Words between asterisk *written like this* are actions. Words in italics are thoughts of the speaker. A series of asterisks such as ****** are dividers between situations.
Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury. The idea of the house elves taking over Hogwarts came from a great fanfic I read about a Mary Sue parody and Snape hitting on Dumbledore. Sorry I really can't remember the name of it. If anyone knows which fic it is, please let me know.
Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, praise is always welcome, but flames are ignored so don't even bother.
The Betting Game: Addiction at Hogwarts
Snape: I'll bet you 5 galleons that stumpy boy is a Hufflepuff.
Sprout: You're on! He's gotta be a Gryffindor.
Snape: Albus, you in on this one?
Dumbledore: Must you do this every year Seve-
HAT: HUFFLEPUFF!
Snape: I AM THE MAN!
Sprout: Damn.
********
McGonagall: Albus, of all the things to give the boy, why, for Merlin's green beard, why an invisibility cloak? You KNOW he's only going to get into trouble with it. A BB gun would have been safer.
Dumbledore: And why does it always have to be about safety of the students? What about me, Minerva? Does anyone care that I'm bored outta my mind here?! Don't I need a little entertainment? If Harry's anything like his father, things will get very interesting very soon, I predict. Ah, I love Christmas...
McGonagall: I bet Severus put him up to this.
*********Teachers' table at Breakfast********
Snape: Minerva, I'll bet you 50 points that Dumbledor eats the culdron cake before the treacle tart.
McGonagall: Oh for Merlin's sake! Have you been observing Albus' eating habits again?
Snape: It does sound kinda pathetic when she says it out loud. Uh… no, do you think I have nothing better to do with my time than watch an old wizard eat? *trying to change the subject* Fine, then I'll bet 50 house points that Flitwick wears a wig.
McGonagall: You're on! Ha, I "accidentally" ran into Flitwick the other day and the hair DID NOT come off, easiest 50 house points I've ever won.
*A wind magically whips up Flitwick's wig, Flitwick runs out after it, Dumbledor glares at Snape, Snape gives Dumbledore the "what?" look, then turns to McGonagall with a smirk*
McGonagall: Damn.
********** Later, during Potions class********
Snape: Mr. Potter, who would you say is the best teacher at Hogwarts?
Harry: Professor Lupin, no question!
Snape: *sneer* Wrong, the correct answer is Professor Snape. That'll be 50 points from Gryffindor.
Gryffindors: Hey!!! You can't take points for that.
Snape: Oh no?
Harry: I'm going to talk to Professor McGonagall about this.
Snape: *smirk* Please do.
**********After Transfiguration class*******
Harry: Professor McGonagall, Snape was completely unreasonable, I mean what kind of a question was that?!
McGonagall: Damn Snape and his stupid bets! Damn Flitwick and his hair loss. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, he's already taken-off the points. I hope in the future if Prof. Snape asks a...an abnormal question, you'll just humor him and play along.
***********
Snape: It's a shame Lockhart lost his memory.
Pomfrey: Why Severus, I didn't think you cared much for Gilderoy.
Snape: *glares at Pomfrey*
McGonagall: Hmph! Oh I'm sure Severus cared very much…for his profits. So tell us, how much did that idiot owe you Severus?
Snape: *grimace* 50 galleons, 25 knuts, 3 Gryffindor detentions and 175 house points to Slytherin!
Sprout: *frowning* He owes me 25 sickles and a day of fertilizing the mandrakes!
Snape: *thoughtful* 50 galleons…That's a lot of dragon's teeth I could have bought…
Trelawney: My inner eye told me that he would not be able to follow through, yet I still bet him 5 kilograms of tea leaves and 3 kilograms of incense.
Snape: *getting upset as he further ponders his loss* I had the detentions thought out already! Potter, Weasley, and Longbottom were going to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon removing toad spleens.
Hooch: Lockhart bet me that the Wimbledon Wasps were going to lose to the Madagascan Mavens! Easiest bet I've made since that '85 game with Ludo Bagman!!
Snape: *even more worked up* 175 HOUSE POINTS!!
Flitwick: So I guess I won't be getting that dinner I won from him.
*Everyone stares at Flitwick*
Flitwick: What?! He's famous, witches love him! If I have dinner with him I'll be in the spotlight for a bit. Come on, like you've never wanted to be in the spotlight! We're underappreciated, underpaid (no offense Albus), overstressed, over-taxed teachers!!! Even Severus is obsessed with Harry's fame!!!
*Everyone turns their attention to said Potions master*
Snape: *whining now* We were going to win the house cup with those extra points!!! Then "FAMOUS Harry Potter" wouldn't be strutting around anymore!
Dumbledore: *raising his voice* I highly disapprove of my esteemed colleagues placing bets and taking advantage of an idiot like Gilderoy Lockhart. I do not believe I need to remind you all that you are professors of Hogwarts, the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry?
*Professors look ashamed*
Dumbledore: And Severus, your obsession with Harry Potter is just not healthy! Your obsession with his father was understandable, you had a crush on James, we all knew that. But obsessing over his son, your student! That makes you a borderline pedophile. I'm afraid I'll have to draw the line at that.
Snape: *shocked* They all knew?!! Was I that obvious?!?! Uh oh they're staring…should I deny it? Or should I change the subject?
*At this intense moment, Dobby walks in with tea and scones*
Snape: Ah ha! Just the distraction I need! Headmaster, Dobby bet against Lockhart too!
Dumbledore: *surprised* Is this true Dobby?
Snape: Ha! I am the master of cunning!!! Slytherins RULE!
Dobby: Yes Headmaster. Dobby told Professor Lockhart that 235 multiplied by 75 is more than a Professor's salary at Hogwarts. But Professor didn't believe Dobby. He thinks Dobby is stupid house elf, so Dobby tells him to put his money where his mouth is. So we bet. We asked Professor Vector and Dobby was right.
Dumbledore: *sighs* Well what did you win in the bet Dobby?
Dobby: Dobby bet for Professor's pink socks with purple hearts!! *big smile*
Snape: *sneers* Well sorry to disappoint you Dobby, but you won't be getting those lurid socks. Lockhart's lost his memory, we can't get anything now.
Dobby: But Professor, Dobby already got the socks. Dobby doesn't let the debts pile up. Dobby collects winnings right away.
*Professors stare in disbelief*
Dumbledore: Hahahaha. Very clever indeed Dobby. Well I hope you've learned something professors. Thank you for the tea Dobby, you may go now.
*Dobby leaves*
Dumbledore: *very serious now, in a low voice* I think the house elves are getting too smart. We should do something about this before they overtake Hogwarts.
Snape: Finally! Someone agrees with me! I'll bet you 3 galleons Dobby is their ring leader!