What Are You Doing? (Youth!)

Written by: John

The council looked at Tsunade's determined face and then moved to confer amongst themselves. There were several minutes of mutterings quiet enough to keep her from overhearing—living in a village of ninja taught even the civilians certain skills and how to whisper properly was on the list—before the group separated and returned to their seats.

Tsunade gritted her teeth, the official Hat of Office throwing her face into shadow, simultaneously allowing her to hide her expression and to reveal just how seriously she was taking this since they all knew how much she hated wearing the accursed thing. She was standing at parade-rest, which was humiliating for her, with her feet shoulder-width apart and her hands clasped behind her back while she kept her face aimed directly ahead, only allowing her eyes to move in the concealment of her headgear.

The council was made of a handful of civilians of sufficient importance that their consultation made the Hokage's life significantly easier. To a man (and they were all men), they were old, decrepit, and set in their ways. They were less war-hungry, civilian versions of Danzō.

"We are terribly sorry, Tsunade-sama," said Otoishuma, the closest thing to a spokesman the council had. He was a sort of first-among-equals by virtue of his excessive age even in their exalted ranks and had a face like warm butter left out too long. "But the council has agreed: despite your recommendation, Uzumaki Naruto will never be Hokage."

There was no outward reaction from Tsunade. Her face had already been in the stoney visage she used for dealing with civilians of rank that she couldn't have them killed on a whim. She gave a half bow that was casually dismissive. "Understood, honored council." She contrived to imply that the words had more in common with "incestuous vermin" than honor. Then she turned and walked out of the room.

Kakashi was waiting for her outside the council room. "Hokage-sama," he murmured as he was swept into her wake. "I take it that they said no?"

"They said never, Kakashi." Tsunade's tone was bitter as she stormed out of the building, unaware of the dark look coming over Kakashi's face—one that was quickly followed by a more worrying spark of rebellion.

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Sempai?" Yamato asked.

Kakashi turned from what he was doing to look at his kohai. "The council said Naruto will never be Hokage, so I'm leaving."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Kakashi grunted for a moment, digging his fingers in. "I'm taking the Memorial Stone with me."

Yamato watched his sempai struggle to drag the huge rock from the ground as the man's summoned dogs dug to loosen it. "Why?"

"Well, how would I visit it if I left it behind?" Kakashi shook his head and grinned as he finally felt the stone move.

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Yamato?" asked Tsunade, her arms crossed under her large chest.

Yamato paused in his work to face his Hokage. The early morning sun was behind her, making it hard to see her expression. "I understand that the council said Naruto will never be Hokage, so I'm leaving."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Yamato focused his Mokūton for a moment, "I'm taking this tree the Shodai planted."

Tsunade watched the ANBU member work to extract her grandfather's favorite peach tree from her back yard for several minutes as Yamato used her grandfather's bloodline to pull its roots free. "Why?"

"It's rather like my father, really. How would I feel safe if I didn't take it with me?"

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Hokage-sama?" asked Iruka.

Tsunade shifted her feet and looked at the Academy instructor. "The council said they'd never let Naruto be Hokage, so I decided I don't really want to stay anymore." She could feel sweat building as the sun climbed towards its zenith.

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Tsunade planted her feet and began to heave, her muscles bulging. "I'm taking the Hokage tower."

Iruka watched silently as his leader planned to defect from the village with a large structure. "Why?"

"Well, it's where I keep my sake."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Iruka?" asked Sakura.

Iruka looked up from his silent counting. "The council said Naruto will never be allowed to be Hokage, so I decided to leave the village."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Iruka slapped an errant child back into line and made sure he had his book in his hands. "I'm taking the Academy students and instructors."

Sakura watched as a line of grim-faced children carried school books in a silent line under the noon sun while equally grim instructors carried scrolls filled with supplies. "Why?"

"I love teaching, so I thought I should bring my students with me."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Sakura-chan?" asked Ino, arms crossed.

Sakura scowled as she pushed sweat-matted hair from her forehead. "The council said Naruto will never be allowed to be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Sakura continued walking around, looking for the best point. "I'm taking the hospital with me."

Ino watched as Sakura waited for the staff to file out for their lunch break and then dig her fingers into the foundation and begin to strain. "Why?"

"The hospital is my life; I couldn't suddenly stop working there."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Ino-chan?" asked Inoichi.

Ino paused guiltily. "I heard the council said Naruto will never be allowed to be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village."

"No, Ino, I mean what are you doing?"

Ino looked at the paper in front of her with a frown and looked around again. "I'm taking my room with me."

Inoichi watched his daughter continue to methodically seal each object in her room onto the scroll. "Why?"

"It's where I keep my porn collection."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Inoichi?" asked Chōza.

Inoichi wiped a dirt-smeared hand across his forehead. It was barely after one and it was hot work. "I heard that the council said that Naruto will never be Hokage, so the Yamanaka are leaving."

"No, Inoichi," said Shikaku. "What are you doing?"

Inoichi rolled up a scroll and unfurled the next one. "I'm taking our flowerbeds with us."

Shikaku and Chōza watched their friend of several decades working with a trowel to carefully uproot each plant and place it into a scroll. Chōza sighed. "Why?"

"It's a family hobby; we don't want to have to start from scratch."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Chōza-san?" asked Ibiki.

Chōza looked down at the interrogator with the sharp kunai in his hand. "I heard that the council said that Naruto will never be Hokage, so the Akamichi and Nara are leaving the village."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

The Akamichi paused as he flexed his fingers, cracking them like a series of boulders. "Inoichi asked me to take T&I."

Ibiki watched as the thirty-foot-tall Chōza shoved his hand into the ground and worked to scoop the dungeons up with the building. "Why?"

"He said it wouldn't be the same without work."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Ibiki?" asked Anko.

Ibiki looked up and squinted as he tried to see with the afternoon sun in his eyes. "I heard the council said Naruto will never be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Ibiki grunted and Anko dodged dirt flying into the air. "I'm digging up an old box."

Anko watched silently as more dirt fountained up. "Why?"

"It's where I keep my blackmail material."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Anko-Tokabetsu-Jōnin?" asked Shibi.

Anko looked down from her perch. "I heard that the council said the brat Naruto will never be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village."

"No, what are you doing?"

She shifted her stance to avoid falling. "I'm taking the creatures from the Forest of Death."

Shibi watched as she whipped a seventy-foot python ahead of her while riding a praying mantis larger than some buildings—one he had wished to add to his insect collection this evening. "Why?"

"It wouldn't be home without it."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Shibi-san?" asked Inuzuka Tsume as she placed a box of flea-powder on the counter.

Shibi looked up, holding a kunai that dripped blood onto the wood. "The Hive heard that the council has declared Uzumaki-san will never be Hokage, so the Hive is leaving Konoha."

"No, what are you doing?"

Shibi cleaned the kunai and got to work on making a new incision. "This one is cutting open the bellies of orphans."

Tsume watched as Aburame Shibi sliced open the belly of a child of uncertain providence and kikachu swarmed into the gaping wound. "Why?"

"The Hive needs living vessels for transport."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Mother?" asked Inuzuka Hana.

Tsume staggered slightly to the left as the early evening sun glared into her eyes. "I heard that the council said Naruto won't be allowed to be Hokage, so the clan is leaving."

"No, what are you doing?"

Tsume struggled and felt the tower of boxes in her arms begin to slip. "I'm getting supplies for the trip."

Hana watched as the boxes began to rain around her and her mother. "Why?"

"We'll need plenty of flea-powder, won't we?"

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Inuzuka-san?" asked Shizune.

Hana looked up from the task at hand. "Since the council isn't allowing Naruto to become Hokage, the clan is leaving the village."

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

Hana began turning the crate over and over, mumbling to herself. "I'm looting the supply depot."

Shizune watched as the Inuzuka veterinarian smiled in triumph and rammed the crowbar into the seam. "Why?"

The box opened, spilling bags onto the ground. "I was sent to get more dog food."

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Shizune-sama?" asked Tenten.

Shizune looked across the field at the bun-topped girl with a red sun behind her. "I heard that the council said Naruto can't be Hokage, I'm leaving the village."

"No, what are you doing?"

Shizune grabbed an object from the ground and tucked it into her kimono. "I'm gathering senbon from the training grounds."

Tenten watched as the medic began to sort through the pile of senbon in front of her and tossed most to the side. "Why?"

"Tsunade-sama took my money to gamble, so I can't afford to buy new ones."

~YOUTH!~

"My youthful student! What are you doing!" asked Gai.

Tenten looked over her shoulder at her sensei. "I heard that the council won't let Naruto be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village."

"No! What is my youthful student doing!"

Tenten looked down, aiming the armful of metal carefully. "I'm taking the stock of as many weapon stores as possible."

Gai watched his student drop several times her weight in weapons onto a sealing scroll and tuck it into the bundle on her back. He wondered if he should add some weights to it. "Why!"

"I only really have one skill, Gai-sensei."

~YOUTH!~

"Youth!" asked Lee. (What are you doing, most honored Gai-sensei?)

Gai paused in his circuit. "Youth!" (Well, my most youthful of youthful students, I am given to understand that Uzumaki Naruto is being banned from Hokage-dom and so I have decided to leave the village.)

"Youth!" (No, what are you doing, Gai-sensei?)

Gai nodded to himself and began to dig. "Youth!" (I am taking my favorite training ground with me, my youthful student.)

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

There was already a sunset in the background. (Youth!)

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Lee?" asked Neji.

"Well, my youthful rival," said Lee as he worked to keep his balance. "I heard that Naruto-kun is not going to be allowed to be Hokage, so I have decided to leave the village."

"No, Lee, what are you doing?"

Lee planted his hands and worked to get his feet into position. "I'm going to take this giant iron ball with me!"

Neji watched Lee for several minutes as his teammate struggled to lift the moderately (for Lee) sized object. "Why are you trying to carry it with your feet?"

"Training!"

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, Neji-nee-san?" asked Hinata.

Her cousin jumped as the late-evening had been quiet and he hadn't noticed her coming up behind him. "I heard that Uzumaki-san is not going to be allowed to be Hokage, so I am leaving the village before Fate can get a grip on me again."

"No, nee-san, what are you doing?"

Neji felt a bit of sweat run down the back of his head. "I'm . . . um . . . taking several clan scrolls with me?"

Hinata watched her cousin for several minutes before nodding and walking off.

~YOUTH!~

"What are you doing, daughter?" asked Hiashi.

Hinata didn't look up from her task. "I heard that the council will not allow Naruto to be Hokage, so I am leaving the village."

"You're what?"

Hinata shoved her diary into her rucksack. "I'm leaving father." She turned, her eyes already surrounded by the bulging veins of the Byakugan and her feet shifting into the first stance of Jūken.

"You'd fight me on this?"

"Yes, father."

"Interesting."

~YOUTH!~

"Father, what are you doing?" asked Hanabi.

Her father continued to work with the shovel. "I heard that Naruto will not be allowed to be Hokage, so the clan is leaving."

"No, Father, what are you doing?"

Hiashi looked up from the pile of bodies at the bottom of the pit covered in the flaky ash of several burned scrolls. "I'm burying the bodies of the Elders."

Hanabi watched with a sort of detachment as her father covered the corpses with dirt. "Why"?

"I don't plan to take them with me."

~YOUTH!~

There was a certain amount of congestion on the road just outside of Konoha. For one thing, there were a pair of buildings bobbing along above a pair of strong women. Then there was the gigantic lump of earth with grass on top, on top of which was a young man in green running about on his hands with a lump of iron held in the air with his sandals (Youth!). There were the dozen giants carrying buildings under their arms like bags of flower. That was to say nothing of the small cadre of Academy students and the cavalcade of monstrous critters from the Forest of Death. And then there were several prominent clans.

"What's going on here?" asked several hundred voices ("Youth!" called a pair).

"I heard the council said Naruto won't be allowed to be Hokage, so I'm leaving the village." Replied the voices.

"You guys too?" said the voices.

"You know," said Sakura as she looked around from under the hospital, "we could probably make our own village where Naruto could be Kage."

There was a general cheer.

"Speaking of which," said Kakashi, the Memorial Stone strapped to his back. "Has anyone mentioned this to Naruto?"

There was silence.

"Shizune-chan?" asked Sakura. "Hold this please?" She snickered as Shizune paled. "Just kidding." A kage bunshin formed next to Sakura.

It nodded. "I'll tell him."

Hinata broke out of the mass that was the blank-eyed Hyūga. "I'll come with you."

Kakashi placed the stone on the mound of training ground Gai was carrying. "I'll come with you. I challenge you to carry the stone with your training ground, Gai." (Youth!)

~YOUTH!~

Naruto woke suddenly as he felt three presences in his apartment. They were friendly, so he didn't try to stab them automatically, but he did grab a kunai in case they were there because something bad had happened.

"Good morning, my cute little student," said Kakashi's voice.

Naruto opened his eyes to see Kakashi, Hinata, and Sakura standing beside his bed. "So . . ." said Sakura. "I have bad news and good news and better news."

"Let's get the bad over with, Sakura-chan." Naruto didn't bother asking how they got into his apartment; he had long since stopped bothering to lock his door since only ninja would be stupid enough to break into a ninja's house, and anyone stupid enough to do so was either a friend and would make it safely or someone who deserved whatever happened to them.

"So the council said they would never allow you to be Hokage." Sakura sighed as she watched Naruto's face fall. "The good news is that pretty much all the ninja in the village are your friends and decided they'd rather leave." Naruto was looking confused. "The better news is that they decided to found a new village where you can be Kage. It won't be Hokage, but close enough, right?"

Naruto's smile was like the sun coming out from behind clouds they'd never known where there. "Yatta!"

"Yes, so," Kakashi interjected as he watched his student dance around the room with his head-eating nightcap on. "Is there anything you'd want to take with you from the village? I think your friends got pretty much everything."

"Uh . . . Ramen?"

Sakura smacked her forehead. "Of course." She ran out the door.

"Ichiraku ramen!" he shouted after her.

~YOUTH!~

"Uh . . ." Naruto stared out over the village. "Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"When you said my friends got pretty much everything . . ."

"I was not referring to the little things." In the distance, the two of them could see the Ichiraku ramen stand bobbing along, smoke coming from its chimney as it made a b-line for the gates. "So was there anything else you wanted?"

"The Hokage Monument?"

"That might be difficult to—"

Naruto smiled. "Give me five minutes with a bag of flour, some sour milk, and a pingpong ball."

~YOUTH!~

Hinata, Kakashi, and Naruto watched the Monument. After a minute, there was a sensation of the whole village jerking left thirty feet and snapping back. Then the five faces on the cliff slid free in a single block and began to fall to the ground. Moments later, a wave of orange rushed up the side of the cliff-face in a tide, sliding under the rock as it separated from the cliff. It suddenly stopped falling as the last of the orange vanished under it and began to head back up the way it came. From the distance came the cry "Yosh!"

~YOUTH!~

Tazuna sipped from his flask of water as he leaned against the side of the Great Naruto Bridge. Three years later and the name still felt right to him. He came out to walk on it every day to remind himself why he'd stopped drinking. It was a good morning.

He took a bite of his roll. He'd stuffed it with cheese to get a bit of protein in there. It was nice to know that Inari was growing up so well also. Wave was recovering nicely. Gatō was gone and while no one had made use of his compound and there was plenty of dereliction left, they were on the way to their old strength.

There was something odd in the distance. It looked like a plume of smoke. That might be a bad thing. Except that it was moving closer but not getting bigger. Huh.

And on the horizon, there was a . . . tower. It was moving up and down as it came closer. And it was being followed by . . . a blocky, municipal building with a caduceus on its side. Was that a giant plot of land? Rounding the corner was a giant chunk of rock with faces riding a tide of orange and yellow.

Tazuna stood stock-still as the horde carrying the literal rock face poured off the road and along the surface of the river. He was suddenly surrounded by large objects as several buildings rushed by, accompanied by hundreds of people.

"Hi, old man!" shouted a thousand throats.

Tazuna blinked and then looked at his water and his roll. He tossed the roll over the side of the bridge and tipped out his water. He was going to go have a word with Tsunami.

~YOUTH!~

Tazuna approached what was now quite clearly the former compound of Gatō. For one thing, the mansion now had a giant tower in the left wing. There was something incongruous about the kanji for "Fire" on the side of it. There was also a peach tree growing in the middle of what had been Gatō's orange groves.

He could have sworn there used to be a bay where there was now a green field, complete with a small forest.

It had taken him the better part of a day to bring himself to go look into this. It had taken his daughter's pressuring him and, more importantly, his grandson threatening to go check it out himself, to get him out here. He wasn't sure this had been a good idea.

Everywhere he looked, there was orange. That was familiar. "Hey, old man!"

Tazuna jumped, whirling around to see . . . "Naruto?"

"Hey!" The boy still had that idiotic grin that made it look like the sun had just come out.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh . . . founding a ninja village?"

Tazuna blinked for a moment or two and then turned and walked away. There was something wrong with the water. Definitely the water.

~YOUTH!~

Three Weeks Later

Naruto stood at the top of the Uzukage's tower and saw that it was good. He wasn't technically a kage, in that none of the other major villages had acknowledged him, but his precious people had accepted him and that was good enough.

His investment ceremony had been pretty short, mostly consisting of Tsunade handing him the Hokage's hat, modified to have the kanji for "Whirlpool" on it in white on black. Things had been too hectic to take more time than that.

Down in the courtyard was Yamato, laboring away to use Mokūton to build more housing for their newly created village. He was being ably assisted by almost a thousand Naruto. Behind him was the shouting of Tsunade as she and Kakashi worked to install the Hokage monument on the majestic mountain that overlooked the compound.

Naruto wasn't sure why Hinata had insisted that she take up the position of his secretary, but she was doing an excellent job of keeping track of what still needed to be done. Naruto had come to terms with his tendency to be single-minded over the time he'd spent with Ero-sensei. It was good to have someone who remembered the other things.

"Hello, brat."

"GAH!" Naruto had the terrible memories of training as he spun to face Jiraiya. Normally, that statement was accompanied by a hit to remind him to be mindful. "Um . . . Ero-sennin? What are you doing?"

"I'm kneeling to let my Kage know that I'm here to report."

"Come again?"

"Didn't I tell you I was Konoha's spymaster?"

"Uh . . . no."

"I could have sworn I did."

"Nope."

"Huh. Well. Anyway." Jiraiya rose and sat in a chair facing Naruto's desk. "I thought I should come by and give you a brief on what our intelligence network looks like."

"Oh." Naruto paused a moment. "Okay."

"Surprisingly, our network is looking good."

"Why is that surprising?"

"Because I just switched it from Konoha to Uzugakure." Jiraiya grinned. "But the good news is that you've got a lot of friends. I mean around the world. There are at least three village leaders who are ready to make trade agreements with you. And most of them are willing to have my agents installed. For some reason, they feel certain that if you learned of a threat to, for example, the Land of Birds, you'd do everything in your power to help."

"Of course I would!"

"Which is why things are in such a good state."

Jiraiya rose and began to climb out the window. "I should let you know that one of my top agents will be coming by to report in. Please try not to kill him."

~YOUTH!~

Another Few Weeks Later

"Hello, Naruto-kun."

"HOLYFUCKITACHI!"

"If you would just wait a moment." Itachi sighed as he began to absently kill the horde of shadow clones. "I work for Jiraiya."

"What? Ow. Would you stop stabbing mes?"

"Please stop trying to hit me with Rasengan, then." Itachi avoided several dangerous balls of whirring chakra. "I've been a deep cover agent, Naruto-kun. Since before the massacre. That was done under orders."

"Bullshit! Jiji would never have ordered that!"

"My family was planning a rebellion! We were out of options!"

"What about talking, huh?"

"Tried. For months. By the time I even got involved in the mess, it was well past that point. I got the only concession I could!" Itachi held out a folder. "Jiriaya-sama sent this. I think he stole it from Konoha."

"You got . . ." Naruto stopped and skimmed the documents. "You saved your brother."

"Exactly. I love my brother."

"Funny way of showing it."

"He was supposed to hate me, grow up, get the Mangekyō Sharingan, kill me, take my eyes, and thereby return to Konoha with the clan redeemed."

"How's that working out for you?"

"Look; it wasn't my best plan, okay? Even geniuses can make a mistake!"

"No shit!"

"I wish to give my report on the Akatsuki. I need to get back."

"No."

"What?"

"You aren't going back."

"I need to—"

"No. You killed your family. You've done your time. Hinata!"

"Yes, Naruto-k—OHGODSITACH—"

"I need a pardon document."

"Come again?"

"We're pardoning him."

"You're what?"

"Shut up, Itachi. I told you: you've done your time."

"You seem to be getting the hang of being in charge, Naruto-kun."

"Thanks." Naruto paused. "You know . . . we might want to have a word with your brother about all this."

~YOUTH!~

Two Months Later

"Naruto-kun?"

"Yes, Hinata-chan?"

"There's someone here to kill you."

"What?"

"Uchiha Sasuke is here. He wants to speak to you."

"Send him in."

"NARUTO!"

"Hey, Bastard."

Sasuke stood in the middle of the office, looking sheepish. "Itachi and Jiraiya kidnapped me."

"Oh good. I was worried they wouldn't manage."

"Really? The greatest spymaster in the world and Uchiha Itachi were given the job and you weren't sure they'd do it?"

"I wasn't sure they'd manage to convince you."

"Oh. Well. I didn't believe a word of it until I got here."

"Why?"

"Because if the world has gone mad enough that you're in charge of a village and my brother answers to you, I can believe my family was insane enough to want to rebel against the most merciful Kage in history since the Shodai himself."

"Welcome back, then."

"What?"

"You're going to be a chūnin, like Sakura-chan."

"What?"

"But since you're here, that means Itachi and Jiraiya are free again. Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes, Naruto?" A silver-haired ANBU agent was suddenly next to them. "Would you please introduce Uchiha-chūnin to his teammate? I think she'll be glad to see him again."

"You wouldn't."

"I might forgive you, Bastard, but you still need to be punished."

"This is cruel and unusual!" Sasuke was shouting for mercy as Kakashi dragged him from the room.

~YOUTH!~

The Next Day

"Jiraiya."

"Yes?" The man scowled. Naruto was getting good at detecting him at the window.

"Would you please liaise with Shikaku-san?"

"Why?"

"It's time to deal with Danzō. He's done enough damage."

~YOUTH!~

A Week After That

"Jiraiya."

"It went better than we could have expected."

"Yeah?"

"We got a whole slew of Sharingan eyes. And this creepy-ass arm."

A gray arm thudded on the desk.

"Are those—"

"Mangekyō Sharingan? Yes."

"Freaky."

"Naruto-kun?"

"Yes, Hinata?"

"There's someone here to see you."

"Yes?"

"It's Orochimaru."

"What?"

"He says he wishes to join the village."

"Send him up. Kakashi, please be on standby."

"Ready."

"Ah . . . Naruto-kun."

Naruto held up a hand. "Rule one: if you want to be here, you have to sound less like a pervert. That's your teammate's job."

"I'm sorry?" There was a look of disgust on Orochimaru's face.

"You always sound like you're coming on to people."

"I do?" Orochimaru whirled and glared at Kabuto. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you meant it, Orochimaru-sama."

"You mean that you people thought I was after Sasuke-kun for—You people are sick! I wanted to be him, not be in him." Orochimaru shuddered.

"So why do you want to join?"

"Because I heard that you might have just acquired a load of Sharingan. I wouldn't need an Uchiha body then."

"So no more trying to take over Sasuke's body?"

"Right. I can vat-grow bodies if I need them."

"Uh . . . no experimenting on people."

"What about enemies?" Orochimaru smiled slightly. "Like really, really bad ones. Like Danzō."

"Eh. Still creeps me out." Naruto walked over to Kabuto. The boy smiled blandly until the fist smashed into his face. "I needed that. You can experiment on Danzō."

"Oh good. I collected a supply of rapists and the like on my way here."

"You did?"

"I'm glad to be out of Sound. It's a pain to have to run a village. I'll begin excavation immediately."

"Alright. Make sure to speak to Shibi-san. You don't want to hit the underground hives."

"By the way, Naruto."

"Yes, Jiraiya?"

"When I got Danzō's files, I found some interesting facts I need to investigate."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Take Itachi with you."

~YOUTH!~

Three Months Later

"Jiraiya."

"We have a gift for you, Naruto."

"We?"

"Yeah. I have the leader of the Akatsuki here for you."

"Don't they want to kill me?"

"Eh. I had words with my students about trying to kill other students. And I showed them Danzō's files."

"Does that mean they don't want to kill me?"

"That is correct, cousin."

Naruto spun to look at the redhead being carried by a sextet of orange-haired people with piercing fetishes (his trip with Jiraiya had been . . . enlightening).

"What?"

"I am Uzumaki Nagato." Nagato gestured to his blue-haired companion. "This is my friend Konan."

"Cool. You guys want to join up?"

"Sort of. We're needed in Rain. We're just visiting because we need to drop off a prisoner."

Naruto grinned. "We can bring Rain here."

"Sounds goo—wait, what?"

"In case you missed it, Maito Gai works for me."

"Oh."

"And Kakashi?"

"Yes, Jiraiya-sama?"

"You need to have words with the prisoner."

Sixteen Years Later

"Uzukage-sama?"

Naruto looked up from what he'd been doing (nuzzling his wife. Hyūga Hanabi was nicely rounded and enjoyed cuddling her husband). "What is it, Iruka-kun?"

"Your daughter."

"What about her?"

"She has painted the Kage monument."

"And?"

"Could you at least pretend to be upset?"

Hanabi sighed. "Hinata can handle it. It's my turn today."

It had been a political marriage. Naruto had no idea what he was getting into when he was asked to establish strong ties with his village. Team Seven had been put to work building their village. Scions and daughters of the key clans had been married to bring the village together in ways Konoha had never managed. The result had been that Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto had all taken multiple spouses. Itachi had been asked to as well.

"She just laughed!" groaned. "It'd be nice if someone thought it was an issue."

"Just make her clean it off, like I had to."

"I'm still having her clean out the Academy after her stunt last night with your brother-in-law's kid."

"Eh. It'll give her incentive to learn Kage Bunshin sooner."

"That is not helping my sense of well-being, Naruto."

"And you're harshing my snuggle-time!" snapped Hanabi. "I'm pregnant and I want cuddles! If you complain about your job again, I'll see to it that Ayame doesn't need to worry about giving any more heirs!"

"Very well, Hyūga-sama."

It had been an interesting series of marriages. Naruto had been married to Hanabi as the heir to the Hyūga, as well as a daughter of the Inuzuka and a daughter of the Aburame. That was as much as he was willing to manage, considering he didn't know any of them well, but Hinata had been firm that there was no way her sister would marry Naruto and she didn't.

In the meantime, Sasuke had married a daughter of the Hyūga as well as Ino and a daughter of the Nara. He had just barely avoided a fourth wife himself. Uzumaki Karin had wanted to be included, but she instead ended up spending time with Suigetsu and the two of them were busily repopulating the Uzumaki clan on their own.

Sakura had ended up marrying Choji and Kiba as well as, of all people, Neji. That last one had been a shock to everyone—especially the two married persons. The disappointed Lee had drowned his sorrows in alcohol he'd stolen and had torn a path all the way to Suna. Somehow, he had ended up in the bed of Sabaku no Temari. The two expected their second child any day.

Uzugakure had built up close relations with Suna, which only grew closer as several prominent shinobi intermarried. Rain, meanwhile, had been physically relocated to the bay of Uzu, where it had been happily welcomed (and had been glad to no longer be the land of always-being-rained-on). Uzumaki Nagato was now one of Naruto's lieutenants and had remained happily a bachelor.

Kumo's alliance with Iwa against the newly created Uzu had ended . . . badly. Uchiha Obito, Uzumaki Nagato, Hatake Kakashi, Maito Gai, and Uchiha Itachi had been sent out to explain the error of their ways to the gathering armies. Most of them had survived.

Iruka had the dubious pleasure of leading the Academy where there were almost a dozen children of Team Seven alone. The incident in the Kage's office was not unusual.

When he'd asked Tsunade why she'd even been talking to the council almost seventeen years ago, she'd said that it was because "I'd rather drink than run a village." Naruto didn't see it, personally, but he would step down when Sasuke's oldest daughter was finally ready. She had spent more time than was healthy for Sasuke's sanity with her uncle and his personality had rubbed off on her.

(A/N John)

So, this is in place of your regularly scheduled update.

Also, here's the best I can manage as to what is the cause of this story. Me and Spoon were eating dinner and she said something about the normal fics where the Council doesn't let Naruto be Kage. Or something. And I imagined what would happen if everyone left.

No. Wait.

It was a discussion of what Kakashi would take with him if he left the village. My immediate answer was the Memorial Stone. And we started discussing what people would take . . . well . . . things went Spoon-shaped. Which is what I call it when I get involved and things go completely off the rails. Because I prefer to blame her.