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Is this slash? Are there men chasing each other? Yes. Do they want to? No. Can they help themselves? Absolutely not. Oh Albus, what have you done?
Part 1: A bored Headmaster.
**** Contains spoilers for the entire series, though it doesn't follow canon after GF because that would be no fun. Using Rowling's characters, not making any money off this, it's therapy for me. *****
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*********Dumbledore's Office*********
Snape: You asked to see me Headmaster?
Dumbledore: *looks up from his paper* Ah Severus, thank you for coming so quickly. I've a request however it is of a …shall we say delicate nature that requires a bit of …
Snape: *sneers knowingly* What have you concocted this time?
Dumbledore: First I need your sworn secrecy on the matter.
Snape: My middle name is Secret.
Dumbledore: *blinks* I thought your middle name was Eileen.
Snape: *annoyed* It's neither! I was using a muggle expression. Just tell me what you need of me so I can get on with my evening.
Dumbledore: *curious* And what is it that you're so devoted to in the evenings, Severus?
Snape: *puts on his best Death Eater -before-a-questioning- face* Nothing, I just like some time to myself.
Dumbledore: *musing* Hmmm…is that so? Because the other day I walked by your rooms and I heard some-
Snape: *irate* Snooping again?! Why must you thrust your gargantuan nose into everyone's business??!
Dumbledore: *slightly affronted* Don't you think gargantuan is a bit harsh, coming from you?
Snape: *sneers* Hardly.
Dumbledore: Why do you always get so touchy at the slightest mention of your private life?
Snape: *blank, unreadable face again* Most of the time I find myself being questioned by you or the Dark Lord. I am an adult yet I'm obligated to answer and act accordingly to the two of you megalomaniacs as if I were a child. Therefore I would like to have a part of my life that is privy to no one else but me.
Dumbledore: *musing* No, no that answer was too conditioned. You are a hard lemon drop to crack….another time then. Back to the matter at hand, I need you to brew me 2 bottles of love potion.
Snape: *suspicious* For what? Is Hagrid having trouble breeding the hippogriffs?
Dumbledore: No, I need it for an…experiment.
Snape: *feels terror creeping up his spine* And, uh, am I correct in assuming that I will not be a guinea pig in this experiment, headmaster…?
Dumbledore: *chuckles* Oh my dear boy, look at you! Now if I were to slip you a love potion, would I have you brewing one up?
Snape: *narrows his eyes, still suspicious*
Dumbledore: I need the potions for Remus and Sirius. And I'll need it in time for the weekend.
Snape: *contemplating* You're going to poison Black and Lupin? Alright, I see no harm in it, might be scientific actually…
Dumbledore: *musing to himself * Now when is the best time to slip it into their drinks? They'll need to be in the same room at the same time…
Snape: *getting excited* And they must see the object of their affection right after drinking the potion. We could have Dobby slip the potion into their drinks but how to make sure they see each other…
Dumbledore: *amused* Now, now Severus, you leave that up to me, it is after all how I entertain myself these days. But I will need the potions by the weekend. And put a time limit on it, have the magic wear off Sunday night. We wouldn't want things to go too far, would we?
Snape: *mocking, with one raised eyebrow* Albus Dumbledore with a conscience?
*Snape turns and leaves to prepare the potions*
Dumbledore *chuckles* Ah Severus…still so trusting.
*********** Next day at the Breakfast table ***********
MG: *glances at Snape* You look worse than usual, Severus.
Snape: *throws a thunderous glare* You're no breath of spring either.
*A spoon flies across the table and hits Snape on the forehead. Snape glares down the table at the staff to find Dumbledore's smiling face*
Snape: Leglimens this early in the morning? Is nothing sacred to you?
Dumbledore: *smiles even wider* Nope
*catapults Flitwick's spoon at Snape's head*
Flitwick: My spoon! Severus, stop that this instant!
Snape: WHAT?! Why would I be flinging spoons at myself?!!!
Flitwick: I thought your hair was magnetized again.
Snape: *grits through teeth* Frizzy is not the same as static electricity which is not the same as, nevermind!
*glares back at Dumbledore*
Did you receive the vials?
Dumbledore: You are quite talented, Severus. I did not expect them so soon. Did you sleep at all last night?
Snape: *raises an eyebrow* Didn't you hear Minerva's morning greeting? I didn't get these dark circles around my eyes from my non-existent social life.
Dumbledore: *smiling with a twinkle in his eyes* Well there was a lot of noise coming from your rooms-
Snape: ENOUGH!
*staff all stop their eating to stare at Snape, then deciding it was just one of his episodes from lack of sleep, return to their conversations and muffins*
Snape: *narrows his eyes at Dumbledore* I'm switching to Occlumency now.
Dumbledore: Severus
Snape: ….
Dumbledore: Severus!
Snape: …
Dumbldedore: Brat.
McGonagall: *in a low voice* What is going on Albus? Severus looks like an Inferius and we both know he only looks like that when he's on assignment from you.
Dumbledore: *flattered* Are you saying Severus fears me more than he fears Tom?
McGonagall: *glares at Dumbledore* I'm saying Voldemort doesn't have Severus complete ridiculous projects in impossible time frames.
Dumbledore: *innocently*I was under the impression that Severus enjoyed a challenge.
McGonagall: He's not your entertainment Albus! And he's not a child anymore, you can't- SEVERUS SNAPE! DON'T YOU DARE HURL THAT SPOON AT FILIUS! And I'd better not find my drinks tampered with unless you want to be transfigured into a litter box!
*takes a breath*So Albus, are you going to tell me what you've been up to or do you fancy a transfiguration as well?
Dumbledore: *chuckles* Don't worry yourself Minerva, I simply asked Severus for 2 love potions.
McGonagall: You can make that potion yourself, why did you get him to do it?
Dumbledore: It's sweeter this way. He thinks I mean to have Remus and Sirius in love with each other. BUT, I'm going to have the both of them in love with Severus.
McGonagall: Albus, you sick, depraved man. Should I even ask for what purpose?
Dumbledore: *cheerful* Patience, my dear.
*Breakfast is coming to an end and Snape, as usual, is the first to get up from the table. Dumbledore waits for Snape to walk out of earshot then raises his glass of pumpkin juice at the staff*
Dumbledore: To the end of midterms!
*Staff mutters similar sentiments and downs their drinks. Dumbledore watches Sirius and Remus gulp their drinks and looks across the room to see that Snape has almost reached the end of the Dining Hall*
Dumbledore: Oh my, is Severus wearing pink flip-flops?
*all eyes on Snape as he opens the doors and slips behind them, robes following like a shadow*
Trelawney: I don't see anything.
McGonagall: *rolls eyes* Big surprise.
*Sirius and Remus excuse themselves from the table and walk hurriedly in the same direction Snape went*
Dumbledore: *smug smile* Mischief accomplished.My dear colleagues, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are now under the influence of the love potion, and if I know Severus, he will have brewed it extra-strength. Now both men will be vying for the attention of one cranky Potions Master. No doubt, they will each be using interesting tactics to gain Severus' affections. I believe this is what Muggles call "getting their game on." Who will succeed?
*peers above his glasses at the staff*
I will start taking bets now.
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Oh wow this took me a loooooong time to finish. I blame it on OoTP, HBP, and DH being so depressing. But thanks to those who suggested I include Leglimens, and thanks to all who suggested I include Lucius Malfoy. This arc is really writing just to include Lucius. This chapter was the set up, the action is in the next chapter!
Next chapter: Lucius Malfoy comes to Hogwarts!