So, I had this idea while writing the first chapter. About the Grunkles giving Dipper advice on girls. I thought I'd get a message or two asking for a scene where the Grunkles struggle through "The Talk" with Dipper. I didn't. So, whether you wanted it or not, here it is! A snippet. Or… a drabble? One of those. Enjoy!

Previously…

"Heh. Not to worry, Ford. I'm sure between the two of us we can make him sound intelligent and confident without coming off as too much of a jerk."

"Yeah… Yeah. How hard can it be? Prepping your grandnephew for his Prom?"

Thump.

"Ow."

Bump.

"Oof!"

Scuffle scuffle. Crash!

"Ugh! This collar is tight!"

"Come on." grunted Stan. "Let's go help the kid."

Together, the old men ascended the staircase to give the best pep talk they could.

"You're going out with Pacifica, right? That rich chick?"

"Yes, Grunkle Stan. 'That rich chick.'"

"Good. Then you won't need to borrow cash for your prom ticket."

"Stanley! It's incredibly rude to make the girl pay for the date! Surely that hasn't changed in the past three decades?"

"I'm not making Pacifica pay. But I don't need to borrow money either: Mabel's been selling sweaters online, and she lent me the money. She even gave me extra money for emergencies, although by "emergencies" I think she meant Waddles' larder."

"Just as long as I'm not buying."

Ford glowered at Stan. It was greedy and selfish, but Dipper couldn't blame his grunkle. Stan spent a good chunk of his life on get-rich-quick schemes to please Philbrick, and fully half his life trying to bring his twin brother back from the dead. Grunkle Ford still seemed unable to grasp this concept of bitterness.

"Grunkle Stan, you know I'd never come to you for money unless it was absolutely necessary. Now, can you help me with my bow tie?"

Dipper faced Stan and stood to attention. Stan came closer and started tying.

"Parrot… on the shoulder… Fold the fish, at the fattest, part… Drop down the elephant… ears over the trunk… swing counter-clockwise… stuff, and tighten. And voila! This'll get ya past the first six hours." Then he added, under his breath, "I looked amazing, Marilyn…"

"Huh? What was that?" Dipper asked?

"Oh, eh heh heh… Nothing. Just uh… Just a bad memory."

"Who's Marilyn?"

Stan looked away and was silent. "She was my wife… briefly."

"You were married?" Dipper and Ford asked at the same time with differing levels of incredulity.

"For six hours. Not much of a relationship, huh? I've been slapped, dumped, divorced, and almost eaten by all kinds of women. There may or may not be certain rules of thumb that I just don't get about women." Stan sighed, then added, "I guess I'm not the best person to give girl advice."

Dipper and Ford were quiet for a beat. Then, Dipper spoke up.

"Well, the first rule of thumb is, if you can do something nice for someone, you should do something nice for someone. Whether it's paying for the date or changing a tire in the rain. Just be a generally considerate person, y'know? Help people in their time of need, or just help people. Period. That will do more for your chance with the ladies than any cockamamie story you can make up about fighting a dinosaur with your bare hands."

Ford still looked a little addled, but Stan was smiling.

"Heh, you know, kid, if I'd had that advice 35 years ago, you could have had cousins. Well, on your dad's side."

"Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend as much time with you."

"Aw, come on, kid. You're makin' an old man blush!"

Dipper rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Then he turned to Grunkle Ford.

"What about you, Grunkle Ford? Did you meet any nice women in other dimensions?"

Ford responded with the 1,000-yard-stare. He was silent for a beat. Two beats. Four.

After seven beats, Ford shook his head as if shaking off the dust of decades.

"Never question why a woman has the House of Clubs card symbol on either cheek."*

Dipper and Stan stared.

"Well, cough cough that was… cryptic."

"Listen to me, Dipper. Now I've been living with him a few years, that's mild compared to the things I've heard in the middle of the night."

"Now I'm curious. What else have you seen, Grunkle Ford?"

"Dipper, if I told you about every 3^2+K,* every anthropomorphic animal, every historical alien zombie dimension, it would turn your average three dimensional mind into grey matter. Literal grey matter: a puddle of grey goop with not even a wisp of consciousness or form. Trust me, it's better you don't know. In 3^2+K the possibilities are… well, let's just say that anything can happen."

Ford shifted uncomfortably and refused to say anymore.

"Let's just focus on what you're gonna do. What's the plan, Dip?" Stan asked.

"Well, I was planning on calling her and telling her to go outside for something. Like, the moon is a different colour or whatever. When she gets to the entrance, I'll get her attention and give her the flowers. She'll be elated and hug me. We'll go in, dance for a bit, I'll say something suave, maybe get a kiss. And I guess I'll see where things go from there."

Grunkle Stan tapped his chin in thought.

"Not bad, not bad… Though make sure you show off your monkey suit. Strike a pose or something. And say 'Hey, Toots. Long time, no see. Speaking of seeing, you like?' Don't forget to wink. And smile. Let me see you smile."

Dipper smiled.

"Don't smile. Or at least, don't show your teeth. Try a smirk instead."

"Stanley, we don't want him to be confident, not cocky."

"Oh, like you would know anything about being cocky."

"As a matter of fact, I once briefly visited this dimension where the natives communicated by…"

Dipper shook his head, amused smile donning his lips. He watched their back-and-forth in the mirror. Seeing them argue, actually listening and responding, acting so affectionately towards each other, it was a sight for sore eyes.

"Guys, guys. Can we get back to my love life?..."

The room was calm again. The light from a triangular window (unprofessionally replaced) was quickly yellowing. Through said window, the afternoon air buzzed with an ancient energy. A woodpecker alighted on a tree branch and inspected a softer section of bark. On the trunk, just above the woodpecker's eye level, a knothole moved.

This softer patch was curious to the woodpecker. It had never seen scratches in that shape. Three connected scratches. A beak-shape.* A fat beak. No doubt a nut-eating bird. The woodpecker squawked softly, indignant of those bottom-peckers. Over-flying their boundaries. The Woodpecker jabbed at the area in rapid succession, equal parts making a hole to store food and trying to get rid of the pesky nut-eating-bird-symbol.

The knothole focused.

Creeeaak.

*Reference to Miss Heinous from Star vs. the Forces of Evil. Dimensional hopping children's shows unite! I'm sure many of you expected a Rick and Morty reference. No offence, but it's not exactly a children's show. This is a K+ fanfiction, mind you. Rick and Morty, regardless of what actually happens in the fic is at least a T rating. Sometimes M.

*On the original word doc this was a three to the second plus 'K' power. doesn't do symbols very well. Just some random math term. For science, of course.

*As far as science can tell us, birds such as woodpeckers don't have a word for triangle. This triangle is not Bill. Just a sentient tree rune.