Parents are just Wrong

Through some strange twist of fate, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, had somehow found himself a girlfriend while still in highschool.

At one point, I had honestly believed I would have to wait until my adult years before I could find some desperate bachelorette who would be willing to support me, but it seems the gods of romantic comedy decided to make things happen sooner.

As a result, I spent the last few weeks being put through the various motions of the riajuu. Having secretive meetings in school, going out on embarrassing dates, putting up with teasing from the little sister, being introduced to my girlfriend's parents... and finally... it was time to introduce my girlfriend to my parents.

...Or so I thought.

"Huh? A cold? ...Wait what? Just wait here? What? ...Hello?"

With just a short phone call, all of my hopes were dashed. To make matters worse, the other side didn't seem to pay any attention to what I said, simply advancing the conversation at her own pace before hanging up. It made me wonder why she even bothered calling instead of just sending a text.

I mentally shook my fists against the romantic comedy gods who got my hopes up, but was interrupted by the loud sigh of someone who never had hope to begin with.

"Hah... I knew it..."

Sitting across from me, my father sent me a look of pure lament. He was radiating so much depression and despair that the entire family restaurant somehow felt dark and gloomy, even though it was bright and sunny right past the thin sheet of glass that separated the restaurant from the street.

Thanks to that, I could feel the restaurant staff glaring at us, hoping that we would leave quickly and stop ruining their business. Unfortunately for them, that phone call had told me to wait here, so that wasn't going to happen any time soon. Their only hope was that the control beacon for my father would rein him in.

That wasn't going to happen either though, since her attention was currently focused on me instead. Rather than sending her usual glare to my father to get him to restrain himself, my mother was too busy sending me a look full of unnecessary pity.

"Hachiman, you know you don't have to do this right? ...E-Even if you have no one else, your father and I will always love you no matter what."

My father snorted. "Speak for yourself. Why the hell do I have to waste my rare day off on this farce?"

For the umpteenth time, I repeated myself. "This is not a farce, I really do have a girlfriend!"

And for the umpteenth time, it did little good. It only served to increase the kindness in mom's eyes and the resignation in dad's eyes.

"Hah..."

Another sigh. They say that every time you sigh, a small amount of happiness escapes from you. However, the person before me had never possessed any happiness. So logically, he should not have been capable of sighing in the first place. It was a mystery. A total mystery. I really wanted to send him to a research lab for dissection. For the sake of humanity of course.

"...Hachiman. Do you think your parents are idiots? This is exactly the same as what you did in grade school when you claimed you had friends. Granted, the phone call this time added a nice touch of believability, but I bet you just got Komachi to call you or something..."

Scratching his head with irritation, my father continued on. "Damn it... I still don't know how you managed to rope her into doing this... Stop teaching your sister weird things already!"

"Well this time it's real!" I said in exasperation as I operated my phone. Loading up a two-shot photo of me and my girlfriend, I passed it to my father. "Come on, see? That's her."

My mother leaned over to take a look, and then returned to giving me a gaze more lukewarm than her previous one. Meanwhile my dad brightened up a little, seemingly impressed by what he saw. Oh? Did he finally believe me? Unexpected, I totally thought that Mom would be first.

"Technology these days is great isn't it? Your photoshopping skills have improved a lot Hachiman."

Urk! I flopped down on the table lifelessly.

Why was it this hard to convince them? I mean, certainly I did a lot of silly things when I was younger in order to trick my parents into believing I had friends... but still, me getting a girlfriend wasn't something that was impossible right?

"In that case look at the number! The number of the last phone call!"

Operating my phone, my father quickly pulled up the phone number for the previous call. It was a number that belonged to neither me nor Komachi. Thus it should serve as definitive proof of my girlfriend's existence.

After staring at it for a few seconds while making various expressions of confusion and disbelief, my parents' facial expressions finally settled into a look of understanding.

Did they believe me this time?

After exchanging a few looks with my mother to gain speaking permission, my father addressed me with a solemn attitude. "Hachiman..."

Contrary to his previous aura of resignation and skepticism, he was now giving off an aura of complete seriousness. The sharp change in the atmosphere made me sit up straight and respond properly. "Yes?"

"I am cutting your allowance."

...

Huh!?

"Why?!"

Matching my sudden spike in confusion, my father displayed a sudden spike in irritation. I could almost see cross-popping veins appearing on his forehead.

"Wasting your money on a prank like this... just how long have you been spending money on a second phone?! You normally don't even use your first phone in the first place!"

Gahh!

I was lost for words. There was no convincing these people.

And I did use my phone okay? It had a lot of handy features such as telling time and waking me up in the morning...

As I resisted the urge to tear my hair out in frustration, a feminine voice called out from behind me.

"Excuse me, by any chance, are you the Hikigayas?"

Turning around, I saw a face that I had recently become very familiar with. It was a strangely youthful face that belonged to one of the few middle-aged women I knew.

My father rudely scanned the speaker with his DHA-enhanced eyes, clearly suspicious that this was some kind of sales scheme to sell us some shady products. Meanwhile, my mother responded amicably while nudging her husband with her elbow to make him stop.

"Yes, who might you be?"

Seeing that her guess was correct, the lady struck a triumphant pose that puffed out her already overwhelming chest.

"Aha! Like I thought! I wasn't sure since this was our first meeting, but you two really look like your son."

Since I was suddenly mentioned, both of my parents sent me questioning looks.

Hmm hmm. I mentally loaded up the Hikilingual app of my brain, translating those looks into actual words. Let's see, my mother's mildly curious look translated into "Someone you know?", while my father's blatantly incredulous gaze translated into "You know someone?!"

As expected from a couple that had been happily married for over a decade, they were so in sync that even when speaking with their eyes, they somehow managed to use the exact same set of words. So why was it that only one of those gazes rubbed me the wrong way?

But rather than that, there was something I wanted to ask as well.

"Why are you here? Where's-"

"Hmm? Didn't I say it on the phone? Really my daughter is so silly, she worried about this meeting so much that she fell sick and couldn't come. So here I am instead!"

Eh...? Well... I guess that's fine too...

Sensing a gap in the conversation, my mother interrupted. "Hachiman, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Ah right. These are my parents, and this is my girlfriend's mother."

My short explanation only earned me more questioning looks along the lines of "That's it?", but I really didn't know anything else. You were probably expected to say things like their job titles and their hobbies when introducing someone, but I honestly didn't know that much about my girlfriend's mother.

Heck for that matter, I didn't know that much about my own parents. I knew they were corporate slaves, but I didn't actually know what their job titles were.

That was probably for the best. Most corporate slaves just had ridiculously flashy and embarrassing titles like "Chief Paperwork Organizer" that made them feel rewarded for their work, while at the same time slyly suggesting that their work was downright insignificant in order to prevent them from asking for actual monetary rewards. And corporate slaves didn't have any time for hobbies, so there was nothing I could say about that either.

But after a few seconds, seeing as the woman had not denied my claim, the realization slowly sunk into my parents. As expected, seeing my girlfriend's mother in person served as a proof that was pretty hard to refute. Even my father, who up until now had continued to glance around the room for signs that he was on Dokkiri Camera [1], was finally getting convinced. But not before raising one last doubt as he stared at the woman I introduced.

"...Really?"

In just a few moments, my parents had been reduced to tears.

"Ahhh! Thank goodness, thank goodness! I was so, so worried. Even though I said that everything was fine, even though I said we would love him no matter what, I was still worried that Hachiman was going to grow old alone and turn into one of those people who married anime characters... ahhh I am so relieved those worries were wrong... so relieved" sobbed my mother as she wept in my father's arms.

Oi. What the hell happened to unconditional parental love? And there was no way that would have happened even if I didn't get a girlfriend you know? Really...

"I know," my father agreed. "I know right? I was so worried that he was going to grow old alone and finally snap one day. And then he would sink his poisonous fangs into Komachi... ahhh I am so relieved those worries were wrong... so relieved..."

Wh-What the hell was this person saying all of a sudden? Th-Th-There was no way I would do something like that to Komachi! Also, was it just me or were my father's worries just a little different from my mother's?

I glanced at the one non-Hikigaya sitting at the table, wondering how awkward this situation must feel for her. Even I felt so embarrassed that I wanted nothing to do with my parents. Especially the daughtercon.

However, it seems she didn't share my sentiments.

"This sorta... seems like a really fun family!" she said, looking at us with her eyes visually sparkling.

Ahhh... the parents at this table were all idiots.

[1] Japan's version of Candid Camera.

Author's Note: Just a short one-shot to let people know I am not dead. I am just busy... and stuck. I found a big plothole in what I had planned for My StayOver Plan. A rough patch would make 8man look pure evil, so I am trying to figure out how to avoid that. Will probably take a few more weeks, sorry!

So anyway, here's a one-shot to pass the time. This was written with a certain... commonly ill-treated ;_; heroine in mind, but I have kept everything as vague as possible so shippers can imagine their favorite pairing instead. That probably hurt the writing a bit, but the main focus this time was really on Hikidad anyway. He is a character that has never really appeared anywhere, although he is frequently mentioned in the LNs as some sort of super 8man: far more cynical, far more underhanded, and far more Komachi-obsessed lol.