Part-Time Pirates

An One Piece original fanfiction

"Alright folks, it's a snowy evening out there, perfect time for some hot chocolate, if you ask me! You're listening to Techno Time on Radio 16.0, and this is your friendly DJ King, Soul King with you! This lazy evening, we have some hot dance-techno numbers to make your hearts skip to the beat! Although I don't have a heart, YOHOHOHO!" Brook rattled off enthusiastically, headphones held firmly over his ears ("But I have no ears, yohohoho!") and leaning over the mike.

"But before you get your 30 minutes of ad-free music, let's have a few callers and their dedications to their near-and-dear ones! Ooh, here's the first one! Good evening, DJ King on the line, and this is?"

"GOOD EVENING, BROOK-SEMPAIIIII! UWAHHHHH I NEBER DHOUGHT I'D GET TO AIR WITH YOUUUU!" someone – must be Bartolomeo, Brook guessed – sobbed hysterically.

"Hohoho, Bartolomeo-san! A pleasure to meet you! What song would you like to dedicate? And to whom?"

Well, honestly, being a pirate wasn't enough for Brook to get by with, and with Nami in charge of the crew's finances, he certainly did not have enough to live off of. So naturally, he'd take to music for a living. But he couldn't go around staging concerts now, no. Rather, he (rather ingeniously, he thinks) decided to become a DJ, and had all the equipment he needed installed in his own room, so he could earn his extra berri from where he was.

Safe to say, not another soul on board the Going Merry knew of his part-time profession – he wanted to keep his extra cash for himself, thank you very much.

But of course, every good thing comes with a catch. And the catch for his job would be…the callers. Eccentric bunch, them.

After calming down somewhat, Bartolomeo choked out, "A-any song would be fine! Brook-sempai has the best taste in songs! And I'd like to dedicate it to Luffy-sempai, Zoro-sempai, Nami-sempai,-"

"You'd like to dedicate it to the Mugiwara crew, I take it? Alright, thank you for joining us on this peachy evening, Bartolomeo-san! And oh, here we have our next caller, yes, who is this?" he chirped, very unlike himself.

"Ghost Princess."

"Perona?"

"Ghost Princess. Lowly creatures are not allowed to refer to me by name," she replied haughtily.

The reanimated skeleton inwardly groaned. Skeletons don't have hearts, but they have feelings, you know?

"…alright, your song dedication?"

"Anything grim and gloomy, and none of your usual sappy songs, thank you very much. As for why I really called… do you Straw Hats have nothing better to do? You work a side job as a DJ and Roronoa Zoro is a spy for Kamabakka Kingdom," as though slightly bitter.

"O-okay…that was sudden and, isn't really something you hear callers say everyday. What's next? 'Franky and Usopp are after total world domination'?" Brook chuckled.

"Anyway, thank you for calling – and what a pleasure it was, talking to you! Just to let you know, I don't think you'll find a song that suits your taste on Techno Time," he added.

It was at times like these that Brook was grateful for his radio channel's relatively lax policy when it came to callers – he could freely get sassy and sarcastic with the less pleasant ones.

"CODE PINK! CODE PINK!" shrieked Chopper as he ran around the little workshop in circles.

Usopp, who was tending to some potted vine-like plants was slightly irked at the sudden disturbance.

"Calm down, Chopper, my Venomous Saplings hate noise," Usopp looked over his shoulder to see what Chopper had gotten so worked up about.

"Besides, we don't even have a Code Pink," he added, totally at a loss for what was going on.

"Well, I-forgot-what-colour-it-was-supposed-to-be-but-cotton-candy-is-pink-and-everything-links-to-cotton-candy-so-everything-is-pink-and-"

"Chopper! Calm down and tell me what's going on!" Usopp shook the knee-tall reindeer, beginning to panic himself.

"Aaahhh! Perona called up Brook's radio channel and – and – they've figured out, Usopp! They've figured out that you and Franky are aiming for world domination!" Chopper shivered in fear, slipping out of Brook's grip and returning to running around in circles.

"Th-that's not Code Pink, THAT'S CODE RED! AAAAAAHHHHH!" Usopp joined Chopper in running in circles around the room, shrieking madly.

The door creaked open and a head peeked in.

"What's going on, Usopp-bro, Chopper-bro?" Franky enquired.

"BROOK KNOWS- H-HE KNOWS!" Usopp screamed.

"Know what?"

"T-that we're part-time evil maniacs trying to take over the world!" was the response.

"This is not good. Not good. THIS IS NOT SUPER AT ALL!" Franky began to panic as well.

"FIRE ALL THE MINI-CANNONS! CODE RED, I REPEAT- CODE RED! FIRE THE MINI-CANNONS!" he yelled, clanking around the small workshop in his bulky steel body that was in desperate need of oiling.

"That doesn't solve anything!" Chopper screamed.

The uproar caused the potted Venomous Saplings to explode and spew toxic goo all over the floor, burning holes through the wooden planks.

Of course, this only caused the trio to scream louder.

"Hopeless, those three. If the world hasn't yet caught wind of their undercover activities, they'd probably just go and expose themselves anyway," mumbled Zoro to himself.

"They're wrecking Nami-chwan and Robin-chwan's quarters with their damned cannons," Sanji gritted his teeth.

"I'm worried about those three, and what are you complaining about over there?" Zoro bit out at the blonde cook.

"I'm not so concerned about them. What about us?! We're gonna be exposed!"

"Nah. Perona has no credibility. Nobody's going to believe her."

"You better be right, marimo…"

"Anyways, why are you dragging me down with you? Deal with the consequences yourself! I don't even know why you're bothering to act as a spy for Kamabakka, of all kingdoms!"

"They're trying to establish a sovereign kingdom separate from the World Government's control. I've told you already." Sanji pulled a sour face.

"And I'm asking you why you're involved with them! Are you a fucking transvestite?!"

"NO! It's just…the price I had to pay…for my virginity…," Sanji trailed off at the end, chewing on his cigarette.

Zoro was torn between getting annoyed and laughing his ass off.

Laughing came first, he decided.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU!" Sanji kicked the green-haired swordsman in an attempt to silence his gales of laughter.

"Right, right…now that's over…why am I even with you, dumbass?" Zoro reverted to his usual annoyed expression.

"You owe me!"

"No I don't! I have absolutely nothing to do with Kamabakka Kingdom or you!"

"You owe me for even letting you try and woo my Robin-chwan!"

"I don't need your permission for that! And she isn't yours, retard!"

"ARGH, whatever! You need tips on courting her, don't you?!"

"Yeah, but it's not like YOU can help me with that! Have you ever dated anyone?!"

"…no."

"YOU CHEATED ME, YOU TURD!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO REALISE IT, YOU DIPSHIT!"

"Shishishishi!"

Our dear, ever-lovable and oblivious captain sat facing backwards, atop the lion-head of the Thousand Sunny. Actually, scratch that part about him being oblivious.

With a pair of binoculars in hand and a barrel (yes, a barrel it was) of popcorn next to him, he observed the goings-on of his pirate ship with amusement teeming in his twinkling eyes.

Unlike his crewmates, Monkey D. Luffy – son of Monkey D. Dragon, el-magnifico, Leader of the Revolutionary Army that was currently spreading the waves of (guess what) revolution, most wanted pirate in all of the Four Seas – did not need a part-time job.

That being said, he really wanted to be a mariachi, at times when he didn't really have much to occupy his time with. For what, you ask? As a random stranger he had met on one of the islands in the New World had – oh, so eloquently – put: "For the lolz, m8".

Well, why not? He had nothing better to do in his spare time, or at least not until now. Recently though, he had discovered a new source of never-ending fun and drama. His crewmates.

Between the wannabe evil genius trio of Franky, Usopp and Chopper, and the dysfunctional spy duo of Sanji and Zoro, Luffy didn't know how much time he had spent laughing his metaphorical ass off. Not to forget, our personal-professional entertainer: "DJ Soul King".

It was definitely the right choice to recruit this eccentric but amusing bunch of oddballs, Luffy thought to himself.

He was about to continue along that particular train of thoughts when he spotted the two ladies of the crew sashaying back to the ship, bulging shopping bags in tow.

"HEEEEYYY! GUYS, NAMI AND ROBIN ARE BAAACKK!" he hollered.

'There goes our reliable personal door alarm system,' everyone thought simultaneously.

"Are you sure we've got the right crew? You sure this isn't another bunch of Mugiwara-wannabe-impersonators?" Akainu raised an eyebrow suspiciously at Smoker.

The Marine in question gaped in shock.

"Yes, yes, that is an excellent imitation of a goldfish. Now answer me!" Akainu barked again, eye twitching in irritation.

"Well – yes, of course! We did install pocket cameras on the right people at Dressrosa, but…," Smoker was at a loss for words.

"Whoever these jokers are, they definitely aren't the Straw Hats! A DJ, mad scientists, spies – are you fucking serious?!"

All around the duo Smoker's crew along with Marines from other crews were rolling over in mirth.

"No sir, I do believe he is not involved in any such relationship at the moment," piped up Fujitora, finding all this incredibly amusing. These were the things that kept him going at such an old age.

"SHUT UP! YOU FIND THIS FUNNY, DO YOU?!" the admiral barked again at all the Marines.

"Y-yes sir, Hina is very tickled by this."

Akainu's eye twitched once more. These Straw Hats would be the end of him.

Pride: This…was the result of my mind under the influence of coffee and Red Bull. Extremely OOC, and totally random, but I like to think humor is my forte. Anyways, please be liberal with your reviews, and let me know if I should attempt something as crazy as this anytime again in the future.

Yours truly - Pride