with open arms

The first thing Natsume notices is the quietness of it all. The soft grass at his feet swallows up the noise and turns it into space that stretches out for miles and miles all around him. The leaves paint shadowy images on the ground. There's a breeze tickling his nose and he feels inexplicably at peace.

The second thing Natsume notices is how easy it is to breathe. His lungs don't ache anymore, there's no heaviness surrounding his heart. He moves his arms and legs before stretching cautiously. He remembers pain and dread but now healthy skin covers the parts of him that used to be bloody. For the first time in a long time he feels wholly alive.

It's a trick, Natsume's mind tells him. He tries not to listen.

He goes for a walk instead. Here's what the Dangerous Ability class has taught him: If you don't understand what is going on, assess the situation. Between the fighting and throwing fire at the Academy's enemies, he likes to think it's what he excelled at most. Sure - there seems to be less danger involved in this but the same basic principles apply right? First, make a list. Second, solve the problem. Part one seems easy.

He doesn't remember how he got here. He doesn't know what here is. Before, he was fighting at the Academy. The last thing he remembers is getting hurt.

No, Natsume corrects himself. He squint up at the sun, trying to decipher weather its warmth is a trick, before focussing once more.

5. The last thing he remembers is dying.

Which means he is either having the world's most intense hallucination, or -

"This place sure is pretty, isn't it?"

Natsume whirls around with the instincts of a black cat. Behind him, sitting cross legged at the shore of a small lake, is a woman. She has her back to him but he can tell by the way she holds herself that she isn't afraid of the young Alice behind her.

His mind wants to ask her who she is, but his heart doesn't have to.

"Mum," he says. There is no question in his voice.

His mother looks over her shoulder with a smile.

"I don't know what to say, brat," Kaoru tells him. "Should I go with 'what took you so long' or 'what the hell are you doing here already'?"

Her tone is as unyielding as ever. But there is heartbreak in her eyes - he recognizes it because her eyes are his too.

"I guess the answer to both would be 'I don't know'," Natsume says. Then he stumbles the last few steps before falling towards her, being caught by her arms.

"Hush," his mother whispers into his hair, clutching him to her. "Hush, Natsume."

Aside from what time travel has taught him, there are few things he remembers of his mother. He knows her voice was soft when she tried to sing to him and that she never quite hit the right notes. He knows that she always knew what he needed, even when his father had no idea. He knows he felt safe when she held him - He hasn't felt that safety since her death.

He feels it now.

"I've missed you," he says, looking up at his mother. She brushes a hand through his hair.

"And I you," she tells him sincerely. Her red eyes are as timeless as they've ever been but Natsume notices different things about them now. Sadness, exhaustion, grief. He used to wonder where that darkness came from but he's older now. He knows what life does to the people who live it, that no one can escape unscathed.

"I died," he mutters, the word like clay in his mouth. His mother's expression never changes, there is no pity in her gaze. But her hand starts stroking his hair once more, a gentle reassurance he's been missing for years.

"I know," she replies. "I know."

She inclines her head towards the lake at their feet. There's a distortion to their reflections that reminds Natsume of the ghosts Youichi conjures up. It makes him shudder, even though there is nothing left to fear in death.

"I've been watching your life from up here. You and your sister are quite the troublemakers. I wonder who you got that from."

Despite the situation, her words make him grin.

"I guess we have great genes."

"Oh, absolutely. It's the Igarashi mantra: Look hot and fuck shit up. Ooops."

She puts a hand in front of her mouth and throws him a look of mock scandal.

"Such filthy words. I'm a bad mother. Oh by the way," she pauses and a wicked grin appears on her face. "Nice job with Yuka's daugher. For a while I didn't think you had it in you but you got there in the end."

Natsume sits up.

"Wait a second - What do you mean for a while you didn't think I had it in me? I was smooth and charming and a tiny bit unapproachable. I travelled to the past alright, I know that's more or less how you landed dad."

"Well," Kaoru says. "I landed your father when I was 17 not when I was 11, but I suppose it's roughly the same."

Her eyes soften.

"You did good, Natsume."

He looks away, the love in her face reminding him painfully of the people he left behind - Of one person specifically. For a second he thinks he can see Mikan in the glistening water of the lake and it hurts.

"I made a promise," Natsume says. "To come back, to...To be with her. To be with all of them."

"That was time's promise to make, not yours," his mother tells him. When he looks up her eyes have grown distant. "Though love makes liars of us all."

It makes him angry and his hand shoots out, wrapping around her arm.

"Neither one of us is a liar," he says fiercely. "If they killed us they're the ones who broke our promise. It's not on us. You never chose to leave, did you? I never chose this."

His mother shakes her head. Suddenly she seems tired. Maybe death - because that is what this is, lake and meadows and all - isn't easy after all. Maybe the heartbreak he feels remembering his loved ones is what his mother has been going through for years.

"I watched you," she says after a while, breaking the silence, "living through the things we lived through. Having to lie, having to fight, having to...to die. It was never supposed to be this way. We were supposed to end this. You've seen history Natsume, but you could have seen it without ever travelling back in time. I've watched Izumi die and Yuka. Now I've watched you. We should have ended the fight that cost you your life."

"So you didn't finish it," Natsume says. He's thankful that this is his mother because he's never quite managed the whole 'be sensitive' thing and he knows she doesn't need him to. "And people died. But it's our fight now, mum," he nudges her with an elbow, "and aside from the whole dying thing, we're handling things pretty well."

"Don't get cocky with me, you brat." Kaoru turns to face him and he's grateful to see a small smile on her face. "I'm still the one who birthed you. You came out of me."

Natsume cringes. "Ew, gross." His mother cracks up.

"Oh, your face," she heaves. "Hey, didn't you get to watch the whole thing when you time travelled with Noda? Actually, good God," she pauses and stares at him, her voice dropping to a whisper, "Didn't you literally get to watch your girlfriend's birth?"

She breaks out into another fit of laughter.

"Thanks for the reminder," Natsume says. "Real great mum."

"Man," she says, taking deep, gulping breaths. "What an origin story."

They're both laughing now, two dark haired, red eyed figures next to an impossible lake in an impossible place. This isn't what Natsume expected death to be like. But if death means talking to his mother for the rest of eternity, it's not a bad thing, not at all.

Once their laughter has run its course, she drops back to lie on her back.

"I guess all things considered things turned out alright. I still wish you hadn't shown up here, kid."

"What, don't you love me?," he jokes. Her fingers curl around his hand, holding it tighter. The sun makes her red eyes seem suspiciously bright.

"It's because I love you that I don't want you here."

This is true grief, he thinks. He is sitting next to his mother, they have never been closer. Yet she is mourning what he's lost instead of celebrating what she gained. What he's lost...and what everyone around him has lost. He closes his eyes and tries to conjure up their image - their laughter and their tireless resistance and their stubbornness. His friends.

"I want to see them," he says. His mother nods.

"The lake is like...Afterlife TV," she explains. "You think about where you want to go and it takes you there."

Natsume furrows his brow.

"I want to see them," he says again, this time to the lake. It complies.

It's disorienting to look at himself from this angle. He remembers collapsing of course, the building burning to ash around him. But he has never seen himself this hurt before - he has never seen himself dead. And he has never seen his friends like this either.

Hotaru, smart, brilliant Hotaru. The girl who joined the Academy to ensure one village school's continued existence, who feels deeply and strongly and keeps a tight hold on the things that she loves.

She seems shell-shocked standing next to his limp form now. Her hand is still clutching her gun but there is nothing to aim at and little left to fix. Her brother places a hand on her shoulder but she doesn't seem to notice his touch.

Luca, brave, loyal Luca. The first person outside of his family he's ever trusted, the person he trusts most. Luca who has always met his angry fire with a gentle kindness, who has kept him from drowning during his darkest days.

Luca's curled around his dead body as though trying to protect what is no longer there, his face buried in the crook of Natsume's neck and shaking his head over and over and over. Natsume can't make out what he's saying but he knows his best friend, knows him so well he can hear it as clear as day: "We have to fix him, we have to save him, please."

Mikan, bright, beautiful Mikan. Meeting her was like waking up, a cold shower shaking up his bones. He feels as though he's been chasing her his whole life and maybe that's true. He thinks of spring when he sees her, of their adventures, of their promise. He thinks of how alive she makes him feel.

Now her fingers are twitching helplessly, and she is sobbing into his chest. She isn't empty or hopeless - Mikan Sakura could never be those things - but she is as close as he's ever seen her. Suddenly the High School Principal steps towards her, his face urgent. Natsume watches as Mikan accepts the two stones he hands her. Some form of determination has made its way into her face and she sits up, her hands hovering over his still heart.

Just for a moment, he can feel her touch and the fear disappears from his bones. Then Mikan collapses on top of his body. His mother leans forward with a stunned look on her face.

"That girl…"

In the real world, Sakurano and Subaru have grabbed his body. Before they can disappear, Hotaru steps in. The look on her face is eerily familiar. And suddenly Natsume remembers one more thing about Mikan Sakura's best friend:

She is the girl who always has a plan, a way out, a better solution. The girl who looks at destiny and gives it the middle finger because she still has more money to make, more inventions to build, more people to save.

When Hotaru disappears he doesn't quite know what will happen, but he isn't surprised when the image in the lake breaks apart.

Natsume turns to his mother at the same time she turns to him. There is so much hope in her eyes when she reaches out to touch his cheek.

"Look," she breathes and at first he doesn't quite know what she means. Then he glances down to see his hand's growing translucency. He feels out of breath again, his heart is beating faster, the pain is coming back.

And with the pain, life.

"What's...what's happening?," he asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"I don't know what your friend did. I don't know whether she's doing the devil's work or god's. But if you have one more shot at life...Maybe this is it."

"One more shot at life?," Natsume repeats. "Wait, I'm leaving? I just found you!"

Kaoru shakes her head. "You've always had me," she corrects him gently. "You have to leave, kid."

"But -," he starts.

"You have to," his mother repeats. She gets up and pulls him with her until they're standing face to face. "I had a good life, do you understand? This is the gift my Alice gave me: I touched the memories of thousands of people, I felt heartbreak and first love and anger, I lived through everything life has to offer. You haven't. Listen up, Natsume - this is your duty in life. To give it all you've got. Don't stop now."

"I don't know how to get back," Natsume says, his voice smaller than he ever remembers it being.

"I told you, didn't I?," Kaoru turns him around until he faces the lake. "You think about where it wants to go…"

"And it takes me there," he finishes. Acting on impulse (and love, so much love), he throws his arms around his mother for one final hug.

"Am I going to remember any of this?," he asks.

"I wish I could tell you that my presence is too radiant to ever be erased from your mind, but," Kaoru's voice grows soft. "Dead things are meant for the dead, kid. Not for the living."

Natsume takes a deep breath to steady himself before nodding.

"I love you," he tells her.

His mother presses her lips to his forehead, her kiss a blessing.

"And I love you. I love you and your sister and your father, I love you. It's how I know everything will be ok."

She gives him a gentle shove towards the lake.

"Get back to work, Natsume."

His mother's reflection in the lake breaks apart as he steps into it, carefully setting one foot down, then the other.

What if life isn't what comes after this lake, Natsume thinks. The panic takes his breath away faster than the ice cold water does. What if this is his true ending, what if -

Natsume remembers.

His mother's love is still there, like a beacon, but he's steering away from it now.

Goodbye, he thinks. Goodby-

The first thing Natsume notices is that waking up feels like coming up for air, like breaking the surface after diving to the bottom of the ocean. Every movement feels heavy, every touch of air on his skin foreign. His mind is sluggishly trying to piece together what happened but memories are fleeting.

The second thing Natsume notices is someone holding his hand. The touch is light, yet strong and there are voices. He doesn't quite know who they belong to but for now he's content just to lie there. His body feels both terribly weak and incredibly strong.

But there is something at the back of his mind - a knowledge he can't quite touch - that pushes him to open his eyes.

I love you.

And life greets Natsume Hyuuga with open arms.