It was muttered at the end of his laugh. "Oh man, I love you."

Jonathan felt it when Evan said it. That sudden twist of nerves in his stomach. That painful beat of his heart as it kicked into overdrive. It probably meant nothing, he probably had no idea what he'd just done. A slip of the tongue, a simple statement that was only meant to be kind and jesting. It probably wasn't serious.

Evan probably didn't really love him. More than likely just as a best friend, because guys definitely loved their friends, but they didn't fall in love with them.

Not like Jonathan had fallen in love with him and the way he changed his tone with him when it was just the two of them. He loved the way Evan looked for him no matter how many other people were playing. He loved the way he'd tease, speaking in that low tender tone of voice that he never used on anyone else. It made him feel special. At times he felt wanted and once he felt that, he was spoiled on it.

Evan never let up. He'd actually started doing it more and Jonathan didn't know what had changed or why he'd done it in the first place but he never wanted it to end. He started to want more and that was the most terrifying moment of his entire life. Knowing that he was beginning to fall for someone so far away and out of reach. It kind of hurt, but he couldn't stop. Because every time he heard Evan's voice, it made his entire world light up and he couldn't let that go.

So there he was, heart pounding as Evan kept laughing at whatever Jonathan had done in their game, he couldn't remember. He couldn't even tell you what his middle name was right then. He was frozen, hands rigid on his mouse and keyboard, eyes glued to the screen.

"Delirious?"

Jonathan didn't hear a thing until Evan opened the door to his room and flicked him upside the head with a finger. He finally snapped out of it and looked up him. He grinned and sat back.

"Sorry, I spaced out there for a second."

Evan laughed, "Yeah, I know. You good?"

"I'm good." Jonathan nodded and brushed it all off and they kept gaming until they both were too tired to play anymore.

Evan finally flew back home two days later after they had cooked each other meals and then went out to dinner and the arcade downtown. Every time Evan was there he treated him like he was his date, buying him ice cream, driving him up to his favorite hilltop to watch the meteor shower. The first few times he'd visited they weren't like that. They had ordered pizza and watched comedies, played games like normal guys. But the past two times, Evan was different. He was so sweet and laughed so fucking cute at all of his stories and he'd watch him in a way that had Jonathan's face feeling warm.

He didn't understand why he treated him differently because Evan wasn't the kind of guy that was into other guys. It was confusing.

Jonathan pried a few weeks later while they played online. "Do you have a best friend?"

It was an out of the blue question, he knew that and he also knew that Evan wasn't expecting it by the silence he gave him before he finally responded. "I used to call a lot of people my best friend. Like the guys I grew up with who are big and successful now, too. I still hang out with them, but deep down they're just friends. Good friends, but not bests. But then this one guy came along, just planted himself in my life and I couldn't get rid of him if I tried because I care about him a lot and he's the funniest person I know, an idiot, and someone that gets me."

Jonathan was messing with the edge of his shirt anxiously. "Yeah? Who?"

"It's you, dumbass."

Jonathan broke into a smile, giggling. "I was going to be so sad and disappointed if you didn't say it was me."

"I know." Evan said with that goddamn tone that was so gentle. Jonathan could hear the smile in his voice when he added, "I would never do that to you."

"I know."

It confirmed a few things for Jonathan, but it didn't settle the want he still felt or the pure rage and jealousy that consumed him the moment a picture of Evan was posted of him at a party, surrounded by beautiful women. Women that didn't know him like Jonathan did.

He swallowed down the hopeless feeling he had grown used to when he thought of Evan or being with Evan or Evan possibly wanting to be with him too. It was an empty dream and he had accepted the fact that his life was going to be filled with pining and just barely holding onto what ever Evan would give him. It made his chest hurt and sometimes he wanted to lock himself in the bathroom and never come out.

But he didn't.

They took turns visiting each other once a month as they had been for the past year. It was Jonathan's turn to fly to California and he hated it so much. He hated planes but Evan was the only motivation he needed to get on the death bus with wings.

Once he was there and falling on his couch exhausted, Evan was leaning over him holding something behind his back.

"I made you something." He grinned sweetly when Jonathan cracked his tired eyes open.

"What?"

Evan pulled a teddy bear from behind him. He had him made to look like Jason Voorhees, tiny mask and all. Jonathan felt his heart swelling in his chest and refused to let the tears collect in his eyes. He wanted to cry but he also wanted to bust out laughing at the thought of Evan in a Build-a-Bear workshop surrounded by kids as he made his own bear. It was adorable.

"Are you serious?" He said and the smile stretched across his face. Evan nodded and started to laugh but it was cut short when Jonathan pushed himself up and hugged him tighter than anyone ever had and Evan knew.

He knew that everything after that moment was going to hurt.

And it did. It hurt to hear him laugh, to see him smile. It hurt to catch him drifting off in thought while he stared at him.

It hurt and there was something about it that was so addicting. Therefore he couldn't let it go. He wouldn't and it was so selfish of him but Jonathan was a flame and Evan was burning. Evan knew it was wrong to let him get so close, so he kept him at arms length. He never let it slip that he wanted to be even closer.

He never let it slip, until the day he invited Jonathan up to Canada to see the Northern lights. In the night as they walked out onto a frozen white plain, Evan saw what they could be, what he wanted them to be. The green and turquoise ambient light of the Aurora Borealis was shining down on Jonathan as he looked up in wonder. He was so pure and full of possibilities and Evan wanted to see how far they could go, but he knew he would never let it get past this point. He tried to convince himself.

Evan stood by his side and caught his cold fingers as he watched him smile at the universe. Jonathan looked over at him, smile gone, a question poised on his tongue as his hand twitched in his.

Evan knew he shouldn't have but he knew he was going to break his heart no matter what he did. He almost leaned in but he let his hand go instead and moved away. He could see the hope fade from Jonathan's eyes.

"You're scared."

Evan's breath faded into the air. "Of what?"

"To be with me."

"I am."

"Why?"

Evan shook his head and looked up at the lights. "All I'm going to do is hurt you. Just like I've hurt everyone I've ever been close to."

"You hurt me every day." Jonathan said softly and he grinned sadly before he walked past him. "But I guess you know that, if I'm like everyone else."

Evan caught his arm, "You're not."

Jonathan shook him off, "Then stop pretending I am. Or is this what you wanted? To get as close to me as possible, make me want you? Because, mission accomplished, Evan. Like, a long fucking time ago. But if that's just what you do, push people away that have any sort of feelings for you instead of taking a chance because you're scared it's all the same, then I'm gone."

Evan wanted to stop him because Jonathan was different, but that scared him even more. Because he knew that it would be the best thing he'd ever had or experienced, but he'd never had something that lasted. With Jonathan, he didn't want to mess that up, he didn't want to be happy for once just to have it all torn away from him like it always was. He always let people slip away before they had a chance to make themselves permanent.

Jonathan was the first person he wanted to be permanent. But he let him walk away under the lights that were almost as beautiful as he was. Nothing could compare to that smile, those eyes, or his laugh. Nothing or no one ever would.

Jonathan stopped visiting and Evan stopped watching his phone for his texts. They drifted, not too far but he felt it deep down. The guilt multiplied tenfold and he'd never hurt as bad as he did when Jonathan posted a video with old footage from months ago when Evan was at his house. He was confused at first and then he almost panicked when he heard himself laugh and it trailed off before he said nonchalantly, "Oh man, I love you."

He paused the video and put his head in his hands and he didn't know what to do from there. Evan couldn't think about anything else after that. Nor could he sleep properly. He tossed for two weeks until a con came up and he was sitting at the panel with some guys he barely knew and they were answering fan questions that were coming through on Twitter.

It was repetitive and he wanted to leave until the guy at the podium said, "This one just in, it's for Vanoss. This is, well I'm not quite sure what this means but maybe you do, Vanoss. This is from user 'NnorthernLightss' and their question is, 'Did you mean it?'"

Evan felt his fingers wanting to tremble with the uncertainty that had put itself upon him in the crowded room and the heat flooded his face. But he let the truth roll off his tongue and he took a chance for the first time in his life.

Evan looked straight ahead at a camera and said with finality, "I meant it."

"Do you wanna elaborate on that one?" The guy asked but Evan just shook his head and faked a laugh.

"It's an inside joke kinda thing." He lied and left as soon as it was over. There was no one in the crowds that he was looking for, no one prettier than the Northern lights. So he went home and tried to call Jonathan but he wouldn't answer. Was it even him that sent that question?

Evan fell to his bed and he hated himself more than normal. A voice interrupted his brooding and he sat straight up looking up at Jonathan in front of him.

"Do you still want to hurt me?"

Evan slid to the edge of the bed and pulled him closer until his face was buried in his shirt. He shook his head and pulled back, "I never wanted to. Let me make it up to you."

"How?"

"I love you and I'm going to love you for as long as you let me. I'm going to give you everything I have to offer and I'll try to make you the happiest person in the world." Evan looked up at him and sighed. It felt so good to finally let him in. He knew it would.

Jonathan grabbed his face and grinned down at him crookedly. Before he leaned closer and pressed their lips together he said, "I'm already halfway there."