Real AN: This is a satirical piece to blow off some angst. Reviewers have been my favorite part of writing fanfiction, and through interactions with people I have found an amazing level of acceptance and my own personal growth. Most reviewers, even critical ones, are such an amazing gift. However, and I think other authors have this same issue, there are a few anonymous reviewers that are truly obnoxious. I delete those reviews pretty quickly, and have developed a sense of humor about them really. If you're an author and have struggled with this too, please leave a review of one (or more) of your more outlandish comments, all of the comments I wrote at the end are based on actual comments I've received. This story is dedicated to my fellow authors who have to put up with it too.

AN: I am pleased to introduce my new story, Harry Potter and the Controversial Strawberries. Warning: This story does contain strawberries, so if you're offended by strawberries please read one of the other great stories on this sight that doesn't contain strawberries. Thank you. This is canon-compliant and set during the first year.

Harry Potter sat with his two best friends on the banks of the lake. The early spring sun warmed their backs, and they began to plan.

"I think Snape will try tonight," Ron said definitively.

"Then we must stop him!" Harry insisted.

"Perhaps we could talk to an adult like McGonagall . . ." Hermione suggested tentatively.

"No, we must do this alone!" Harry emphatically insisted. "Adults cannot be trusted!"

"Hey, what's that over there?" Ron said, looking further up the bank.

"Is it something to help us in our fight against evil?" Hermione asked.

"Is it something we randomly find that could kill Snape?" Harry asked.

"I think they're strawberries," Ron said. "Wild ones. Fancy a few?"

"Ron, I don't think you should eat those," Hermione warned him. "Snape is a powerful wizard, what if he's trying to poison us with strawberries."

"She's right, you know," Harry told him. "Better to stay away."

"Mr. Potter!" they heard the sharp voice of their Potions Master behind them.

"Good afternoon, professor," Hermione answered, always the quickest thinker of the group.

"And why are you young Gryffindors contemplating strawberries on a day like today?" he asked, his eyebrow arched.

"Are strawberries dangerous, sir?" Hermione pressed.

"Not inherently," Snape answered, his voice lecturing. "In years past people used strawberries all the time, they were quite common. In recent years there has been such a fuss raised over some people being allergic, that we have expunged them from our society."

"Well, if some people are allergic then that's for the better," Ron agreed.

"Perhaps," Snape inclined his head. "Although I seem to remember a muggle saying about babies and bathwater."

"Thank you, professor," Hermione thanked, him, nudging the boys away with her. "We will be careful."

"See that you are," Snape nodded, and then flounced his robe as he turned and left.

Comment: Wow, you're obsessed with Strawberries. Why do you write about them?

Comment: You're a pervert! Did someone force you to eat strawberries as a child?

Comment: It's creepy that you have a story that involves children and strawberries because I can't envision strawberries as anything but sexual.

Comment: Children read this site you F***** Pervert! they might F**** read this S*** and it might f**** damage their s*** minds! How dare you you **** **** ****! I hope you f**** die!

Comment: I've read every word you've ever written, including stories that are 37 chapters long, and I'm just so offended that you would include strawberries. There must be something wrong with you that you want to write about strawberries all the time. Apparently there's nothing else to read and I must read your stories, so make them how I want them and stop offending me.

Comment: I haven't actually read your work, but the fact that there is the word "strawberries" in your description means that I would like to discuss how my political agenda would ban all strawberries from first world nations. Because who cares about the strawberries in poorer countries.

Comment: I would never trust you to raise a child! How could you let them contemplate eating strawberries so brazenly! Don't you know that some children are abused by strawberries! Some are allergic! People could be triggered by reading this!

Comment: Do your parents know that you are obsessed with strawberries? Or was it because they gave you strawberries as a child that you feel like you need to write about them?

Comment: I'll bet you feed strawberries to people who are allergic you freak!

Comment: Even though strawberries were perfectly common and legal the year that your source material took place and even hinted at in the source material, how dare you write about strawberries!

Comment: You just write about strawberries to get sick freaks to read your stories, you review monger.

Comment: You stole this plot because I remember something vaguely similar in another story. Surely no two stories could possibly have anything in common without you stealing the story wholesale.

Comment: Can someone recommend another Harry Potter story because this one sucks!