A/N: Wow, it's been a while, huh? I've been semi-busy with work and stuff but I've been having a hard time finding a creative spark to work with for the last little while. However, there's nothing to kick me in the ass to get moving like a deadline for gifts so here is a totally on time Secret Santa fic for Tumblr user aeternusmuses. Sorry you got a filthy meme lover like myself instead of someone cool! Hope you enjoy nonetheless!

Roman loved the heat. If it was possible, he'd conduct all his criminal activity out of a sauna. Sadly, enough criminals had pulled that trick before him that any saunas that opened in Vale were immediately met with the utmost suspicion.

Yet here he was, sitting in a cheap stolen mini-van with absolutely no functioning heaters. On the coldest day of the year in Vale. Roman couldn't deny the irony of his love of heat resulting in him freezing his ass off, but that didn't mean he had to enjoy it.

A quick knock on the window caused his right hand strayed to the cane at his feet. Cinder had said she'd prefer this mission to be done stealthily but if those brats had blown his cover, he wouldn't take the fall. Well, not yet, anyways.

"License and registration, sir?" asked a deep voice. At the very least, getting the chance to kick some cop ass would warm the blood in his veins a little.

"Funny you should ask for that, Mr. Police Offi—" The fake charm in Roman's voice withered away as he picked up on some quiet chuckling. Lowering the window and leaning out it, he saw Mercury and Emerald snickering next to the back doors, with no cop in sight. "Oh, looks like I'm babysitting two comedians now."

"You should've seen your face!" laughed Emerald, flashing a big wide smile that was as fake as a three Lien bill. The memory of the last time he had pulled that trick almost brought a smile to Roman's face.

"Yeah, yeah," Roman muttered, unlocking the back door for them to get in. "You two are late so wasting time making idiots out of yourselves is very much appreciated."

"Actually, we were making an idiot out of you," Mercury replied, as he and Emerald got into the car. The two younger troublemakers laughed to themselves for a moment before noticing that they were not moving.

"Seatbelts."

Emerald rolled her eyes as she put on the safety harness. "Whatever, dad," she said, barely audible over the clicking of the seatbelt and the revving of the motor as they began the drive. Barely.

Roman held many titles in his life that he had taken great pride in. Criminal mastermind. 'Most Likely to Reoffend' at Vale Penitentiary. Part-time model. But father… "Even though you two constantly disappoint me, I still don't want you to call me 'dad'." A shudder ran through his body at the mention. "Work out your parental abandonment issues away from me."

Mercury got up from his seat and leaned in close behind Roman. "How about… daddy?"

As Roman slammed on the brakes, Mercury's body flung forward into the windshield, head first. While Roman was disappointed that the smartass didn't completely fly out of the van, he had to admit it was impressive that this cheap ride could handle that punishment so easily. Unfortunately, the same could be said for Mercury, who stumbled back to his seat.

"Seatbelt, twinkletoes." Roman's shit-eating grin flashed in the mirror, as he checked his eyeliner. Perfect, of course. "There's only one person who can call me 'daddy' and it sure ain't you."

A loud obnoxious ringtone filled the van, causing the younger occupants to cover their ears. "Speak of the devil and she shall appear," smiled Roman, nodding his head along to the beat. "Pick up, Listerschneen, it's the boss."

Emerald's eyes lit up like her namesake, glad not only to stop the horrid ringtone but to speak to Cinder. Roman rolled his eyes at the girl's puppy love for their boss. Maybe he should tell her just what her idol was like?

"Cinder says you're behind schedule," Emerald said, a smug sneer crossing her face. Guess she was gonna have to learn the hard way.

"Give me the scroll," replied Roman.

"What happened to Mr. Driving Safety?" snarked Mercury, quickly double-checking that his belt was locked in.

"I'm pulling over." Before the two passengers could protest, the van pulled up to the curb and came to a stop. He lazily reached behind and swiped the scroll from Emerald's grip. "Hey, babe, what's the issue?"

"Do not play cute with me, Roman." The voice sent shivers down Roman's back. It was smokey and alluring, like a hazy bar in a city of sin. And yet there was an undeniable feeling of danger in her voice, like the patrons of said bar. "We are on a strict schedule and I will not tolerate any more delays."

"Tell that to Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber," snarled Roman. "I was parked and ready for them for 20 minutes."

"Hey, no need to be so mean to Emerald!" objected Mercury in false protest.

"I can stick up for myself, Tweedledumber."

Roman placed a hand over the receiver and turned back to face the two younger thieves. "Can you quiet it down back there? The adults are talking." Roman let out a deep sigh as he turned his attention back to the call. "You're really making me go the extra mile, babe. Between babysitting and looking after a bunch of mangy strays…"

"I can assure you, Roman, that your reward will be…" Roman could hear her lips part as she flashed a smile he would never see. "Pleasant."

The silence felt heavy as Roman cursed himself for letting his breath catch. A soft giggle came from the scroll to show his mistake was caught. "Now be a dear and hurry home; I want you to keep me warm."

As he put the van in gear, Roman's thoughts began to wander. It had been quite some time since Cinder had last said those words to him…

Roman loved the heat. Walking down the street at noon, with the blazing sun on his back… The heat from the crowded people stomping around the sidewalk… The acrid smoke and embers of his lit cigar swirling about him… It was an unbeatable feeling. Well, almost unbeatable, he thought, spying an old, hunched-over lady at a stoplight. She had a huge red hat… and an even bigger purse at a stoplight. Dropping his cigar and stomping it out, he made a move to intercept the target. Jackpot.

"Well, hello beautiful," he said, with a charming smile as he spun his cane with his right hand. "Would you be so kind as to allow me to escort you home? Vale can be a dangerous place for one as precious and fragile as you, my flower."

The old lady's whole body shook with silent laughter. She nodded and outstretched an arm. Roman chuckled at how ridiculous her outfit was. It was at least a few sizes too large and her hand was buried somewhere in the crimson sleeve. He took her arm in his and they slowly made their way across the street.

"Which way now, my flower?" The lady gestured towards a dark alley. You've gotta be kidding me. "Well… I suppose that there's no need to fear with a young buck like me on your arm, now is there?"

But despite the bravado, Roman's eyes flicked around the alley. The odds of some gutter trash being able to beat him were low but this whole situation was getting fishier by the second.

Speaking of fishy smells… Roman used his spare hand to cover his nose. Rotting and expired food littered the alleyway, as if an angry pig had knocked over its feeding trough. Although, judging by extra fun scent of wet hair, it seemed more like a mongrel's doing.

As they moved deeper into the alley, Torchwick's pace slowed. This set-up was perfect. With Faunus living in the area, the old lady would likely blame her missing jewelry and Lien on them. After all, Roman was a nice, young, human man who had offered to take her home. In fact, thought Roman with a sly smile, that rustle looked an awful lot like a Faunus getting ready to jump us…

"Get down!" roared Roman, dragging his mark down with him to the ground. Before the two had even hit the ground, his hand had nimbly slipped into the purse to grab some pearls. Also before they hit the ground, Roman finally saw the old lady face-to-face. If that is an old lady, he thought, dermatologists must hate her.

Her eyes were a smouldering gold hue, examining him… No, examining his very soul. The grey cascading curls he had seen earlier was merely a wig; her unruly yet elegant char black hair was a beautiful contradiction. Her soft lips parted in a smile, one that screamed of danger but burned its way into Roman's mind forever.

"Quite the… predicament we're in." Her voice sent shivers through his body, which he quickly moved to get away from hers. Hot, he thought, feeling the fading warmth within his gloved hand. "Are you normally this… forward with old ladies in alleyways?"

"Despite my dashing good looks, I rarely find myself alone with older women." A sly smile grew on Roman's face as he offered her his hand, eager for the heat to return once more. "But, as a gentleman, I certainly wouldn't turn one down. Especially as beautiful as you."

"As… charming as that is, Roman, I am afraid I am not an older woman." As she grabbed his hand, Roman could feel warmth flow through her into him. At the very least, he would have an excuse for sweating.

"Well, luckily for you, age is just a number to m-" Something clicked in Roman's mind. "Wait, you know my name."

A soft giggle. It would've been cute if it didn't sound so fake. "Oh, of course I do. You're Roman Torchwick. Jewel thief. Arsonist." She gave him a quick once-over. "Part-time model."

"Former," corrected Roman, feeling a bit hot under the collar and not just from having a beautiful woman talking to him. His instincts earlier were right; this was some sort of trap. A police sting? No, those incompetent buffoons wouldn't have enough brain cells amongst their whole organization to put something like this. Was she a huntress, eager to put another criminal behind bars for a paltry paycheck? If so, it would've been far easier for her to overpower him. "It's nice to have a fan club but it is only fair that I get to know you as well. A name now, the rest over dinner, perhaps?"

That same fake giggle. Roman hated it but he couldn't stop himself from smiling at its faint ringing. "You really are something else… Maybe some other time." The voice lost any false playfulness. "But Roman Torchwick, I need you for two tasks. The first requires your expertise as a thief." The woman slowly began to pace, her back straight and movement refined, in stark contrast to her earlier portrayal. "A big change will be sweeping Remnant soon and I seek to be the one to lead it. A new era to be ushered in."

"That's real swell and all," replied Roman, watching her with suspicion. Of course, she'd have some weird cause. Why did the hot ones always have to be crazy? "But I'm failing to see what that has to do with me."

"You would feed the spark, Roman," she said, stopping her pacing not a step in front of him. "As I'm sure you know, all big fires start from a single spark." A well-manicured hand was held up an inch from Roman's face. With a snap of her fingers, a small ball of flame was conjured on her fingertips. "Well, this spark would need plenty of… tender care." The last part of the sentence was barely above a whisper, as she leaned in close to his ear.

"I'm guessing you are saying a different thing than what I'm thinking." Which was a shame because Roman was really liking where his mind was going.

"So you are more than just good looking." That damn giggle. "Tell me, Roman, what's the single most valuable resource on Remnant?"

"What, do I look like an incompetent hick? Dust."

"And what do you think people would do if dust were to… run out?"

Roman paused to mull this over. "Well, the prices would skyrocket, people would panic, everything would go to shi… Wait. Are you seriously suggesting I steal-"

"Yes, Roman. I want you to steal all the dust in Vale."

"Listen." Roman wanted to tell this beautiful lady how completely bonkers she was but couldn't even think of where to start. "How would I even do that by my-"

"Oh, you would not be doing this by yourself." She looked smug, which frustrated and turned Roman on at the same time. "I would give you plenty of tools and minions to help you with this. The rest of my plan will be... occupying most of my time but I am sure you would be able to coordinate that."

"And what would I get out of this?"

"Aside from my undying gratitude?" She slowly backed away, finally giving Roman room to breathe. "Having all that dust would make you quite a wealthy man."

"I… I need time to think about this." Roman's mind was turning, trying to process exactly what was going on. So much had occurred… He wondered what Neo would think of all this… "Perhaps if you gave me your phone number…"

Grabbing Roman's hand, the lady placed a small device in it. "This cell phone will be your direct line to me. Until you have finalized your decision."

Roman practically sneered. Why would some diabolical criminal mastermind be working with such an outdated relic? But he would keep those smart remarks for later.

As he looked up, he saw her putting her disguise back together. A thousand thoughts flooded his mind but only two escaped his lips. "You never told me your name! Or your second need for me."

She stopped and looked him dead in the eyes. Before he could register what was happening, he felt an inferno rip into his body as her lips parted his. She was dominant and forceful, not that Roman would ever think to complain. The moment would be one that Roman would never forget.

Nor would he forget the feeling of her pulling away. The heat flushed from Roman and his lips felt as cold as death's cruel touch. Despite the awful feeling, he watched her eyes light up and he almost tricked himself into believing the smile was genuine. "My name is Cinder. And your second task will be to keep me warm."

Roman couldn't move as she walked away, her echoing footsteps sounding like the crackling of a bonfire. Even if he could, he didn't know what he would do. So he settled for staring after her, hoping in equal measures that she would come back or that he would wake up from this odd dream.

At the edge of the alleyway, Cinder turned around. "Dress warmly, Roman. Fall is coming; the season of change."

Roman loved the heat. Even if he knew it didn't love him.