Author's Note: This is the story behind: 'The last month of my first pregnancy was hard. Tobias doubted himself more than ever. He lived in fear of what was coming.' in the EHS epilogue. This story can probably be read without having read EHS though.

I'd like to be done with these one-shots. I had some others in mind, but I really want to work on a whole new story. If you have an EHS one-shot request, please voice it now. I make no promises, but if the idea intrigues me, I'll message you. Opinions? Feel free to leave thoughts in a review or private message.

Anyways, enjoy this one. It was hard to write…
-GerdyGertha

His Fear

An Erudite High School One-Shot

Friday, November 21, 4206

The thirty day mark before my due date was one of the scariest days of my life. That day, the love of my life almost walked out on me. On us.

It had been a calm morning, peaceful as I watched him sleep. Slowly over time since his coma, I began to fall back in love with his calm sleep. I loved seeing him completely calm, shut off – purely Tobias. But, the combination of the sun streaming in and his body heat made it just too hot. I began to move away when strong arms held me tighter.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked groggily.

I laughed lightly while I watched him try to open his sleep-sealed eyes. "It's too warm in here."

"It's November, you should be happy you're warm," he said, as he finally pried open his lids and exposed the dark blue eyes that I love.

"Do you know what is special about today?" I asked. He frowned and I watched him go through a mental list in his head. He finally came up empty and shook his head. "One month left," I said smiling. My hand involuntarily rubbed against my huge belly and I found myself smiling.

I looked up to see Tobias with furrowed eyebrows and an expression I couldn't quite define. "One month?" he asked. I nodded and smiled, but he didn't return it.

"What's wrong?" His lips formed a straight line while he decided whether or not to answer me. "Tobias?"

"It's nothing," he said with a sigh.

I shook my head. I didn't believe him for a second. In fact, I'd been waiting for this conversation for eight months - but I never expected it to turn out the way it did. "Tell me what's wrong."

Tobias looked down at my large belly. "Can I ask you something and get an honest answer?"

"Of course you can," I said, becoming increasingly worried.

"What if I don't love him?"

I felt my heart pick up double time as his words sunk in. "What are you talking about?"

"What if he's born and I don't love him?"

The furrow between Tobias' eyebrows grew deeper, as I am sure mine did too. "Why would you ask me something like that?"

"I'm sorry."

"You do love him," I stated, but I didn't sound sure. "You do love him," I said again, trying to make it sound more factual than I did at first.

"I love him now," Tobias said. Relief flooded through me, but he wasn't finished. "But what if when he's born I don't love him anymore?"

"Tobias, what has gotten into you? Of course you'll still love him."

Tobias looked down. "But what if I don't?"

"What's going on, really?"

His dark blue eyes met mine and they were unreadable. "What if I stop loving him and then I hurt him?"

A brick dropped on my chest. I felt a bit stupid for not understanding immediately what the conversation was really about. "You won't ever hurt him. Or me."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you love us," I said. I grabbed his hand and rested it on my belly. "You love us and you'd never do anything to hurt us."

He paused before he took his hand away, effectively breaking my heart in half. "Is loving you enough?"

"What are you saying, Tobias?"

He looked at me for full minute before he took a deep breath and shook his head. "Never mind, I'm sorry." After that, he stood up from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"To shower," he said flatly while he grabbed some clothes from the dresser.

"We should talk about this more, Tobias." My worry tripled as he walked towards the bathroom. It was very unlike him to just end a conversation like that; to continue on with the day like the whole ordeal never happened.

"There's nothing more to say," he said plainly as he shut himself into the bathroom. I fell back on the bed with a frustrated, confused grunt.

After I had showered too, I walked into the kitchen. I found Tobias sitting on a stool at the island counter sipping a steaming cup of coffee.

I was too warm before, but now my robe, made too short by my pregnant belly, left my legs exposed and cold. I went to the coffee pot and poured myself a cup before I stood facing Tobias.

As soon as I stood in front of him, he raised the newspaper up, and ignored my expectant stare.

"Seriously?" I asked, disbelieving his childish attitude.

"The mayor is going to repave seventh street," Tobias said. "It's about time. That road is terrible."

"Tobias."

"The football team lost to Atlanta," he said, shaking his head slightly. "Good thing I didn't go to that game."

"Tobias, stop."

He put the newspaper down and stared. "What?"

"I want to talk."

"There's nothing to say, Tris," he said with a forced relaxed smile. "How does some breakfast sound?" I stood dumbfounded and completely confused as I watched him walk over to the fridge.

"Are you really going to pretend that there isn't anything going on?"

"There isn't anything going on," he said while looking in the fridge. "I think eggs sound good."

"That's not healthy," I said.

"Eggs have a lot of protein," he said, holding the carton.

"Not the damn eggs, Tobias! Bottling up your feelings!"

"Oh… Good thing I'm not doing that." I groaned in frustration while he shrugged and turned back to the fridge.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Me? I'm fine, Tris," he said, smiling.

"Wipe that damn smile off your face and talk to me!"

"What do you want to talk about? How do you want your eggs?"

"I don't want eggs, Tobias!" My frustration level went from mildly annoyed to pissed off in about five seconds.

"Scrambled then," he shrugged.

I needed to calm down, so I left the kitchen. I went into our bedroom and dressed for the day in some comfortable clothes. Tobias had the day off and neither of us had anything to do, so it was a good day to just relax in some sweatpants. Relax. Ha. Apparently not today.

I returned to the kitchen, still very annoyed, but the urge to pull my hair out had subsided. "Tell me what's going on."

"The eggs are done."

"You're afraid you won't love our baby?"

"I made toast too."

"You're afraid you'll hurt us?"

"Can you grab the butter?" I stayed where I stood leaned against the counter. Tobias just shrugged and retrieved the butter himself.

"I know you. I know you get a thought in your head and it spirals. Whatever you're so scared of, it's not real. Nothing like that will ever happen." He ignored me and grabbed two plates from the cupboard. "You're not the kind of man that would ever hurt the people you love."

Tobias set the plates down and put some eggs and toast on each. "Here," he said while he held my plate out to me. I just stared at him with my arms crossed. He shrugged, set my plate on the counter next to me, and then went to the island to eat his own breakfast.

I waited for him to say something, but it became apparent that he wasn't going to speak. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"You should eat before it gets cold," he said, not looking up. I sat down next to him at the island and stared at him. "You're making me uncomfortable," he said, shifting in his seat.

"You're making me angry and worried and scared. I win."

He sighed and finally looked up. "Why?"

I groaned loudly. "Because you won't discuss this with me!"

His eyes left mine and he resumed eating. "You should really eat, Tris. If not for you or me, then for the baby."

He had a point. "If you answer one question, I will eat."

I watched him weigh his options for a moment. "Fine."

I went over to the counter and grabbed my plate before I sat down next to him again. "What are you afraid of?"

His eyebrows furrowed slightly and he looked troubled. "The pain."

That answer surprised me. "What?"

"You only get one question," he said. "Eat."

I picked up my fork, took one bite, and set it back down. "Okay, again." Tobias sighed. "What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid of your pain. I don't want to see it. I'm the reason you'll have it, and that kills me."

My heart ripped in two for him. I placed my hand gently on his arm. "Tobias, everything we will go through will be worth it. There's going to be pain, but we'll have our baby." He shook his head and didn't meet my eyes. "What else?"

He looked at me expectantly and I took a bite of my eggs. "I'm scared that he won't love me."

"How can you think that?" I asked after taking another bite.

"Sometimes kids don't love their dads."

I knew that he wasn't talking about some random child somewhere, he was talking about himself. The damage Marcus Eaton caused will forever and always hurt Tobias - no matter how much time or distance is between them. I hate Marcus Eaton. "Some dads are abusers of the term 'dad.' I know you're not."

"How do you know that? I'm not a dad yet."

A smile appeared on my face as I thought of all the dad-things he had done. "Were you not a dad when you helped create him? Were you not his dad when you held my hair when I got sick? Are you not his dad when you talk to him when you think I'm asleep?" A surprised look flashed across Tobias' face and my smile grew. "Were you not his dad when you spent four hours putting his furniture together? Were you not his dad when you came home with that tiny blue onesie with the trucks on it? Are you not his dad by making sure I eat?"

"Those things don't count," Tobias said, shaking his head.

"Yes they do. Just because he can't see them, doesn't mean they don't matter to him."

Tobias looked pained and like he wanted to say something, but right before my eyes, he shut it off. He bottled whatever he had up and locked it away. I frowned as I watched his expression turn neutral again. It's a fascinating and painful thing to witness. "I'm done eating." He stood up and set his plate in the sink. I stood up, grabbed my toast, and blocked his way from leaving the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

"I want another question." Tobias sighed but nodded. "What else are you afraid of?"

His eyes searched mine, as if the answer lay there. "That I won't love him once he's here."

"Impossible."

"What if he gets here and I can't stand the crying? Or I am too tired to care? What if I don't like holding him?" The fear he felt rang out clearly as his voice rose in volume with every hard question he asked.

His fears seemed so unrealistic to me, but I couldn't simply brush them away because they were too real for him, and that scared me. The panic on his face worried me to the point of having tears in my eyes. "I'm not telling you that it's going to be easy, because it won't be. But if I know anything, it's that you love him. The crying will kill us both, but we have to push through and help him. You could never be too tired to care. As for holding him," I took his hand and rested it on my belly as I had earlier that morning, "you already do, all the time."

He looked at me, then down to our hands, then back up and shook his head. "It's not the same."

"Yes it is. Once he's here, you'll just know."

"That's what everybody says," Tobias said. "But they didn't know my father. I doubt he ever held me."

"That's different, Tobias."

"How is it different?"

"You're not your father."

"You can't know that right now."

"Yes I can. I know you in ways you don't know yourself. I see the good when you only see the bad."

"I love you, Tris, but I can't risk hurting you. I'm sorry." Panic flowed through my veins at his sudden change of expression - worried and insecure turned into a look of guilt. Guilty for what? "Excuse me," he said before he carefully stepped around me.

He walked across the room towards the front door. "Where are you going?"

"I think it would just be better for both of you if I wasn't here."

The world's heaviest weight dropped directly onto my chest. "What?"

He walked to the mat that held our shoes and put on his. "I want you to be safe, and the safest place for you is far away from me."

I moved as quickly as I could to stand between him and the door. His calm, yet pained expression scared me more than I'd ever been scared. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm going to go away. I'll stay in a hotel or something, you stay here."

My chest tightened with every word he spoke. "No!"

"I can't do this anymore," he said. He grabbed my trembling hands in his. "I'm sorry, Tris."

"No!" I dropped his hands and stood firm blocking the door. "You can't do what anymore?"

"I can't pretend like this," he gestured to my belly between us, "isn't scaring the shit out of me!"

"What?" I stared at him, my panic reflecting his. "You love him," I said quietly.

"I do love him, but I'm also scared of him."

I shook my head. "No, you're just scared of the unknown. I'm scared too, Tobias. We have to do this together!"

"I'm sorry, Tris. I really need to go. You'll both be better off without me."

"Stop it, Tobias!" I yelled. "You don't get to decide this!"

"As long as I am here, you're both in danger, Tris! A switch could flip and I could be him!"

"No!" I screamed at him. "That's not how it works! You don't get to just leave me!"

"I'm sorry," Tobias said, shaking his head. He moved closer to the door. "I'm so sorry. Please just let me go."

I looked straight into his watery eyes as the tears ran out of mine. "No."

"Tris, please.'

"No."

"It has to be this way."

"No! You have it in your head that you're some kind of monster, but you aren't!"

"Tris, move," Tobias said, becoming frustrated. "This would be so much easier if you just let me go."

"Easier for who? I need you! We need you!"

"No you don't. You're better off without me."

"He needs his father, Tobias!" Tobias shook his head and I forcefully grabbed his hand. I put it to my belly where I felt the baby kicking. "Can you feel that?"

I watched Tobias' expression change into one of amazement and love, but it was gone as quickly as it came. "No."

"Don't you dare lie to me."

He took his hand away. "Move, Tris."

"No."

"Move, Tris! Let me go!" Tobias yelled.

I shut my eyes and shook my head. "August tenth," I said quietly. Our wedding date.

I opened my eyes and saw his face. His anger had lessened and he stood looking sad, guilty, pained. "That's not fair," he said.

"You promised me."

He shook his head. "I promised to never hurt you, and this is me keeping that promise. Please move, Tris."

"You're hurting me more by doing this than you ever have or could."

"Tris, please."

"You promised me for better or worse."

"Tris, please move," Tobias said softer, but his will to leave didn't seem to be giving out.

"No."

"I can't stay here."

I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor with my back against the door. "If you want to get through this door, you'll have to pick me up and move me yourself."

"I'm not going to move you, Tris," he sighed.

"Why not?"

"Because I could hurt you."

"So what? You're already hurting me, what's a little more?" I asked flatly.

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?" I challenged.

"Because I love you."

"Move me."

"No!"

"Are you angry?"

"Yes, Tris. I am angry. Move."

"No."

"Really, Tris? What are you doing?"

"Sitting," I shrugged.

"Move!" he demanded loudly.

"No!" I screamed at him.

"Fuck, Tris," he said through clenched teeth. "Move!"

"Move me yourself!" I yelled, matching his volume and not daring to back down.

"No!"

"So, we have a problem," I pointed out. "You are angry, and you just need to get out of here. But the only way to get what you want could cause me or our baby harm, and you love us so you won't do that."

I look at him expectantly. "Yes, I know that. Please move."

"So you'd never hurt us because you love us?"

"No."

"Even when you're angry?"

"No. Never."

I nodded and let that sink in. "So what exactly are you afraid of?"