Chapter Twenty-Three: Beautiful

Ivan finally managed to get Natalya alone as Toris was tucking Raivis into bed. Ivan knew well that the brunet policeman would be occupied for a while in attempting to calm Raivis, who was utterly ecstatic that he had finally managed to meet Perri Jones, whoever she might be.

Natalya was sitting alone in Toris' living room, and she looked up as Ivan came in, dark eyes holding just a slight tint of half-mad hope.

"How long has she been looking at me with such eyes?"

"Natalya," he said, going to kneel in front of the chair she was sitting in. "I need to understand. Will you tell me?"

"No."

"Little sister," Ivan took a deep breath. "I want to understand. Please tell me what happened. I do not understand, and… I think that this might help me understand you better. There is much I do not know about you, Natalya… I would like to be able to know you better. Would that be all right?"

"You will hate me," Natalya said. "Or, more likely, you will hate yourself. You have a soft heart, brother, and I do not-"

"But I do," Ivan said. "Do you think that I became a police officer so that I could be shielded from bad things? I became what I am to shield others from pain, Natalya, but I cannot help you if I do not understand."

"What do you think I was doing?" Natalya asked, and Ivan had never known that her voice could be so proud and yet so agonized at the same time. "What do you think I was doing, Ivan? It was dark when I went out and it was light when I returned, and sometimes there was a great deal of money, and sometimes there was none. What do you think I was doing?"

"I do not know!" Ivan wailed. "Natalya, you are so much of the confusing… Why?"

He thought he knew; he had thought he'd known ever since his talk with Katya, but he did not want to guess and be wrong, and he also did not want to face the thought of his horrid suspicions being the truth.

"I don't want you to know," Natalya said. "I don't want you to look at me with any more disdain than you already show me. I j-just want you to…"

"To love you," Ivan said. "But I cannot do that if I do not understand why you feel this way toward me, little sister."

She was sitting on the edge of her chair, as if poised to run, and he took her hands and pulled her gently onto the floor, where he held her in his arms. And she let him do it, which almost surprised him now. He had not thought that she would let him hold her after he had so deeply upset her.

"I didn't want to sleep with you," Natalya said, her voice muffled by Ivan's scarf. "I never wanted to sleep with anyone at all in the beginning, I don't think I want to sleep with you now, but I don't know… It's all changed up in my mind… I had to…to pretend…that those people were you…you were the only person that I was sure I loved… It's all messed up in my head…"

He suddenly he did not want to understand any longer, even if it meant solving the mystery that was his younger sister, and he almost shoved her away, almost ran away to try and pretend that he did not know what she was talking about. But she was sobbing, and Natalya was the type of person who simply did not cry. So he held her tighter, determining that he would hear the truth and not let go of her.

"Natalya, why?"

"What else could I have done?" Natalya whispered. "Apparently I'm pretty enough. And no one was going to hire a thirteen year old for anything respectable…"

"Does anyone else know?"

"Probably the people I slept with, but I hardly think they'll tell anyone," Natalya muttered. "Don't tell Katya. She'll be angry with herself, and also with me, and I…I don't want anyone angry with me."

She paused, leaning into him, and he tightened his arms around her, suddenly afraid that the cold, odd Natalya he had thought he knew would slip away completely and never return.

"But you are angry, aren't you?"

"No," Ivan said. "Not with you. I am angry with Katya and with myself. But you did not have a choice. You are right. No one would have hired you for anything respectable."

"Katya thought we were all going to die," Natalya said. "She lost all her hope, you know. She just sat there, saying that when your medicine ran out, all three of us were going to die. You never said anything at all."

"I was very sick," Ivan said. "For which I am sorry. It was not my intention to-"

"As if you could help being sick," Natalya grumbled. "Really, Ivan, this is why I tell you nothing."

She sighed, and in that sigh Ivan heard a great deal of pain and longing.

"But what does she long for? That, I still do not understand."

"Katya said we would die," Natalya said. "And I said no. I said I would save us, and I did. I saved us, and the method I used doesn't change what I did, d-does it? It doesn't change the fact that I s-saved you?"

"No, little one," Ivan said, stroking her hair.

"I p-pretended they were you," Natalya said. "I didn't want to do it in the beginning. I wanted to run away from those people who were so much bigger and stronger, those people who wanted something from me, and…and I couldn't. Because you and Katya would die if I didn't do those things."

Her voice kept getting softer, and Ivan kept tightening his hold as her voice faded, terrified that Natalya herself would begin to fade along with her voice.

"I was angry with Katya," she said. "And it would not have worked to pretend they were Katya even if I had not been angry. They were too tall and they were men. But you… I was not angry with you. And you were usually around the right size, even then. So I pretended that they were you, and then when we got help and I did not have to do it anymore… I was used to it at that time. I still wanted it. I wanted you."

"And so you have been trying to make me love you," Ivan whispered. "Natalya… Little sister, you should have told me."

"Why are you not running away?" Natalya snapped. "Why do you not feel repulsed any longer as you did before? Do you not find me even more repulsive than before?"

"No. I do not find you at all repulsive. I understand now. I'm v-very sorry… I d-didn't mean to get sick and have this happen, I…"

He started to cry, and, faintly, over the sound of his own tears, he heard Natalya sigh.

"Which of us is a woman? Aren't I supposed to be the one crying?"

"I will cry for both of us," Ivan whimpered. "I'm s-so sorry…"

"Why are you sorry? You did not ask to get sick."

"But I did not ask you why you were acting as you do. And for that, I am sorry."

"You asked me today," Natalya said. "You have been asking me for some time now. And I am rather glad of that. I did not want you to know…b-but…it feels good! It feels good not having to keep all of my secrets alone!"

"Never bear your secrets alone anymore, little sister," Ivan whispered. "Never again. I am here now."

He had never thought that he would see her cry, but as she did, he held onto her and thought that the Natalya he now knew, while broken and imperfect, was a far more beautiful Natalya than the one he had thought he knew before.

They met in Perri's room one last time the day that Eduard was to go home from the hospital. Perri was bound for the psychiatric hospital, although they did not know exactly when she was going to go.

"Al knows, but he won't tell me," she said. "But it'll be soon. I should be out after awhile - a few months, maybe? I don't know, but I'll call you two as soon as I get out of the damn hospital."

"Will you be okay in the 'damn hospital'?" Raivis asked.

"Yeah, fine," Perri said. "And for God's sake, don't say 'damn'. You're a baby, and it sounds wrong when somebody as tiny as you swears."

"What is 'swear'?"

"Oh, never mind," Perri grumbled. "If you don't know what a it is, you probably won't do it."

Eduard noticed her hands shaking, and he gripped one of them, beckoning Raivis to join hands with Perri, and then with him.

"Look," he said. "We're all going to be okay. Good things are happening to us, right?"

"Right!" Raivis contributed happily. "Me and Mr. Toris are going to go to a place called 'court', where I have to tell big men things about Mommy! And after we are done with all the court business, Mr. Toris is going to try to adopt me. Also, Mr. Toris is going on something called a date with Mr. Braginsky, and Miss Natalya is going to watch me and teach me how to make cookies!"

"Is this a pathetic version of elementary school type sharing time?" Perri asked, as Eduard and Raivis turned expectantly toward her. "Okay. Well… I'm not dead. Alfred's going to try to be a better older brother, and I'm going to go to this hospital place that's supposedly going to fix me. We'll see about that, but I guess it's worth a try."

She fell silent, and then she and Raivis were looking at Eduard. And he found that all of the good things he felt could be summed up in one sentence.

"I'm not alone anymore."

He smiled at his friends, and then, unexpectedly, he realized that Raivis was crying.

"Raivis… Raivis, what's wrong?"

The little boy's head was bowed, and his tiny body shook with sobs as he gripped his friends' hands.

"Imaginary-world is getting be real!" he said between sobs. "I get to be outside! A-and I get to talk to both of you, Eddy and Perri. I get to be your friend. And everyone says I'm beautiful… And Mr. Toris isn't Mommy, but he loves me, so it's almost like having all of imaginary-world be real."

Raivis lifted his head, smiling through his tears.

"The lives of normal children really are beautiful, aren't they?"

"Yes," Eduard murmured. "They are."

"The lives of humans are full of pain, hardship, and suffering. But then, at the end of all the pain, there is this. A sense of belonging, of peace, of friendship…of love. We humans live such fragile lives, filled with pain… But at the end of the pain, there is beauty. Raivis is right. Our lives, although somewhat broken and tainted by pain, are beautiful."

-"Invisible", End-

Well, I'd said that I was going to add an epilogue to this, but after revising this chapter, I think it's better left as it is. The story is complete, and adding an epilogue would only drag things out further, and rehash information that you already know. I may eventually write a few short stories set after the end of this, but, for now, Invisible is complete. Thank you all for your reviews, follows, favorites, and all of your other feedback! This is the first time I've tried to write this type of story, and I really appreciate your encouragement.

Usually when I write these ending A/Ns it turns into ten paragraphs of me thanking all of you over and over, so let me just say, again, thank you! Writing this story has been an adventure for me, and I hope you've all enjoyed it.

As far as my update schedule goes, I'll most likely resume updating Written in Blood weekly, in order to finish it before a certain date, which is important to me for somewhat personal reasons. I'll also talk to Hinotorihime about Blink, and will notify you what the schedule will be at my next update on one of those stories.

I have just noticed that this update comes a day before the one year anniversary of the day I finished Web of Delusions. That is ever so slightly disturbing, but I also think it's kind of cool!

I'm going to be quiet now.

Thank you all.

~Shadows in the Light of Day