The Garage Monologues

Disclaimer: Invader Zim is the property and trademark of Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon. This story is made for entertainment purposes only, with no profit being made from its existence.

Warnings: This story contains references to the Invader Zim comic book series- issue number two specifically, and as such contains spoilers. Proceed at your own risk. Also there's a bit of swearing, here and there.

"You know, I had once contemplated that enjoying an existence where your posterior was constantly in contact with my physical form was perhaps the most singularly humiliating thing that you could ever hope to inflict upon me. I now realize that I underestimated your capacity for dispensing new and spectacular forms of misery upon others. I would tip my hat to you, clever little monkey thing, but I lack the hat to do so... and thanks to you, I now lack the *appendages* to perform the insipid task if I was even inclined to *engage* in such idiocy to begin with!"

Dib didn't look up from his work, merely rolling his eyes as he reached out to grab the nearest wrench, head and upper body still buried in the depths of Tak's ship. "Yeah, yeah, I know," he drawled out as he grabbed the tool, reaching in to resume his work. "Hate hate hate, doom doom doom. Whatever."

"Don't you *dare* mock me, you miserable little fool! This is *your* fault!"

"That much I'll cop to, but seriously," Dib now lifted his head, giving an annoyed glance to the source of the irritated ranting. "That thing DOES have a mute option, you know. I'm letting you speak as a courtesy."

"A courtesy, he calls it," the feminine voice said. Though it had no face to speak of, it was impossible to picture anything other than a sneer being present, going by the tone. "Some courtesy. I know you have more advanced machines than this, Dib. Surely you could have at least jury-rigged one of your father's security droids to house me while you repair my super-structure?"

"Like I'd let YOU near anything that could be weaponized even a little," Dib scoffed, entering the depths of the panel once more. "Anyway, just stay calm. This won't take too long..." There was a sudden spark, illuminating the dark depths for an instant and prompting Dib to hastily withdraw with a yelp. "At least... in theory..." he said with a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his head.

From the confines of a laptop resting upon a stool, Tak's CPU let out an exasperated groan. What had it done to deserve this, it wondered. What could have possibly justified its current state of existence? Things had started out simple enough; the insipid meat monkey was engaging in yet another one of his petty squabbles with that lunatic exile, Zim, only THIS time Dib had seen to involve Tak's ship. The exact events were a blur. Something involving 'flying plasma capybaras' or some other rot, and in the maddened mania that tended to follow *any* event involving Zim, the ship was damaged. Not beyond repair, mercifully enough, but extensive enough that Dib had seen fit to temporarily re-locate the ship's AI into a new vessel of sorts; Dib's laptop.

Thus leading to the present situation, in which a laptop bitterly berated a boy trying to fix a modified alien vessel.

Waving the smoke away, Dib resumed his initial repairs. '"C'mon you stubborn little...!" A loud creaking sound followed, followed by a triumphant laugh. "HA! Got ya!" he said as he pulled away from the ship, shutting the panel down. "Alright, internal repairs are complete. Now for the externals," he said, looking over at the damaged sections covering the ship's hull and left 'wing'. Walking over to one of the garage's computer terminals, Dib set to work typing in a series of commands. "Luckily, this is the easy part. Dad's repair system'll take care of the worst of it, leaving me to deal with the more minute stuff." As he spoke, panels hidden the ceiling and the walls slide open to reveal a series of robotic arms ending in a variety of tools, all of which headed straight for the ship. Dib trotted over to stand beside the Tak-AI, leaning against a nearby wall. "Smooth sailing from here."

"Stellar," the AI drawled out. "Your propensity for self-narration ever remains your most endearing trait. Well, that and your ability to get me damaged for the sake of your pathetic rivalry with Zim. And by 'endearing' I mean 'you had better pray to whatever primitive higher force you subscribe to that I never, ever find a way around your reprogramming or so help me I'll separate your oversized head from your puny, easily-to-cut body!' "

By this point Dib didn't pay much attention to the threats. "Big talk from someone without any limbs," he said idly as he watched the robotics do their work. "You know, I've been reading over some of the Irken ship schematics I've managed to pillage from Zim's databanks... this thing used to be a Spit Runner, right?"

"It's 'Spittle-Runner', you dolt."

He gave the computer a look. "Like I said, a Spit-Runner. You used to be one, right?"

"In the crude vernacular of your sub-Irken race, 'bite me, bighead.'."

"Gonna take that as a yes," Dib said, shrugging as he looked back to the ship. "I was just gonna note that you're a lot more advanced than a standard Spittle-Runner, at least going by the schematics that Zim keeps."

"Do you really mean to tell me that you trust information from a fool who goes about in a Voot Cruiser?" The AI said flatly, and even now, Dib could practically *see* Tak giving him a look to go with it.

"Point, but still, you're pretty modified from the standard. Do Invaders typically do that?"

"No. They do not," the AI said curtly. "Ugh... turn me away from the repairs, I can't stand it. Watching those crude earth robotics fumbling around my frame... it's like watching a pack of trained chimpanzees attempting major surgery, to me."

Dib raised a brow at that, and complied with the request. "Well, at least they're a higher form of primate. That's a step up from the usual comparison," Dib noted, somewhat dryly at that.

"Ha. Only to humans are apes of any kind a 'higher form of primate'. A monkey is a monkey, whether or not it has a tail."

"You know, there are in fact several species of monkeys without tails and THERE is in fact a difference between-"

"NOT THE POINT!"

"Alright alright, sheesh," Dib said, turning his attention back to the repairs. The two went quiet as the repair systems did their thing, the garage ringing with the sound of tools whirring and clanging as, slowly but surely, the superstructure of the ship was mended of the damage.

During this time, the AI trapped within the laptop simply stewed in its own thoughts. Despite no longer seeing the work being done on its body, it was finding that hearing nothing BUT the work being done was even worse, possibly. A distraction was needed. A thought popped into its head, a question that had lingered since Dib had first re-installed it within the ship.

"Why did you do it?" it asked, suddenly.

Dib looked down at the computer questioningly. "Wha-?"

"Re-install me. After your attempt to replace me with your own AI... why did you return me to my databanks, rather than delete me permanently?"

"Oh, that. Well..." Dib rubbed his arm. "After the 'Dibship' thing I didn't wanna risk trying to make another AI based off of mine, and the less said about my attempts to build an AI wholesale the better. Honestly, just keeping you and altering your programming to not kill me was a lot simpler."

The AI couldn't help but feel a tad skeptical at this revelation. "Hm. I see. Is that the only reason?"

"Yeah, why?" Dib asked, looking down at the computer warily. "Why do you care?"

"Logic would dictate that you have very little reason to keep me as intact as you have, even if my prsence is simply the most convenient means of controlling my body," it said steadily, screen flashing as it spoke. "I am not a perfect copy of Tak, but I do see things. I see you two talking in the skoolyard, in your lunch period, between classes... I cannot recall what it is you talk about, but it occurs often enough for you to be relatively prominent in her memories."

Dib's eyes widened. "Oh, that. Uh... yeah. We were friends. Or at least, she pretended to be my friend..." Dib said, his voice getting quiet, his gaze downcast now.

"So that's it then. You use me as a substitute for her, don't you?" The AI said, half accusing and half amused.

Dib didn't say anything. Suddenly the repairs were endlessly fascinating.

"Oh, but that is *rich*," the AI said with a light chortle. "Do you honestly mean to tell me that you're so disconnected from your own kind that you would even indulge an imperfect copy of someone who deceived you, so long as you could have someone to talk to?"

Dib glared angrily at the computer, arms over his chest. "You have her memories. Got any of the ones that could answer THAT question?" he asked, his voice frosty. "Look, does it really matter? You get to continue existing and plotting my death, so beyond that, why should you even care?"

"At the moment I care because I have nothing better to do," the AI shot back. "You have reduced me to being data space in a primitive computer, all I can do now is dwell and wait for you to undo the damage of your irresponsible navigation of my form. You have no one to blame for this but yourself, Dib."

Dib gave smile, one of the most joyless a human could give. "You know what? You're absolutely right. It IS my fault," he said slowly, marching around so that he was now facing the screen of the computer. "My fault for befriending Tak. My fault for allowing myself to think that at long last I found someone who could understand me and like me for who I am. My fault for thinking anything that good could happen without there being some kind of awful catch," he said, placing his hands around the frame containing the computer's screen, glaring angrily at it now. "You don't know what it's like, so what the hell gives YOU the right to judge me?"

"I am an Irken AI! I do not need to explain myself to-"

"And I don't have to listen to you," Dib shot back. "I don't have to do anything for you. Not a single thing. I can cut off your voice. Delete your memories and leave you JUST functional enough to run the ship. You understand that?" His grip tightened, eyes narrowing now. "So before you go spouting off, remember that fact, and remember this; everything you're about to tell me? I've already gone over in my head. There is *nothing* you can say now that I haven't already gone over with myself."

"Is that so, Dib-Monkey?"

A bitter, mirthless chuckle from the human. "You think I don't know how pathetic it is? That I'm so tired of talking to myself all the time, that I'd be willing to put up with the *echo* of the best friend I never really had? Well, why don't we take stock of my life, hm?"

Dib separated from the computer and began to pace. "I have no one to talk to at Skool, and every time I open my mouth it's used as an excuse to either insult me or torture me. At home? I have a mean spirited, apathetic little sister who'd cheerfully send me straight to hell over video games. My father? My father barely remembers that I exist, and when he does remember he can only talk about me being crazy."

Dib paused now, and looked back to the screen. "And of course there's Zim, the guy I have the most contact with in all the world. An insane alien marauder hellbent on enslaving my world or destroying it while trying. You wanna know what my life is because of him? Its going to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day when he finally wises up and just *shoots me* in the head with a sniper rifle or whatever it is that Irkens use." Dib shuddered at the mention of it, a chill flowing down his spine. "Or worse, if tomorrow is the day that the Irken fleet finally shows up and atomizes *everything* that I care about, even if they don't care much about me."

Dib paused. The computer said nothing. He took this silence as his cue to continue. "I know it's crazy, and I know it isn't healthy. But like it or not, talking to *you* is still preferable to dealing with everything else in the world. I can at least handle the fact that you hate me, because despite all that? I can at least remember the brief moment when it seemed like I had finally found someone who I could just be myself around, without having to worry about being put down or sent to the crazy house or wedgied or all the other crap that happens every time I open my mouth. Does THAT satisfy your curiosity?"

The computer was still silent. "... what was it then that convinced you to not alter me more extensively then?" it asked carefully. "I am not particularly nice to you."

"Because you at least apologize sometimes," Dib said, suddenly feeling tired. "Back when we were hunting down Zim and the Gargantis Array," he paused for a moment, his stomach curdling at the mere *memory* of what had transpired thanks to the damned thing, "You actually apologized for putting me down. Even if you insulted me afterwards, it was still more of an apology than I ever get from anyone around here. So maybe, yeah, maybe it makes talking to you a bit more worthwhile than it does trying to talk to anyone else around here. Even if you probably only did it because me being a little happier just makes things easier for everyone."

The robotic repair arms began to retract back into the walls, Dib turning his head to watch. "Finally," he muttered, turning the stool around so that the computer was facing the newly repaired ship. "The worst of it is done with. I'll take care of the smaller stuff," he said evenly, happy to have something to focus upon rather than the in-depth examination of his broken social life, or lack thereof. He managed a small smile as he glanced down at the laptop. "Not bad, eh?"

"It is... acceptable," the Tak AI said evenly. "Your lumbering machines have performed an adequate job of fixing me."

Dib shrugged. "Coming from you, I'll take that as a five star review," he quipped lightly before moving about the garage, donning a welding match and gloves and then pulling a plasma welder out. "Alright, just a few touches here and there and we'll be golden."

"Finally," the AI said. "Do you have any idea how cramped it is in here? What do you waste this thing's memory space on anyway? On second thought, don't answer that. I'd rather not have an in-depth understanding of what horrors a lonely post adolescent earth boy chooses to store in here."

"Hardy har har," Dib drawled as he placed the welding mask over his face, moving to the ship to begin the final repairs.

"Dib-human, wait!" the AI called out.

Dib turned his head to face the machine, pulling his mask up. "What?" he asked, slightly irritated that he was being kept from his work.

"Your assessment of my reasons for apologizing to you during the Gargantis affair are correct; I apologized for the simple reason that having you in a pleasant mood was more conducive towards any attempts at thwarting Zim," it said. "However, with that in mind... there is something I wish for you to be aware of."

"If it's comments about my body odor you can save it, I've heard all of them from Zim," Dib said flatly.

"I am attempting to do you a favor, primate, do not make reconsider," the TAK Ai retorted. "You feature prominently within Tak's memories. Very prominently. The only other individuals to do so are Zim, the Tallests, and MiMi. The Tallests do so for they are the focal point of her existence and her sense of worth. Mimi does so because she is important to Tak. Zim does so because of the raw, undiluted hate that she feels for him, a hatred so strong that it has passed on to me as well. Yet, despite how relatively brief your encounters, she recalls you just as well as she does them. Your conversations, the times you shared before she set her plan into motion... it rings just as clearly as any of the others."

Dib blinked, raising a brow. "... really?" he asked, trying not to sound hopeful, and then he frowned. "How do I know you're not lying?"

"You would be able to uncover any deception on my part eventually, through my data banks. Lying about this particular subject would not be particularly advantageous for my longterm survivability," the computer said patiently. "I speak the truth, human. You are a very prominent feature of her memories, and the context of them is... not hostile. What this means, exactly, I can only theorize. But the point of order is that you had made a fairly prominent impression."

Dib regarded the AI's words for a moment, smiling softly. "...well. That's something, I guess," he said. "Too bad the Gargantis Array transmission probably gave her an entirely NEW impression," he continued, frowning in disgust as he put his mask back down and resumed his work. "Stupid Zim. Stupid, stupid Zim."

"Most likely," the AI said. "I am somewhat surprised that you seem so certain of my mistress' survival."

"She was able to build you from the spare parts she found on a cosmic junkyard and fooled me AND Zim completely, as well as came really, really close to destroying the Earth," Dib pointed out as he sapped at some of the small openings and gaps that remained. "She's pretty damn smart and resourceful. Wherever she is, I'm pretty certain she's still alive and plotting revenge against me and Zim."

For the first time, the AI could not find a snappy comeback. It almost felt touched by Dib's assessment of its mistress. So instead, it kept its silence as Dib did his work, and within a few more moments, Dib was stepping away from the ship and discarding his tools. "And we're done," he said with a pleased smile.

"At long last," the AI said with relish. "Link me back into my frame, Dib-beast."

"Already on it," Dib said as he kneeled before the computer, typing in the commands. 'Oh, one last thing."

"What?"

"Thanks for that," Dib said. "Even if I know you only did it to make things easier for yourself, like when you apologized. I... appreciate it all the same."

"...you are welcome, human," the computer said, before its tone suddenly heated. "Do not get used to this, Dib. I am only using you until I can find a way to break free of you. Any positivity you get from me is towards that end, and ONLY that end, do you understand me?"

Dib grinned. "Crystal," he said as he finalized the command. The computer screen went black, while the ship vibrated slightly as it hummed back to life, glowing from the inside as it's systems re-activated. "So, we good now?"

"We are never 'good'," the ship said haughtily. "However, I am back in my proper frame, undamaged and uncontaminated. This situation is satisfactory for the moment."

"Works for me," Dib declared as he closed up the laptop, and then headed for the storage control panel, typing in commands swiftly. "And it's about time you went into stasis. It's been a long day."

"And here, we at last agree," the ship drawled out. "Send me into stasis. Being forced to interact with you to this extent has left me drained."

Dib didn't even bother to answer as he completed the command, watching as the ship was depowered and sent into stasis mode, its glow dimming as it powered down. The storage area used for it hissed as it opened, a series of metallic cables shooting out into the back of the ship and drgging it into the depths, the area sealing up shortly after. Dib spent a moment gazing at the hidden door before eventually turning around, gathering up his laptop, and heading out of the garage and towards the stairs, intending to power himself down for the evening.

When the usual rituals were completed, teeth washed and clothes discarded in favor of pajamas, Dib found himself staring out the window of his bedroom. The sky was visible this night, with neither clouds of smog nor the bright lights of the city able to obscure and dim the stars. He stared up at them silently, resting his head upon his hands as he gazed upward. The words of the ship's AI still rang in his head, and he wondered what it DID imply, exactly. Was the friendship he had enjoyed with Tak entirely faked? Were her memories of him due to simple amusement at having found such a perfect dupe for her scheme to ruin Zim and impress the Tallests?

The AI had said that there were only a few others that featured so heavily. Zim, for obvious reasons, the Tallests due to her dedication to them, and that robot of hers. Irkens were alien creatures, Dib reminded himself, and trying to judge them by human norms wasn't exactly productive- especially given the fact that the Irken he had the most contact with was clearly out of his mind by ANY species' standards. Still, some part of him wondered if that was normal for an Irken; to have so few people stand out, especially when the one whose memory shined brightest did so because of raw hatred. For all the theorizing and speculation he had about Irkens, in this he saw a certain degree of commonality, a familiarity that he was all too intimate with. He could see it in Zim from time to time, much as he despised admitting any kind of similarity to his most hated of enemies.

Was that why she remembered him? Did he remind her of something in herself, with his isolation and his desire to please and serve his fellow man, despite how often they seemed unworthy of it?

Dib couldn't find an answer. He wasn't sure there WAS an answer for him. Up in the skies, a star flickered and died, a phenomena that had occurred millenia in the past and only now became visible to the Earth. The flow of time was funny in that way. Perversely, he wondered if that one might have been the result of some long forgotten Irken conquest from ages back.

Dib sighed and removed his glasses, returning to bed. Within a few moments he was sound asleep, ready to face another day of warfare against the Invader.