried to bite me all that recently, either...

...oh, wait. She's coming over here...and I know that look in her eyes...

...such misfortune!

"No."

Indy exhaled softly, folding her good arm across her bosom.

Bright eyes cut across their home, dismissing the servants with a glance. Naruto sighed and settled deeper into the couch, bracing himself for the inevitable. Indy had that steely look in her eye, the kind that he knew all too well. Better to prepare himself for the long haul than simply cut and run; that'd only result in her chasing him down and pestering him to no end. So instead of fleeing, he thrust a hand in her face, and, ever so calm, flicked his wife on the forehead.

Tap.

Had anyone else done this, they would've lost that arm.

As it were, his little act of temerity got him launched halfway across the castle. It was a beautiful one, really, one of many that they owned, and he found himself getting a very good look at it as he crashed through the eastern wing, momentum sending him skipping and skidding across the grounds like a flung stone.

'Why do I let people do that...?!'

This particular abode existed in a realm apart from all the others, a universe relatively devoid of life beyond that which they'd already collected. It was the perfect place to unwind after their adventures...or in this case, settle a particularly nasty tantrum from his wife. A tantrum that left him missing half his face-and regenerating that is never pleasant, let me tell you!-and lying stretched across the hard stones like a tawny rug. Hmm, he mused, staring at the drab upholstery, I really ought to let Cortana and GLADOS redecorate...

"Um...are you okay?"

Raising his head from where he lay, a curtain of golden curls fell across his vision.

"Might wanna get out of here, Chica. Indy's kinda pissed." Groaning, he sat up, nudging her away. "Go hang out with Barbosa or something until she cools off."

"Wait, what do you mean she's-meep!"

The harsh crunch of a broken wall send the once-former-animatronic scrambling for cover.

"Ahem."

Ah.

With a supreme effort, the horned-ha!-blond picked himself up, just in time to see Chica scurry away and his head wife emerge from the hole through which she had flung him. Her bright eyes burnied intensely, homing onto him like a beacon of angry brilliance. Her deep, navy dress swirled slightly as she stepped over the rubble, bare feet padding tirelessly towards him. Naruto couldn't help himself; he croaked.

"Oi, can't we talk about-

"We've already been over this, my heart." Indy purred dangerously, tail swishing rhythmically behind her, swaying with each step. "It is my turn to pick the universe." though that smile was warm as lava's glow, it still burned with determination all the same; he recognized that boundless determination glimmering in her slitted irises and saw it for what it was. "Also, you're a bloody fool if you think I'm letting you go alone after what happened last time."

"Last time? W-What? Oi, Middle Earth wasn't that bad...!"

It was the absolute wrong thing to say, and he realized it too late.

Her glare spoke volumes.

"Ara," she began in a sweet, sugary voice as her hand closed around his collar, "That's funny. Fine, you said? Fine?" A yank drew him close, her fangs furiously flashing in his face. "Because, last I looked, breaking a promise is not fine. Going off and getting yourself eloped, is not. Fine! Confusing our poor daughter into thinking that she has another mother, that is not fine! DESTROYING A CONTINENT DURING YOUR BATTLE WITH SAURON WAS NOT FINE EITHER! Not to mention-

Naruto sputtered at that, coloring madly as he shook himself out of he grasp. "Alright, alright, no need to go there! But please! Can't we just skip it, just this once?!"

"No! It. Is. My. Turn!"

"Well," he scoffed, "Then you'd better knock me around some more, because I ain't seeing sense ye-

THUMP.

His hand shot up, catching her tail when she swiped at him. "Not this time!" Resolving himself he nodded, picking his body up and, dusting off his jacket, yanked. Now it was Indy's turn to yelp as she found herself all but upended by her husband's strength; hauled off her feet and into his arms. "And I said no." he repeated firmly, taking hold of her shoulders, his voice a warm breath on her face. Not this one. Nothing you say or do can make me change my mind."

At that, Indy's composure finally shattered.

Aaaaaand she gave him a look.

Ah, but not just any look!

It.

Was.

The.

Look.

The look that could melt the heart of any man, woman, or child for miles around; an expression that had once made the devil himself lay down arms and worship her. Her eyes glimmered wetly-even after all these years he still couldn't tell if she was actually sad or if it was merely an act-and her lower lip shivered slightly; indeed, her entire body seemed to fold in on itself, ready to collapse at any moment.

When she finally spoke, her voice wavered tremulously.

"But...But...you promised...

Urk.

"I said, NO, I ain't doin' this one." Naruto replied shaking himself free and staring her down, leaning against a wall as he steeled himself for the conflict that was almost certain to come. "You've been babbling on about this universe ever since you discovered the manga, and now you want to go there? Nope." he shook his head firmly. "Nu-uh. No way in hell, babe. Pick a different one."

"No!" Look, if you'd just listen-

"Why? I know exactly where you want to go." he answered. Flicking his fingers, the deity summoned forth a small screen between them, "I did a little research of my own after you pestered me that first time. Ahem." A sharp cough followed as he scrolled down, skimming off the lines of text thoughtlessly. "Oi, see? Blah, blah, Cultural Exchange Between Species Bill, monster girls...blah, blah, blah, humans living with said monsters and hybrids, bladdy, blah, blah...what's the point? Its fine as is!"

"Do you even know the characters?" she accused, jabbing a finger in his face. "Have you read the manga I gave you last year?"

To her dismay, the blond actually sweatrdopped?

"Um...those were books? Pool and I used 'em for kindling."

"Kin...dling...?"

Indy made a noise that was half croak, half yelp at the mention of her ruinated texts. Sadly, this moment of shock lasted only long enough for Naruto to withdraw all of two steps. Then she was on him, her face pressed up against his, fangs flashing brightly.

"See!" she accused, swinging at him!" You don't! You probably just read up on a wikia or something, Naruto! So why can't we go there?!"

"Because its' boring!" he exclaimed aloud, closing the window with a savage swipe of his fingers and using the other hand to hold her at bay. "There's nothing to do! Let's go somewhere more exciting!"

"AAAARGH!" You're just like Goku!"

"Goku?!" Naruto guffawed, uttering a short, sharp bark of laughter." You're comparing to me to that oaf?! I'm not like him in the least!"

"Yes, you are!" she shot back, thrusting her chin up at him in blatant defiance of said statement. "Always fight, fight, fight, FIGHT! And if isn't fighting, then you're pranking! Can't you just relax for once?! Think of it as a vacation!" Now it was Indy who

His eyes hardened as he settled into a stance.

"I am not doing this. Not not not NOT!"

"You lost the bet; you have to!"

"There was no bet!"

Indy made a quiet, frustrated noise.

"Did you just hiss at me?!" Naruto exclaimed!

"That depends. Will it change your mind?"

"NO! There is no way I'm going to subject myself to that kind of torment just so you can have a little fun!"

"But there are people like me in this world!" she cried, grasping at straws. "Beings Diny and I can relate to!"

Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"Last I checked, there was no one like you in any world, sweetheart. Or Diny for that matter."

Indy opened her mouth to refute those words, then hesitated at the last second.

Because, at that very moment she chose to appear.

"Mine!"

Naruto started slightly as Diny herself popped into existence between the two of them, her purple dress fluttering harshly. Bright eyes glanced from Naruto, to Indy, then back again. She frowned slightly, putting two an' two together in respectively remarkable timing. For a stifling second of silence, no one spoke, save for the quiet sound of Indy gawping.

"Are you fighting?" Diny asked, blinking.

"No, no, no we're not Diny." Naruto sighed heavily, petting her dark tresses, drawing a pleased purr from the hybrid as he did so. "Say, why don't you go see what uncle Deadpool's up to? I'm sure he'd just love another game of hide-and-go-seek."

"With knives?" she asked innocently.

"Plenty of knives. Don't forget the chimichangas. "

Her eyes flashed wickedly and she vanished with a pop, vacating the space between them.

Just like that, the tension was broken.

"Handy thing, that belt." Naruto muttered. "Almost as good as Instantaneous Movement...

"Did you mean that?" Indy asked in a very small voice.

"What, the teleporting shtick? Yeah, but it gets boring after-

She smacked him, denting her husband on the cheek.

"Oh, come on?" His voice softened. "The bit about you being one of a kind? Of course I did."

Her dusky cheeks colored slightly, but only for a moment.

...I don't want to fight anymore." she said at last, kissing him

"Look, I'm not trying to be a dick, either. Its just...why this place?" He groaned, rubbing his face as she pulled away. "History and facts aside, I know next to nothing about the people and you just want to jump in...the last time we did that we kinda nuked Capcom, remember...?"

"Can we just try?" she asked, gazing up at him. "Please?"

Naruto sighed, feeling the last brick in the wall of his resistance crumble to dust and blow away on the winds. Sometimes he marveled at it all. Here was a being he'd taken from an egg, someone who'd nipped him as an infant and ingested a bit of his blood. An entity who, by all rights, should be broken beyond belief, or at the very least, insane. And yet, with only a little nudging on his part, she'd become more. So much more. Funny-it all seemed so distant ago now, when in reality, it hadn't been so long at all.

She had stood with him against Gods and beings who made the multiverse tremble. She had spat in the face of fate and beaten world-killers to death with her bare hands. Whereas Diny was mentally little more than a child, content to do as she pleased, Indy...

...Indy was different.

She had gone from being a dinousaur to a hybrid, to a girl, then a girl to a woman, then a woman to his wife. Not just his wife, but his mate, just as important to him as Saber and the rest. She was ageless and infinite, her very DNA and his own blood granted her near infinite She was his light. His life. His love. His happiness. The mother of his children. And...

...he loved her, damnit.

"Fine." he relented with a sigh.

Indy jerked back as if she'd been struck.

"Really?!"

"Yes, really. Now lets get this over with before I regret it...

How bad could it be?

(Five Earlier, In Another Universe...)

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, oh dear sweet kami that feels good!"

Smith liked her baths.

Loved them, really.

They were the one time when she could actually unwind after a long, stress-filled day. And what a stressful one this had been! First she'd had to introduce that lamia girl into human society-draft up a TON of paperwork for that, too!-keep the poor thing from having a heart attack, and she still had to find her a host family!

Always working, working WORKING, never a moments rest! If it wasn't one thing it was another!

"Well, they can't get me in here." she exhaled, smugly. "Just let 'em try!" The hot water felt like invisible hands pressing against the smooth curves of her naked body, soothing the long work day away. Another thought, there. This job killed any pretense at a life, social, romantic, or otherwise. Ah well. At least she had her coffee. Her dark, silky hair shrouded her face like an ebon veil, covering her eyes as reclined further into the warm water.

Great clouds of steam wafted up around her, she allowed herself to exhale heavily.

The lone instance when she could tell her superiors to bugger the hell off and they actually listened was long in coming, but something she couldn't ignore all the same. Too! Much! Work! Responsibility in spades, little to no wages, host families to find for everyone...AAARGH! It gave her a migraine again just thinking about it!

She was already making peanuts as it were...

-SONUVA BITCH!"

And then it happened.

She started upright as the door to her bathroom crumbled; shattering as the form of a young man staggered in. Shock paralyzed Smith. Rooted her, leaving her lying there, gawping in disbelief as he violently smacked his head against the wall as a woman half-marched, half dragged him inside. Pausing, she shoved him forward, nearly sending him tumbling into the water.

"Couldn't you wait a second?!" the man groaned.

Under any other circumstance Smith might have been more inclined to protest, but given the situation and the fact that they DESTROYED her door, she mere blinked. That settled it. She'd drank too much coffee again, and now she was seeing things. Yes, that had to be it; this cheap, crappy, instant coffee was making her lose her mind.

"Ah, you wouldn't happen to be Smith-san by any chance, would you?" he asked weakly.

The woman in the tub blinked, dumbfounded.

...hai?"

"We'd like to volunteer for the government exchange program." Indy chirruped happily beside. "So, where do we sign up?"

Smith blinked again, dumbfounded.

"Erm...what?" Thankfully, reality chose that moment to reassert itself. "No, no, whoever you are, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave...

Indy's eyes twinkled devilishly.

"I make the best coffee...

"DEAL!"

A/N: WHAM! BAM! THIS FIC BE FUN, SILLY AND CRACKISH AS CAN BE! Acts of randomness and sexiness? Check. Crazy references and violence? Check! Mention of Deadpool? Check! Monster girls! CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK! And There we go! Naruto and Monster Musume! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out the rest of the Not Going Home Series!

So...in the immortal words of Atlas...And here it is! The preview-portion?-of a scintilating scene for you all! Story takes a hard right here with some amusing consequences...

(Preview)

Miia's smiled turned shy.

"D-Darling...be gentle...!"

Naruto twitched, offering a slightly painful smile.

"Kinda hard to do when you're squeezing me like-gah!"

Her tail locked around his waist and forced their bodies closer, him, inside. Together, they whipped off the bed, ravaging one another like mindless animals.

Lamps crashed. Windows smashed. Ceilings and walls were shattered like so much glass. Harley didn't care. Naruto didn't care. They tumbled around the room in a wild tangle of arms and legs and mouths and sex, not caring what was in their way, taking advantage of any horizontal surface they could find. They explored every inch of each other that night and then some; learning every nook, cranny, and nuance of one another that'd never been knowing, kissing, grasping, kneading, thrusting, until...until...UNTIL...!

Until the entire city of Tokyo heard one rapturous, climaxed word.

"DARLING!"

Alas, this sound was overidden by the harsh crash of the bedroom door splintering to a thousand pieces.

Indy coughed harshly, standing in the doorframe.

"Ahem!"

Ah, balls...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

R&R! =D