Calypso

Usually he wouldn't even dare to think of spending so much money for a double of gin, but the downstairs lounge had been overcrowded with people and he hated the thought of someone witnessing his nervous drinking. It was still partially light outside - just barely, now that the gloomy shadow of the oncoming winter had begun to seep into the daylight sky - and the corners of the bars were not quite dark enough for him to hide himself in. He could never allow anyone to see him like this, most of all the person that he was expecting to join him at any moment. He only hoped that the meagre bottle in his hand would dampen his nerves enough for him to think more clearly. He'd been frantically pacing the hotel room for the last half hour, fixing and restyling his hair, debating whether or not he needed to iron his shirt and chewing handfuls of mints in an anxious fit, desperately trying to keep himself bust so that he might distract his worried mind..

Making a quick decision, telling himself that the additional fee was worth it, he ripped open the top of the bottle and took a swig of liquor, swallowing the mouthful before the taste could rest on his tongue. His jaw stiffened at the stinging flavour and his face pulled into a cringe. He coughed into his arm to clear away the burning sensation in the back of his throat and again began to circle around the room. In his head he rehearsed the evening down to the last detail; how he would suavely greet his guest; how he would position himself when he sat down; how he would smile and laugh. Everything had to be absolutely perfect. He so rarely had the opportunity to make an impression that he was ravaging himself with stress to make sure that this one night was as memorable as it could be. He had even gone so far as to drastically thin his wallet with the purchasing of a new suit and cologne. He could easily admit to himself that he looked better than he had in years, but that didn't make him feel any more confident.

A sudden knock on the door had him leaping across the room in surprise and panic. He hurried to finish the bottle of alcohol in one gulp and disposed of the empty container. His stomach warmed with the settling liquor and in his head the anxious voices decreased in volume slightly. Approaching the door he wiped the gin from his lips, brushed back the strand of blond hair that hung over his eyes, and straightened his crisp, white shirt before finally making a move to open it. He peeled back the door slowly, taking deep, calming breaths, and looked up to greet his guest.

"Hi."

Matt's heart stilled in his chest like it did every time. Tai was just as handsome as the last time Matt had seen him. He wore the navy blue suit that Matt had always loved - the one that outlined his muscular chest so perfectly and accentuated the dark freckles on his tanned cheeks. He stood in the doorway with the purposed elegance of a renaissance sculpture, tucking his hands into his jacket pockets to display his pectorals and cocking his hips to lengthen his legs. Everything about him was beyond extraordinary. Tai's warm, umber eyes sultrily scanned Matt's form, brightening with approval. Realising that he had been staring dumbly for an uncomfortable amount of time, Matt awkwardly laughed and stepped aside to clear a path into the room.

"Hi."

he stuttered in reply, reprimanding himself for having forgotten the greeting that he had planned so meticulously. With a teasing smile Tai entered the room, the delectable smell of his cologne wafting behind him. Matt's lust piqued on inhaling the inviting scent and a shiver coursed up his spine. Quickly he closed the door and took a moment with his hand resting on the door handle to calm his erratically pounding heart. All of his intentions to be cool and seductive seemed to have abandoned him as soon as he'd seen Tai. The man had always had a mind-numbing effect on him. Competent thought was almost impossible when in the presence of such a heavenly specimen.

Matt turned to face the rest of room upon hearing the sound of colliding fabric. Tai had removed his jacket and thrown it onto the back of the chair, now working to remove his tie. Matt approached him nervously, unable to tear his eyes away from the flexing muscles of the other's arms barely encased by his tight, white shirt.

"Do you want a drink?"

Matt asked, pausing a pace away from the other man. Tai raised his head towards him, in one sweep of his arm freeing the tie from his collar and letting it fly to the floor.

"No."

The distance between them was removed in one step. Tai's hands slid around his waist and neck, their heat permeating his clothes and reaching his skin. Matt allowed himself to be pulled forward and their lips met flawlessly. Arms drew him tightly into a hard chest and a tongue, tasting faintly of sweetened coffee, flicked against his upper lip. With a pleasured sigh Matt met it with his own, winding his own arms around the other man and reducing what little space was left between them. His mistakes at the evening's beginning no longer mattered. He had everything he could possibly desire. Tai was kissing him hungrily, slowly rocking his pelvis against him and running his fingers through the downy blond hairs on the back of his neck. The anticipation for what they were about to do was slowly driving Matt mad with want. He had waited months to have this again and his excitement was almost getting the better of him. He worried that he was gripping that little bit too tightly or kissing back too eagerly but Tai only ever responded in kind, demonstrating a similar desperate lust.

Together they clumsily shuffled towards the bed, their lips not parting for a moment. When the mattress brushed the back of his knees Matt lowered himself onto it, pulling Tai with him. With his feet still touching the floor he laid back on the bed, arching his torso into the man on top of him and colliding their hips. Muted moans sifted through the gaps between their lips. Matt tightly curled his hands into the fabric of Tai's shirt, wanting to feel the skin beneath it but not having the patience to remove the clothing himself. Two strong legs pulled up around his hips and in need for further contact Matt stroked his left hand down Tai's ribcage, hips, and onto the underside of his thigh, squeezing the taut flesh with cruel strength. Pulling away from their kiss Tai sighed shakily into Matt's cheek.

"Go on."

Tai whispered against his neck, peeling the loose shirt off his shoulders and teething the white skin that was revealed. Matt shivered in delight, stifling a coy chuckle.

"Go on, what?"

he replied breathlessly, brushing his lips across Tai's jaw.

"Tell me."

His shirt was discarded and warm hands kneaded his sides.

"Tell you what?"

"Everything."

Matt knew exactly what it was that Tai wanted to hear. This had been a part of their routine since the first time they had met in this room.

"I started my flight training."

he told Tai, reaching for the other man's belt and sliding it out of its buckle. Tai nudged his hips forward into Matt's hands, pressing his straining erection against Matt's palm.

"I got promoted to company director."

Tai groaned in reply, crawling his lips down Matt's chest until they reached the rim of his trousers. Matt closed his eyes and wrapped his fingers in Tai's hair, sighing in relief when the zipper was pulled down.

"I got hurt trying to change a light bulb."

he gasped, finding it almost impossible to concentrate while Tai was teasingly pulling down his trousers one inch at a time, heavily breathing warm air onto his blood-filled groin. Tai chuckled and looked up at Matt, travelling his lips once more across Matt's stomach until they reached a long, glossy scar near his hip.

"I can see that."

he mumbled, kissing the wound apologetically and licking across the raised skin.

"Had to get stitches, too."

Matt replied in a shaky voice, tortured by the strange sensation of Tai's hot tongue lapping at the nerveless scar.

"You poor baby."

Tai teased, catching the scar tissue between his teeth and nipping it playfully. Matt winced but otherwise showed no signs that he wasn't enjoying Tai's tormenting of his wound. He was breathing heavily now and his legs were shaking so much that Tai fumbled when finally pulling his trousers off him completely. He threw them to the floor carelessly and soon his own shirt followed. When bare skin came together electricity flowed between the two bodies. Matt wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Tai's chest and pulling it against his own. His hips drove forward into Tai's and both men whimpered in pleasure.

"I got a new car. A Toyota."

Tai said while one nervous hand sailed downwards on Matt's body. Matt shuddered in anticipation, feeling Tai's fingers combing through the hairs just beneath the elastic of his boxers.

"I-I...I can't think of anything else."

he whined rolling his hips to urge the hand closer to where he most craved Tai's touch. He could feel the warmth radiating from the fingers that teased the roots of the sensitive hairs.

"Come on. Keep going. Tell me anything."

Tai prompted, refusing to do anything more until his demands were met. Matt was desperate. Pleasure was only an inch away. He just had to think of something - of anything. But...that hand was so hot and close, and the breath on his neck was dizzying.

"I..I went to that new bar in Co-"

he broke off his words with a gasp. The hand had met its destination at the base of his cock.

"Co-Covent Garden."

he stuttered and heard Tai breathlessly chuckle.

Feeling the comforting weight leave his side Matt rolled over to see Tai trailing around the bed in search of his discarded clothes. At first Matt laid back and allowed him to do so, thinking he might be collecting them to store them in the wardrobe and enjoying the view of the naked man at a distance. He smiled dopily, overjoyed to admit that such a beautiful body had been in his arms not too long ago. His smile withered however when he noticed Tai climbing back into his underwear.

"You're leaving already?"

he asked tiredly, sitting up as best as he could while hindered by the settling ache in his hips. Tai next stepped into his trousers and pulled them to his hips, shaking his head.

"Yeah, I have to. Sora's been really moody lately and wants me back home."

After picking up his belt he slipped it into his trousers and began to fasten it clumsily, his hands still shaking from his recent orgasm. Matt stared incredulously at him.

"You can't stay a little longer? I haven't seen you in months."

With an apologetic smile Tai turned to face him and slowly approached the bed.

"I know. I'm sorry."

he said softly and raised his knee onto the mattress to lean over and place a kiss on Matt's cheek.

"I'll make it up to you. I'll pay for the room."

His kiss didn't linger. It was quick, cold and dry. The consolation offer that it accompanied in no way soothed Matt's hurt, but instead turned it into a bitter resentment. Angrily he wiped the trace of Tai's lips from his cheek and swung his legs across the bed.

"You paid last time."

he muttered sulkily and placed his feet on the floor, pressing his toes into the spongy carpet hat had been greyed by the dirt of other's feet. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Tai sweeping his shirt around his shoulders, fitting a second arm into the sleeve, and distantly heard him sigh.

"I'm trying to do something nice for you."

"Sorry, but I don't consider being paid for sex as an act of kindness."

he scoffed, scowling at his knees in preference of looking at the other man's sorry expression.

"You know I want to stay. I would if I could, but she's waiting for me."

Matt pushed himself off the bed, unashamed of his nudity, and stormed over to Tai who was calmly fastening the buttons of his shirt.

"I waited, too! I've waited a hell of a lot longer than she has!"

"That's different; she's my wife."

"Then what the fuck am I?! Why are we still doing this?!"

Tai took a pause, forlornly raising his eyes to meet Matt's glaring ones. He looked the same way as he always did when they had this conversation or ones similar. There was a regretful sadness in his eyes but what angered Matt was the patronizing way in which he twisted his lips, as though more upset by Matt's inability to understand the situation than the situation itself.

"You know why."

he sighed, tilting his head imploringly. Matt sneered and wiped a thumb across his nose, cocking his hips in preparation for an argument.

"No, I don't. Enlighten me."

Ignoring the remaining few buttons still undone, Tai rubbed his forehead in exasperation, releasing a puff of air through his kiss-bruised lips.

"I don't want to get into this right now."

"Then when?"

A guilty frown overtook Tai's face. Matt folded his arms across his chest and waited for a sorry reply, but none came. For a while Tai mutely stared at the floor, nudging the carpet with his bare feet like a petulant child being scolded by their parent. In frustration Matt finally threw his arms into the air with a growling sigh and stalked across the room towards his own crumpled clothes. Muttering angrily to himself he fitted himself into his brand new pair of briefs, turning his back on Tai. Looking at the other man would only make him more upset.

"Four months, Tai!" he snapped heatedly. "Four months and not a fucking word from you! Not a phone call, text or even a fucking email, for Christ's sake! Can you blame me for being pissed off at you?!"

Tai didn't reply. He shamefully drooped his head towards the floor and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. Matt laughed humourlessly and placed his hands on his hips, pivoting around to face Tai with a feeble shrug.

"Aren't you even going to at least try to come up with a shitty excuse, or is that the point that we've reached? You don't even care enough to lie to me anymore?"

Matt wasn't even sure what sort of response he was hoping for. Most of all he just wanted to evoke some sort of reaction from Tai - something other than just a pathetic apology. He felt helpless. There was so little he could do to change the outcome of their evening, but at least he knew that an argument would make their parting easier. Anger helped to keep the loneliness at bay for a short while. He would much rather hate Tai than miss him.

Picking up his creased shirt from the floor he brushed the clinging lint from its front with a sneer.

"Fine. Whatever. Just go. I don't need you to-"

"Sora's pregnant."

The shirt in his hands fell to the floor, the drum of cotton against carpet sounding a lot louder than seemed natural. His mouth was still hanging open, ready to pronounce his next hurtful word, but his voice caught in his throat with only a pitiful squeak squeezing through the clenching passage. He whipped his head towards Tai, desperate to see something that would indicate that the man had been joking. Tai was solemn. His expression was that of sincere regret, not mockery like Matt had hoped.

"It was an accident, but it was going to happen sooner or later. We've been planning it for some time."

Matt stood frozen with his hands poised as though his shirt was still held in them. His hearing faded and Tai's voice was drowned by a sharp ringing in his ears that grew in volume as the time passed. The tinnitus that suddenly plagued him isolated him inside of himself. He couldn't distinguish Tai's muffled voice. He couldn't tell if he was breathing or not because no matter how deeply he inhaled he couldn't sate his thirst for air. He couldn't tell if it was the room that was shaking or himself. He had suddenly become wholly numb. He stared at Tai with horror.

Eventually he managed to shuffle towards the bed and heavily dropped himself onto it, his quivering legs unable to support him during the descent. He felt around the bed sheets for something to anchor himself with and found the blankets to dig his fingers into, the embroidered fabric scratching against the tips of his nails. He felt the mattress dip next to him but paid no attention to Tai now sitting at his side. His eyes remained glued to the dirty carpet that seemed to undulate in his vision.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you this way. It was supposed to be a happy thing."

Matt almost laughed at his words. Happy? When would such news ever make him happy? It wasn't as though he would ever be allowed to see the child. It was Tai's and Sora's, not his. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with the woman that Tai had replaced him with. 'Does he think I'm going to congratulate him?' he posited resentfully. That seemed like something you were supposed to do when someone announced a pregnancy, wasn't it? But, Matt found it impossible to be glad. All he could think about was the family Tai was making for himself that in no way included him. All of the secret hopes that he'd desperately clung to - the so many 'maybe's and 'might's - had abandoned him in an instant, vanishing without struggle or a trace of the joy they had once brought him. Matt was left without the comfort of his denial and the reality he found himself cast into was painfully cruel and isolating.

"How far along is she?"

he uttered without realising, barely able to hear his own words. It felt like he was listening to world from the other side of a wall of cotton.

"Two months, entering her third next week."

Matt wanted to reply somehow. He tried to say something, nod his head, wave his hand, even do as little as to just look at the other man, but nothing happened. His muscles had calcified, leaving him as a monument to misery.

"I can't stay. She needs me."

Tai whispered to him remorsefully.

"I really enjoyed being with you tonight. I don't want to leave you like this."

The mentioning of Tai's imminent departure was what finally spurred him to react. With eyes watering with grief, Matt turned look at man at his side. His hands were shaking, desperate to reach out to him but too weak to move.

"Then don't."

he choked out in a quivering voice. There was so much else that he wanted to say. 'Don't go! Stay! Please! Don't abandon me again!' a voice screamed in his head. An arm wrapped around his shoulder, a kiss was buried in his hair, but he grieved for being too numb to feel either of them.

"Please, don't be upset."

Tai pleaded against his neck, his dry lips tickling Matt's pulse. When Matt made no motion to accept or refuse the embrace Tai pulled away on his own with a dejected sigh. Matt sat stoically on the bed as Tai slipped his feet into his shoes and folded his jacket and tie over his arm.

"I'm sorry."

he said again, his miserable voice almost going unheard by the man still sitting motionless on the bed. In three strides he was at the door and pulling it open.

"I'll call you soon, okay?"

Without waiting for a reply he was away and the door swung closed behind him. He was gone, leaving no trace of him ever having been there other than a bed left in disarray. Without his presence the room's silence was suffocating. Matt raised his hands to his face and buried the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, relishing in the aching pain that the action brought. He breathed heavily and deeply, making himself dizzy. He couldn't bring himself to move. This room - their sanctuary - had become cold and empty, absent of the love that it used to contain. He used to think of it fondly. In the very bed that he sat on they had spent hours in each other's arms, kissed until their jaws and tongues ached, buried themselves in each other so deeply that Matt convinced himself that he was only whole when they were joined. It felt like he had spent his whole life waiting for those rare nights, stuck in a Limbo worse than hell. He'd spend weeks and months at a time lying awake in an empty bed waiting for a word from him, staring at the phone that sat silently on his bedside table. This room had been a haven. It was reprieve from the lies and the charades. It was his island of Ogygia - his heavenly prison. It had been all of these things some time ago. Now, it was a husk.

The memories so often churned in his mind that he found it harder to forget than to remember. But, that would never be a problem. Why would he ever want to forget those sacred years? There had been a time - a long time ago - when they would fall asleep in each other's arms, celebrate the morning with kisses, spend a whole day without parting, and never deny the want to embrace or touch. Time was never wasted if it was spent together. Clocks became obsolete. The world was painted in rose. They had been so young back then, and he so naive. He would never have expected that it would come to this; hiding from the world in a hotel, being locked away like a shameful secret. He would think back to those two boys that shared kisses behind the trees in the park and wonder how cruel fate must be to want to tear them apart.

There was nothing left of what they had once been. All that remained was a fallacy - a faint echo of their past romance. When they met now it only ever lasted until the next morning and even that short amount of time was decreasing as the years passed. 'How much longer?' Matt thought. 'How much time do we have left?'. The anticipation of their final goodbye tainted the short moments of pleasure. Now, he was almost wishing that it would end, hoping that he would be finally put out of his misery. He was waiting for the day when Tai would finally tire of him and set him free. After all, that was the only way he could imagine their parting. He knew that he would never have the strength to do it himself. There was too much love left in him. Like a leashed animal, he was doomed to be pulled along by the whims of his owner.

He remained hunched at the end of the bed for far too long. Gravity had pulled the blood into his head, turning his face an unhealthy red and making his pulse thud loudly in his ears. Only when he looked up and saw how dark the sky had become through the window did he realise that he needed to leave. Although it felt that all time had stopped for him, the world outside of the hotel continued on without him. In a hypnotised state he gathered his scattered clothes and dressed himself, not caring that there was lint clinging to his trousers and creases sealed into his shirt. He armed himself with clothes, swung his coat around his shoulders and left without looking back.

After checking out, feeling guilty that he couldn't give the kind receptionist the smile she deserved, he made the short walk to the station. He'd made the journey so many times that he could probably do it blind. He took the shortcut through the miniature park opposite the hotel, bisecting the triangle of damp grass in his new loafers instead of following the pedestrian path around the outside. Entering Shepherds Bush station he felt a familiar paranoia sink in. He couldn't help but notice the way eyes would linger on him as he walked by, thinking that his sin marked his face for all to see. He hurried down into the underground, keeping his head down as he swept by the people lining the right of the escalator. He briskly walked to the end of the platform and in passing glanced at the sign above that informed him that the train would be arriving in five minutes. Five minutes seemed far too long to wait when all he had to occupy his mind was his regrets. If it was possible, he wanted to put his brain on pause and save his miserable dwelling until he got home. For all the effort he exerted trying to sweep his negative thoughts into the back of his mind they refused to be ignored. A picture kept coming to mind; a picture of a handsome man in a navy blue suit kissing his lovely wife, binding their ringed hands together, holding a child that had his charming eyes and her gorgeous hair. It was beautiful as much as it was tragic. The three of them looked so fucking perfect together.

He felt a sob bubble in his throat and forced it down with a soggy cough. The train pulled up in front of him and he skipped on, squeezing himself into the crowd of passengers and pressing himself against the support rail next to the doors. When they closed the thick, sickly stinks of perspiration, perfume and indistinguishable salty foods enveloped him, making him cringe momentarily. He wedged himself further into his corner and did what he could to distract himself. Mentally he studied his 'to do' list; his grocery list; the bills that needed paying; all things mundane and tedious to occupy himself during the journey. With every stop that the train made it became more crowded until his designated standing space was so small that his arms were trapped against his chest and his shoulders pressed into his ears.

Unexpectedly, after hearing a collection of 'excuse me's and 'pardon me's, a warm hand made clumsy contact with his shoulder and after a delayed realisation, questioning whether or not he actually was hearing someone calling his name, he tilted his head to the left to meet a vaguely familiar face.

"Matt! Oh, I'm so glad it's actually you. I thought I might just be making a fool of myself."

The man said with a glad sigh, squeezing himself through the crowd to reach him. Sluggishly Matt tried to recall how he knew the person that had approached him so purposefully. His mind refused to cooperate, unable to remain focused long enough to find his answer. He recognised the rectangular glasses most of all, but not so much the person that wore them. It felt like there was a distinctive feature that this person was lacking -something prominent that made them recognisable. He looked the man up and down quickly, taking in the dark hair that ended at his shoulders and the lanky body, and realised what it was that was missing.

"Doctor Kido?"

Matt supposed and the man's thin lips split apart into a toothsome smile.

"You remember me. It's hard to recognise me without my coat and scrubs, isn't it?"

Matt nodded politely, slightly taken aback to be shown such a genuine smile from a near stranger.

"Yeah, kind of. Sorry for not answering you. I was a bit...distracted."

he mumbled, wiping his hand over his stinging eyes to clear them.

"That's okay. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No, don't worry about it."

The doctor nodded happily, teetering precariously on his feet as the train came to a halt at the next station. When the doors opened a swarm of passengers piled into the carriage insensibly, nudging and pushing their way onto the train without any consideration. Slow to realise the chaos behind him, the doctor had no time to react when one particular passenger fell into him and in turn he fell into Matt, pushing him against the door. Matt released a yelp of surprise more than pain and hurriedly righted his footing to remain standing in what little space was left for him to occupy. Dr. Kido's chest was pressed tightly into his own and Matt looked up to see his face glowing with red.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't hurt you, did I? How's your scar?"

he fretted, trying his best to clear a space between them but denied by the immovable crowd at his back. Matt waved off the concern with an awkward laugh.

"It's fine. You saw it for yourself a few weeks ago, remember? It's practically healed."

"Right, of course. Sorry."

The doors closed behind the tightly packed group of people, leaving Matt and Dr. Kido trapped against each other. There was hardly any space to even look each other in the eye. Matt could smell the detergent in the man's jumper as well feel his minty breath on the side of his neck. When the train began to move Dr. Kido lurched sideways into another passenger, barely caught by an arm that Matt had wrapped around his waist.

"Thank you."

he mumbled, his moving lips close enough to brush the tip of Matt's ear. With more force than the other man had used, Matt pushed at the passengers around them to clear a path to the support rail he had been standing in front of.

"Here. Hold onto that."

he said to the doctor, tucking his arm into his chest to allow space for the other man to reach his hand through the gap and grab the rail. He was thanked again by the man that was still flushed with embarrassment and the two fell into an awkward silence, turning their heads away from each other to avoid forcing their breath on the other's face. Matt stared at the back of another passenger blankly, allowing his mind to slowly empty once again and feeling the sadness that he had forgotten seep back into him. Suddenly the proximity of the other man made him tense in panic, thinking back to the earlier evening. He worried that the smell of sex still lingered on him, that the red tinge to his raw lips was noticeable, or that the marks from teeth were visible on his neck. With a nervous swallow he edged backwards into the door that little bit further until his spine followed the curvature of the carriage wall. He fought helplessly against the urge to conceal as much as he could of himself, paranoid that someone could somehow discover what he had been doing not an hour before.

"I'm not crushing you, am I?"

the man pressed against him asked after noticing Matt's uncomfortable squirming.

"I-It's fine."

Matt stuttered quietly, wondering if Dr. Kido could feel the rapid pace of his heart through their connected chests.

"So...um...how did you get that wound, again? I think you told me you were changing a light bulb?"

Dr. Kido asked with an embarrassed quiver in his voice. Distractedly Matt tried to turn his head to look at the other man only to realise that the position was impossible. He tried his best to seem engaged with the conversation, looking out of the corner of his eye to barely see the side of the doctor's head from where it was tucked over his shoulder.

"Yeah. I was standing on a really crappy plastic bucket. When I slipped I broke the thing with my hip and it went right into me."

"Oh, yeah. I remember, now. Well, I hope you bought a step ladder after that incident."

"You know, I actually did."

Matt laughed, thinking back to his impromptu trip to Ikea on his way back from the hospital. When Dr. Kido chortled his chest bounced against Matt's.

"I remember, you were so calm about the whole thing. I was horrified when you told me that you drove yourself to the hospital."

Matt shyly smiled at the floor, remembering the traumatized stares of the other patients in the waiting room when he'd walked himself into the hospital with a shirt soaked in blood and a shard of plastic protruding from his side.

"I've gotten used to keeping calm in emergencies. I have a little brother, so growing up I had to chase him around all the time to make sure he didn't hurt himself. That boy was an accident magnet."

he chuckled. Over his shoulder he could feel Dr. Kido nodding his head.

"You were very brave. I don't think I could ever be as cool as you were. I was in the opposite position growing up. I have a family of doctors with two older brothers. Every time I so much as scraped my knee someone would rush over in seconds with antiseptic and bandages."

Matt smiled, despite the other man being unable to see it. When they pulled into the next station Matt placed a supportive hand on Dr. Kido's hip for safe measure, catching him easily when the man swayed against the halt of the train. When a few people squeezed their way out of the carriage it made all the difference for the remaining passengers. With a relieved sigh Dr. Kido took a step back into the available space, separating his chest from Matt's. Finally the two men could look each other in the eye and Matt took advantage of the opportunity to better observe the man in front of him. Now that he could recall where he knew the other man he began to better recognise him. Through the patches of his glasses that didn't reflect the lights overhead Matt could distinguish Dr. Kido's familiar dark eyes. When he smiled creases formed in their corners and peeked out from behind the frames of his glasses. He had a quiet, stifled laugh, as though he was embarrassed to be happy. Matt remembered hearing it from the hospital bed, listening to the doctor's terrible jokes he'd used to distract him from the forceps tugging at his gaping wound. Matt couldn't help but compare the other man to a child when he displayed such innocence. Even now, nervously shying away from looking at Matt's face for too long and sucking his cheek in embarrassment, Dr. Kido seemed like a man impossible different from himself.

"So, are you heading home from work, right now?"

The doctor asked with legitimate interest. Matt awkwardly bit his lip. He already knew what his response was going to be. It was a lie he had told so many people in his life, but no matter how often he used it it was still painful to say.

"No, I was visiting a friend."

he mumbled, looking up at the map above Dr. Kido's head to avoid eye contact.

"I am on my way home, though. What about you?"

"I just checked in with my family. I've been overdue for a visit for months."

Dr. Kido replied with a guilty smile. Afterwards he nervously paused, seeming to want to say something else but not having the courage to do so. Matt waited for the man to speak, considering whether or not he should be the one to say something instead if only to dismiss the uncomfortable silence. Finally the man's voice returned and with a timid sideways turn of his head began to speak.

"I-If you're not in a rush to get back, though, would you like to join me for a drink? I'm not working tomorrow, so..."

Dr. Kido stuttered, hiding one of his pink cheeks in his shoulder. Matt raised his eyebrows at the unexpected offer, unsure of how to receive it. It was difficult to determine the other man's intentions while he was hiding his expression. They hardly knew each other, after all. On the one hand, Matt felt slightly uncertain about sharing the evening in the presence of a near stranger but, on the other, he would certainly relish some company while he drank. Drinking alone like he had planned to do would lead only to depression and a sleepless night, as he knew from past experience. Perhaps, he thought, a new friend would help to distract him from his troubles or otherwise keep him company during his commiserating.

Feeling guilty for leaving the question hanging for as long as he had, Matt offered the man an enthusiastic smile, trying his best to conceal his uncertainty.

"That sounds fantastic. There's a few decent pubs in Liverpool Street we could choose from. That okay with you?"

Dr. Kido nodded his head vigorously, looking back at Matt with a genuine grin that was foolishly bright.

"Sound's great."

he laughed and tucked a length of dark hair over his ear.

"My name's Joe, by the way. You can call me that if you want. After all, I'm not your doctor anymore. I don't think there's any need for formality."

"Sure."

For their remaining time on the train neither tried to rekindle conversation, thinking it might be best to save it for later on when they were alone together. When they arrived at the station and exited the train Joe once again suffered a loss of balance and collided with Matt upon taking his first step onto the platform, preceding an onslaught of embarrassed laughter from the both of them. After more unnecessary apologies Matt lead the way out of the station and down the street to the pub, making what he could of light conversation on the way. The pub was as busy as it could be on a Wednesday night, mostly filled with the young and those unburdened by responsibility. Matt felt out of place amongst them and judging by the awkward shuffle of Joe entering the pub behind him he could tell that the other man felt the same. He felt old most of all. The only men he could see that wore a suit other than himself were the ones with silver whiskers and sweat collecting on the backs of their shirts.

With false confidence he lead the way to one of the two booths that were free and sat Joe down before buying the first round, disregarding the protests of his company.

"I'm not much of a drinker."

Joe warned him when Matt returned to the table with a pint of beer in each hand. Matt replied to him with a sympathetic lie, telling him that he wasn't much of a drinker either in the hopes that he might soothe the man's discomfort. Just how unpractised at drinking Joe was, however, became apparent a lot sooner than Matt had expected. After only two beers he already had a case of the hiccups and a cloud of pink had collected across his face below his glasses. He didn't slur or seem any less in control of his inhibitions but Matt was aware of him loosening his tie and fidgeting in his seat uncomfortably and so for their third round of drinks opted for two glasses of lemonade. It helped to sober them both up slightly as well as settle Matt's upset stomach that was empty save for an unhappy mix of gin and beer. The floral taste of the gin still clung to the back of his tongue, tainting the flavour of each sip from his drink. He regretted now not having spent the money on a decent meal instead of alcohol. Every time his stomach gurgled with hunger a short wave of nausea accompanied it that he would quickly wash down with a gulp from his lemonade.

Matt considered partway through the night that the relationship he was forming with Joe had reached the point where the initial discomfort of not knowing each other had been overcome but they were still technically strangers. Everything the other person said was entirely new and interesting information and so it was difficult to run out of discussions. Their conversations were chaste but easy. They talked about their families, their hobbies, their jobs, switching back and forth between topics when relevant. When Matt finally gained the confidence to reveal that he was training to be an astronaut Joe reacted with juvenile excitement and fascination. Matt relished the attention, gladly answering every question and accepting every awed compliment bashfully. It had been a long time since he had talked about his job with someone new and the pride that he used to feel for his work was refortified. Finally there was someone that was interested in his passionate rambles enough for him to not feel guilty about gloating. He had worked hard - was still working hard - and it seemed like such a long time since he had been praised for it.

Despite Matt's apprehension at the night's beginning he was sad to see it come to an end when the bartender announced the final call. Joe and himself lingered as long as they could, placing aside their empty glasses and ignoring the cackling groups that passed them on their way to the door. It wasn't until one of the staff urged them to leave that they finally got up.

They took their time ambling towards the station. The night's wind was brisk and icy but neither worried about escaping it soon. Matt wrapped his arms around his front, tightening his jacket against his torso, and Joe did the same, quivering every now and then from the cold but making no complaint. As the station's entrance came into view Matt was saddened to think that soon his evening in company would end. He would walk home alone back to his empty apartment and his empty bed. Already he was feeling his dormant depression begin to wake once again. The sound of an awkward cough, reminding him of the presence next to him, sent it back to sleep for the moment. He took a short glance at Joe and noticed that the cheek that faced him was flushed with pink.

"Thank you for joining me tonight. I had fun."

Joe said to him in a voice loud enough to be heard over the passing cars. He'd slowed down his walking speed considerably to prolong their time together and Matt complied with the new pace, suppressing the deep shivers that wracked his spine. To soon, they reached the crossing in front of the station and huddled together at the edge of the pavement.

"Me too."

Matt replied with a nod, reaching his arm across Joe's chest to press the button when the other man was too distracted to do it himself. Joe trained his eyes onto the traffic lights in front of them, being obvious in his attempt to avoid eye contact with Matt.

"If it's okay with you, could we do this again sometime?"

he asked after nervously, clearing his throat afterwards with a stifled grunt. With a smile Matt followed Joe's example and looked ahead of him at the station's entrance across the road. He was embarrassed to realise how glad he was that Joe enjoyed his company. He'd been nervous to think his poor conversation skills had ruined their time together. The reassurance that he wasn't a complete bore was the perfect weight to tip his opinion towards the evening being that it was not quite as tragic as it potentially could have been. His mood had brightened somewhat - if only because he had been thoroughly distracted from his troubles - and even his previous plan of drinking himself to sleep when he got home had become somewhat less appealing than it had been a few hours ago. He thought that Joe's capability to cheer him up alone stood for good enough reason to see him again.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

he said with a shy nod. He rocked on his heels and tightened his arms around himself when another icy gust blew through him. Concerned with keeping himself warm he didn't notice Joe take a short step towards him. The sudden kiss that was planted on his cheek was a complete surprise. In shock he brought his hand to the warmed mark on his face and whipped his head towards Joe with his mouth agape. Joe looked to be just as surprised as Matt was. His face glowed with red and beneath his glasses Matt could see his dark eyes wide with panic.

"Did you just-"

Matt mumbled in disbelief, scrutinising the brief moment to convince himself that he hadn't only imagined it. Joe looked mortified - nothing like a culprit should look - and took a step back in horror, nearly placing himself into the path of the oncoming cars.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't realise that-...I'm so sorry!"

he apologised frantically, his words jumbled together from the speed at which he'd pronounced them.

"I didn't know you-"

"I thought that-"

they both spoke at the same time and simultaneously silenced to let the other talk. They stared at each other in silence, anticipating one of them to finally gather the nerve to speak. Distantly Matt noticed the lights change and a crowd walking around them to cross the road, but neither of the two men made a motion to follow.

"So...this was a date?"

Matt finally gathered the courage to ask. Joe bowed his head shamefully, straightening his glasses when they slipped over the bridge of his nose.

"It...I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

he stuttered weakly, hiding his face as best as he could. Matt struggled to come to terms with the situation, still disoriented by the sudden turn in atmosphere. Joe looked completely demoralized. His shoulders drooped downwards, his bottom lip quivered, and slowly he edged away in retreat.

"I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'll just...I'll just go."

he quickly spluttered before turning to leave. Matt almost allowed him to go, finding it impossible to think of something to say or do to fix whatever had suddenly gone wrong. He was still reeling from the dramatic vagary. First, Joe liked him, then Joe liked him, and now Joe didn't like him? It was all so confusing and for some reason he couldn't help but blame himself for the evening's downward turn.

Joe took a step into the road, moments away from rushing across the street, when Matt caught the flashing red of the light overhead. The sound of revving engines alerted him to the danger and in alarm he lunged towards Joe.

"Wait!"

he cried out in panic and managed to snag the sleeve of Joe's jacket with his fingers. With a mighty heave he pulled at what little fabric he had caught and dragged an oblivious Joe back on the pavement before the first car sped forward through the now green light. Joe stumbled clumsily backwards, catching his heel on the edge of the pavement and flailing manically as he fell into Matt's chest. Matt luckily caught him, his arms straining with the weight of the other man but still stubbornly holding him up from the floor. After a moment of freezing in shock Joe used Matt's steady hold around him to lift himself back onto his feet, watching in horror at the cars charging through the place in the road where he had been standing. Matt kept a hand on the other man's shoulder, cautiously urging him further away from the road. When Joe looked at him with likely the intention to apologise for the hundredth time that night Matt couldn't help but burst out into laughter.

"We must be magnetised or something. That's the third time tonight."

he chuckled and slowly removed his hand from Joe's shoulder. Joe, straightening his glasses, nodded his head and laughed weakly.

"I know."

he mumbled before falling into silence and replacing the sad expression on his face. Matt felt horribly guilty, although he couldn't discern exactly why he was only blaming himself for the situation. It might have been because he had spent the past few hours seeing Joe smiling and laughing and now the man was showing a miserable expression that Matt had never seen him wear before, and Matt himself had, if not been the direct cause, at least contributed to it. Joe was such an innocent and likeable person that Matt felt as though he had in some way ruined him by making him upset.

Uneasily he brushed the hair from his face and offered Joe a reassuring yet shaky smile.

"You didn't make me uncomfortable. I just didn't know that...that was your intention."

he said with an awkward laugh, hoping that he might ease the severe tension between them. Joe sighed and hid his expression with his hand when he reached beneath his glasses to rub his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm not very good at flirting."

"It's not your fault. Maybe I'm just bad at taking hints."

"No, really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the evening."

"Stop apologising. You didn't ruin it."

Matt scolded him jokingly, angling his head to try and catch Joe's lowered gaze with his eyes. Joe eventually raised his head, a sheepish smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Sorry. I mean...sorry."

Joe laughed at himself and shook his head.

"I'm just going to shut up now."

he said with a forced exhale. When Matt fell short of finding something else to say that might resolve the situation he took a moment to consider their predicament. He knew firsthand how humiliating and painful rejection could be. He didn't think that he had said anything particularly misleading during the evening but, then again, maybe he hadn't needed to. Maybe the fact that he had so thoroughly enjoyed Joe's company was enough to lead the other man into believing that there could be something more than friendship between them. He had laughed at nearly all of Joe's terrible jokes, but not because he had been purposely trying to flatter the man. Joe's clumsy delivery of his poorly constructed punch lines had been genuinely funny. Matt had never pretended to be interested in what the other had to say. Despite Joe's deceptively plain appearance, his sincere and honest personality just seemed to draw Matt in. Joe was truly fascinating and even now Matt could think of a hundred more questions that he still wanted to ask him. The thought that they would part ways permanently in a moment's time was heartbreaking.

"If I haven't offended you too badly, I'd like to do this again. That is, if you still want to."

He said uncertainly. Joe quickly raised his head. His eyes were wide with delight and a goofy, open mouthed smile overtook his frown.

"Ye-Yes! Yes, I do! I do want to!"

Joe blurted out with alacrity, stumbling over his words in his eagerness to reply. Matt delighted in seeing Joe's bright smile returned. With a grin of his own, Matt nodded his head.

"Good."

A thoughtful and hesitant expression appeared on Joe's face.

"And...uh...you don't mind that this was a date, do you?"

he began to ask, but quickly shook his head before Matt could reply, disregarding the question.

"Sorry. Ignore that. I'm being rude."

Matt sighed, feeling powerless against Joe's determination to upset himself. Despite Joe implying that the question didn't need an answer, Matt thought about it anyway. Did he mind that Joe had asked him on a date? No, not really. But, perhaps that was because that he hadn't suspected that it was a date to begin with. Be it a date or not, Matt had enjoyed their time together. Other than the kiss nothing else about the evening had implied that the other man had an ulterior motive. Now that Matt knew better he felt more guilty than offended - guilty for raising Joe's hopes, and guilty for another reason, as well. In his situation dating had never seemed like an option. If he ever were to date anybody he knew that it would only end fruitlessly. He'd always thought that it would be cruel to allow someone to pursue him while he had no intention of falling in love with them. He had no desire at all to inflict upon someone else the same misery - the misery that came with rejection and heartache.

Suddenly Matt recalled why he was so miserable in the first place and his train of thought steered turbulently downwards, sobering him completely. Tai - the love of his life - was having a baby. His marriage with Sora, that Matt had thought would only be a temporary arrangement, had planted it roots and affirmed its permanence. He wasn't going to divorce her; not while a child was involved, at least. Tai had always had a strong opinion about such matters. He had faith in family. Tai believed that even if there wasn't a romantic love between the parents it was possible to have a loving and happily functioning family. Maybe he didn't love Sora in the same way that he loved Matt but that didn't imply that he had any intention of leaving her, otherwise he wouldn't have married her in the first place.

Unexpectedly, Matt reached a queer revelation in his pondering. If his relationship with Tai was as permanent as both of them believed it was, what did it matter if he found himself a lover? If Tai was inclined to keep a wife then surely it only seemed fair that he was allowed a bedmate. It wasn't as though he was expecting a long term relationship with anyone other than Tai. If he ever were to find a boyfriend it would purely be for the sake of having company. Maybe an affair was precisely what they needed - something to break the cycle of fight and fuck that they'd been repeating for the past few years. Matt could enjoy his time with someone else, do all the things that couples are supposed to do that he felt he was missing out on, and then return to Tai with a fresh perspective. And, even so, there was no guarantee that he would actually enter into a relationship with Joe. It was just a date. People went on dates all the time, didn't they? Well, not that he'd had much experience in terms of dating, but he'd been exposed to the idea enough to gain a reasonable understanding of the process.

He looked at Joe and thought to himself that he wouldn't at all be adverse to the idea of being in a relationship with him. Joe was considerate, honest and endearingly sincere. Matt thought that if he ever were to find a lover the man before him seemed like the perfect candidate and he even managed to convince himself that he wouldn't necessarily be deceiving Joe. He would be as faithful as he could considering his circumstances. It was only a matter or foretelling the temporary condition of their relationship. For all he knew, Joe might not even be entirely attracted to him. They'd only known each other a short while. Maybe, after a few more dates, they would decide that they would be better off as friends. In which case, there would be absolutely no issue with him seeing Joe again. They could have a few dinners together, spend a bit of time kissing and holding hands, and then a month or so later his life would return to exactly the way it used to be with the only change being Matt having a slightly more cheerful outlook. The idea of an affair was seeming more genius the more Matt thought about it.

Later that evening he would blame the alcohol and the morning after he would blame his misery but, whatever the cause, Matt's abrupt decision would change everything for him.

"Since I wasn't aware this was a date I don't think it technically counts as one."

Matt commented slyly, glancing at Joe with a mischievous smirk. Joe looked confusedly at him, as though he wasn't sure whether he should be either offended or relieved by the statement. The answer became clear however when Matt raised his hand and intimately rested it on Joe's shoulder.

"I think it's only fair that I give you another chan-."

His words were unexpectedly stifled by a pair of lips suddenly covering his own. Just like the first kiss Joe gave him, the second came swiftly and without warning. It was soft and chaste with barely any pressure behind it. His lips grazed only lightly across Matt's before quickly pulling away. When Joe looked into Matt's eyes he did so with a gentle smile.

"Thank you."

Matt ignored the hurricane in his stomach and nodded his head. Already he was questioning whether or not he regretted the choice that he'd made.

It was the time of year where the days drew out into the night. It was still light outside and the blazing, summer sun was blinking its reluctant goodbye at the edge of the skyline, slowly sinking behind the horizon of buildings that Matt observed from the hotel room. He sat in the chair by the window, lightly sipping on a glass of water and watching the yellow tinted clouds with a pensive frown. He'd been thinking about this night for the past two months, fraying his nails with his teeth, restlessly pacing and worrying at every opportunity. He'd set himself a plan; this time not how to begin the evening, but how to end it. It had taken him a week to decide it and now there was no way for him to back out. Tai would arrive at any minute. Matt felt more underprepared than he ever had before. To avoid arousing suspicion he hadn't bought a new suit for the occasion and instead wore a plain white shirt and slacks with barely polished shoes. Even his hair, usually styled to perfection, was slightly out of sorts. He was now so used to having it complimented in any sort of condition that he found it difficult to find the motivation to spend twenty minutes at the mirror styling it. The soft, blond locks curled around his face, tickling his cheeks when he turned his head.

The familiar knock on the door disturbed him from his thoughts. Calmly, taking his time, he placed his glass on the table before him, eased out of his chair, and approached the door. One last soothing breath was drawn before he rested his hand on the cold handle and pulled it open.

Tai was wearing his navy blue suit - the one Matt had always loved - and looking at him in a way that had always weakened his knees.

"Hi."

Tai greeted with a impish smile and sifted his fingers through his messy hair. Matt stepped aside and smiled as well as he could, hidden behind the door his hand was still gripping tightly to its handle.

"Hi."

Tai sauntered into the room, his sickly strong cologne assaulting Matt's nose as he swept past him. Matt closed the door behind him, locking them in privacy. He remained where he stood and watched as Tai went through the motions of removing his jacket and folding it over the back of the chair. All the while Tai was staring back at him with an inviting smirk, making a performance of seductively slipping his tie from under his collar. Fluidly the tie followed the arc made by his arm and fell through the gap between his fingers, sliding onto the floor. Tai reached a hand towards Matt and beckoned him with a curling finger. Matt's supply of courage dwindled quickly. Nervously he swallowed the saliva that had collected under his tongue and crossed the room towards the other man. Tai's outstretched arm passed over Matt's shoulder and around his neck, tugging Matt towards him forcefully. With a low chuckled Tai travelled the final distance to Matt's lips and trapped them between his own.

Their kiss was so well practiced that Matt could meet every motion before Tai had even made it. He barely had to think about what was happening. He reacted automatically, meeting Tai's tongue with his own, tilting his head with the hand that cupped his neck, and grazing his teeth against the lip that was offered to him. Tai's kiss was, for several uncertain reasons, less exciting than it usually was. The inside of Tai's mouth was unpleasantly tepid and wet. The bitter taste of tobacco could be found on Tai's tongue, slightly stinging Matt's own when the muscles slid against each other. Even the flavour of sugary coffee that Matt used to find so delicious now seemed that little bit too sweet for his liking. When he finally managed to pull away it was with an uncomfortable smirk.

Tai brushed his fingers down Matt's arm until they slid between Matt's own and sealed their hands together. He began to slowly lead them towards the bed and a sense of panic awakened in Matt as the moment approached. Tai slipped out of his shoes and stepped up onto the mattress, waiting on his knees for Matt to join him. Matt followed suit, becoming aware for the first time of how noisy the bed springs were. The squeaks of resistance were cacophonous in the room's silence and through the windows he could hear every passing car and pedestrian.

Reluctantly he allowed Tai to lower him onto the bed and crawl on top of him. He felt trapped - cornered like prey. Tai flicked open the top button of Matt's shirt and pulled apart his collar, planting a kiss beneath his ear lobe.

"Go on then."

he whispered before tracing the rim of Matt's ear with his tongue. Shakily Matt placed his hands on Tai's shoulders, closing his eyes to try and concentrate on the sensation of lips at his neck instead of the sound of his thudding pulse in his ear.

"I...broke my bass."

he mumbled uncertainly, sensing another button on his shirt being removed from its hole. From the windows' seams a cold wind seeped into the room, chilling his exposed skin.

"I started taking cooking classes."

Tai replied, digging his hands underneath Matt's shirt. Matt flinched. Tai's hands felt unfamiliar- like a stranger's hands. They didn't cradle and caress like they should. They clutched and clawed, marking his skin with fingerprints and scratches from his nails. He wrapped his arms around Tai's chest with the hope that if he focused more on who he was with rather than what was happening he could relax his nerves, but the chest he held wasn't the one he recognised. It was broader and firmer. The shirt he gripped was stiffly starched and stank of a woman's perfume. It felt different. It felt wrong. As much as he wanted to savour Tai's affections there was a sickening thought pulling at his mind. There was someone else that he was thinking of - someone whose kiss was being washed away by Tai's.

He clenched his eyes tightly shut, dreading what he was about to do. When Tai moved closer to kiss his lips Matt turned away to press his nose into the mattress.

"I met someone."

he mumbled. Tai's lips landed on his ear.

"I got food poisoning in Singapore."

"Did you hear me? I said, I met someone."

"I heard you."

Tai laughed and continued on, hooking a finger under the hem of Matt's trousers.

"Tai, I met someone!"

Matt exclaimed, bringing a hand to Tai's shoulder and forcing their bodies apart. Breathing only slightly heavier than normal, Tai scrunched his brows together and tilted his head at Matt, his hands persistently attached to Matt's hips.

"What are you talking about?"

he asked with a confused shrug. Matt shamefully lowered his head, quickly reconsidering a more tactful way of making his confession. During his moment of thought Tai had grown impatient. He dug his fingers into Matt's back with an agitated snort.

"I don't have time for this."

he growled and pulled Matt towards him only to be pushed away a second time with more force.

"That's the problem I'm trying to talk to you about!"

Matt snapped at him and edged towards the top of the bed, away from Tai. Tai sighed and sat back on his knees, rubbing his hands over his eyes in frustration before letting them drop onto his thighs and staring pointedly at Matt.

"Fine. I'm listening."

he said with an annoyed bite to his voice while his fingers were drumming impatiently against his knees. Matt looked at them with an insulted frown before raising his eyes towards Tai's.

"I'm moving in with him next month."

Tai cocked his head and pulled his lips against his teeth, as though he was disgusted by the statement.

"Wait. What? 'Him'? It's a man?!"

Tai momentarily squinted his eyes at Matt in silence, trying to translate his expression it seemed. He was making the same face that Joe would make when he tried to read without his glasses. After an awkward silence, where Matt waited for an appropriate reaction, the muscles of Tai's face suddenly slackened and his eyes bulged in shock.

"Hold on a second. Do you mean met as in 'met', or met as in 'you're fucking him'?"

Matt cringed, annoyed by how easily Tai could offend him. Having his relationship summarised in such a crude way made it feel like an insult, no matter how accurate it was.

"Why do you have to put it like that?"

he moaned and in embarrassment hid his eyes behind his hand.

"Because that's what it is, right? You're fucking him!"

Tai tersely replied, putting as much emphasis on the offending word as he could without compromising Matt's understanding of it. The way Tai pronounced it was almost as nasty as its implication. Matt's reverent approach to the issue now seemed inadequate. He felt demonised by Tai's words; like a traitorous whore instead of a victim of circumstance. Angrily he gritted his teeth and removed his hand from his face.

"Fine! I'm fucking him."

he hissed, matching Tai's vicious expression with his own.

"But, that's not the-."

"Shut up! Just...what the fuck is going on here? You cheated on me?"

Matt reeled back in shock, insulted by the hypocrisy of Tai's question.

"Cheated?! How could I cheat on you? We're not in a relationship! I don't even know what this is anymore!"

He shouted furiously, gesturing to the both of them with his hands in emphasis. Tai scoffed, ignoring Matt's outrageous comment and instead focused on the shocking admission of guilt.

"I haven't been here two minutes and already you're starting this argument again? Where the hell is this coming from? How long have you been seeing this guy?"

Matt broke eye contact and drew his eyes towards the floor beside the bed.

"Since September."

he mumbled reluctantly, tensing himself in preparation for the argument to escalate.

"What?! That long?! And you didn't think to tell me?!"

"Well, how was I supposed to bring it up? I didn't know what was going to happen or how serious it was going to get. Besides, I haven't seen you since February. You've been so caught up in Sora's pregnancy I didn't how I was supposed to-"

"Oh, I see what's going on here."

Tai said in a strangely calm, almost amused tone. Matt returned his gaze to Tai's face to see him wearing an unsuitably smug smile. For a moment he worried that the other man might have lost grip of his sanity.

"You're trying to get back at me for ignoring you recently, right?"

he said with a uncomfortably forced chuckle.

"What?! No! That's not-"

"Like I said before, I'm really sorry about that. I've apologised a hundred times already. Sora and I have been really busy with the baby and -"

"This isn't about that!"

Matt belted out in frustration. The way Tai was dismissing the issue - patronising him like a parent would an upset child - made him feel trivialised. He couldn't help but think that Tai was mocking him somehow, although there was nothing that he had said that was clearly derogatory. It was the way he was smiling and shaking his head, offering petty comfort with insincere apologies and excuses.

"Okay, I get it. You feel neglected. After Sora and I have settled into a routine I'll organise a weekend for just you and me. We could go to that hotel in-"

"I told you, it's not like that! I'm being serious!"

Abruptly and unpredictably, the false smile on Tai's face fell apart and his eyes steeled with ire.

"No, you're not."

he replied with cruel coldness. Matt was dumbfounded by Tai's barefaced denunciation. Shocked and confused, he stared at Tai's scowl perplexedly.

"What...what the Hell are you saying? You don't believe me?"

he uttered in disbelief. Tai sighed angrily.

"Just, stop it, Matt. I'm fed up with your bloody mind games."

"This isn't a game! I'm serious! I'm the most serious I've ever been!"

"Shut up!"

"I love him!"

His words rang clear, piercing the silence like laughter at a funeral. Matt had not only stunned Tai with his declaration, he had amazed himself by how confidently he had been able to blurt it out. He had mumbled words with a similar sentiment to Joe a few times, often when he was half asleep, but never had he been so certain of the truth behind them until that moment. The thought frightened him.

In a desperate need to escape he launched himself off the bed and fled to the other side of the room, turning his back on Tai who remained staring at the wall as though Matt's face was still there. Matt scraped his nails across his scalp firmly, dragging his hair towards the back of his neck and combing through the tangled ends. He could hardly believe what he had just done. Although brash and impulsive, he wasn't sure if he regretted it, or if he should regret it. It hadn't been a lie or an exaggeration, he realised, but never had he noticed how true it was. He had never the opportunity to think about it so seriously, always deterred from doing so by a reminder of the promises he had made to another young man in his youth. But now he'd found the clarity he had needed to admit it and not doubt himself. He loved Joe. He loved him in a way he never thought he could do for a second time after the first had brought him so much suffering. The understanding of his feelings made him as happy as it did sad.

Calmly he lowered his hands from his hair and turned to Tai, raising his head in confidence.

"I love him, Tai."

he admitted again, with both joy and sorrow in his confession. Tai closed his eyes, nodding his head stiffly.

"I heard you."

he barely uttered, warping his words with a breathy sigh. As much as Matt had meant what he'd said, he did not take any pleasure from seeing how upset it made Tai. All traces of Tai's anger had gone and now he looked only miserable. He had raised his hands to his face and dipped his head to meet them, shielding his despair from Matt's gaze. Matt wanted to console him, but new that there was very little he could say that would do so. Uncomfortably he crossed his arms over his chest and approached the bed.

"It's...I had no idea it was going to be like this. It just...happened."

Tai showed no sign of hearing him; he only slumped further forward until his forehead almost touched his knees, his back arching with every deep, strained inhale.

"How?"

Matt barely heard him ask.

"Well, he-"

"How could you do this to me?"

Matt's sympathetic reply quickly sank back down his throat after hearing the rest of Tai's question. With a derisive chuckle he bit his bottom lip and leaned over Tai's crumpled form.

"You think this about you?"

he asked with sarcastic amusement.

"What I've done is no different from what you did to me five years ago."

Tai sat up abruptly and slammed his hands onto the mattress, Matt barely managing to pull away before Tai's head could crash into his nose.

"Of course it's different! You're with a man!"

he exclaimed in outrage, piercing Matt with an affronted glare. Matt sighed and shrugged.

"So, if I'd met a woman and married her, like you did, that would make it okay?"

he posited aloud, genuinely uncertain of what the answer would be. Tai frowned thoughtfully and lowered his head, keeping his answer to himself. His efforts to save Matt's feelings were fruitless. Matt knew his answer by just looking at him. Matt turned around to seat himself on the bed and soon enough Tai joined him, crawling across the bed to sit next to him but keeping at a safe distance. Matt wiped his brow and pulled back the hair that hung over it.

"This whole arrangement is just...fucked up. It's fucked up! How the hell did we end up like this?"

Next to him Tai was nodding his head in agreement.

"My marriage it...it wasn't supposed to get between us."

"Well, it did."

Matt spat.

"It just doesn't make sense to me anymore! Why do you get to have a wife and a kid when I have to go back to an empty apartment every night? The only time I get to see you is when you give me the fucking courtesy once every few months of inviting me to this shitty hotel so you can fuck me and ditch me! She gets diamonds for her birthday and I get a text - not even that much, sometimes! Does that seem fair to you? Am I making it clear how fucking miserable my life has been? I'm almost thirty years old, for Christ's sake! It's pathetic! I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of waiting for you!"

All the words he had kept to himself over the years were spewing out of his mouth; angry and mournful words that had kept him up so many nights.

"I didn't know that was how you felt."

Tai replied quietly, still in shock from Matt's outburst.

"You should have said something."

"Why should I?! If we're in a relationship - like you say we are - why should I need to tell you to care about me?! Sometimes you make me feel so..."

There were too many ways for Matt to finish that sentence that he couldn't decide which would best communicate how wretched he felt; worthless, unimportant, stupid, used, and synonyms alike. In the end, he didn't have the heart to choose between them and instead concluded his sentence with an infuriated exclamation of

"Fuck!"

He kicked the mattress with his heel and threw his head back with painful force, breathing laboriously and hooking his hands at the back of his neck. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with anger - not at any one thing in particular, but his entire situation. He hated the tedious argument that they were having for the hundredth time. It always ended the same way, with Tai being unable to understand what had gone wrong and Matt forgiving him because it was too exhausting to explain it. Almost every fight had taken place in this room, tainting every piece of furniture with memories of shouting, throwing, punching, and crying. The room was haunted by his own angry ghost.

"I am sick to death of this fucking hotel!"

he thought aloud, glaring at the room around him in revulsion.

"I can't stand it anymore! I swear to God, I would burn this place to the fucking ground if I thought I could get away with it!"

he snarled, but quickly his scowl softened. The excruciating rage that had been filling his head with screaming demands for violence had suddenly just...quietened. What it left behind was small, and scared, and sad.

"I didn't know what to expect when you married her but...I didn't think it was going to be like this."

There was no anger any more. In truth, he hadn't been angry at all. What seemed like fury was mostly frustration; frustration at himself, at Tai, and at the rest of the world. He breathed out a quiet sigh and clasped his hands together under his chin as though in prayer.

"You chose her over me and...I didn't even fucking notice."

he mumbled despairingly.

"I was..."

Matt swallowed thickly, forcing himself to speak what he had been too proud to admit all this time.

"I was lonely, Tai. Being away from was torture. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even smile without you."

he said, laughing pitifully at himself. Tai softly placed a hand on his back.

"I didn't choose her over you, Matt. I would never do that."

Matt shook his head, tears welling at the brims of his eyes.

"I'm tired of lies."

he looked at Tai pleadingly, arching his back away from the hand that sought to comfort him.

"Be honest with yourself - for both our sakes - if she called you while you were with me you would run to her in a heartbeat. As much as you've tried to deny it, you love her."

Tai wisely didn't try to rebuff Matt's claim. It was true. All along he had denied it to Matt and himself, but there was no escaping it now. He loved Sora. She was his wife, after all. How could he live with her, sleep with her, create a child with her, if he didn't love her?

"But, I love you too."

Tai whined pathetically. Matt straightened his back and looked squarely at him.

"Then, why are we here? Why did you marry her? Why have I been kept like some dirty secret all this time? You won't even pretend to her that we're friends. She doesn't even know I exist! I knew you first! I loved you first! Why was I not enough for you?!"

Matt really did want to cry at that moment. He'd been holding in his tears for five years. Perhaps if he hadn't stifled them, if he had let them free on the night that changed everything, things would have been different. But, it was too late now. Crying wouldn't serve a purpose anymore. He gritted his teeth and forced back his sobs yet again. There was too much left to say.

He wiped his arm across his eyes to clear them.

"This guy I met...he's the best thing that could have happened to me."

he said, comforted by his thoughts of Joe. He didn't notice the melancholy smile that tugged at his lips.

"For the first time ever, I don't feel ashamed of myself. I'm not hiding or pretending that we're just friends. He holds my hand in public. We go on dates. He sleeps with me - and I mean actually sleep - and, no matter how clumsy a cook he is, he even makes me breakfast the next day."

A quiet chuckle escaped him when he recalled his mornings with Joe. Matt had come to love the smell of burnt pancakes in the morning. He never minded that his morning coffee had too much milk in it, or that his eggs had only been half scrambled, because they were always served to him with a smile and a kiss. He would gladly eat a whole loaf of burnt toast if it meant that he could wake up with Joe every day. Mornings, that had for so long been met with silence and empty beds, now woke him with warm arms and soft lips.

His smile lengthened into a frown when he looked at Tai.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to him. It's not fair."

He took Tai's hand that rested on the bed and looked deeply into his teary brown eyes; the eyes that, over the years, he had spent days staring into with love.

"I love you, Tai. I think I probably always will."

He gave the hand in his own a weak squeeze and then, with a mournful shake of his head, returned it.

"But, you don't make me happy anymore."

Tai clenched his hand tightly, the ghost of Matt's touch remaining in its hold.

"And he does?"

he asked in a voice so weak and quiet that it was barely heard. Matt nodded.

"So happy that it scares me."

More than scared - Matt was almost terrified of the indelible love he had for Joe. Every happy memory that they had together was sullied by the fear that history might repeat itself. On quiet nights, when he was tucked safely into a warm chest, he wondered if the next day would be the day when Joe would tell him that he'd found someone else. He saddened himself so often with imaginings of Joe standing in a church, looking back at a white gowned bride. Matt had fought so hard not to get too attached to the man - to ready himself for the second man that he'd ever loved to push him aside like the first had done so cruelly - but it was hard to stay indifferent when Joe seemed so determined to bury himself into Matt's heart. With every kiss and whispered word Joe dug that much deeper into the icy wall that Matt had erected around himself.

Tai's breathing was broken with shudders. His head drooped downwards in grief. Matt found the courage to edge closer and softly cupped Tai's chin.

"It's not about you."

he sighed. He lifted Tai's head to look at him and with a gentle thumb wiped the watery corner of Tai's eye.

"I just...I don't want an affair. I want a relationship. I want someone to share my life with. If I stay with you I'm only ever going to be second string and I love you too much to accept that."

Tai's hands clamped down on Matt's, holding them tightly against his cheeks. His head was nodding weakly. Pleadingly he stared deeply into Matt's face, his teeth gritted in pain. Matt sniffed quietly. He leaned in towards him and pulled Tai's face closer so that between them his lips met with Tai's forehead. His lips were barely puckered when they landed, but they didn't pull away. They lingered while Tai's hair tickled his cheeks and nose. Tender moments like this had become regrettably rare. It had been so long since they had simply been together, untainted by lust, that in this embrace they finally recognised each other.

Beneath the perfume; the fabric softener; the smoke; the coffee, there was a faint scent that Matt was able to trace in their closeness. It was the scent of pine and grass. It was a scent that could transcend time. It was present but also past. It was the same smell that used to linger in their bed and reached him through every kiss he had shared with Tai. It permeated his skin and his clothes. To finally find it again - only in their last moments together - was agonisingly tragic. He breathed it in deeply, savouring it, and then, fighting against the magnetism of Tai's warmth, he pulled away. The warm air that was shared between them grew cold once again and no longer were they close enough to trace the pattern of the other's breath.

"I don't regret any of it, but I think we both knew it wasn't going to last."

Matt said with a remorseful smile and stroked his thumbs over Tai's warm cheeks.

"You'll be fine without me. You have a family, now - just like you always wanted."

His fingers slipped out from under Tai's, a dying heat lingering in their wake. He didn't wait for a reply. He feared that if Tai asked him to stay that he might not have the heart to leave. That wasn't an option anymore. He had someone waiting for him. He had a life to return to - or, at least, a different one. He hoped, for both their sakes, that Tai would stay silent.

Matt stood up from the bed. He crossed the room to his jacket that he'd left on one of the chairs and folded it over his arm at the same time as toeing his feet into his shoes. Tai was still sitting on the bed watching his feet. Matt wanted to say something. Not long ago he could have thought of a million things he'd wanted to tell the man, but none of them mattered anymore. It would be a waste of breath to say anything else. Nothing could change what was about to happen. He looked at the door he was about to leave through and thought that it looked a lot bigger and heavier than it ever had before. Just as he turned to face it he heard a desperate cry.

"Wait!"

Matt only turned in time to catch the body that was thrown against him. Tai's arms strangled him and clawed his shoulders.

"I'm sorry."

Matt raised a weak hand and rested it against the small of Tai's back. He felt his eyelids quiver and a line wetting its way down his cheek. He wiped it away onto Tai's neck and buried himself into the embrace.

"Me, too."

he whispered with a shudder and slid his arm tighter around Tai's waist. They held each other tightly, dreading release. Shakily sighing into Matt's ear, Tai planted a desperate kiss above the other man's shirt collar.

"I love you. I'll always love you."

"Me too. I love you, too."

They pulled away gradually and reluctantly, bumping the corners of their mouths together in the process but resisting a kiss. Despite his swollen eyes and twitching cheeks, Tai did his best to smile. Just as Matt had done for him earlier, he wiped away a stray tear from the corner of Matt's eye with the pad of his thumb.

"I'm glad that he makes you happy."

Matt wanted to take back his tears and cry them again. Tai couldn't have said anything better or worse. He was glad that Tai was letting him go, but a part of him wished that Tai wouldn't give him up. Love was such a confusing and evil thing. He nodded his head softly, unable to find the will to smile.

"Thank you."

he mouthed. Tai stood silently before him, waiting for Matt to take his chance to leave, but Matt wasn't sure how to go about such a thing. He was so used to leaving the hotel with the words 'I'll see you soon' or 'I'll call you later', but this time neither of those things would happen. This time he was going to leave and never come back. 'Goodbye' seemed so inferior. He needed an orchestra and rain; something more than just silent gloom. But, why should they deserve such an extraordinary end? The world wouldn't change when he left. Everything would continue on as it always had. This room would still exist even without him visiting it every few months. The bed would still be there, with no one knowing that two people had shared and ended a life together under its sheets.

In the end Matt left without another word. The door that had looked so big and heavy opened easily and shut silently behind him. No one was upset that he hadn't said goodbye. Everything was quiet and calm, as it usually was. The door didn't swing open again. He didn't burst into flames. The hotel didn't crumble into dust. Life went on. As he made his way down the hallway he traced every detail he could of the path that he would never walk again. Maybe one day he would find something that reminded him of this sacred place. Maybe it would bring back painful and beautiful memories. Or maybe, a long time from now, he would forget it completely. Maybe he would never think about this hotel again.

He travelled down the winding stairs, waved goodbye to the smiling receptionist that had greeted him many times before, and stepped out into the street. The evening was warm and the sky still showed traces of light from the sun that hid from him on the other side of a wall of buildings. He stood by the hotel's entrance and stared down his usual route to the station. He took out his phone from his jacket pocket and scrolled though the contacts, all the way down until he reached his name.

'Are you sure you want to delete this contact?'

he looked at the letters for the last time, hesitantly stroking his thumb over the button to confirm the request. Was he really sure? Matt didn't know. He felt fresh and new, but also scared and weak, like a foal taking its first step away from its mother. Without all the plans that he'd made the future seemed so distant and unknown. He didn't know if he would regret leaving Tai. He didn't know if he'd love Joe forever. He didn't know if he would love anybody forever. But, at least there was hope. He had a chance, now. The door to his past had been closed and now a big and scary world stood before him, waiting to be explored. Would he turn back...or would he choose to take his first step?

He lowered his thumb onto the confirmation and the name was erased.

He travelled back to his apartment in a daze. He couldn't decipher how he was feeling. He was sad but he was something else, too. On the train he caught himself thinking about Tai. He didn't force himself to think about something else like he usually did. He let his mind wander. He thought about what Tai might be doing. Maybe he'd called his wife. Maybe he'd gone home and kissed his baby goodnight. It didn't make Matt as sad as it normally did to think about Tai's family. Now he could finally say that he was glad that Tai got what he wanted - that he had a loving family. All the love he still had left for Tai he gave to Tai's family. He wished for Tai's son to grow up healthy and happy. He wished for Sora to be as glad and loved as he could have been. He wished for Tai to be a good husband and father and grandfather. Matt wished that he wouldn't be forgotten.

When Matt opened the door to his apartment, expecting darkness, he was surprised to see the lights on and to hear life in his kitchen.

"Hello?"

he called out cautiously and closed the door quietly behind him. As he slipped out of his shoes he heard something metallic clatter onto the floor followed by a series of panicked, quiet curses. Before he could rush to inspect the damage Joe came clumsily skidding out of the kitchen on his woollen socks. He steadied himself just barely and bashfully laughed at Matt's mortified expression. Joe was covered from collar to thighs in what Matt hoped was the remaining stains of tomato sauce.

"Welcome home."

Joe greeted happily and rubbed his hands nervously down his soiled shirt. Already assuming what had happened to cause the mess, Matt didn't bother to ask him about it.

"What are you doing here?"

he asked instead. On Friday nights Joe usually worked overtime at the hospital. Matt had been completely prepared to spend the evening alone and drunk.. Joe abandoned his attempt to clean up his shirt and now wore it proudly like a battle scar.

"Well, I decided to end my shift a bit early and was hoping to surprise you with dinner, but you came back earlier than I expected. Now you get to see the awful mess I've made in your kitchen."

he laughed, sensibly opting not to greet Matt with a hug. Although the statement had been inconsequential to Joe, to Matt it had been a saving grace. He'd told Joe earlier that he would be going out to visit his 'friend' and yet here he was, cooking him dinner in preparation for whatever time Matt decided to come home. Only Joe would do something as kind as this. The man that was driven to the brink of exhaustion by his work almost daily had spent his time cooking and waiting for him. Matt's heart leapt into his throat and Joe had no idea.

"I am really sorry about the mess, by the way. I was going to clean it up before you got-"

Joe was suddenly interrupted by Matt sprinting towards him and latching onto his lips. He almost fell backwards when Matt threw himself at him but luckily caught the wall in time to stop himself. As astonished as Joe was by the sudden action he wasn't going to protest. With as much vigour and enthusiasm as Matt exhibited he wound his arms around Matt's back and hungrily returned the kiss. Neither worried that the red stain on Joe's front had transferred to Matt's white shirt. Matt threaded his fingers into the short hairs at the back of Joe's head and tenderly massaged the lips against his own. He arched his back into the hands that stroked his spine and laughed into the kiss when he felt the familiar nudge of Joe's glasses against the bridge of his nose. He pulled away softly, amused to see Joe dazed with desire. Joe fluttered his eyes open and sighed in awe.

"What was that for?"

he asked breathlessly, licking his tingling lips where the blood had been pulled to the surface. Matt ignored the question and reached up with delicate fingers to pull Joe's glasses off his face and tuck them into the chest pocket of his shirt.

"I love you."

he uttered and leaned in again to rest a soft kiss against Joe's sore lips. Joe's shocked eyes, unobscured by his lenses, stared deeply into Matt's. His arms, still encasing Matt, tightened to the point of being almost painful. This was the first time Matt had said those words. He wouldn't know how much it meant to Joe to finally hear them. The only clue he had was the serene smile Joe rewarded him with and the lips that pressed against his cheek.

"I love you, too."

Matt hummed happily and melted into Joe's tight embrace, tucking his head into Joe's neck and rejoicing in the way they bodies fit together.

"How about we leave that mess for later and order in some pizza?"

he mumbled into Joe's shoulder.

"I'd like that."

Neither seemed to want to pull away any time soon. Matt thought he would never tire of having Joe's arms around him. This was, after all, what he had wanted all along; someone he didn't have to covet and chase. He had someone in his life that belonged to him. There was still lingering uncertainty and fear. He didn't know if his happiness would last, but he was glad to have it. Whether this would last a week or the rest of his life, he knew that he wouldn't regret taking the risk.

I have been working on this fic for AGES! A couple of years ago I typed up this short excerpt of story I was thinking about and then a while ago I found it amongst my chaotic collection of notes. I thought to myself 'I could make this into something' et voila! This half edited mess of a story was born! I hope you guys like it. If you find any serious editing issues I'd be grateful if you let me know so I could correct them.

I've been messing around with epilogues, prologues and alternate perspective stories to accompany this but I'm not sure if I should write them. Maybe this fic works best as a oneshot. What do you guys think? Would anyone be interested in reading one of the accompanying chapters? Let me know and I'd be happy to oblige :).

Anyway, thank you to everyone that read this fic and follows me or my stories. You all keep me motivated :')

I hope you're all having a happy winter time or whatever holidays you celebrate. I can't wait to read your feedback.

Bed. Of. Nails. And. Sandpaper

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