Author's note: Here comes the Christmas-y story - daily updates, as usual, and reviews more than appreciated.

River

December, 1st

It was supposed to be quite simple but if there was something that Jane had learned in the course of her life, it had to be the pernicious contrast that stood between a list written down in a notebook and the moment each point ceased to be abstract notions to finally embrace reality. In a word: easier said than done.

She wouldn't give up though. Not this time. The vulnerability of her self-confidence had been swept away by an unexpected strength as frustration had begun to grow within herself. If it didn't happen now then she was convinced that she could draw a line under what she nonetheless still saw as a crazy, incomprehensible fantasy of some sort. The lack of reciprocity had ceased to scare her a while ago and a rather paradoxical resignation was now leading her mind like a furious machine.

She had everything to lose but she couldn't care less anymore: it had to come out, to hit the air and make her reality tip over no matter it meant putting a definitive end to the best thing that had ever happened to her.

She was ready.

"I am ready." She locked her eyes with her reflection in the bathroom mirror and nodded at nobody but herself in a way she wanted to be convincing enough. "I. Am. Ready."

Her shaking voice contrasted with the strange mantra that repeatedly passed her lip. It emphasized a subconscious sentiment of uncertainty that she couldn't control. A whirl of what-ifs took advantage of a tiny second of inattention to rise within her mind but she didn't let it win the fight. She stormed out of the bathroom instead, as if the sudden movement would result enough to calm down her nerves, and walked to the living-room of her apartment.

The bright sun of December was piercing through the windows in spite of the early hours of the morning. The sky was blue, of an icy – almost intimidating – nuance. She grabbed her notebook and started reading the list.

She knew it by heart but seeing the words written down gave her a well-needed source of courage. She had ended up seeing her project as a singular Advent calendar; the most sincere one she would ever get to face in her life. It started on December, 1st only to stop on Christmas Day. The only difference with a more traditional one was that a question mark finished it. A big one, almost insolent, that seemed to mock her with all the indifference in the world.

Jo Friday jumped on her lap.

"D'you think I'm crazy?" Jane smiled at her dog. "There's a reason why I didn't say anything to anyone..."

Her laugh fell flat. She cast a last glance at the living-room and stood up: she now had to leave or else she would be running late and it was an extra-source of stress she certainly didn't need. She grabbed her car keys with a shaking hand, waved at Jo Friday then walked out of her apartment with the determination of a warrior.

Nothing would stop her.

...

The smell of desinfectant was particularly strong. Jane wrinkled ner nose but didn't slow down the pace of her steps in the long corridor that led to the autopsy room. The cup of coffee she was holding in her hand warmed up her entire body while the delicious smell of cafeine desperately tried to fight the unpleasant bleach scent.

Stifled laughter reached her ears as she walked by an office. She cast a glance at the room through the door left open ajar: two employees were in full conversation. They immediately stopped the moment they noticed her presence in the corridor.

"Latin name: agapanthus. They are mostly known as lilies of the Nile. Their signification? Secret love." Maura landed desperate eyes on her friend the moment Jane passed the door of the autopsy room. She motioned the bouquet that had been set down on one of the metallic tables. "They have been delivered an hour ago."

Maura bit her lower lip to hold back a moan of embarrassment. The flowers had been sent to her anonymously but she could already say that the mysterious person who stood behind the missive had obviously planned everything because it was almost impossible to find lilies of the Nile in the winter.

These were supposed to bloom in the summer.

She approached a very hesitant hand and brushed a petal of her fingertip. The delicate mauve of the flower oddly matched the gray of the metallic table. The bouquet was neither too big nor too small, just the perfect size.

There was something quite simple about lilies of the Nile - something Maura actually liked a lot - but their meaning was too strong to be a mere coincidence.

"I swear I haven't met anyone, Jane." The tone was almost apologetic. "Nothing has happened lately that could lead me to think that... Well, you know."

Jane had remained quiet until now. She kept on staring at the bouquet absentmindedly and didn't seem to suffer from Maura's sudden panic. The roles were almost reversed: for once Jane was the one who showed self-control while Maura had completely lost her nerves.

"I'm gonna assume there's no note." Jane finally looked up at Maura. She raised an eyebrow and let a mysterious smirk curl up her lips. "The message's rather harmless, that's a start."

The remark caused Maura to blink. She hadn't seen things this way. She grabbed the vase and proceeded to bring the bouquet to her office. Jane was right after all. Having a secret admiror wasn't a tragedy in itself. The choice of flowers wasn't ominous. She needed to take a deep breath and calm down a bit.

"Everyone is mocking me though. It's extremely embarrassing." A powerful emotion caused her voice to break a little. She immediately looked down as if to hide better her disarray. "I really didn't need this; not now."

The last few weeks had been stressful and she didn't need to check her datebook to state that she wouldn't be able to slow down before the holidays. She was tired and in need of a break but it would have to wait: too many requests had landed on her desk.

Jane's heart skipped a beat before an invisible breach to open and hurt. She swallowed hard and tightened her grip on her cup of coffee. She was certain to look just as defeated as ridiculous. The determination she had showed earlier in the morning had been swept away by Maura's remark and she didn't know what to say.

"You're busy, I'll come back later." Her excuse was pitiful but she hadn't managed to articulate anything else. It just wouldn't work. "Here's your coffee."

She set down the cup on Maura's desk then turned on her heels to leave. Her desire to run away was a lot stronger than what she would have ever imagined but then it made sense: her plan was barely starting that it was already a failure.

Good thing she hadn't talked about it to anyone. She felt humiliated and mortified.

"No... Please, stay with me. We haven't had a chance to share our breakfast together. You know this is something I like to do."

Maura grabbed her friend's hand, glad to see that – for once – Jane hadn't tried to make fun of her. She smiled in this way that always made Jane's stomach hurt then motioned her the couch. It was almost 10am and she didn't really have time for a break but the medical files that littered her desk would wait. Jane was her priority for now.

"Are you still coming over for dinner, tonight?" The question was purely rhetorical as Jane always had dinner at her place on Tuesday night. She simply needed a casual conversation to forget about the mysterious bouquet. "There is this recipe I would like to try..."

Jane nodded but didn't say a word. She quietly sat on the couch and let Maura speak instead. The whisper she had managed to pronounce a minute ago had burnt her throat and all she could see was her list that seemed to be now dancing in front of her eyes. Her stupid list.

It was now obvious that the bouquet of flowers was an abrupt start. She should have chosen something else, something subtle. The issue was that she had absolutely no knowledge of subtlety, even less of tact when it was exactly what the situation required. She cast a brief glance at the lilies of the Nile. What had she been thinking about?

And then there was Maura; clueless, bitterly beautiful in all her innocence.

Somehting was happening to Jane, something she hadn't planned at all: a timid guilt was silently passing underneath her skin as the sentiment of fooling Maura grew stronger and stronger. She wasn't using her friend per se but she wasn't being completely honest either and it made her feel bad.

Her project required a minimum of time though. She couldn't simply interrupt Maura and tell her that she loved her. It didn't work this way; maybe if they had been starring in a movie but this was reality and reality imposed different rules, harsher ones. That's why Jane knew that she had to be careful.

Careful and determined.

Then maybe one day she would laugh when thinking about this bouquet of flowers, maybe she would succumb to the singular reminiscence of something sweet; of something that would have ended up determining the rest of her life.

Because she was hopeful, she wanted to believe it could work out.

Amount of days left: twenty-five.