A/N: You can blame Kelli Giddish for this one-shot! If you want to put it in SVU real time put it a couple of months after 15x9 but before the end of Season 15. As always they're not mine I just borrow them to play with them. And it was started before 17x1 – so there are no intentional real time references – the writers must be hacking my computer (I joke!) As always none of them belong to me – they belong to Dick and NBC.
The smell of stale smoke in the air spoke to the age of the bar. Olivia didn't care about her surrounds right now. She was there to escape; the exact reason she hadn't gone to a cop bar, too many familiar faces.
The barman turned and limped towards her as she took in her surrounds. A man and woman sat at the end of the bar, three old men sat around a table playing cards and in one of the 4 booths two women sat opposite each other talking.
"Whisky, neat, please."
"Sure thing."
Olivia settled on one of the bar stools. It was far from comfortable but she didn't want comfort. It had been a horrific week and she just wanted to forget.
"Bad day?"
Olivia sighed inwardly afraid that this was going to be the pattern for the evening and she was going to have to make small talk with a man she didn't know because she felt obliged.
"Bad week?"
Olivia shook her head.
"Want to talk about it?"
Olivia looked up and made eye contact with the barman for the first time.
"No not really."
"Ok."
Olivia was relieved. This man obviously had experience of knowing when to leave people to wallow.
A shout went up from the corner as the youngest of the three octogenarians won his hand. Olivia's nerves were rattled and she jumped slightly at the shout. Exhaling slowly she took the first sip of the amber liquid, feeling it burn her throat, relishing the heat. Olivia closed her eyes, flashes of the week playing through her mind; the steely glare of their killer, the small cold hand of the dead child she tried in vain to resuscitate, the tears she shed silently alone at night. She was jolted back to reality by a hand on her lower back. She turned almost knocking the owner off balance as she grabbed the small wrist.
"Whoa, I'm not in the mood for a trip to the ER tonight."
Olivia released Amanda's wrist and turned back towards the bar. "Sorry." The voice was so quiet Amanda barely heard the apology.
"Don't be. Next time I won't be so gentle in my reaction." The blonde took a seat on the stool beside her Seargent.
Olivia smiled a wan smile, her eyes staring into the glass on the sticky counter top.
"To be fair when someone sneaks up on me in a bar I'm going to assume the worst."
"What that someone is going to offer to buy you a drink?" Amanda motioned to the barman and he deposited two glasses in front of them a minute later.
"No that someone is going to try and chat me up, want to talk, try and talk me into bed and then wonder why I don't want to and what's wrong with me?"
"Wow some weird people come up to you in bars."
Olivia looked to her right and met the blue eyes that were starting at her, a reassuring smile gracing glossed lips.
"I don't go out much anymore."
"After a week like that I had no intention of going home. This doesn't seem like your normal haunt?"
"Didn't want to see any familiar faces."
"Bad luck."
"Not so much. Sorry Rollins I'm not much company at the moment."
"Neither am I."
"Amanda, you want the game on?" the barman hollered from the other end of the bar.
"No thanks Stan."
"You come here often?" Olivia asked curious how the barman was so familiar with the detective and her predilection for basketball.
"Stan is ex-APD."
Olivia realised now why the man behind the bar seemed to have a knack for knowing when to back off. "That explains it."
"Explains what?"
"He just… well he just knows." Amanda nodded understanding what the other woman meant.
"Yeah it's usually why I come here. Listen if you want to be alone…"
"No it's ok, stay… please. Olivia realised she wasn't in the mood to be alone anymore. She thought it was what was required to get her through the rest of the night; talking to Amanda she realised being alone might actually do more harm than good. The younger detective recognised the need in her colleagues voice and reached for her hand, squeezing gently. She didn't have time to second guess herself and the little smile she garnered from Olivia made her realise her first instincts were still almost always right. She'd been questioning a lot of late so she was relieved her most basic impulses were still right. Amanda realised in all her thinking she'd forgotten to let go of the hand holding hers. She could see the same reluctance in the brunette's eyes to let go. She held the brown eyes staring at hers and stood intertwining the fingers of the warm hand still in hers.
"I need a more comfortable seat. My place is a mess but there's space on the couch. Nightcap?"
Olivia nodded. She had no idea why she was agreeing. She and Rollins weren't exactly best buddies. All she knew as right now was she needed company and Amanda was offering.
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Closing the door Olivia watched the blonde make her way into the kitchenette, sorting through the mail she had picked up on the way in. The apartment was just as she remembered it, only more sparsely furnished. She remembered what Amanda had said about Kim stealing stuff when she left but she was surprised she hadn't managed to replaced more of it by now. Amanda followed Olivia's gaze around the small space.
"I know it's not much but it's home."
"You need to take a day off and go shopping."
"You're probably right. I may have to move soon though so no point in leaving myself with more stuff to carry."
"Rent going up?"
Amanda didn't really answer the question, instead she began to list off the drink options to her guest.
"Beer is fine Rollins"
She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and placed it on the sideboard, grabbing a carton of orange juice and a bottle of beer from the fridge, pouring a glass of juice for herself and making her way into the living area.
"Here you go", she handed the bottle to Olivia and took a sip of the juice before sitting down.
They were quiet for a minute, both trying to garner the others reaction to being in such an unusual situation. However, both women realised quickly that there was comfort and companionship, even in silence, once it was shared.
"Have you been sleeping?" It was an odd question for Amanda to ask but Olivia knew why she was asking. She'd been jumpy since Lewis and the bags under her eyes couldn't be concealed with even the heaviest make-up.
"Honestly? Therapy is helping a bit. But the smallest noise in the dead of the night has me reaching for my gun."
"I can't… I mean I don't know what to say."
"You don't need to say anything Rollins, it's ok. You're not my therapist."
"I know but we do this every day."
"Not with people we know though, that's the difference."
"I know but…" Amanda began fiddling with the hem of her lilac shirt, flicking the last button in the row open, a white tank underneath providing some warmth from the chilly Spring air.
Olivia reached for the hand that had reached for hers earlier and squeezed it gently. "We're all doing the best we can, sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not. In between we just muddle through."
"Very prophetic."
"Yeah I think I read it on Facebook. It was probably attributed to Roosevelt or something."
Amanda laughed and met the deep brown eyes watching her." Her cheeks coloured slightly as Olivia's gaze remained on her, unwavering.
"Can I ask you something Rollins?"
Amanda simply nodded.
"Why did you ask me back here?"
A small voice in Amanda's head screamed at her to lie, but she'd learned over the past few years Olivia Benson was not a woman she could lie to, at least not for long."
"I'm lonely", she stated simply.
Olivia nodded and ran her fingers up the bare part of Amanda's forearm.
"This job does that to you. Don't let it."
Amanda moved to close the gap between them, taking the hand that was stroking her arm and guiding it to her hip as she placed her hand on her Seargent's lower back, holding her stare as she leaned in claiming her lips in a soft kiss, moaning as the other woman pulled her closer, moving the hand on her hip to her neck, deepening the kiss. The kiss became more intense as both women allowed their hands to roam, grazing over exposed skin.
Olivia broke away first to catch her breath. "Fuck"; she muttered it quietly thinking Rollins wouldn't hear, but she was far to close not to.
"Sorry, God I don't know what I was thinking. I should… no I can't leave I live here."
Her confusion made them both laugh.
Olivia took the blonde's hand stroking her knuckles with her thumb as she sat forward on the sofa.
"What are we doing?"
"Forgetting the loneliness for a bit?" The hint of sadness in Amanda's voice caught Olivia off guard as she sat back slightly pulling the blonde into a hug.
"I can live with that if you can?"
Amanda nodded into the brunette's neck as she felt the taller woman begin to stand, their hand still joined.
"I'm gona lose my nerve if we don't move soon, I'm out of practice."
Amanda smiled at the vulnerable side to the usual kickass Seargent Benson she was used to.
"You don't forget how, you know that right?", she teased as they moved towards her bedroom. Nerves were getting the better or her now, so she reverted to her default mode when she was in over her head, joking.
"If you knew how long it's been…." Olivia's voice trailed off and Amanda stopped them just before the reached the bedroom door.
"If you don't want to do this, don't feel safe, want to stop, need to walk out right now, you know you can right? No questions asked."
The sincerity in the smaller woman's voice overwhelmed Olivia. She leaned in to claim her lips again, pushing her backwards gently. "You're a good person Rollins, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise" she said as Amanda opened the door behind them. The kiss continued as they made their way towards Amanda's messy bed. She hadn't been there for more than 8 hours over the last few weeks so making her bed was not high on her list of priorities. She turned them so Olivia reached the bed first and pressed on the taller woman's shoulders forcing her to sit on the bed.
"Before this goes any further I need to tell you something and I need you to be ok with it."
Olivia was suddenly scared. Amanda saw the fleeting look in her eyes and made to reassure her straight away. "It's nothing bad… Well not… I mean it depends on what you…"
"Rollins, take a breath."
Amanda did as instructed and looked down at the woman sitting in front of her, inches away from the secret she was hiding. She decided the easiest thing to do was show her. Unbuttoning her shirt half way and lifting the tank top part way, she waited for a response from Olivia. None came. Instead she felt a soft kiss on her now slightly round tummy, as Olivia met her eyes, which were shimmering with tears.
"Does he know?"
Amanda shook her head, biting her lip to stop the tears from falling.
Olivia stood kissing the blonde's temple. "He doesn't deserve you. We're here, we can help you."
Amanda felt arms wrap around her and she relaxed into the embrace. She placed a kiss on the top of Olivia's head and then cupped her cheek as she leaned down to kiss her lips. "You still want to do this?" Olivia inquired quietly against her stomach.
Amanda smiled as she looked at Olivia's cheek resting on her small bump.
"Yes, more than anything."
Olivia placed a tender kiss on Amanda's stomach before moving her hands and opening the remaining buttons on her shirt. Standing she took the tank top with her lifting it over Amanda's head. Claiming her lips in a bruising kiss Olivia turned them so Amanda was at the beds edge, pushing gently on her shoulders as other woman had done minutes earlier so she was sitting in front of her. Reaching down she unclasped the simple lace white bra that Amanda was wearing, bending so she could kiss her and guide her to lie down at the same time. Discarding her own shirt and bra she joined the blonde on the bed, both moving so that they were laying side by side.
"Well my imagination never did you justice" the younger detective admitted.
Olivia blushed. "I could say the same." The brunette moved so that she was in closer proximity to the detective and stroked her fingertips up and down her bare side. Kissing her gently she kept her eyes open to watch for any reaction as she moved her hand in to open the fly on her black jeans. A small gasp against her lips was all she felt. She began to push the offending item off her hips and down, Amanda finished the job using her feet and kicking them onto the floor. She shivered slightly and felt strong arms around her immediately as Olivia held her close.
"Please touch me soon Liv, I need you" The words were spoken against the soft skin of Olivia's neck and they caused a moan to escape her lips. Doing as requested, she ghosted her hand down over the blonde's ribs, in over her rounded stomach and down to the vee between her legs. Using two fingers Olivia parted wet swollen lips, lowering her head to a hardened nipple at the same time.
Amanda's hands were immediately in her hair, holding tight as Olivia glided her index and ring finger through building wetness. The blonde pushed her hips forward, lifting her leg to rest on Olivia's still trouser clad one, urging her on to move her fingers lower. Olivia took the hint and entered the now groaning woman with one finger to see if she was ready. Olivia grazed Amanda's nipple with her teeth as she realised she was more than ready. Slipping out of the blonde she moved up so she could look into those bright blue eyes as she entered her again with two fingers.
"Fuck yes…" Amanda hissed "harder please"
Olivia was cautious, not wanting to hurt her but Amanda's simple reassured her "I won't break Liv."
Olivia smiled as she reclaimed the blonde's lips and sped up the movement of her fingers, Amanda's hips pushing as far as she could, her clit twitching with need to be touched. Olivia finally gave in, covering the small bud with her thumb, circling quickly as she felt Amanda's walls begin to spasm around her fingers. The orgasm hit the smaller woman hard and fast and she shook hard in her lover's arms as she came, gushing wetness all over Olivia's fingers, biting down gently on her shoulder to stop herself from screaming out.
Olivia held her tight, not letting go until Amanda was ready to move. Amanda kissed her deeply, breaking only for air.
"Fuck, that was… I've never come like that."
"I'll take that as a compliment," Olivia joked "but they say it's different when you're pregnant. The hormones affect everything."
"That was nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with your amazing fingers" Amanda smiled as she wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck.
"I can't even explain…" there was a hint of emotion in her voice; Olivia moved to reassure her with a kiss.
"I'm here. I'll be here. It's ok."
Amanda was overwhelmed as she shed a tear "Ok this is hormones" she joked, her voice shaky.
Olivia wrapped her into a hug for a moment, and then sat up, discarding her jeans and pulling the comforter from the end of the bed. Wrapping it around them both she began to stroke the long blonde locks through her fingers as she kissed the tears away and spoke quietly.
"You must be scared as hell sweetheart. But I promise you we've got this." Olivia's hand rested on Amanda's bump and she stroked it gently. "You hear that little one? We've got this. Your Mum and me and all her friends, we've got you both"
Amanda buried her head into Olivia's neck "Thank you."
"There is no need for thank you."
"Still."
"You say it again and I'm gona have to put you on nights for the foreseeable."
"If it's just you and me and we can do this again I'm not gona object."
Olivia laughed as she felt the blonde's breathing slow down. "Trust you."
"On your desk." Amanda muttered as sleep took over.
Olivia continued to laugh as she heard a small snore from the woman in her arms.
"Sweet dreams" – she spoke quietly as she kissed the top of the blonde's head.
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A/N: I've been writing that one for a few weeks but I couldn't publish it because of a new job. Hope you enjoyed. When I get some more time I'll give another one a go!