title: patience

note: this is my first, and very likely my last, xxxholic fic. ngl, it was stupidly hard and ironically, this fic rly tried my patience.

"We all wear masks, Watanuki. You do, and so do I." A faint smile curves her lips. She strokes the raised up lines of the mask in her hands, lets the tassels fall past her fingers. "We all show different parts of ourselves to different people. It isn't a lie, though it isn't quite the truth. But there comes a time when we cannot remove our masks, for fear of losing what we believe it has gained us."

The realization hits you like a ton of bricks.

You aren't in love with Himawari. You never were. The mask you wore for her sake, and yours as well, had tricked you into believing that. It made you afraid to lose that nonexistent connection. You feel a slight ache in your chest, a void. A void you thought had been filled.

Something fragile inside you breaks.

...

Two years have passed, and you've since had a much more disturbing epiphany.

...

"How long will you keep him waiting?"

Smoke hangs heavy in the room, stirred sluggishly by the faint breeze. It flows from her parted lips and lit pipe, curling possessively about her elegant fingers. She's sprawled lazily across the hardwood floor, Maru and Moro at her side with fans. The doors to the porch are open to let the sunshine spill in.

The scene isn't unusual for a hot summer's afternoon such as this one.

But her expression is distant as though facing a client. Her eyes are serious and knowing, her smile conspicuously absent. You pause and search her face for any hint about her cryptic comment. You're not surprised when you find nothing.

Finally, you ask, "Keep who waiting?"

Ms. Yuuko turns to stare at the yard, carefully silent. When she looks back at you a few seconds later, her habitual grin is firmly in place. "More booze, Watanuki!" You watch her for a moment then return to the kitchen without comment. At this point, you know better than to ask for an explanation. She'll just pretend not to have heard you.

...

"Good evening." A man sits on your left, a lit cigarette in his hand and a smile on his lips. Wind stirs the crisp night air. Petals fall leisurely from the cherry blossom tree. It's been a while since you were here last. You almost thought he was gone for good. "A question for you, Kimihiro." He turns to you, smile still in place. "How long will you make him wait?"

You stare off into the distance, puzzled.

"Ms. Yuuko asked the same thing... I don't understand, who's waiting for me?" You look over to him, hoping for an answer you know is never going to come, but he's gone. Only faint traces of smoke remain, lingering with the still swirling blossoms.

...

"I don't get it. Who am I keeping waiting?"

Ms. Yuuko simply looks at you, eyes distant and smile faint. "Do you really wish to pay the price to gain information you already possess?"

"…No."

She's leaning against the wall with all the lazy grace of a cat, hair falling perfectly into place. Her kimono trails across the floor like a river and you swear you can almost see the pattern moving. Maru and Moro peek out from behind her with identical empty smiles.

"Good!" Ms. Yuuko cheerfully shoves you towards the door. You stumble and turn to look at her questioningly. "You've got work to do." Her smile takes on a malicious edge as she hands you a slip of purple paper. "Fetch Doumeki and head to that address. Tell them you can help. Oh, and Doumeki will need his bow. Make sure he brings it."

"What?! Why do I need to go pick up that idiot?!"

"If you don't leave soon, it's going to be dark by the time you get back."

"...Fine."

...

You examine the note as you walk, taking in the purple-tinged paper and the rough edges. There's a eerily realistic sketch of a butterfly on the corner of the page. At least the address isn't too far. You're mumbling not-so-quietly about the unfairness of it all when you bump into something tall and fall to the ground. Great. Just what you need.

"You're noisy," Doumeki says tonelessly. "What is it?"

He sticks his hand out towards you. You glare up at him and immediately all the feelings you've been studiously ignoring for the past year bubble to the surface.

You think: Damn, he's attractive. And irritating.

"Shut up." You reply automatically, brushing his hand away a little more harshly than intended as you stand. He doesn't seem to notice. "Ms. Yuuko has a job for us. She said you'll need your bow."

"Hn." Doumeki turns and walks in the direction of the shrine's entrance. He comes back minutes later in casual clothes, bow in hand and quiver slung over his back. You do not think he looks cool and reliable, damnit! Traiterous thoughts. "Where?"

...

When you finally find it after ten minutes of walking, the house is unnervingly normal. Pale blue walls, a nice garden with bright yellow and red flowers. No malicious aura, no eerie noises, no strange weather phenomena. Nothing to indicate a spirit of any kind. You frown at the note in your hand and double check the address.

"This is the place…"

"What's wrong?" Doumeki looks at you, waiting. Ms. Yuuko's words echo in your mind, 'How long will you keep him waiting..?' They ring like bells, clear and sweet, and it feels like you almost have an answer but when you reach out, there's nothing there. Not yet.

You shake your head free of the thought and move closer to the gate. "Nothing's wrong, really. It just... doesn't feel like there's a spirit here."

You ring the doorbell. Footsteps shuffle behind the door before it opens. A tiny girl, no older than ten, peeks her head out the door. "Oh. Hello." You glance at Doumeki. He shrugs, so you crouch down to her eye level. "My name is Watanuki, and that's Doumeki. We were told you needed help."

Her eyes widen, and she demands, "How did you know?"

You chuckle. "Can you keep a secret?" She nods. You lean in close to her and whisper dramatically, "A witch told us." Excitement shines in her eyes for a moment, then disappointment clouds them and she looks down at her feet.

She mumbles, "Mama says I'm not supposed to talk about it."

"That's okay," you assure her, "we can keep a secret too. Right, Doumeki?" He nods and goes back to staring at the wall. You roll your eyes and think: Moron. The little girl still looks hesitant, but she grabs your hand and leads you into the house. Doumeki follows along at a bit of a distance.

Apprehension hits you as soon as she takes your hand.

You forget the feeling as you watch her moving feet, rhythmically thudding against the floor. The walls fluctuate, flicker, change colors and textures, but you take no notice. They recoil as Doumeki passes through the hall behind you. He doesn't notice either.

...

The girl opens the door to the backyard. It's plain, with a wooden fence wrapped around the outer edges. There's a flower garden, a vegetable garden, and a collection of hedges at the far side. The only thing out of place is the giant kaya tree in the corner of the yard.

Still no sign of a spirit.

"It's the tree," the girls says. She drags you closer to it. The air near the tree shimmers slightly. "The birds won't come near her, and she feels funny. I think she's sick. Can you fix her, please?"

You lay a hand on the bark and examine it. The tree seems somehow reluctant to let you touch it. There's definitely something off about the its energy. You turn to the girl with a smile, "It should be fi—" Something hits you in the middle of the back and everything goes black.

...

"Kimihiro."

Someone is calling you.

"Kimihiro."

You know that voice.

"Kimihiro."

Why can't you remember?

"Watanuki."

Ms. Yuuko stands before you, wearing clothes so dark they blend into the background, smiling.

"He's waiting for you."

You want to ask who, but she's gone.

"Don't make him wait."

Doumeki is there, twin waterfalls streaming from his eyes.

"He's waited so long already."

The image warbles and disappears as you reach for him.

"Kimihiro!"

...

The first thing you see is Doumeki aiming an arrow in your direction. Not a very pleasant way to wake up, and not something you want to repeat any time soon. "Moron, watch your aim..." You're not sure he can hear you, you're mumbling. "You could kill someone." Now that you think about it, your head is killing you.

"Kimihiro!"

If you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that he used your first name. You also would have noticed a definite shift in the atmosphere. But you weren't, and you didn't.

"Stop shouting, I can hear you just fine. Idiot..."

Everything looks out of focus, like you're seeing things through a layer of plastic wrap. Your vision slides sideways and suddenly you're watching yourself, wrapped in the branches of the kaya trees. Glasses laying in the grass. An arrow aimed shakily towards the upper branches of the tree. Towards you.

"Oh god." You mumble the words on repeat for a few seconds, trying to get a handle on the situation and failing miserably. Louder, you ask, "What the hell happened?"

"The little girl, she dragged you into the tree."

"Fuck." You look around, but of course there's no sign of the little girl. "What do we do now?"

"...I don't know."

...

It's been ten minutes.

Ms. Yuuko isn't answering her messages (not that you really expected her to if you're being honest with yourself, which you rarely are). You don't know who else to ask. Honestly, you're starting to freak out a bit. You're going to get absorbed into a tree and you're pretty sure you're going to die.

"Watanuki." Doumeki is sitting cross legged on the grass, leaning against the house. He put down his bow ages ago. "The tree. Can you sense anything?"

You stare at him, incredulous. You're about to die (probably) at the hands of a spirit (maybe) and he wants to know about the goddamn tree? Like it's going to be put out by the fact that you're being sucked into it! You can't fucking believe it. How self-centered and idiotic can a guy be? You would scream at him if you thought it would do you any good.

"If we know what it is, we can get you out."

Oh.

"It... feels old. Ancient. Weary. And it needs... something. Food? Energy?" You struggle for the right word. Trees don't exactly speak Japanese. "Attention? I'm not sure how to describe it." Doumeki doesn't say a word. "I don't know! She isn't making any sense!"

"She said I needed my bow. Why?"

You have no fucking clue. It's not like there's a target painted on the tree.

Except… there's one spot that feels slightly different. Vulnerable. It's small, tiny really. But you know exactly what you have to do. Unfortunately. You take a deep breath and say, "Shoot me."

...

The arrow is pointed in your direction again.

You let your vision slide sideways. A little more of you has been swallowed by the branches. You ignore the feeling of dread pooling in your stomach and concentrate on helping Doumeki aim. "A little more to the left." He shifts his aim. "A bit higher, and back to the right a bit. Stop. That's good."

Doumeki's hands steady and hold the arrow in place, but he doesn't shoot.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am." You're really, really not. "Just shoot the damn arrow."

He lets the arrow fly. Your eyes squeeze shut. You hope to hell you lined up the shot properly.

...

The tree shatters on impact.

A wave of gratefulness washes over you, warm and weighty. She whispers into your mind, a brief recollection of her pleas. How she's been crying out for help for the last year. For a moment, you swear you see a woman with pale green hair smiling at you. Then you're falling, falling too fast and you think: I'm going to become a pancake.

Doumeki catches you.

He's suddenly far too close, relief rolling off him in waves, head resting on your shoulder, and everything is happening way too fast. "You're okay," he says. It sounds like a question. You nod, a shaky affirmative, and think: What the fuck is he doing?

Then everything fades to black.

...

You wake to the sight of a familiar ceiling spinning rather sickeningly and an inability to breath.

This isn't your apartment or the shop, but the temple. You sit up slowly and find that Doumeki is fast asleep, head on your chest. His head slips to your lap. Your first reaction is to be annoyed. Then you remember how needlessly worried he was earlier and you find your irritation melting away. You can forgive him this time. He did just save you from becoming a pancake.

Hesitantly, you brush your fingers through his hair. It's unsurprisingly coarse, but you don't mind. You let the sensation and the quiet rumbling of Doumeki's snoring lull you into a relaxed state.

Memories swim to the forefront of your mind.

The concern and fear in his eyes, the way his hands shook as he aimed that first arrow, his obvious relief when he caught you. All of Doumeki's actions (both from today and from years long gone) slide into crystal clear definition. Every time he saved you, every civil conversation, every moment of relative peace. You realize, belatedly, that he cares about you.

…

He wakes up ten minutes later.

You quietly untangle your hand from his hair, hoping he doesn't notice. He does, of course. "It's fine," he mutters. There's resignation and hurt in his eyes. You feel inexplicably guilty.

Gingerly, you reach out and lay your hand on his, curling your fingers inwards until the tips touch his palm. Doumeki stares at your linked hands then back up at you, his face blank as ever. You're not sure, but you think he might be pleasantly surprised and maybe a bit puzzled.

"Watanuki?"

"You called me Kimihiro earlier," you say, for lack of anything better to say.

"I did."

"Why?"

"You know why." And you do. You know exactly why he said your name, though you're not sure if you really want to know. But realizations can't be undone. You nod slowly. "Does it bother you?"

"No… No, you should probably keep calling me that."

Doumeki looks at you questioningly. Before you can lose your nerve, you lean in and press your lips to his. Almost immediately, his fingers slide into your hair and tilt your head back. It's much gentler than you would have expected from him. Well, much gentler than you would have expected if you had actually let yourself think about it for more than five seconds.

When you finally pull away, there's been another shift. The air is warm and heavy and you feel like you're trying to move through syrup. Your thoughts are slow. Which is why it takes a moment for the reality of what you just did to sink in. You think: Oh my fuck, shit, goddamnit. You get unsteadily to your feet and attempt to leave. You need time to process.

"No." He grabs your wrist and tugs you back. You fall rather ungracefully into his lap. You're too close again, way too close, and it's like you can't breathe. "You don't get to kiss me and then run away. Talk."

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"Bullshit." You don't think you've ever heard Doumeki swear before. "Talk."

"What's there to talk about! I think I made everything pretty obvious, Shizuka!"

You don't register the use of his first name until he stares down at you, very obviously surprised. And you may or may not have blushed several shades of crimson and called yourself a moron.

He asks, "Is it alright if I kiss you?"

"…Yes."

…

Smoke hangs heavy in the air, fueled by a pipe and a cigarette.

"He's finally done waiting. Are you happy?"

"It was—"

Haruka finishes, his lips hinting at a smile, "Hitsuzen?"

"Yes," Yuuko agrees. "Fated to be, even if they did need a little help. But truly, we're only fated to do the things we would choose anyways."

1. after this, whenever himawari laughs and comments on how good their relationship is (which she still does and probably always will do), watanuki always grumbles but doesn't protest, instead saying "yeah, ik." doumeki may or may not be very fond of that habit.

2. doumeki smiles, like an actual honest to goodness smile and it freaks watanuki out a bit. bc who the hell said you were allowed to make those kinds of expressions? you're just doumeki! it's definitely not bc he's flustered by how endearing he finds it. and definitely not to cover up how much he rly wants to kiss him bc goddamnit he's cute when he smiles, okay?

3. yuuko's help didn't come w/ a hefty price tag, for once. bc it was her own feelings that mad her do those things and she choose to give them of her own volition. and feelings are always free.

4. doumeki knew exactly what he was feeling, and definitely knew what watanuki was feeling. but he also knew that watanuki had absolutely no desire to change their relationship. so he said nothing. and watanuki ofc, was clueless as to how doumeki felt until that one "crystal clear definition" moment. and then he realized, shit, i might actually want to do smth about this?

an: okay, so, in case anyone is confused... 'cause i went back and realized the tree thing makes no sense. (by the time i actually finished writing this i was so scatterbrained and frustrated that i rly just wanted to publish it and be done so.) the tree was, well, hungry isn't quite the word but it's close enough. so the little girl, who was smth like a seedling or maybe child would come closer, lured watanuki there bc he had great spiritual power. more than enough to 'feed' the tree. the tree was reluctant bc she didn't want to take energy from smth living, she had too much respect for life. but once watanuki was in, there was no real way for her to get him out. that's where doumeki comes in. his arrow, w/ purification energy stuff, was also strong enough to 'feed' the tree. (the vulnerable spot was smth like a mouth or a portal or an intake system maybe?) so the tree took the energy, impressed her gratefulness upon watanuki, and departed. and the house disappeared bc it was only an illusion designed by the seedling. (which is why it was flickering and fluctuating and all that.)