Title: A Cheerleader Far, Far Away
Author: JoeHundredaire
Rating: R/FR18.
Pairings: Cordelia Chase/f+
Disclaimer: Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… after being passed around like a slut at a frat party over the past few years, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel: the Series, and all associated characters now belong to Warner Brothers. And now that The Force Awakens is out and breaking records left and right, I'm reasonably certain that George Lucas regrets selling Star Wars to Disney. Eh, serves the miserable old misogynist bastard right in my none-too-humble opinion. Hiskari Dorset is all mine, though, so I won't be terribly amused if I see her popping up in stories that aren't mine without being asked first.
Summary: Cordelia Chase gets a new lease on life after her death on Earth. Heaven help the galaxy far, far away…
Joe's Note: According to my Whole Story saved copy of Cordylosophies from Twisting the Hellmouth, the first chapters of this story date all the way back to August 29, 2006. That sets it firmly before the debut of either The Clone Wars or Rebels, and means that it utilizes some material that was firmly retconned even before the Disney takeover and the introduction of 'Legends' designation for all unwanted Expanded Universe material. I'll be mixing together a little bit of a lot of things here, drawing from novels, comics, and the aforementioned cartoons as I see fit. Some characters will seem very different because of that, but… well, blame the old Lucasfilm crew for not keeping their stories straight? And if you're racking your brain trying to figure out where Hiskari came from, she's an original character. She was first created to add an extraordinarily inhuman presence to Carry You Home, and has gone through a few revisions over the years as she's appeared in different stories. Still wholly and entirely mine, though.
Dedications & Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Thyatira, William, Wil, Invernos, Jack, Pat, Warren, Chris, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

"Made exceptions in the past, we have. Yet called before the Council, you are again. Resolved for good, I declare this issue must now be."

Cordelia Chase rolled her eyes before turning her head and pointedly staring out one of the massive windows of the High Council Chamber, preferring the view of the Coruscanti cityscape over the accusing gazes of those she'd been called before. When the Powers-That-Kept-Screwing-Her-Over had offered to reincarnate her in another universe as an apology for that whole Jasmine debacle and the final death of her body on Earth, she'd jumped at the chance. Because honestly, at least in her opinion? Finding out that the Judeo-Christian, paradisal afterlife was really what came after death had been a hell of a disappointment. All white and glowy and peaceful? Who in their right mind would want to spend all of eternity doing something so… well, boring? There was no point to it. Sitting around all day, watching the living. Ugh. It was like a soap opera with even worse actors than a real soap opera. And what was the use of being able to see the newest fashions before they hit the runways if she wasn't even corporeal enough to buy them?

The Powers had claimed that her reincarnation was a 'reward' and so she'd assumed that they weren't going to send her to Vampire Willow's universe or anything. Which was part of why she'd agreed; with that theoretically taken off the table, what was the worst that could happen to her? A trip to the infamous world without shrimp? And unless they sent her to somewhere really 'alternate', chances were that she'd get to see all of her friends again, albeit slightly differently than she remembered. So she'd said yes.

Evidently, though, she'd been mistaken in her assumption that 'another' universe meant an 'alternate' universe. Because that would have been too simple and logical. Instead, the Powers had packed her up and shipped her off to literally another universe entirely, reincarnating her as a teenage girl on a strange new planet in a galaxy that definitely wasn't the Milky Way. The kicker? She'd still managed to end up as part of her new home's main group of do-gooders… who happened to be emotionally repressed to a degree that would make Angel in his broodiest phase seem extroverted.

To top it off, her new companions had the worst fashion sense out of anyone she'd ever met. And that was really saying something given the motley crew of companions that she'd worked with back in Los Angeles: a vampire who couldn't see his own reflection to see how awful he looked sometimes, a former watcher trying far too hard to seem rebellious, a half-demon, a street rat, and a girl who liked to hole up in her room and write on the walls. But giving the Order a makeover - or at least breaking them of their mad-on for various, utterly unflattering shades of brown - remained a problem for another day, when she wasn't getting bitched at by the Council for having fun. Again. "I still don't see the problem. She wanted to have sex in the training room, I obviously wanted it, we locked the doors to keep impressionable young eyes away from said sex…"

"And yet despite your best attempts to be discreet, you still managed to be discovered." Adi Gallia tilted her head to the side as she regarded Cordelia with a faintly condescending look, one corner of her mouth quirked upward in a smirk. "I don't suppose you remember why, do you, Padawan?"

Cordelia blushed faintly and nodded. To be fair, though, while she had been reincarnated with the memories of a sixteen-year-old who had been raised in the Jedi Temple since she was an infant? Those habits that should have accompanied that upbringing weren't quite as ingrained as if she actually was that girl, and so Cordelia regularly slipped and thought like her original self rather than the Jedi she was training to be. Which in this case had caused her normally detail-oriented mind to overlook something that should have been incredibly obvious, and would have been to any of her peers. Although Hiskari hadn't thought of it either, which made her feel slightly better? "We forgot to shield ourselves, and so we ended up broadcasting… stuff. To people."

Steepling his fingers beneath his chin, Mace Windu arched an eyebrow at her words but otherwise remained impassive as he stared down at you. "An understatement if ever I've heard one, Padawan Chase. Nearly a quarter of the Temple was exposed to your 'broadcast', including a large number of younglings. Younglings who now have many questions… that you are going to be stuck answering. Assuming that you can convince us not to expel you from the Order, that is." They were going to make her teach sex ed to a bunch of little Jedi-to-be? That was… harsh but fair, she conceded. Hmm. Considering what the alien-to-human ratio was like in the Order, she should probably bone up on her non-human anatomy and mating practices. Heh. Bone up. Wink wink, nudge nudge. "Attachment is forbidden. Your relationship violates the Jedi Code, and we have already spoken to you once about the matter. Yet you and Padawan Dorset continue to grow closer. Your failure to deal with the situation of your own accord means that we are now forced to address the matter for you."

Yes, and Cordelia was sure that it was a hardship for the Samuel L. Jackson lookalike. He'd had it out for her ever since that time that she'd convinced one of the Temple astromechs to load a crate of snakes onto his Eta-class shuttle to see how he dealt with the 'motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking ship'. Which had ended with him plowing the poor craft into the side of an equally innocent Arquitens-class light cruiser. Nobody had walked away from that one happy, especially Cordelia. She'd spent good money on those snakes, and he'd gone and gotten them killed. Ugh. Loser. And besides… "Please, like you're actually going to kick me out of your little club. I've got a midi-chlorian count of seventeen thousand, and enough training under my belt to be a serious pain in your asses if I was allowed to roam free. Oh yeah, and there's that whole part about me being incarnated directly as one of your padawans. I'm literally a gift from the Force."

"Return you, I wish we could." It was only her years of learning to listen very careful for signs of sneaking vampires that let Cordelia pick up Yoda's muttered complaint. Raising his voice to normal levels, he continued. "Aware of your unique origin, we are. Saddled with your presence, the Jedi Order very well may be. Sound, your reasoning is. Yet… with Padawan Dorset, inappropriate your behavior is. Stop it, you must. Required in the Order, her presence is not."

It took Cordelia a few seconds to translate that from gnome-speak to Basic, and then her eyes narrowed. "So what, you know you can't get rid of me so instead you're going to threaten to kick Hiskari out if we continue to see each other?" After a few seconds, she realized exactly why the idea bothered her so much - apart from the obvious, of course - and fixed Yoda with an indignant look. "Wait. I can think of at least two-dozen different padawans that I've caught getting horizontal with each other. Why haven't I heard about any of them getting called before you so you can bitch at them?"

The gathered Jedi Masters shifted as they exchanged looks, their unease easy for Cordelia to detect through her increasingly refined connection to the Force. Whatever the answer was, clearly none of them wanted to be the one stuck voicing it. Finally, Oppo Rancisis let out a low growl of annoyance and broke the silence. "To be a Jedi does not require you to be celibate, Jedi Chase, although it is traditional among members of the Order. But at the end of the day, it is solely attachment that is forbidden."

"Woah woah woah. Wait a minute. Are you serious?" Cordelia held up her hand as she stared at Oppo in disbelief, trying to figure out whether the wizened old Thisspiasian meant what Cordelia thought he meant. Because if she was hearing things right… she'd quite possibly stumbled onto the perfect Get Out of Jail Free card for her and Hiskari. Or - failing that - her sex life was going to be a lot more interesting from here on out. "So you're telling me that I can have sex with other Jedi - and presumably other non-Jedi too - as long as I don't date any of them? Or fall in love, obviously? That's the message here?" Even as the other masters suddenly found the world outside the chamber's windows to be incredibly fascinating, Oppo met her eager eyes with a cautious and suspicious look before nodding slowly. "That… is… fucking… awesome! Pun totally intended. Holy shit. I feel like I should make a To-Do List so I don't forget anyone. All right, give me a second… let me think… okay. I have a plan. As soon as you dismiss me, you guys can call Hiskari up here, read her the riot act, and kick her out of the Order. That'll make things so much easier on me than if I have to dump her myself."

Eleven other heads snapped to stare at her so fast Cordelia was worried they'd all get whiplash. "Your abrupt reversal of opinion on this matter is… unsettling. And a 'To-Do List'?" Mace looked vaguely discomfited by the phrase; while Cordelia assumed that the term was familiar to him, he was at least smart enough to realize that she wasn't talking about it in the traditional sense. "What exactly do you mean?"

Cordelia clapped her hands together as she looked around the room, grinning widely. "Do you know how many amazingly hot padawans you have running around the Temple right now? Both guys and girls? With the exercise program you've got us all on, you could probably run the galaxy's top modeling agency. If I'd known that dating was taboo but sleeping around was cool with you guys, I would have started bed-hopping a long, long time ago. Let me see… there's that Mini-Me who Master Ti refuses to bring to our training sessions anymore because I won't stop flirting with her, I've met a lot of guys here who are positively gorgeous, and there are at least five different flavors of Twi'lek in the Temple right now. Maybe I'll go taste the rainbow." By now the masters were all looking incredibly uncomfortable, but Cordelia decided to go for the kill by making things personal. "Or… why waste my time on a bad copy when I can have the original? Master Ti and I sometimes discuss haute cuisine and some of the restaurants that I've visited as part of my consulting jobs. Since I'm still a padawan, I'm not allowed to leave the Temple without an escort and she's clearly angling to be that person for me at some point. Maybe she'd be free to take me out to dinner tomorrow night?"

"In the past, we have made exceptions for your living quarters, your education, and your desire to embrace current galactic fashions instead of traditional robes." Coleman Trebor closed his eyes for a moment, head tilted to one side, before opening them against to stare at her. "I'm believe that in light of the relevant new information you've brought before the Council regarding your case, we should make another exception for your relationship with Padawan Dorset, just as Master Mundi has received special dispensation regarding his wives due to the nature of Cerean society. All in favor?" His hand and eleven others shot up into the air. "All opposed?" None. "I believe the matter has been resolved. You're dismissed."

Bouncing up and down on her toes a few times, Cordelia grinned. "Now was that so hard? If you'd just figured that out the last time we had this conversation, we could have saved us all some time." Looking around, Cordelia waited but nobody spoke up to dismiss her and so she jerked her thumb back over her shoulder toward the turbolift. "Well, I should probably get back. You guys pulled me out of a training session. An actual one that is, not one of my fun little 'training sessions' with Hiskari. This was fun. We should to it again sometime." Before one of the masters could answer, she hustled over to the turbolift. Pressing the right button, she gave the assembly a wide smile before disappearing from view.

"Tricked, I believe we were." Yoda frowned as he turned his hover chair to face the shadowy alcove behind him. "Ashamed, I feel."

Two figures emerged from the darkness, both of them cloaked in the standard earth tone robes of a Jedi. "Hiskari Dorset is my padawan. At least with the present situation, Padawan Chase's oddness is contained to just one other member of the Order." J'Mikel gestured to Eeth Koth for a moment, and then to the Togruta standing next to him. "I personally believe we should choose to look at this outcome as a victory; I've seen her looking at your Padawan Tod, Master Koth, to say nothing of the individuals she mentioned outright. If we had to choose, would you rather see Jedi Chase with Padawan Dorset or hopping from padawan to padawan and infecting others with her bizarre ideals and vocabulary?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Most certainly not."

"A good point do you have."

"I find myself… conflicted. I actually do wish to visit most if not all of the restaurants that Padawan Chase and I have talked about, and having someone to pick up the tab for me would have been nice." All attention turned to Shaak Ti, who merely shrugged. "Given that none of her income-earning ventures actually violate the rules of the Order, we have been unable to forbid her from engaging in them and her personal wealth continues to grow. It would have been easier for me to take advantage of that, rather than justifying my need to requisition Republic credits from the Temple quartermaster so that I can dine out some night. And she's actually rather attractive… for a human."