My name is Caroline Bingley and I am a fool.

I know some of you reading this will be in dismay at such a statement, especially coming from me but alas it is true. I am a fool and have been for a very many years.

And you know what has made me most foolish?

Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy.

A man with whom I pinned upon all my future hopes and dreams. And all my sorrow and despair.

As a little girl my mother and father, like most newly well-to-do folk had wanted a boy. So when Louisa was born they were disappointed but when I was born? A second daughter? True panic took residence within their hearts. For we have all heard stories of couples who could only have daughters and the security of future generations comfort suddenly not being so guaranteed after all; their newly acquired possessions being giving off to a fifth cousin twice removed upon their usually untimely death. The horror at such prospects frightened my parents more than the thought of being snubbed from a society soiree ever could. So when for the next two springs a babe was not born the despair only increased. When my mother found out she was with child my parents where obviously delighted.

Charles Bingley was born.

I do not remember much of my childhood, apart from my mother and father attending party after party as Louisa and I watched from the top of the stairs and Charles cried endlessly from his crib.

Someone once remarked that Charles must have been the most amiable of children due to his happy disposition as an adult. They obviously didn't know him then.

The other great, re-occurring memory was of my mother instilling within Louisa and I the very great need to marry well:

"You must marry someone of great importance! Though your father and I are doing well we are still from Trade and that to some will never be enough. It is crucial that you must raise the Bingley name to where it belongs. You and it were made for greatness my dears."

That was but one of many pearls of wisdom from my mother. She would sit us down whenever she could and stress upon us the need to marry well to raise our social fortunes.

A goal which I was determined to achieve.

Charles went to Eton and then Cambridge and met many from well off families. Boys who grew to be men from families of Earls and Dukes, men with an estate in almost every county. Men whose mother ruled the Ton. Yet none ever took my fancy.

Until I met Fitzwilliam Darcy.

My father had died of a bad fever in April and my mother joined him the following February. I think they took a little bit of my heart with them. I was in no mood to entertain but Charles had pleaded with me to be the hostess that mother had taught me to be so I dutifully stood and welcomed our guests…

And the most handsome man I'd ever seen walked in.

He was obscenely tall, with broad shoulders and cut a finer figure than anyone I ever saw. With his piercing dark stare and dark curls I was enchanted immediately.

The fact that he was the nephew of an Earl, had ten thousand a year and had a number of great homes including the famous Pemberley? All the better.

I don't remember much of that night but I remember vividly how intelligent his conversations was and how my heart beat was alarmingly fast the entire night.

That was the beginning of the infatuation…

I would badger Charles for all evidence I could on his handsome friend, host dinner party after dinner just to catch a mere glimpse of the man.

The infatuation grew…

When Louisa married that bumbling fool, alcoholic and all around lazy oaf Hurst I didn't comment, when she asked me the week before her wedding and every day leading up to it if she was doing the right thing with a look of panic in her hazel eyes I didn't say anything as I was too busy thinking what Mr Darcy would look like in his wedding attire. When Louisa would sometimes look at me with that look in her eyes as if I didn't help her when she needed it I simply smiled and looked away, thinking what Mr Darcy was doing and if he was thinking of me.

I slowly began to change myself into someone whom I hoped Mr Darcy would approve of. When I was going to have tea with 'friends' I would make my driver ride past the Darcy townhouse in hope I would catch a glimpse of the man himself. In church on Sunday I would pray, not for those in need or the sick, but rather that this week Mr Darcy would finally notice me…

But he never did.

He didn't notice when I bought a new wardrobe that cost so much Charles nearly burst a vain. Or when I started to style my hair differently. Or how I always ensured that his favourite things were always in demand in our homes. Or how I always listened to his opinions and if he recommended a book? I read it, often forgoing sleep just to ensure I read it quickly. Or when I lost weight so my appearance might approve, or when I went missing for three weeks as Charles had me locked away because I wouldn't eat. Maybe if I was sick Mr Darcy would notice and feel protective and plead with me to eat because his Caroline would never do this to herself.

But he never did.

So when Charles told me we were moving to Hertfordshire I was furious! I am ashamed to admit my behaviour was not ladylike but the thought of being away from him was devastating for me and my brain and heart wouldn't and couldn't take it. It took two footmen restraining me and a fearful Charles to finally calm me down. Then my darling brother told me that Mr Darcy was going to be joining us! I was ecstatic.

But that was the beginning of the end wasn't it?

I thought that maybe if we could be isolated then Mr Darcy wold be forced to notice me. He would see how wonderful I was, how perfect we were for one another then he would be forced to admit we belonged together.

Elizabeth Bennet.

She was an issue from the start. With her wild curls, admittedly pretty eyes and bright mind she captured Mr Darcy in a way I had never managed to.

I was furious. Vases and tempers broken.

I schemed to rid the Bennet's from our lives, if my Brother and Mr Darcy could only see their unsuitability then everything would be perfect again.

Jane Bennet got sick and she came to care for her. Carrying with her half the mud in Hertfordshire, something I pointed out to Mr Darcy, his eyes glinted and later mines wept.

Everything was quickly falling apart.

When I managed to convince Mr Darcy into helping me persuade Charles to leave I was so very happy. I even helped pack my own trunk in my haste to leave the blasted place. My maid fainted when she saw this.

However it didn't help. The Bennet's still loomed over us, even from a great distance. Both my brother and Mr Darcy were miserable though the latter tried to hide it. In March he went on his annual trip to Lady Catherine in Kent and I hoped the distraction would prove him good.

It didn't.

Whereas he was miserable before he was distraught now. His lovely dark eyes were now haunted by a memory I couldn't recall and his handsome face strained with grief. At first I thought something had happened, someone had died but then I found out what had occurred.

Elizabeth Bennet had been in Kent.

When I first found out I laughed in disbelief, then with more derangement in my merriment. My maid fainted again. Of all the places she turned up it had to be in Kent, in his Aunt's parson's rectory?

God was obviously having a good laugh at my pitiful expense.

Our trip to Pemberley, when I could have showed Mr Darcy my suitability in his home, was once again marred by something… guess who…

Elizabeth Bennet.

At this point even her name could fill me with such rage I even frightened myself.

But this was the first time I saw it…

Love. Shining in those Dark eyes I had adored so very much. And it wasn't directed at me.

Love for her.

I wept so much that night I could scarcely draw breath and collapsed. Charles had obviously heard the commotion and rushed in to find me on the floor, crying my heart out.

Charles, my darling Charles, didn't comment as he quietly closed the door and knelt beside me, brushing my hair from my tear stained face. He didn't comment as he rocked me back and forth nor did he comment as I told him of my obsession with his friend. The master of the house whom I was devastated over.

However after an hour in which I finally calmed down, Charles carried me to my bed and held my hand, he did speak.

"He is not worth it Caroline. He is not worth your tears or your affection. I have watched for years as you pined after him, moulded your perfect self into something he would want but has never noticed. And he is not worth it for if he deserved you he would have noticed your worth from the moment he laid his eyes on you. Let it go Caroline, let him go."

And the next morning when I woke up I was still as mad about Mr Darcy as I always was but this time it was different. I began to see him as a man rather than the other worldly figure of my dreams. He was broody quite often and was quick to temper. He didn't feel the need to fill the silences the way I liked. I didn't always understand his sense of humour and his taste of books was horrible! The truth was I had met men with whom I got on better with, with whom I laughed or conversed freely yet for some unfathomable reason I set my entire future, my entire self-worth upon someone other than myself! A man who wouldn't have noticed if I walked in with a peacock on my head! I remember when the dawning of realisation finally came upon me. I laughed for an hour at my own silliness.

When my brother wrote to tell me of his engagement to Miss Jane Bennet a feeling arose within my breast, a feeling I have ignored for years.

Shame.

I wrote a lengthy letter to Miss Bennet, or Jane as I now call her, to apologise for my horrendous behaviour and the dear that she is she wrote back immediately and accepted my apology. She is such a dear.

The Ton will eat her alive.

But I'll try to protect her as best I can for she is family and let's face it no one can do hateful viper better than yours truly.

And in other news Mr Darcy is set to wed Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

I was in Ton when I first heard the news and I waited for tears to come but they never did. I will not tell a falsehood and say I wasn't slightly upset, after all I had pinned after the man for years so such feelings do not go away overnight but I stood tall and funnily a weight had been lifted from my shoulders when I heard the news. It was almost as if the thought of him finally marrying another meant that it was definitely over for me, much to my relief.

A few weeks later a 'friend' kindly broke the news, which I was already aware of, whilst we were at a gathering of other 'friends' they all watched me with baited breath. No doubt my reaction would be the talk of the Ton in under an hour.

"I know, isn't it wonderful? Miss Bennet was so very kind when I gave her a congratulatory gift and I've never seen Mr Darcy happier."

They were slack jawed at my reaction and I grinned internally as I sipped my imported tea. For who did they think they were trying to kid? I may be the queen of blissful ignorance but I am no idiot.

And Miss Elizabeth Bennet was very kind when I gave her my gift. I actually travelled to Meryton myself to hand her the gift. I called upon her, much to her shock and my amusement, and asked her for a tour of Longbourn's gardens. As we entered a small clearing I turned to my former rival, the air thick with tension and confided in her:

"When I first met you I hated you. I hated you like I have never hated anyone before. You were some country upstart who waltzed in with your dirty petticoats and sharp wit and stole a man with whom I have pined after for years. And I hated you for it and I wished a plague upon your house and for horrible things to happen to you and your family. And I am sorry, I plotted to keep your sister from my brother so you would be away from Mr Darcy. I acted abominably and I hope you can accept my apology."

And you know what? For all her wit and intelligence Elizabeth Bennet was speechless! Oh how I enjoyed that! When she finally gathered her senses I was waiting patiently by a stone bench, I wouldn't sit for I didn't want to sully my dress.

"When I met you I thought you were the most insipid vain woman I had ever met and I used to make remarks about you behind your back."

"Really? Is that all? Oh Miss Bennet I have surely been called worse. But on a side note let's talk about your fashion sense. Darling this dress is horrific! The next mistress of Pemberley cannot dress like a pig farmer!" Elizabeth Bennet then spluttered with indignation but I ignored her. For the first time since I had met her; Elizabeth was actually rather pleasant or maybe she always was but I chose to ignore it. We talked for a while longer and found our humour was not very different and her wit is delightful but the most memorable part was when Mr Darcy called upon his fiancé and found her and I laughing uncontrollably at stories of when Charles was younger. His face in that moment was worth a thousand diamonds.

I am actually rather good friends with Elizabeth Darcy nee Bennet now. I can see why Mr Darcy is so fond of her. She is quite a good conversationalist, still cannot dress though but I do try. Mrs Bennet is very possibly the most entertaining person I have ever had the fortune of meeting. Charles and Jane are disturbing, all they do is send puppy dog eyes at one another! I have decided to take Miss Catherine Bennet, I detest Kitty!, under my wing as she is reasonably pretty and is an infinitely better dresser that her older sister. Mary Bennet is playing a little better under my guidance though, no longer do people wince when she is within walking distance of a piano.

One night Louisa asked me did I ever truly love Mr Darcy.

Did I?

I am not entirely sure I ever truly did. I surely loved the idea of him. A handsome, rich, educated man with family members in the peerage? What was not to love? But when did he become a man to fit into the mould in my mind rather than someone with whom I genuinely loved? I think the death of my parents affected me more than I ever acknowledged, I was desperate for affection and I foolishly thought I could get it from Mr Darcy, oh how wrong I was. But my mother's preaching of doing well still hung over me and I was determined to make her proud, even in death, at my own detriment.

No, I don't think I was ever in love with Mr Darcy. But I cannot deny I was very fond of him at one time. Fond of a man who could love me and protect me. Someone to lavish me with attention but the question is when did lavish with attention turn to lavish with diamonds? When did I become so mercenary? Maybe I always was and Mr Darcy and his promise of riches brought it out on me but I know for sure that he could never have made me happy. For we are too different; he is night and I am day, a dreary day but a day all the same. We would have been miserable and Pemberley wouldn't have filled the void. I know that now as I watch Mr Darcy stare lovingly at the vibrant Elizabeth in the dining room of Pemberley.

Yes I Caroline Bingley was a fool but I know that now. But I shall be happy and content for I am happy and content in me and God as my witness never shall I ever view my self-worth on anyone else ever again!

Caroline Bingley. Happy fool.

Hope you enjoyed this! I know Caroline often gets a tough time (guilty of it myself) so I wanted to do something and make her seem a bit softer! P.s in this Caroline is older than Charles.

Thanks for reading. Please Review.