The Perfect Soldier... Perfected?
by KatsyKat
Heero listened as the voice in his earpiece confirmed that Relena had five minutes left in her speech. His simple reply, "Roger that." was his only acknowledgment as he raised his sunglass-covered eyes to study the Vice-Foreign Minister and her surroundings.
She stood alone on a large stage in front of a rather small-looking podium. A few hundred spectators watched her as she gazed across the crowd in her customary manner, somehow making each person feel as if she was staring directly at them. Her face bore her trademark determined expression to match the severity she was trying to convey in her speech. Her hair was down and her clothes were business casual, in lieu of her uniform, which Heero understood meant that she was trying to be more personable to the crowd.
A loud roar of applause met the end of Relena's speech and she smiled accordingly. Taking a final sip from the glass of water on her podium she graciously bobbed her head and took her leave. Seeming unaware of the unrelenting applause that continued to ring throughout the auditorium long after her speech was finished, she turned to walk towards Heero, who was waiting, just off-stage, in the wings. Heero scanned the crowd for the last of countless times and, deciding there was no threat, allowed the Vice-Foreign Minister to make the trip alone.
Years ago, he had made the mistake of rushing out after her speech and escorting her off of the stage. She had politely, but pointedly, explained to Heero that not only was she quite capable of walking across the stage, but it made the wrong impression to be escorted so short a distance. After a rather intense 45 minute lecture (taking the entire span of their shuttle ride) Heero had grudgingly conceded her point.
As soon as Relena stepped into the cooling shadows off-stage she allowed her shoulders to sag slightly. Sky-blue eyes met cobalt as she gave Heero a tired smile. He nodded at her, wondering again at the strange feeling as if he'd just forgotten something that passed over him whenever she was near. Knowing that was as much of a response as she would get from the stoic man; Relena walked past Heero as he took up his customary position just behind her.
As they reached the exit, three more men in black suits with identical sunglass and earpieces joined them. They surrounded Relena as they pushed through the squabbling press on to their next destination.
Heero knew that Relena thought the reason he had taken the job she offered him after the war was because he wanted to protect her and, through her, protect the peace that he had fought so hard to achieve. That may be true, but as much as he hated to admit, it wasn't his primary objective.
If he were truthful with himself, Heero knew that he much preferred piloting a mobile suit and sabotaging OZ bases. He, and maybe he alone, understood Wufei's need the join MarieMai's army to search for the true meaning of peace to those born and raised to be soldiers in combat. He and Wufei were alike in that aspect. Neither had anyone, anything, to live for in this peaceful era.
However, Wufei had found his purpose, and so Heero struggled to find his. After all, during the war, protecting Relena had been first an annoyance, then a mission and now… Why shouldn't it be the same now?
Three years had passed since MarieMai had inflicted her terror upon the world. Three years, he had protected Relena and tried to live in a world without war. Others around him had found happiness. For example, it was common knowledge that Zechs and Noin had run off to Mars. Wufei seemed content working as a Peventor along with his partner Sally Poe. And although nothing was confirmed by either party, the general consensus was put best by Duo, "Once that China Man pulls his head out of his ass enough to see that she's the best he'll ever get – it'll only be a matter of time."
Quatre and Trowa had publicly announced their love and engagement only a few short months ago. Homosexuality was certainly more accepted these days than before the colonies were built, however, there was still a literal media circus around the Winner estate for the first few days; most focusing on the fact that the handsome heir to the Winner fortune was no longer a bachelor to be claimed.
And last, but certainly not least, Duo lived on L2. To Heero's knowledge, he was the only one who really took the time to visit the others. He had always seemed carefree to Heero, even in their darkest times during the war, and was no less now. He was managing a salvage yard with Hilde. Heero sometimes wondered, but would never ask, why Duo didn't put a ring on that girl's finger.
Despite the happiness surrounding him, Heero just couldn't let himself forget about the implications of the past war and possibilities of a future reoccurrence. As much as he tried not to, he was always preparing himself to do battle. Last month he sat down at his laptop to research the specs for a new hall that Relena would be giving a speech and found himself digitally customizing his side arm in such a way that would allow him to reload four/tenths of a second faster. When he went to the gym to work out, he found himself studying a new form of hand-to-hand combat.
The foreboding was at it's worst when he was around Relena. He knew that she had feelings for him. They were as plain as day to anyone. Over the years she had become more professional about it, but the feelings were still there. He could tell. He tried to convince himself that he was being given a great honor, being the object of her affections, but something wouldn't allow him to accept them.
Heero slid into the limousine next to Relena, watching as she dozed off to catch a nap in between speeches. She really was a beautiful person, inside and out. He truly did admire and respect her. He wondered, not for the first time, why he couldn't return her feelings. It seemed like the easiest thing in the world to love someone, yet he found himself unable to do it. Was he missing something?
Later that night, after the meetings and dinner, Heero saw Relena to her room, accepted her thanks with his customary nod goodnight, and returned to his own quarters. He was surprised to find his laptop blinking. A cold sweat covered him as he realized that it was a message from Dr. J.
Heero resisted the urge to look again at the piece of paper in his pocket. On it he had scribbled the directions given to him from Doctor J. He had long since memorized them, but in memorizing them, had realized where they led. It was the lab he had been 'trained' in on the L1 colony. Heero paused only a moment, looking around the deserted street before disappearing into an ordinary-looking alleyway. Forcibly pushing aside the large dumpster he stood in front of a door painted to look like the wall around it. Heero knocked three times, slowly and deliberately.
After a moment, Dr. J opened the solid steel door and let Heero in. Switfly he turned to lock several mechanisms and only then did he acknowledge Heero. "Heero-my boy! I see you're doing well for yourself these days!" he cackled.
Heero crossed his arms.
The doctor sighed. "Still not one for formalities, eh Heero?" he shook his head. "I wish I could say that surprised me."
Heero's eyes darkened dangerously, but he gave no other sign of impatience, content to let the doctor work himself up to tell him what was so important that he called him here to say it.
Doctor J sat down heavily into one of the several chairs. "It wasn't easy you know, but it was such an accomplishment! I want you to know that." He looked up at Heero, his machine eyes whirring as they focused on his as yet unmoving form.
Still Heero said nothing. Doctor J sighed, obviously distressed about something. He ran his good hand over his balding head wiping away imaginary sweat. The two passed the next few moments in silence.
Finally Doctor J could no longer hold his peace, "You're not making this very easy." He commented gruffly as he motioned to a chair. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable?"
After another minute of silence the doctor grew impatient, "Oh just sit down, would you! You're like a damned machine standing there staring at me like that."
Heero walked past the chair the Doctor J indicated (a very subtle way, that did not get past Doctor J that he was no longer under 'orders') and sat down on a bench close by.
"How can you be so calm?" the doctor asked. "Don't you care to know why I've called you after three years of peace? What new sort of threat waits on the horizon? What dangers you could face?"
"I assume that you didn't ask me to come out all this way to make me guess." Was Heero's cool reply.
Doctor J's face turned red. For a moment it looked like he would explode until he burst out laughing. "Yes… yes I suppose you're right there. It really was worth all that work!" He said, as he brought his laughter down to a smile and then soon that too disappeared and his somber expression returned.
"I'm an old man now, Heero." He began and then stopped; his metallic hand taping as it did when he was thinking hard about something. "I know my time is short, and I believe that…" He paused again, giving a mild cough to clear his throat. "What I'm trying to say is…" he stopped a third time, laying his good hand over his eyes as if he had a headache.
Heero raised an eyebrow. He had never in all the years seen Doctor J so worked up. Usually he had a cold indifference that Heero himself had modeled after. Other times, and these were the dangerous times, he had a sadistic glee. But never had this nervousness taken over. Even when Barton had turned the project upside down and Doctor J had gone against orders, he never seemed unsure of his actions. This and this alone put Heero on edge.
"Heero, I want you to answer a few questions for me." Doctor J said finally. "Would you answer them? If only to humor an old man." He added quickly.
Heero waited a moment, contemplating. He wasn't sure how to handle this new persona of Doctor J. The old Doctor J would order him to respond. Heero was initially trained to react and react quickly to the sound of Doctor J's voice. He was never given an option, or a choice. It was always a command. After a minute, curiosity got the better of Heero and he finally nodded. Once.
Doctor J resisted the urge to smile and sat back in his chair. After a moment he crossed his legs, giving a false aura of comfort and informality. "Have you found a place for yourself in this new era of peace?" He asked somewhat causally.
Heero frowned, crossing his arms. Already, he didn't like where this was heading. "I have a job protecting the peace of this era." He responded cryptically.
Doctor J nodded as if that were the response he expected. "But have you found true happiness?"
Heero frowned. "Happiness is irrelevant. I am a useful member of society."
"Normal people think happiness is very important."
Heero furrowed his eyebrows briefly before his face settled into his trademark neutral expression. "'Normal' is a meaningless description. Especially of humanity."
Doctor J nodded. He was reacting just as he was suppose to, even after over three years of peace and, in truth, four years of not actively receiving orders. It was textbook. He decided to slightly alter the questioning. "Don't you want to be happy?"
Heero paused. He realized that he was being evaluated. He just didn't know why. If he knew where the Doctor was going, he could decide what responses he should give, but as always Doctor J was as undecipherable as ever. "I repeat: happiness is irrelevant." He said in a deadpan voice.
Doctor J falsified a frown. "Don't you find it odd that you would not care about what the rest of humanity cherishes above all else."
"A society needs to be free before they can decide what they do or do not cherish." Countered Heero.
To this Doctor J let out a loud howl of laughter. "Why, yes my boy! You are perfectly correct. Still the perfect soldier I see. I had to be sure, you know. It would be so much more dangerous otherwise." Suddenly his expression became somber. "Heero I want to ask you something. Your answer will without a doubt be the single most important decision of your life."
He let that statement settle and then stood, slowly pacing the room. "The other doctors and I have kept in contact over the last few years. We've compared notes, so to speak. I've realized… well." Doctor J sighed pausing a moment as he gathered his thoughts. "Would you like to be able to truly accept peace?"
Heero frowned. "I do accept it." He said lowly.
Doctor J nodded. "Of course you do. But what I mean is…" He paused trying to find the right words. "Oh damn it all. You're like talking to a brick wall." He turned and began walking down a long corridor. "Follow me." He commanded as he disappeared around a corner.
Heero hesitated a moment as memories of similar commands and their consequences danced just outside of his conscious memory, but curiosity over the doctors strange behavior got the better of him and he followed, cautiously.
Halfway down the long empty hall, Doctor J tuned to the wall. With a voice command a keypad whirred out of the seemingly seamless wall. After Doctor J entered a code the entire wall in front of him slid open to reveal, what appeared to be a lab of some sorts. In the center of the room there was a single stainless steel slab, with several metal cuffs obviously meant to hold down a person. Around the table were several state-of-the-art monitoring devices. Heero shook off a feeling of nostalgia.
Doctor J smiled. "I see you remember this place."
Heero was about to object, but shadows of memories bearing bright white, masked faces, and erratic beeping caused him to stay silent.
Doctor J motioned him over to a steel desk on the wall. On it sat half a dozen files each at least several inches thick. Doctor J waved his hand over them. "These are your files Heero, or should I say Odin Lowe."
"Odin Lowe?" Heero asked, raising an eyebrow. The name meant nothing to him.
"Well." Doctor J continued. "That at least is the name of the assassin who harbored you for several years and the name you answered to when we… discovered you." Doctor J stopped, but one look at Heero's impassive face caused him to begin speaking once more. "The most fact-supported theory we were able to come up with was that the assassin discovered you sometime around After Colony 182 at the tender age of 2 or 3." He paused, taking in Heero's unreadable expression before he continued.
"That… and so many other things, were deemed unnecessary knowledge for our perfect soldier and were… expunged."
Heero frowned, his blue eyes flashing. "You erased my memories?"
"Well… It wasn't as easy as all that." Doctor J said absently. "It's rather a complicated process… not so much erasing as… rewriting the memories…" He paused as if thinking… "We manipulate the memories so they incorporate themselves differently into the patients psyche. It's actually a very delicate and difficult task to accomplish. Doesn't always work, in fact. We lost two before you." He said calmly; the expression on his face as neutral as if he were discussing the weather.
Something about the doctor's casual indifference to the loss of lives caused anger to build up in Heero. Hot white anger. Heero was unsure if it stemmed from the careless reference to the loss of lives, or the way the doctors had played with his past like gods. Regardless, Heero found it took much self-control not to strike out at the old unsuspecting man.
"Ahh… FINALLY!" The doctor exclaimed. "You've answered my question, at last." His gaze raised from Heero's clenched fists to his expressionless visage. "I've brought you here to offer a way to give it all back." He smiled coldly at Heero, letting the words sink in.
Heero was so angry that it took a few moments for him to see past that and formulate a response. When he finally managed one, he found he could not help demanding what, exactly, the doctor meant.
Doctor J raised his hands palms forward as if to show the angry teen that he was still unarmed. "Now, now. Don't get your hopes up. I'm not promising that – at this point – it will make much of a difference in your life." He turned from Heero to pick up one of several thick files on a table. "Although, neither am I saying that you will ever be the same."
The doctor opened the file and glanced down as if reaffirming his work was still there before he shut the file and set it back down turning to Heero. "In the last few years I've come up with a system that, I believe, could reverse the … I'll use "blocks" for lack of a better word… that COULD reverse the blocks on your memories. In essence you could have your humanity back."
Heero stood perfectly still, his mind reeling. Was this what his problem was? Could it be that he was still being controlled by Doctor J's training? Is that why he couldn't accept Relena's feelings?... couldn't accept the era of peace that everyone else seemed to be making the most of? "What about protecting the peace?"
"What about it?"
"Will I still be able to function normally?"
Doctor J sighed, glancing briefly at his file as if wanting to open it again. "I must be honest, I really don't know. It's quite possible that your memories of a life past will seem like a dream and not make a difference in the world to you. Or that you'll still retain your current abilities and yet be able to appreciate the finer points of humanity. However, it is also possible that your mind will overload and you'll be completely useless on the battlefield."
"What are those chances?" Heero frowned.
"About 30." Doctor J replied as if he were reciting the weather.
"And what happens if another war starts up?" Heero asked crossing his arms.
Doctor J sighed. "I'm trying to be as honest as I can with you. The time could certainly come when one Perfect Soldier could tip the scales. No one, not even you or I, can predict the actions of humanity." The Doctor sat on one of the 2 stainless steel stools in the room. "But that's what makes it so fun, don't you think? Not knowing… What I wonder is, must it be you that maintains a constant vigil over the world and colonies? Must it be you who dedicates his entire life to hiding in the shadows and babysitting humanity? Don't you think you've paid your debt to society already?"
Heero frowned. "If a war broke out, it would take many years to train another. Many lives would be lost."
"Do you have so little faith in your Relena Peacecraft, that you would forgo your life to wait until the day she failed?" Doctor J pressed.
"The day she fails is the day she dies."
"Of course, of course… you and I both know that she is strong enough to win the battle and uphold true peace." Doctor J replied misunderstanding Heero's threat as conviction of her success.
Heero paused. Relena had forgone her life to ensure the happiness of the earth and colonies. But… she had others to protect her. Why shouldn't he take this chance to reclaim what he'd lost in the war? The room remained silent for several minutes as Heero thought about the chance that Doctor J was offering him.
"Fine." He replied coldly, reaching a conclusion in his mind. "Do it."
Doctor J smiled, reminding Heero of the sadistic glee that he had seen in years past, and Heero wondered what he was getting himself into.
Heero awoke feeling slightly achy and mildly dizzy. A white light blinded him momentarily as he cracked open his eyes – causing him to shut them with a groan. The light seemed to pierce his eyelids and he swam briefly in a purple-spotted world of pink. His throat was parched and he discovered his lips were chapped as he opened his mouth to tell Doctor J to dim the lights.
Before he could say anything, he heard the doctor by his side and seconds later he heard a slight 'pop' as his world of pink morphed into comforting darkness.
Waiting a few moments for his eyes to adjust, Heero slowly opened them to find Doctor J undoing the straps that held him to the table. The Doctors eyes were focused in a place far away as he moved machines on wheels away from the table to allow Heero room to get down. The doctor looked almost… dazed. Fortunately, Heero's voice seemed to rouse him out of his musing.
"What's next?" Heero asked, wondering how long the process would take as he sat up not without some effort.
Doctor J shook his head. "That's it. Three days and you're done." His grin, although not as malicious, returned. "Seems almost too easy doesn't it? Years of work undone in a few short days."
Heero shook his head. Three days? He had been here for three days? The last thing he remembered was… sitting down on this very table while the doctor gave him a shot. Heero remained sitting on the table for a moment examining himself. He glanced down at the inside of his elbow to find not just one but several pricks of blood: testimony to the doctor's statement. What the hell had happened in the past three days? He still felt groggy, but other than that – no different than when he had arrived.
He jumped off the table and stretched at length.
"It is completed?" He paused, startled at the tone to his voice. Did his voice just… shake? Then shook his head; he must be imagining things. "I feel no different." He said, glaring at Doctor J.
Doctor J chuckled, his knowing smile remained unchanged. "Don't be so disappointed. I think it's affected you more than you realize, but it may take a few more days to take complete effect." He looked down at his watch and frowned. "Now if you'll excuse me I have other things to tend to." He chuckled as he ushered Heero through the hall and out the door.
"Have a nice life!" was the last words Heero heard as several locks clicked into place on the steel door.
Heero scowled. Taking a deep breath, he looked around. The air tasted like the same old recycled colony air, and nothing looked different. The dingy alley was still dirty. It held no memories for him. As he stepped out into the street, the artificial sunlight briefly stung his eyes reminding him of his rude awaking only moments before.
Could it really have been three days ago that he'd come here?
"Crazy old man." Mumbled Heero as she shoved his hands deep into his pockets and began walking away from the alleyway.
His stomach rumbled voilently. Heero glanced down in disgust. He'd gone days without eating before, you'd think his stomach would realize that. He stepped into the street checking his pockets for some credits when suddenly he heard an extremely loud beeping. He looked up just in time to see a huge bus looming at him – let than 20 yards away!
He stood frozen to the spot. Although adrelin rushed through his veins, he found another force causing him to remain immobile. He couldn't move or yell. All he saw was the bus…
getting closer and closer…
Suddenly, just as the bus would have collided with him, it swerved to the right, it's two tires checking the curb as the driver gave Heero the finger and sped off.
Heero stumbled to the side of the road on shaky legs. His heart was beating loudly in his ears and he was gasping as if he just sprinted a mile, not walked across the street.
"What the hell?" he mumbled, trying to quiet his heartbeat and slow his breathing.
Suddenly a hand clamped down on his shoulder. Heero jumped a mile and brought his fists up, turning to face his attacker. An elderly woman looked at him with concern. "Are you ok, sonny?" she asked.
Heero mumbled a reply and hurried away, ignoring her comment about the youth, their lack of manners, and use of drugs. What was wrong with him? Why did he freeze up like that? Could he have been afraid? Was that what fear felt like?
Heero did not like the idea that he had been frozen in fear. Besides what could he have to be afraid of? Certainly not of dying. The thought had never scared him before. Besides, he argued logically with himself, he would have had plenty of time to jump out of the way of the bus. It hadn't been going that fast.
But then the old lady… Why didn't he hear her coming up on him? He shook his head.
He was less than five minutes out of Doctor J's lab and already he was beginning to regret his decision. He couldn't function normally if he was going to be this jumpy.
Perhaps he just needed a little time to adjust. The thought made him feel a little easier and the tension in his stomach let up a little. That was it – he'd just take a day or two to compose himself and then he'd return to work.
The decision made, he looked down briefly at the changehe had pulled fromhis pocket. He owed Relena a phone call. After all, if it had been a full three days,he was due to return to his position yesterday.
I recently found this story floating around on my computer. I had posted the first chapter – inspired by a fanfiction competition – a LOOOONG time ago, and dropped it when I moved out on my own and had little time for the joys of writing. I must admit, however, now that I've found myself with a little free time (and my muse is still on vacation as far as "Alone" goes – darnit!) I've decided to see where this story goes.
Feedback is appreciated especially since other than a few plot points and character interaction I don't have a clue how I want this to end – or who I want Heero to end up with!