Written by: John

How Moody Got His Eye

"Moody!"

"Yes sir?"

"I see here that you have a request for a replacement for a lost eye."

"Yessir!"

"I'll send you to the medics for regeneration—"

"Nosir!"

"I thought you wanted it replaced?"

"Yessir!"

"But not?"

Moody blinked his one eye. "Maybe sir?"

"What?"

"I cannot answer yes or no, sir."

"Explain."

"I want it replaced with this, sir." He held up an eyeball with no iris and an electric blue pupil.

"I see."

"So will I, sir."

"Indeed. Tell me, Moody . . ."

"Yessir?"

"How did you lose your eye?"

"Fell down a flight of stairs, sir!"

"Where?"

"At home, sir!"

"You live in a single-story house."

"Yessir!"

"So there are no stairs."

"Nosir!"

"So you couldn't have tripped down them."

"Sir?"

"It wasn't a question, Moody."

"Sir!"

"To be sure. Do you want to try again with how you lost the eye, Moody?"

"Yessir!"

"Oh good."

"I was surrounded by sixteen Knights of Wulpurgas, sir! I fought them off at great risk of life and limb, sir! The only damage they did was taking out my eye, sir!"

"Ah. Might I ask where this was?"

"Surry, sir!"

"Oh? Not in Germany?"

"Nosir!"

"And recently, was it?"

"Last night, sir!"

"Not during the second World War?"

"Nosir!"

"So not during the time when the Knights were active, then?"

"Nosir!"

"Do you find anything odd about that story, Moody?"

"Sir?"

"Perhaps you'd like to take another stab at the truth, Moody?"

"Yessir, thankyou sir!"

"Good, good."

"The truth, sir, is that I was raiding Blackbeard's treasure lair."

"Oh my."

"Yessir. I was in the snake-pit (why did it have to be snakes?) and then the arrow traps fired while I was busy holding off the cobras with my wand."

"Really?"

"Yessir! One of the arrows took me ina face, sir. So I had to retreat when I was half-in sight of the treasure, sir!"

"Because of the missing eye?"

"Yessir!"

"I see."

"I didn't, sir!"

"No doubt, no doubt."

"Sir!"

"Does the fact that Blackbeard's treasure was found twenty years ago in the Caribbean have any effect on your story?"

"Sir?"

"You want to think over the details a little, Moody?"

"Yessir! Thankyou sir!"

"Good. So what happened?"

"I was holding off the Mexicans at the Alamo, sir!"

"Really?"

"Yessir! We were surrounded and had no way out, sir. Bullets were flying everywhere, sir. One of them got me ina face with a bayonet when he breached the wall, sir!"

"A bayonet?"

"Yessir!"

"At the Alamo?"

"Yessir!"

"A Mexican bayonet at the Alamo?"

"Yessir!"

"When?"

"This morning, sir!"

"Out of curiosity, where?"

"Cornwall, sir!"

"So, not two-hundred years ago in Texas?"

"Nosir!"

"Hm. That could be a bit of a problem then, Moody."

"Sir?"

"Since the battle in fact took place two-hundred years ago and on the other side of the Pond."

"Sir?"

"Take another shot, Moody."

"Thankyou sir!"

"To be sure."

"I was acting as a rearguard against the Goblins during a revolt, sir."

"Which revolt, Moody? There are so many."

"The revolt of sixteen thirty-two, sir!"

"When did you fight this rearguard action, Moody?"

"Just before I came in, sir!"

"Do you see anything odd about your story, Moody?"

"Nosir! That's why I need the eye, sir!"

"Hn."

"House Elf rebellion?"

"Try again, Moody."

"As Merlin is my witness, sir, it was the fight with the Chimera, sir."

"Chimera?"

"Yessir!"

"Really?"

"Yessir! I won sir!"

"I assumed as much, given your status as a member of the living, Moody."

"Thankyou sir. To tell the truth, sir, it was the Basilisk that got my eye, sir."

"Was it?"

"Yessir! Took a fang to the face, sir."

"Did you?"

"Yessir!"

"How did it manage to get you, I wonder?"

"I was distracted, sir!"

"By the Chimera, of course."

"Nosir! I was busy wrestling the Nundu with my bare hands at the time, sir!"

"I gather you won the fight?"

"Yessir. The hard part was the group of Werewolves and Vampires, sir."

"Oh?"

"Yessir! They had a captive Dementor horde, sir."

"Did they now?"

"Yessir. They unleashed it on me while I was using a dagger to fence with a Manticore, sir."

"Fence?"

"Well, deflect the spines, sir. But it was tricky with the swarm of Acramantula attacking me, sir."

"Acramantula too?"

"Yessir. They had Muggle guns, sir."

"Oh my."

"My thoughts exactly, sir. They were riding tanks at the time, sir."

"Impressive."

"Thankyou sir."

"Singlehanded, were you?"

"Well, I had both hands sir."

"Of course, of course."

"But I nearly lost one to the Dragons, sir."

"Dragons as well?"

"Yessir. The Hungarian Horntail nearly got my hand while I was holding the holding the Chinese Fireball's mouth closed, sir."

"With your hand, no doubt."

"How did you know, sir?"

"It just came to me, Moody."

"Amazing, sir."

"Thank you, Moody. Now, did you finish?"

"Nosir."

"No?"

"While the Dragons were attacking, I almost died to the Flobberworms, sir."

"How?"

"They were vicious, sir."

"Flobberworms?"

"Yessir."

"Vicious?"

"Yessir. Not to be trifled with, sir!"

"Flobberworms."

"Yessir. One of them got my eye."

"Around the Basilisk fang?"

"Yessir. Vicious buggers, sir."

"I'm beginning to see that."

"I'm not, sir."

"Yes, yes."

"I thought they would get my brain, sir."

"Oh?"

"Yessir. They were chewing away, sir."

"Without teeth?"

"Like I said sir, vicious, sir."

"Just out of curiosity, Moody, when did this happen?"

"Just a moment ago sir. Right here in front of your desk, sir."

"During our conversation, in fact?"

"How did you know, sir?"

"I got an O in Divination. I get these flashes sometimes."

"Impressive skill, sir."

"I think so, too."

"Sir."

"You don't find anything the least bit off about your tale, Moody?"

"Sir?"

"Nothing at all strikes you as being out of place?"

"My eye, sir."

"Ah. Anything else?"

"Well, it wasn't a Chinese Fireball, sir."

"Oh?"

"Nosir. It was a Norwegian Ridgeback, sir."

"Glad we cleared that up."

"Yessir."

"Nothing else?"

"Nosir."

"You're sure?"

"Well, sir, if you want the truth, sir?"

"Astound me, Moody."

"I poked it out so I can get the replacement, sir."

"I see."

"I don't sir."

"I think we went over that before."

"Yessir! But I'm still missing an eye, sir."

"I can see that. Please don't comment."

"Sir?"

"Shut up, Moody."

"Yessir. Shutting up, sir."

"I'm going to regret this. Go report to Hospital to have that thing implanted, Moody."

". . . sir."

"Good man, Moody. For my own mental health, I won't ask what that eye can do."

". . . it can see through ladies' clothes, sir."

"Damnit, Moody. Now I have to Obliviate this conversation to avoid liability."

"Sorry, sir."

"Get out."

"Getting out, sir."

(A/N John)

I blame Spoon for this. It's why you're not getting an update to Itachi today.

(A/N Spoon)

I'm sorry.

(A/N John 2)

I should note that I imagine the voices of "sir" and Moody to be Lord Vetinari and Commander His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes respectively.