Yay! I'm not dead!

And in the manner of Kubo-sensei, we cut away from the highly anticipated encounter to something completely different (love Monty Python).

*Dodges pointy objects thrown by angry fans.*

Sheesh! I'm trying to build up tension here! Followers, Favouriters, Fellow writers! Lend*cough* give *cough* me your reviews!

*Shoe thrown by friend connects with back of head.*

Philistines.*Pouts* If you're going to act like that, I'll just write the dementor scene as a flash-back...

*Pales at the sight of all her followers picking up even pointier objects* (Minor spoilers for Nanao's zanpakuto)

Cornelius Fudge sighed heavily as he leaned back in his chair, pulling out a large handkerchief and dabbing at his brow. Sliding open a small drawer in his desk, he took a quick swig of brandy from the silver flask within. He had just had a particularly stressful meeting with the head of one of the Finance departments. Thank goodness it was over.

"Miss Timworth!" He said loudly. His secretary opened the door to his office, a bland, bored expression on her face.

"Yes, Minister?"

"Ah, yes. When's my next meeting, or is that it? If so, then tell the office I'm going out for a late lunch. If you could hold the fort for the rest of the day?"

"Actually sir, you have another meeting in five minutes, since your last one overran. It's with a representative from the Magical government of Japan regarding some transfer students."

"Oh, right. Thank you Miss Timworth; please send them in when they get here."

"Actually sir, he's already here."

Fudge mentally cursed. He knew that turning up early was a good political trick to embarrass a superior. Evidently this man knew his way around politics.

"Uh, very well. Send him in now if you please Miss Timworth."

She closed the door behind her as she went up to the visitor sitting on one of the chairs provided in the visitors lounge.

"The Minister is ready to receive you now sir," she said, trying to keep the curiosity from her expression and failing. He was wearing what appeared to be the Japanese equivalent of normal black wizarding robes, he had a short sword stuck through his white sash, violet-tinged blonde hair and was twirling his wand between his fingers like a cheerleaders baton in a bored manner. (He had raised one Hell of a fuss when the guards tried to confiscate the blade at the entrance. Once he pulled out a diplomatic pass, they compromised with a magical scan.)

He stretched, and slipped his wand into the custom holster on the the other side of his sash, before standing up.

"Maa, arigato, Timworth-san," he said as he strode towards the door.

"So long since we had to play nice like this," came a quiet, slightly-amused voice inside his head.

'Shinso. You must be getting old if you can't remember back to Rukia-chan's execution. The way we cracked that pretty little bit of resolve and left her screaming?'

"Che. That was just stalling for time with a bit of fun thrown in. We weren't actually trying to achieve anything at the time. And what d'you mean old? We're the same age, baka."

Gin fought to keep his lips from curling in amusement, instead pasting that fake smirk on his face. That smirk felt more real than a normal smile anyway.

This was the man that ran Magical Britain? A small, pudgy man with no sense of fashion and an over-developed sense of importance. Then the slight disappointment was overwhelmed by a creeping sense of unholy glee.

This was going to be fun.

######

An hour and a half later, Miss Timworth looked up as the door to the Minister's office opened. The Japanese representative, Mr Ichimaru, strode into the visitors lounge, with what appeared to be a malicious smirk on his face.

"Have a good day, Timworth-san!" He called back over his shoulder as he swept through the outer door with an impressive billow of black robes.

With a small tug of apprehension in her gut, she rose and peered into the Minister's office. "Sir, are you alright?"

Her small, rotund superior was gripping the arms of his chair with white knuckles, face blanched white rather than it's normal ruddy complexion. His eyes bulged as he jumped when she spoke. Fumbling for the handkerchief in his breast pocket, he dabbed furiously at the sweat on his forehead.

"Sir?"

"Ah, yes...Miss Timworth...yes," he mumbled, pudgy fingers scrabbling for the neat sheaf of parchment on his desk that had been left by Mr Ichimaru. "If you...ah...um...could file...yes, file...these documents...for...um...me? Please?"

Raising an eyebrow, she picked up the papers and walked out. Sitting down at her desk, she started to shuffle through the parchment sheets, skim reading them.

As she read, her brow furrowed in confusion, until she reached a certain point. Then her eyebrows slowly crept higher in her incredulity. Equally slowly, a small smirk crept onto her lips. Non-humans at Hogwarts? Delores Umbridge would throw a fit if this news reached her(hopefully she'd pop a blood vessel and drop dead). But the odious bigot in a she-kappa's clothing was up in the Yorkshire branch office of the Ministry for the next five months, dealing with legislations on werewolves. But according to this paperwork, these transfer students could not be turned away based on race, blah, blah, blah. In short, the Ministry couldn't do anything unless one of the students crossed a line.

Miss Timworth chuckled darkly. Umbridge had successfully pushed for all sorts of anti-creature-blood laws, despite only being an Undersecretary and Miss Timworth being theoretically more important than her. But these kids were protected by not one, but two Magical governments. Umbridge wouldn't be able to do a thing. Legally anyway. Oh.

Laughter suddenly cut off, she drew her wand and began making multiple copies of the bundle of sheets. Two sets would be left to Gringotts; one lodged formally with the Goblins and the other in her own private but unassuming vault. Legally, Umbridge wouldn't be able to do anything, but despite her appearance and position, the woman was known (in Ministry office canteen-talk)to...subvert various things for her own use.

Miss Timworth wouldn't allow that to happen with this. Umbridge had thrown her weight around long enough; it was time for her to be taken down a peg. And to do it with the very legal system she so vaunted would make ever so more satisfying.

##########

Back in the Soul Society

"Come on Juu, your move."

"I know Shunsui, I'm thinking. Ah-hah!"

"Damn, I didn't think you'd be so cruel as to do that."

The two captains eyed the pieces on the shogi board between them; these games were a regular occurrence between the two, unless Ukitake was ill, that is.

"Captain Kyouraku!" A small woman in glasses carrying a large book under one arm stalked into the room. "Several important documents need your signature that can't wait!"

Ukitake looked askance at his friend. "I thought you said you had finished all your paperwork?" He asked wearily, quirking an eyebrow. Shunsui at least had the decency to look embarrassed and apologetic before he was hauled off by his lieutenant, via a firm grip on his ear and a flash step.

"Itai, itai, itai! Nanao-chaaann...'"

Half an hour later, Shunsui laid down his calligraphy brush with a sigh.

"Something's bothering you Nanao," he said, voice serious. "What is it that's got you so worked up?"

She looked up, and realised that she had ruined the paper where she had been in the middle of writing a report; from the ink leaking from her unmoving brush when she was lost in thought.

"I-I'm sorry sir, it's just that sending the arrancar to the World of the Living in non-human looking gigais makes no sense! I know they have a cover story, but surely they would be easier to place if we pretended that they were human?"

"Well, you see it's quite simple Nanao. It's a test and a punishment."

"Captain?"

"The end goal is to integrate them into Soul Society, but they have no experience in this sort of environment. Las Noches was a dog-eat-dog world; you were either lower-ranked or higher-ranked than someone else and promotion was through conquest. Comradeship, mutually beneficial social relationships with someone of equal rank is alien to them.

What better way to see if they're possible of forging bonds like that, than by throwing them into an environment where the only power is your ability to create and maintain relationships with others?"

"I see. That would definitely be a test. But how would it be a punishment?"

"Because school children can be quite unkind. Peer pressure is one of the most subtle and unkind forms of psychological tortures there are. Remember how you were ridiculed because you couldn't bond with an asauchi?"

Nanao nodded. Her Captain was right; it had been horrible being made inferior in the eyes of her classmates. Now she could see where this was going. By having the children appear very clearly non-human, it was setting them up for all sorts of stigma and stereotyping and possibly bullying. To warriors whose pride was nearly everything, it would be devastating.

"We made sure to enroll them in one of the most bigoted and prejudiced schools we could find in Europe," her Captain continued. "It's not the top school by any means, despite it's claims. But for the sort of environment we were looking for, it was perfect."

#####

Instead of stumbling about or yelling, the occupants of one compartment simply cast several Lumos spells with their wands. One was blindingly bright.

"Lilynette, turn it down!"

"Shut up Starrk, I'm trying!"

With all lights now at an acceptable level, Harribel looked around at her compatriots. "Report!" She said quietly. "It's those hollow signatures, isn't it Ulquiorra?"

"Yes."

"Joy. What evolution are we talking here? What abilities? Exact positions in relation to us?"

Green eyes focused somewhere off in the middle distance as his pesquisa extended, relaying back information.

"Evolution unknown, signatures suggest a power configuration below the level of a pre-Gillian hollow. Ice crystals forming on the window have no residual reiatsu, so the drop in temperature is a side effect. Taking into account the reactions of the children, main ability appears to be a type of illusionary aura. All are moving in a rough systematic search, entering each compartment." He blinked, and his eyes cleared, pupils sliding over to fix on Harribel. "Possible danger to the souls of the children."

"What do we do?" Tesla's voice had a slight hitch to it. He wasn't used to these sorts of situations; under Nnoitora he just been a glorified sparring partner! He couldn't even use resurrección and they were all stuck in the bodies of children. He suddenly thought of a time before he had undergone arrancarfication. He had witnessed a horde of pre-gillian hollows descend on one of their own and tear them to pieces. Now it seemed it was the other way around.

"Breathe, Tesla," came a voice. Starrk. "Don't let it get to you, just think rationally."

Starrk watched as Tesla's rapid breathing slowed as the former fracción calmed down. Tesla had been the most insecure out of their group, so it wasn't that much of a surprise that he would be the most affected by the situation.

"What do you think we should do Starrk?" Harribel asked. He blinked in confusion. "Why're you asking me? You've been doing pretty well in command so far."

"You're the Primera, as well as the most senior arrancar."

Starrk huffed and closed his eyes in annoyance. "Fine. I guess we should do something. Engaging these things in combat would be too risky; we don't know what we're dealing with and it wouldn't be wise to reveal any of our skills until later. But making our presence known from a positive perspective may endear some of the children to us. That would be a useful state of affairs to have later on."

Harribel nodded in agreement. "Yes. perhaps one of us should go to the next compartment with Potter and his friends...'"

But before she could continue, the door slid open and a boy stumbled inside with a yelp and the scuffling sound synonymous of someone tripping over their own feet. "I'm sorry, I tripped...erm, I...don't think I know you?"

"I don't think you do, and we don't know you either," Sung-Sun said drily as she looked down at the boy. His hair was a light brown, almost blonde, and the last vestiges of puppy fat clinging to his cheekbones. From his half-kneeling position, he was right on eye level with Lady Harribel's chest and if he didn't stop staring she wouldn't be responsible for the consequences!

Her eye twitched, ever so slightly, and she discreetly poked the kid's knee with her foot. He jumped, twigged what he was doing, blushed profusely and started stammering apologies.

"Shut up," Starrk drawled. "Either get in or get out; don't stand in the doorway, you're letting in a draft."

"Er...you're the only people I've seen with lights...can I stay?"

"If you sit next to Tesla, don't make a nuisance of yourself and tell us your name, you can stay," Harribel broke in, pinning him with a turquoise glare.

With a gulp, he sat down next to the blonde boy with an eye patch. "Uh...my name's Neville...Neville Longbottom. It's, uh...nice to meet you. I was looking for Harry's compartment and I thought this was it, so...sorry for barging in?"

"Hm...apology accepted," Harribel said. "Do you know what's going on? We're transfer students, so we don't know much about how things work around here."

"Oh...well, the mass murderer S-sirius Black escaped from Azkaban prison recently; they say he's after Harry. My gran says that they're posting guards around the school to protect us, but I don't know if the train stopping has anything to do with it."

"Ah, the dementors," Mila Rose said, nodding. "Ichimaru told us about them, said to be cautious."

Neville let out a terrified squeak. "D-dementors! They- they eat your souls if you get too close!"

"Fascinating," Ulquiorra said as he leaned forward. "I would appreciate experiencing one from a reasonable distance in order to examine it... I would like to point out that I may be doing that sooner than anticipated." As if on cue, a slimy rattle sounded through the air and everyone turned in time to see a skeletal hand curl it's fingers around the door.

Immediately the animals went into a frenzy, dashing themselves against the walls of their containers in panic. Neville was curled up in his seat, shivering and eyes glazed; so he didn't see the water swirling in a ball around Tibby or flames flickering at the corners of Leah's mouth.

The arrancar felt a harsh buzzing sensation inside their heads which increased to a sharp pain as the dementors pulled open the door and glided inside. Starrk gritted his teeth as he focused on it's shrouded head. "We may not be the nicest of people," he ground out. "But the murderer you're looking for isn't here."

The thing tilted it's head slightly, before backing away; as if it were confused but willing to obey. Instead of continuing to go after the arrancar, it turned towards Neville, who was still insensate on his seat. Starrk's eyes widened; "Shit! Stop it, don't let it near the kid!" There was a rush of movement.

Tesla reached down and grabbed it's cloak hem. Sun-Sung, Apacci, Mila Rose and Lilynette held it it by it's middle. Harribel grabbed one arm and Starrk the other while Ulquiorra held it's neck in a grip that, although he was in a gigai, was still bone-crushing. The dementors rattled and groaned, writhing and jerking it's limbs in an attempt to get free and eat the delicious, innocent soul right in front of it.

"What now, Starrk?" Lilynette whined. "The books say that spells don't work on these things!"

Starrk let a snarl crease his usually amiable, if slightly bored expression. His head was pounding and the instinctual, beastly part of him wanted the pain gone. "Spells; maybe not. But if it's anything even remotely like a Hollow, a cero to the head should put it down for good!"

"As weak as our cero's currently are, Starrk, it'll still go straight through and wreck this place!" Harribel growled. "And that means awkward questions!"

"Get it over to the window then," Starrk grinned. "Open the window then shoot it through the head. There's empty countryside for miles in all directions."

It took some shuffling and a lot of squirming on the part of the dementor, but they finally got it in line with the window Starrk had opened with one hand. Starrk glanced at Ulquiorra. "You're closest to the head, you do the honours." Ulquiorra nodded; "Understood."

With one hand still around it's neck, with the other he reached up seized it by the forehead, or rough approximation of anyway. The pale skin of his hand took on a greenish hue as ambient reiatsu gathered and swirled in the palm of his hand. There was a muffled thump and a whine as the tiny cero passed through the dementors skull and into the night air. The rest of the body slumped motionless, the entire head having been obliterated from the point-blank impact.

The arrancar sighed in relief as their headaches vanished and they relinquished their holds; the dementor remains crumpling limply to the ground and condensing into a ball of condensed black mist which basically made it look like gothic cotton-candy. Ulquiorra shrunk the mess with a flick of his wand and levitating it into a small plastic Tupperware box he had transfigured from a plastic bag (they had bought food at the muggle side of the train station). "I want to take a look at it later on in greater detail, also, Ichimaru may want samples."

A strangled gasp from behind them made them turn around. Neville was staring aghast at the dementor-in-a-box Ulquiorra was holding; and doing a rather accurate impression of a goldfish at the same time.

So, did you like it? I do have a few announcements to make.

1) I apologise for the lateness. Three month wait - I hang my head in shame. My excuses are thus; exams, aging relatives, aging relatives losing their marbles, general life schedule and plot bunnies.

2) Ladies, gentlemen and others! We have a plot! Not just year to year, but, 'bigger picture' sort of plot. I had a massive epiphany over this.

3) Development of headcanon. Smaller details about Bleach we never find out about had to be worked into the plot. Research into the finer details of the Potterverse was also entailed.

4) Patronus forms and memories have already been decided.

5) The Zanpakuto Rebellion Arc is canon. This is how it works:

Ichigo trains with the Vizards and masters his inner hollow. Instead of being limited to 11seconds(a stupid and pointless time limit that is played up to be really important for about five episodes then never mentioned again), he gets his mask time up to 1 minute and 24 seconds. Grimmjow still beats him up before Shinji shows up, but he does more damage to Grimmjow than just one burn scar. Tosen cuts Grimmjow's arm like in canon but Hollow and Arrancar activity in the Living World is curbed to let Aizen adjust his plans a little bit. Zanpakuto Rebellion Arc happens. Afterwards, canon continues as normal.

6) The truth about Ichigo's heritage and Zangetsu will be revealed.

7) Zero Squad will be mentioned; in regards to my headcanon Mayuri back story.

8) The Blood War Arc will not happen.

9) For those of you who haven't noticed, Aizen is actually dead.

Announcements over. You know, I'm rather disappointed that nobody pointed out that I deliberately didn't mention or introduce one of the zanpakuto. That aside, the Ministry bit at the beginning had to be there, because the Wizarding World is corrupt and racist and otherwise the arrancar would be thrown out at the end of Third Year.

Now, an omake of an alternate ending to this chapter. Crack.

Starrk: If it's like a hollow, shouldn't we be able to eat it? Hey, Ulquiorra, go ahead and eat it!

Ulquiorra: Why me?

Harribel: You have the best analytical powers here.

Lilynette: Plus you're an emo who creeps everyone out.

Apacci: That too.

(Ulquiorra eats the dementor, but human souls suddenly appear.)

Mila Rose(lunging forward): Free food!

Harribel(dragging her back): They're human souls. We eat them and the Soul Society will come down on our heads like a ton of bricks.

Apacci: What are they thinking? It'll take more than some measly bricks to stop us!

Sun-Sung: It's an expression, idiot.

Human soul 1: Um, is this the Hogwarts Express?

Human soul 2: Yeah, where did Azkaban go?

Human soul 34: Who cares? We're ghosts! I'm going to be a poltergeist and haunt old Crouch! That'll teach him to lock me up! Bwahahahaa-urk!

Lilynette (putting a cero through the ghost's head): Shut up! You're all annoying!

Starrk: Was that really necessary?

Lilynette: Hey, it was getting crowded.

Tesla: What's that red glow outside?

Ulquiorra: The Gates of Hell.

Mila Rose: Were those capital letters really needed?

Sun-Sung (looking out the window and paling): Yes. Yes they were.

Apacci: Why would the Gates of Hell be here?

Ulquiorra: They use dementors to eat the souls of criminals as an execution method. This prevented the souls from going to Hell. When I ate the dementor, the souls were released and when Lilynette killed human soul 34, it was judged unworthy so the Gates of Hell appeared.

Human souls 1-33 & 35: Wait, what? Hell exists?

Starrk: So basically it's Lilynette's fault.

Ulquiorra: Pretty much.

Lilynette: Oi!

Tesla: Is it getting windy in here, or is it just me?

Ulquiorra: If a soul tries to escape, the Gates of Hell will often employ a strong wind to suck it back in. Since human soul 34 is still stuck inside this carriage...'

Starrk: It's going to keep up this wind until the whole train is sucked in.

Tesla: Permission to assume the foetal position and have a nervous breakdown.

Harribel: Granted.

Ulquiorra: Then there's the giant sword that comes out of the Gates of Hell to impale the escaping soul.

Harribel: So a giant sword is going to impale the train any minute.

Starrk: Right. Lilynette, you're grounded. Tesla, oh wait, scratch that, girls; help me throw all these human souls out the window.

Mila Rose: Genius.

Ulquiorra: Thank you. I try.