Characters:
Arthur 'England' Kirkland
Alistair 'Scotland' Kirkland
Dylan 'Wales' Kirkland
Alfred 'America' Jones
Jett 'Australia' Cook
Lars 'Netherlands' de Jong

Pairings; British family, British Empire family, NedUK

Summary; Arthur is crying, Alistair is a prick, Jett is an (attempted) hero

Arthur curls up under the table, sobbing. Alistair stretches his legs, casually kicking his feet up on Arthur's side. Arthur yelps, rolls, and continues to cry.

"You're really not helping," Dylan scolds.

"I'm not trying to help, that's why," Alistair says.

"Get your feet off him."

Alistair sighs dramatically, putting his feet back on the floor. He pushes his chair out, grabs a plate and leans down. "Here, Artie. Get up and have a slice of toast with us."

Arthur howls, and Dylan throws a plum at Alistair.

"What? We've got butter, we've got jam, we've got that peanut butter Alfred sends us, we've got honey," Alistair points to the condiments dotted around the table, "We've got chocolate spread, we've even got dripping! We've got everything you could possibly want on a slice of toasted bread!"

"Alistair!" Dylan snaps.

"Sorry, sorry. Practically everything you could want on a slice of toasted bread."

Arthur whines.

"We are, sadly," Alistair pauses dramatically, "Missing just one thing. One thing close to all our hearts. Or a million miles away from it."

"Alistair…" Dylan repeats.

"'Cause you either love it or you hate it, you know?"

"We got the joke, Ali, stop it!"

The window crashes, glass raining over the table, and Arthur jumps up, grabbing a butter knife to defend himself with.

Jett stands, chunk of glass sticking out of his shoulder.

"We have a door, lad," Alistair says.

"I'm here to save the day!" Jett yells. Sometimes you can really tell he's related to Alfred.

"From what?" Arthur asks tiredly.

Jett holds up the jar victoriously. Arthur, without stopping to read it, snatches the jar and tears it open. He digs in the knife, and smears the dark, thick contents over his toast.

Arthur takes a huge crunch of a bite, munching loudly. He pauses. "This isn't marmite, is it?"

"No," Jett says, "Why the fuck would I have marmite?"

Arthur sighs, "Did you bring tea, though?"

"Nah, fuck tea."

"We're all out of tea, y'see," Alistair says, and Dylan glares at him, "Could you run down the shop and grab us some?"

"You don't need to, Jett, have some toast," Dylan says.

"P-G-tips," Alistair says.

"I've never heard of it, but okay," Jett says with a grin.

Dylan growls under his breath as Arthur starts sobbing again. Jett frowns at his Dad.

"This marmite thing's really got to him, hasn't it?" Jett asks.

"He loves himself some marmite," Alistair says, "I, for one, prefer good old bovril."

"I thought you were more of a mustard man," Dylan says sweetly.

"Mustard's got fuck all to do with marmite and bovril."

"Colman's, I think."

"What's your point, Dilly?"

"That's been pulled too."

Alistair stares at Dylan, slack jawed. "What?"

"Enjoy your sarnies without mustard. Oh, and no more viennetta."

"What are you both talking about?" Jett says.

"And no more Ben and Jerry's. It's not just the marmite."

Arthur sobs into his toast.

"What the actual fuck?" Jett asks loudly.

Alistair stares into his mug, then looks up at Arthur. "Which one of us is boning Lars for viennetta?"

"What the fuck?!"

You're possibly wondering what the hell this about.
Basically, this week a Dutch-British manufacturing company called Unilever has got into an argument with British supermarkets (starting with Tesco and spreading to other chains) over prices.
Because the value of the pound has fallen so much, Unilever is making less money, so wants to charge more in Britain. But supermarkets don't want to pay more, as they would have to raises prices which is bad business.
Unilever has since refused to make deliveries to Tesco, and Tesco has pulled Unilever products from its shelvers.
Twitter got into a tizz over marmite, owned by Unilever, no longer being available at Tesco, and #marmitegate was the top trending twitter hashtag for a solid two hours. Seriously.

Marmite is a yeast extract.
Vegemite is also yeast extract, but saltier and usually mixed with more spices a harsher flavour.
Bovril is beef essence. Yep.
Dripping is animal fat.
Colman's is a mustard brand.
PG Tips is a brand of tea.
Viennetta is churned icecream layerd with chocolate.
Ben and Jerry's is a chunky ice cream brand.

I've been working on this story for my local news station all day, forgive me
I own nothing, and I do not claim to own any of the brands mentioned
-Laurel Silver