Community Service

Dr. Joan Leland sat down for lunch with a huge sigh of relief. It had been a very stressful morning, but that wasn't unusual in Arkham Asylum, and as head doctor, she was the one everyone complained to when things got rough, which they always did.

So far this morning, Dr. Leland had had to mediate an argument between Jervis Tetch and Poison Ivy – the former had expressed a desire to paint the white roses in the Arkham Gardens red, while the latter had accused him of premeditating murder by suffocation and lead-poisoning. And by mediate an argument, she actually meant trying to shout over Ivy's furious ranting while she struggled to escape from the restraint of the guards and beat Tetch into a pulp. In the end, a sedative was necessary – reasonable discussion never worked with these particular inmates.

On top of which, Two-Face had got into a fight with Riddler. And what that meant was that Two-Face had beaten Riddler almost to the point of unconsciousness before the guards could drag him off him. When Dr. Leland had demanded the reason for the outburst, while still trying to keep Nygma breathing while they rushed him to the infirmary, Two-Face had snarled that Nygma had tried to explain to him that probability was a random science at best, and any person who put his faith in a coin toss was an idiot. Then Two-Face had asked what the probability of Riddler getting his ass kicked was, Riddler had responded with fifty-fifty, Two-Face had flipped the coin, and it had landed good side up. Then Two-Face explained to Riddler that in this case, the probability was one-hundred percent, since good and bad side both told him to kick Riddler's ass.

But now it was lunch time, the hour break Dr. Leland got between her constant day of madness, and one of the few things keeping her sane in this nuthouse, she thought, unwrapping her steaming lunch from the paper. And now she was intent on devouring a nice, greasy Philly cheesesteak. To hell with the diet.

She had just raised the sandwich to her lips when another alarm blared, and a guard burst into her office. "Dr. Leland, it's the Joker, he's…"

"About to get punched in the face!" roared Dr. Leland, slamming down the sandwich as she stormed out of the room. "I do not need this on my lunch hour!"

They arrived in the Joker's cell to see him holding Jonathan Crane's head down the toilet and flushing repeatedly while chuckling madly to himself. "Joker, let go of him now!" shouted Dr. Leland, shoving him away. "Why on earth are you picking on him?!"

"Me picking on him?" said Joker innocently, looking shocked. "He started it, Doc! I'm the victim here, and I'm only acting in self-defense!"

"Sure you are," said Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Are you all right, Jonathan?" she asked as Crane slowly got to his feet, sputtering and wiping his face with his sleeve.

"I'm fine," he growled, glaring at Joker. "It's not the first time my head's been flushed down the toilet."

"Probably won't be the last either, eh, nerd boy?" chuckled Joker.

"How did this start?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"Told you, his fault," said Joker, nodding at Crane.

"It was not!" snapped Crane. "He started it, as usual, by trying to be so goddamn funny all the time! He…has an audio recording of…of Harley in the throes of…in the middle of…at the peak of…um…at her…sexual climax," he whispered, flushing red. "Which he's hidden in my cell somewhere, and every so often he'll just play it, when I'm trying to work or read or sleep and…it's most distracting. So I came here to confront him and demand him to tell me where he's hidden it, and you saw the result."

"He threatened me, Doc," said Joker, shrugging. "What was I supposed to do, just tell him where I've hidden it? Where's the fun in that?"

"Joker, it's not funny to irritate people like that," retorted Dr. Leland. "Just tell us where it is."

Joker shook his head. "Nope, nope, nope, don't want to. Haven't had enough of the look on Craney's face when I set it off, and he hears what he'll never bring a woman to!"

Crane raised a fist which Dr. Leland intercepted. "I'm not dealing with another fight today!" she shouted. "Guards, go to Crane's cell and find that recording. I will deal with this situation after lunch. You may think you're brave to fight Batman, Joker, but when you come between a woman on a diet and her Philly cheesesteak, you really take your life into your hands," she growled.

She stormed back to her office, sitting back down and picking up the sandwich again. And then the telephone rang.

"Not now!" she snapped, picking up the receiver and then instantly hanging up. Her secretary popped her head in.

"Uh…sorry to interrupt, Dr. Leland, but that's the mayor on the phone for you."

Dr. Leland felt her free hand curl into a fist as she put down the sandwich and picked up the telephone. "Mr. Mayor, what a pleasure to hear from you!" she said, in a falsely pleasant tone.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Leland – I hope I'm not interrupting anything?" asked the Mayor.

"No, no, nothing important," said Dr. Leland, looking longingly at the cheesesteak.

"I trust you're having a quiet day."

"Oh yes, all fine here," lied Dr. Leland. "The patients are on their best behavior today."

"I'm glad to hear it," he said. "I just wanted to let you know that the city council's just approved another initiative to re-integrate the Arkham inmates into functioning, productive members of society."

"Oh, great," said Dr. Leland, in what she hoped wasn't too sarcastic a tone. "Those always end well."

"This one should," said the mayor. "It's going to be supervised by Mr. Cobblepot. A former rogue should be able to keep his fellows in line, don't you think?"

"I don't think anybody can keep the Joker in line," sighed Dr. Leland. "But what's the initiative?"

"Mr. Cobblepot has expressed an interest in employing his fellow rogues to perform community service at the Iceberg Lounge," explained the mayor. "The belief is that once the lunatics see how rewarding giving back to the community is, and once they feel that they're really making a difference in it, their desire to harm said community will gradually decrease, and hopefully eventually disappear altogether."

"O…K," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "That seems…far-fetched."

"Frankly, Dr. Leland, we're running out of ideas for curing these people at this point," sighed the mayor. "And we're really desperate to try anything, even those that seem a little unorthodox."

"Did Mr. Cobblepot express a preference for which lunatics he'd like to employ?" asked Dr. Leland.

"He said to leave it to your discretion," replied the mayor. "He'll take three of your choosing."

"Three," repeated Dr. Leland. "All right, Mr. Mayor, I'll think about it and get back to you."

She hung up the telephone and picked up her sandwich again as she thought. "Now who's been pushing my buttons today?" she murmured, taking a bite out of the cheesesteak. "And deserves a little lesson in humility by performing community service?"

She finished her sandwich, and then pressed the intercom. "Ann? Could you send in Joker, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy? I have a little job for them."

That would teach them to start trouble, she thought. She only hoped Oswald Cobblepot was prepared for them.