Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.

First off, please listen to 'Broken' by Seether when reading this if you really want to feel.

I think my reason for writing this goes without saying, to be honest. I feel like these more recent writers, so eager to show off their power, don't give a flying fuck about us and are making Sam and Dean so OOC it's not funny – because Cas is their family and the day in-character Dean doesn't realise that his family is in trouble and treats Cas as an expendable tool is the day Hell freezes over – just to sink Destiel and crap on Cas and spit in our faces. I miss the days of Manners, Gamble and Edlund, where they told us that Destiel wasn't gonna happen but were cool with letting us ship it and interpret the subtext and actually respected us fans. Thanks, writers, for making me feel depressed to watch one of the few things that really makes me happy these days.

Also, props to masterjediratgrl31 for getting in with this before me. We were ranting together and she wrote a 'Cas finally speaks his mind' fic called 'The Truth of the Matter', which y'all need to check out because it's seriously awesome.

"Why?" Dean said desperately. "Why the hell did you do that, Cas? Why'd you say yes to Lucifer?"

He was surprised when Cas levelled him with a terrible glare. Since when did Cas look at him like that? Although, what with recent events, he really couldn't blame Cas for giving him such a horrible look.

"Because I'm expendable," Cas snapped. "A pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good. I'm just a tool to you, am I not?"

Dean gaped. Something sharp seemed to stab him in the heart at the look of utter betrayal in his angel's eyes.

"W-What the hell? You're not – what brought that on, Cas? You're family!"

"You certainly treated me like family," Cas said acidly. "I won't deny that you have treated me as one of your family but you have been using me as you saw fit for years, Dean. I did not involve you in Heaven's civil war to spare you, because I cared about you, but you didn't even try to understand my position. You just expected me to come whenever you called and help you when you required me."

Dean mutely shook his head. But Cas wasn't finished.

"Then you came to find me when I was Emmanuel so that I could heal Sam, only to abandon me in a mental institution with Meg when I was no longer useful. A demon showed me more kindness than you did, Dean. And you told me yourself: 'No one cares if I'm broken'. Those words still stay with me and they still haunt me."

Dean tried to speak, to apologise for the fucking awful things he'd said, but his mouth wouldn't move.

"And yes, you redeemed yourself for all of this by keeping my coat and telling me that you wanted me, cursed or not, and then trying your hardest to save me from Purgatory, and I am grateful to you for all of that, Dean. But it still hurt, to know that you would cast me aside when I couldn't help. And then Metatron managed to manipulate me and I became human."

"Crap," Dean murmured. "I felt like shit for kicking you out, Cas! But Gadreel –"

"I know what Gadreel said!" Cas barked. Dean immediately shut up, unaccustomed to Cas talking to him like this. "But you still could have helped me, Dean! I thought that you were always there for family no matter what! I helped you for years because I loved you, not expecting or asking for anything in return! I thought that you would help me when I was lost and in pain and desperate! I thought that you would at least have allowed me to stay nearby and helped me, even if I couldn't stay with you! But you still kicked me out and left me to fend for myself! And especially after I slept with April – I thought that you were ashamed of what I had done, sleeping with a reaper and allowing myself to get killed! I blamed myself, Dean! I was worthless, dirty, tainted – not even fit to grace the lowest of humans! Yet I was shown kindness by humans who had nothing to give me but still wished to help."

Cas loved him?

"Cas –"

"Let me finish! When I finally acquired an army to beat Metatron, I threw it all away. For you, Dean. For you. Because I still loved you. And I was devastated to learn of your death when Metatron cornered me in Heaven. When Sam told me that you were a demon, I felt a tiny sliver of hope. You could be saved! And for a while, once you returned to being human, everything felt as right as it could be while you had the Mark of Cain. I was being treated as a friend and I thought that I would finally stop being used!"

Cas was shaking. Dean's stomach was churning with guilt. Cas had been bottling all of this up and he'd had no idea!

"And then it wasn't you who used me this time but Sam," Cas continued. Dean heard footsteps behind him and turned slightly to see that Sam had entered the room, staring at Cas with an open mouth and eyes alight with guilt. "Sam convinced me to assist in removing the Mark of Cain. I knew that you wouldn't be happy with me, Dean, for going behind your back. I knew that there would be consequences. But I loved you, so I followed Sam's plan. I watched Charlie and Rowena. And I allowed Charlie to leave, so her blood is also on my hands."

"No!" Sam said. "Cas, you don't have anything to do with Charlie's death! That one's all on me!"

Cas' lips twitched sardonically.

"Even if that were true, my hands are already dripping in blood. And after you two saved me from Rowena's spell, everything began to go downhill again. I was broken. I couldn't leave the bunker because I was weak and suffered from flashbacks. I expected one of you to ask me what was wrong but neither of you did! Sam was preoccupied with visions he believed were from God, while you were obsessed with the Darkness. You didn't care if I was okay or not!"

Cas' blue eyes were bright, though with agony and unshed tears. Dean felt his heart slowly begin to break. How could he have fucked up this bad? How could he have mistreated his angel like this?

"Even broken and useless, I still assisted you in researching cases! I believed that you two cared, that you were simply trying to distract me from my worthlessness. But I was foolishly wrong. You two were just using me yet again, as though I was a tool to be wielded whenever necessary. Neither of you cared whether I was okay! And then after I confronted Metatron and let him go, you yelled at me, Dean! You made me feel like a weak failure for allowing Metatron to escape, yet when I asked how Amara got away, you avoided the subject! And I didn't call you out on your hypocrisy because I loved you and didn't want to spark even more of an argument!"

"I'm sor –"

"You didn't even care what Metatron said to me, did you? You never even thought to ask! He said that I was broken! That I was scarred deeply; paralysed by trauma! He said that I was mad at being everyone's tool, at being manipulated by my siblings, by my enemies…and by my friends. And he was right."

Cas' shaking had gotten worse; though whether he was shaking with rage or despair, Dean had no idea. All he knew was that he was currently feeling like the shittiest person alive because his angel had needed him – Cas had needed him – and he'd been too busy gallivanting off with his own woes to realise!

"I'm angry, Dean. So angry. And I'm so broken, so worthless…everybody can see that. Ambriel was right: I am expendable. And Amara was right to say that God was wrong to choose me as his favourite and that I wasn't even worth her effort to consume me."

Clenching his fists, Cas looked away.

"You want to know why I said yes? I thought that I could finally do something right for once; that for once, I could save the world rather than break it. I thought that if I did something right, you – you would finally see that I wasn't simply a worthless tool to be discarded when you had no use for me. But clearly, I was wrong. The havoc that Lucifer wreaked in my body…it never stops, Dean. All I can see is everyone that Lucifer made me kill…all of the atrocities…and all of the hurtful things he made me say to you. It never stops!"

Now Cas was crying. His stomach lurching at this uncharacteristic, foreign sight, Dean immediately took the few steps that separated them over to Cas, grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. Cas cried even harder, clutching Dean's shirt as though it was a lifeline, and Dean let him – he let Cas continue to cry on him because Cas deserved it, and Dean was such an oblivious asshole for letting things get this bad.

"You used me," Cas whispered brokenly. "You and Sam…my true family…I thought that you would be different. But you weren't. You used me when you saw fit and you didn't care about me otherwise. In the Cage…you only cared about Sam. You didn't care that Lucifer was beating me up. You didn't tell me about the plan between you and Crowley. And…you didn't even notice that Lucifer was in control and not me. That's what hurt me most, Dean. I would have noticed immediately if you were in my position. Nothing can fool me. But you didn't care enough to be able to tell. Nobody cares about me."

"I do care!" Dean said, his arms tightening around Cas. "Fuck, I do care, Cas! I've just been such a selfish asshole and I didn't realise! But don't you dare think that you're anything less than family and that I don't care about you! Because I do! And you're not worthless! You're not broken! You're amazing and loyal and always trying to do the right thing even if you get screwed over and dammit, Cas, I love you!"

Cas froze. Slowly, his grip on Dean's shirt loosened and he pulled back to look up at Dean.

"You…love me?" he whispered. Dean nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam slipping away into another room to give them privacy and a small rush of gratefulness surged through him.

"Yeah. I do. And I can't believe it took this to get me to realise but I do, Cas, I do love you. And I'm so sorry for all of the shit I've put you through. You're not expendable. I don't know what I'd do without you, man. You help me and Sam so much and you're right, we do take you for granted. We should've realised that it was fucking Lucifer and not you! I'm sorry, Cas, I'm so sorry!"

He buried his face in Cas' beige trench coat, fighting back his own tears. This was Cas' moment to vent and he'd be damned if he stole it with his own chick attitude!

"Don't ever say that you're broken and worthless, Cas. You're not. I can't believe that we never noticed that you needed help but I swear, Cas, we're gonna be here for you from now on and we're not gonna use you again. I'm sorry, Cas. I'm the worthless piece of shit here. I'm selfish and I fuck everything up and everyone around me ends up dead. I'm the worthless one. Not you."

"Don't," Cas said sharply, his face wet. "You are not worthless or selfish, Dean. You were simply faced with difficult circumstances –"

"Yeah, for years. Don't try and make excuses for me, Cas. I know I'm a shitty person and you were right to call me out on it. Don't go feeling guilty for that."

"I'm sorry, too." Sam had returned, looking close to tears, unable to look at Cas, though this didn't stop him from carefully rubbing Cas' back. "I used you too, and I should've realised. Some friend I am. You shouldn't have even needed to tell us or ask us for help."

"And I wouldn't have asked for help," Cas said. "My priority has always been Dean – and you, when we grew closer and became friends. My own state doesn't matter."

"Like hell," Dean snarled. How could Cas believe that he was worth so little? How could his angel talk in such a self-deprecating way? "You're just as important as any of us, Cas! When are you gonna see that?"

Cas just shook his head and buried his face in Dean's shoulder. Dean's heart sank even further when he felt Cas begin to shake again and realised that his angel was once again crying.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm sorry and I love you and I always hurt the people I love but that's no excuse. I'm gonna make it up to you, Cas, now that the worst of it all's over. I'll find some way to redeem myself to you."

Cas looked up when Dean quoted his words from years ago. His eyes were red and his cheeks were splotched and Dean just wanted to kiss all of that misery away and make Cas forget all about it.

"No," Cas said. "You don't need to redeem yourself. I shouldn't even have bothered you with this."

"Yeah, you should've," Sam argued. "We needed that kick up the ass."

Dean didn't even bother with words. Carefully cupping Cas' face, he leaned in and pressed his lips against his angel's, trying to pour every little bit of love and regret into the kiss. Cas made a surprised noise and his eyes closed as he kissed back – but only for a moment. Making a pained noise, he pushed Dean away.

"What?" Dean said. "But I thought –"

"I'm not ready for that, Dean," Cas murmured, looking down. "I can't – it's too painful – I don't want you to kiss me out of guilt or obligation."

"I'm not! I'm doing it 'cause I want to!"

"Please, Dean…not now. One day but not now. I – I just can't."

Dean's heart slowly began to break. He tightened his arms around Cas and buried his face in Cas' dark hair, wanting to comfort his angel in any way possible.

"Can I hold you at least? I'm so, so sorry, Cas. I hurt you so badly. If there was a way I could take your pain, I would in a heartbeat."

Cas nodded and clenched his fists in Dean's shirt again, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"Yes. Please, hold me. I just – I just desire comfort."

Dean sent out a silent 'thank you' when Sam left the room again. He guided Cas over to the nearest wall, tugged his angel down with him and leaned against it, holding Cas close to him. Cas trembled as he continued to cry and though he wanted to kiss Cas' tears away and love him as much as possible, he settled for stroking Cas' hair and planting light kisses on his head. He'd fucked up and hurt Cas and he didn't know why Cas had forgiven him yet again, because he hadn't forgiven himself. But he'd make it up to his angel one day. Even if he had to spend the rest of his life doing so, he'd make it up to Cas. That was the least he could do.