CONTENT WARNINGS: blood and gore, character death, emotional and child abuse, bullying, mental trauma, familial quarrels, summary executions, torture, stalking, body horror, substance abuse

Original author's note: Okay, I'm actually writing up a whole SK universe, but I decided to take a few breaks from writing that and spend my time writing crack stuff. That cover photo is proudly drawn by my right hand and enhanced with my left. This is just for my sick entertainment, but I'm pretty damn happy of this. Shovel Knight is owned by Yacht Club Games.

Updates might be erratic because of unstable internet connection, etc. Around 10 words per letter! Oh, and expect the Order of No Quarter to appear more!

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A is for alchemy.

Plague Knight scratched his head through his hood. 'How am I going to shake Reize Seatlan off of me,' he thought to himself while the young adventurer fell to his knees and pulled his black robe. Just nearby, Mona watched the two in contained amusement.

"I'm paying you anything just to brew me a love potion!" The young adventurer begged at the feet of the little alchemist.

"We last fought three years ago, and you still haven't wooed your girl, kid?"

"Yes!" Reize answered and tugged at Plague Knight's robe, bawling. "Please help me. I'm losing her to someone else!"

"Not a potion, kid." Plague Knight replied, recalling his painful journey with the Ultimate Potion. He wasn't going to let the kid go through what he had gone through. "But… hee, we are quite similar, aren't we?"

Reize sniffed. "Why? How?"

"Let's have a lesson, shall we? You see, hee… Mona and I…" He shyly inched closer to the taller woman, who was internally laughing her head off, and then held her hand. "I tried using alchemy to try and woo her… the potion ended up badly, but she already loved me… so…"

The adventurer stood up and made a look of realization. "Oooooohhh… so that's what you're saying! Maybe she already likes me?" Reize said, and then his eyes shone with determination. He stood up straight with a grin. "She likes me!"

"Wait wait wait, kid, you're missing the point!"

"Alas, Plague Knight! Your advice has reawakened my hope!" Reize thanked before leaping away.

"Wait, kid! I still have…," he lifted his hand helplessly towards the jumping kid, "whatever."

"You didn't even tell him it all boils down to having the proper chemistry, Plaguey." Mona chuckled. "Or better yet, alchemy."

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A is for archaeology.

"Guys, we just discovered a new part of the Lost City!" Mole Knight happily clapped his hands. His minions cheered for him happily. "It's going to be so much fun!"

"Sire, the excavators are ready!" A mole minion reported proudly.

"More anthropologists are on the way." A second said. "Arrival time should be before dusk today."

"How many anthropologists are we expecting?" Mole Knight asked.

The second minion shuffled among his papers and fixed his helmet for better sight. "Two professionals and around forty students, some for field work, others for observation."

"Are you sure? I thought a small class is coming." Mole Knight wondered aloud, but shrugged. "Tell the field workers they're going to have a blast with the Lost City!"

"Demolitions team ready." A third added right on cue. "However, Plague Knight has declined from assisting. He says, 'I have science to do and excavation isn't my kind of thing'."

"Too bad." Mole Knight remarked gloomily. "The rocks are pretty hard to dig through, and he's the perfect one to blast through the sediment."

"Spelunkers packing their bags."

"Linguistics department reading things!"

Mole Knight could barely contain his excitement. "Let's dig!"

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A is for airship.

"Ah, mon ami, isn't the Flying Machine lovely today?" Propeller Knight fondly looked up at his luxurious airship. "Ah, her paint is shimmering today."

"I thought I'm here for upgrades, not paint jobs." Tinker Knight flatly stated, rolling his eyes at his comrade.

"Oui, little tinker! I just want to pause and relish in a moment of admiring my airship." The Frenchman sighed lovingly.

"Go ahead and marry it if you want."

"Oh, yes, if I just could."

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A is for airborne.

"GET DOWN HERE, YOU!" Shovel Knight barked from the deck, shovel raised and Throwing Anchor at the ready. His health was almost depleted, as well as Propeller Knight's health. His usual politeness was gradually being eroded away by the Spin Controller's attacks. Shovel Knight looked so exasperated and grumpy from the ground. Propeller Knight could help that.

Propeller Knight only smirked and summoned his airship from his place in the air. The ship launched large cannonballs, which destroyed part of his deck.

"Going down, petite!" He insulted for a moment as he descended to the deck, landed on the side opposite of Shovel Knight, and pointed his heli-blades at his direction. His helmet sucked in the air and caught the blue burrower in the wind.

He didn't get to watch how the blue burrower fell into the pit. He only got to hear several curses directed towards him once the little shoveler fell off the deck. That was totally not his intention.

"Oops."

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A is for arm.

"Oh no." Treasure Knight mumbled to himself in the dinner table. "I can't move my right arm."

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A is for assistant.

Specter Knight floated aimlessly in his domain, utter boredom filling him, rivaling the boredom Mona exhibited. If there was a contest of boredom, he could actually win. It was a frequent problem for the immortal. There was literally nothing to do. There were no soldiers trying to retake the village he had annexed, no adventurers daring to fight him, no foreign ghosts entering his lair and asking for permission to visit like they needed a passport to enter, and nothing to play with.

He could call for Mona in the nearby village but she was with Plague Knight, who wasn't anywhere within reach. Besides, the apparition didn't like busting up glassware. He desperately wanted someone to talk to if nothing was going to happen. He almost swore he would talk to a Tadvolt that time if no one was going to show up.

"You're hovering aimlessly." A foreigner ghost commented loudly, saving the reaper from desperation.

"You have excellent observation skills." He looked down towards the ghost in immense relief. Insanity wasn't going to come to him for a while longer. He recognized her light dress, which faded away down to her feet. Her lower legs were nowhere to be found. "You still have not left?"

"I was hoping for a job opportunity!" She twiddled her fingers shyly. "I've been dead for quite a long time and I still don't have something to do."

"I do not have anything to do as well, and I have been dead for a long time."

"Can I be your servant? I can entertain. I can fight, too, if you need someone to fight better than the skeletons. They're frankly mindless and brittle. You'd like some additional protection, right?"

He tilted his head in thought. A ghost, an actual ghost, was asking him for work? Well, my undead army isn't mindful of real-time tactics and strategy, and can only blindly attacking living things. I always get defeated with them at my side despite my cunning. He nodded to her. He could use some help.

"Very well. I am placing you under my direct orders. You cannot move independently. You are only to act at my will."

"Really?" She brightened up. "Thank you!"

He didn't know he was going to have multiple headaches, if pain and stress still applied to him, after employing the foreign ghost as his personal assistant.

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A is for accidents.

King Knight strutted in the hallways while alone. He felt great to train himself in the regal art of flouncing. It was his routine; to perfect his kingly strut to absolute perfection before dinnertime. He happily and royally walked his magnificent walk while walking to the dinner hall.

He reached the stairs and decided to practice the stairs version of his prance.

He stepped on a malevolent banana on the middle of the flight of stairs.

He let out an un-kingly scream.

/moments later/

"Tell me," Polar Knight glared at all the knights lying on top of each other, "what happened here?"

"Ah, ah, Polar Knight," Propeller Knight squealed from under Mole Knight, Tinker Knight, and Treasure Knight, "help us first, s'il vous plait."

"I made salad anyway, Polar Knight." Plague Knight rolled his eyes, struggling against the combined weight of Mole Knight and Propeller Knight.

"Sorry guys, I just can't stand up." Mole Knight apologized.

"I genuinely apologize, Polar Knight…" King Knight trembled, fearing the Norse warrior's wrath, "there was a banana in the staircase."

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A is for acid.

"What's that?" Treasure Knight inquired upon paying attention to the small man.

"Thrrs rss mrriatrrc rrcsid." Tinker Knight's muffled voice answered. Treasure Knight inwardly cursed his helmet for preventing sound from properly reaching his ears.

"What is that for?"

Tinker Knight rolled his eyes under the welding mask. He dangled the bottle of acid in front of the gold pillager. "It's for cleaning your copper, brass, and iron to make them a lot shinier, goldbrain."

It took Treasure Knight to figure out what the muffled sentence meant. "I'm taking it."

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A is for apple.

Plague Knight quietly sat on the dinner table wielding a knife in his left hand.

"Are you… the true Plague Knight…?" Propeller Knight asked, reaching into his pocket for his dagger, completely unnerved by the alchemist's unusual behavior. Plague Knight's bird face only turned to him and reached into his pouch.

Propeller Knight almost flew back frightfully.

Plague Knight held out a harmless apple gleefully.

Mole Knight looked on in curiosity.

King Knight suddenly gasped dramatically.

Treasure Knight crushed his own apple accidentally.

Polar Knight watched warily.

Tinker Knight fell off his chair painfully.

Specter Knight sighed disapprovingly.

Plague Knight threw the apple up in a parabolic trajectory.

Most of the other knights followed the apple attentively.

The apple fell back towards the ground and so Plague Knight slashed at it quickly and expertly.

The apple slices fell on the plate, perfect in shape and size, and the little alchemist went to mince and crush a slice to mush with the kitchen knife.

"Hee, I thought I couldn't do that anymore."

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A is for apparition.

The toymaker was busy welding some metal together, just as Specter Knight expected him to. He held a damaged metal boot, sighing sadly at the sight of his right boot's mangled state, which sustained a horrifying small dent somewhere on the upper half.

"Tinker Knight." The visitor called out.

The engineer's concentration was broken, but not in the way the phantom had originally intended. The tiny man yelped in surprise and fell off his stool backwards. Specter Knight shook his head at the tiny tinker's pitiful accident-prone life.

"Oh, Specter Knight! I thought you were a ghost! I was scared for a moment there!" Tinker Knight laughed, picking himself back up to his feet and brushed the dust on his overalls away.

"...I am a ghost."

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A is for appearance.

"Specter Knight, honestly, the cloak is too tattered! You will never achieve fabulousness with that!" King Knight said.

"Servant." The reaper spoke. The ghost maid immediately appeared at his side, wearing a smile too bright for her ghastly nature. Her dress had also changed to match his colors.

"At your disposal! What's your first order, master Specter?"

"Do I appear too threatening?" Specter Knight asked, studying his new assistant closely for behavior.

"Honestly, you look like a balanced form of threatening and…," the maid shook a little in his gaze, "more threatening."

"I am cool anyway, right?"

The assistant raised a brow at the unconventional vocabulary. "Yes."

"Your first order is to make me look cool."

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A is for a lost group of anthropologists.

"Sir, I'm genuinely concerned about our whereabouts." A young anthropology student noted. "We've been following different stars and walking in circles."

"Ssh, I'm finding out where we are." The older anthropologist shushed, holding up his broken compass and sextant.

"We're en route to the Lost City, correct?" The student asked, her brow rising higher and higher as she observed the professional. "We're all tired. How far are we from our destination? It's been two nights since our deadline. I'm not even sure if Mole Knight is still expecting us."

"I don't believe we're lost!" He cackled madly. "It's the Lost City! It's lost!"

"May the gods of the holy boat save us from the terrors of the wilderness."

Up next: B is for banana.