Author's Note: When will I actually make an actual story instead of all these AUs. Who knows.

Royals AU. Where really expensive clothes and pretty words combine for the sake of throwing shade at each other. A classic.

Dynamic between characters may be different. Liberties taken. Vague politicking. Ryuishi wearing makeup 24/7 and having too many masks. Mentions of characters here and there. Pining somewhere shoved in between. Kakashi having a huge crush. Erm...um...I hope this doesn't disappoint.

"Did you hear? The king just passed away!"

"Passed away? More like brutally murdered in front of the entire court."

"It's absolutely scandalous, don't you think?"

"You're such a gossip. Who the heir is going to be is the real topic here."

It is with the dazzling rays of a perfect morning sun that Ryuishi wakes up.

Unfortunately, her hangover translated the light into a killer headache, and she immediately ducks into her bed hissing. However, her bliss is only temporary, and the door to her room slams open with the distant cries of handmaidens and loud stomping feet.

"Wake up, Ryuishi," a voice snaps at her while pulling off the blankets off of her easily. "You've royally fucked up now."

Ryuishi narrows bleary eyes at Kisame, who looms over her ominously with her blankets in hand. Zabuza is next to him, wearing the most fucking ridiculous shirt with lace, gold buttons, and a ribbon, and Ryuishi can't help but feel a hovering sense of doom at the sight.

"Kisame," she greets darkly. "The world better be in fucking flames if you woke me up this early after we got smashed."

"It's close enough to that," Kisame says grimly. "You're queen."

"What."

"You're queen."

Ryuishi turns a disbelieving eye to Zabuza who nods confirmation before whipping out a royal scroll. She grabs it hastily and rips open the seal. Her eyes scan the document confirming her position as ruler until her eyes fall on her shaky signature at the end. Without even thinking, the paper bursts into spontaneous flame with a snap of her fingers.

"That won't work," Zabuza says with faint pity. "The actual copy is in the hands of the previous king's advisors."

Ryuishi's eyes are wild when she looks at the both of them. "Can we kill them all and just pretend this is just a really shitty dream?"

"Those advisers came to you yesterday when you were drunk out of your mind and made you sign it," Kisame replies. "The actual contract binds you to not harm your court by all means."

"Can I just...conveniently disappear from the country?"

"Orochimaru will hunt you down if you do that."

A sudden flash of thought crosses Ryuishi's mind.

"Why isn't he named ruler? He's the one who wanted it so badly," Ryuishi babbles. "It's like his thing. Like his life purpose or something?"

"The priests predicted a woman with dark hair and the tattoo of ying and yang on her back to rule the country," Kisame says tightly. "There was a whole bunch of other criteria, but it really all pointed to you. And Orochimaru is going to take full advantage of that."

The silence falls awkwardly then with Ryuishi's jaw still unhinged from shock, and only the sound of Zabuza picking at the stiff lace of his shirt is heard.

Ten minutes later, Ryuishi carefully clenches her jaw after blankly staring into space, and she walks aimlessly to the medicine cabinet to take a dose of hangover medicine. Her dark eyes shutter over with resignation as she stares at Kisame and Zabuza.

"If I'm supposed to do this shit," Ryuishi bites out after wiping her mouth. "I might as well do a damn fine job of doing it."

Zabuza merely snorts as Kisame gives a worrying look towards her. "I'm not going to call you 'your highness'"

Two weeks of dress measuring, five shots of strong liquor, countless amount of bullshit, even more countless amount of smiles and facades, and one shiny coronation crown that weighed about sixty five pounds later….Ryuishi is queen.

After the celebratory banquet, she retires gracefully into her room, giving amiable smiles to political vipers and naïve handmaidens alike, before she methodically strips into a silk nightgown that billows around her daintily.

Zabuza slips into her room silently through the window late at night after she perfectly molds her posture into reading a book on war tactics while sitting in bed, and Ryuishi isn't quite sure why he has such a disturbed look in his eyes.

"Momoichi-san. What a pleasure to see you tonight," she titters. "Are you sure you checked in with my ladies? The gossip would spread miles if word catches that you are here."

Kisame enters at that moment through the same window, and Zabuza shoots a panicked look towards him.

"Hoshigaki-san," Ryuishi greets, her eyes crinkling prettily. "Shall I call for the guards to remove you? It's very late at night, you know."

"Do something," Zabuza hisses towards Kisame. "She's not right."

With a grim expression, Kisame nods before delivering a very firm uppercut to Ryuishi's jaw. She chokes and sends a very dirty glare towards Kisame, the delicate gaze gone from her features abruptly.

"Get yourself together, Ryuishi," Kisame says. "You can't have that kind of mask that stays on permanently. You'll break quicker that way."

"Can't have the queen snapping into a fit, right?" Ryuishi spits out.

"Hey, we don't mean—"

"I know," she cuts him off. "But I see the looks that the other officials give. They never forget that one time, even though it was fucking years ago, and they doubt if I can rule."

"Then prove them wrong," Zabuza says simply. "Show them you are better than any of their presumptions."

So many things are wrong with that statement. The variables of the neurotic politicians of the court. The nosy servants looking for new information at every turn. The search of who to trust and who to feed false truths. Assassins. Potential traitors.

But….hearing the simple words of Zabuza, cutting down all extraneous mass and going straight to the basic fact, makes Ryuishi feel oddly relieved.

"Idiot," she says fondly. "You're bad at politics as usual."

Kisame's shoulders seem to slack before he reaches out to run a hand through her hair. As he pulls the kinks out gently, a wistful look crosses his face.

"You're too good at it, Ryuishi," he chides. "And that's worrisome."

"A ruler isn't meant to be a relaxing job," she says as she pats his cheek. "But at least I have you and Zabuza, right?"

Zabuza grunts, his head turning to the side to hide flushed cheeks, and Kisame smiles roguishly.

"Of course."

"By the gods, did you see the queen today?"

"She's so gorgeous! And she has such great taste…"

"It would be nice if she could wear something more luxurious; it would surely suit her."

"But isn't that her charm?"

When Orochimaru sends a sealed request for audience in her chamber six months into her rule, Ryuishi supposes it is about time but still feels dread come to her in waves.

"It is such a pleasure to be in your audience, your highness," Orochimaru drawls, his soft voice barely touching disrespect, but Ryuishi still keeps her rouged lips in a smile as she pours tea to along with the cakes.

"As it is with us," Ryuishi replies. "However, we are surprised that we have not seen you in a while. Have you been gone from court?"

Of course, Ryuishi knows that Orochimaru was in court, avoiding public eye while morning sessions were in progress, but she asks to discern his reaction.

"The season in court has changed," Orochimaru says while flicking eyes to imply her. "And Court has gotten rather tasteless as of late, for my lab captures my interest more easily."

"We find that the change is rather amiable with the citizens. Perhaps the cold weather isn't suited for the delicate snake?"

There is no audible or visible sound of change, but the room becomes saturated with tension. Murderous intent.

"You have gotten impertinent, brat," Orochimaru hisses. "When I was the one who raised you and your mangy crew from the streets—"

"Out of your own interests, of course," Ryuishi interrupts. "We have sacrificed equal due since then. Perhaps hibernation would be a good course for you who cannot adapt with the changing times."

Orochimaru's eyes narrow in distaste as he stands and sweeps out of the room, ignoring her permission to be dismissed.

"We shall continue this talk another time, Ryuishi," he says before leaving. "Perhaps then you will be more amenable to decent advice."

Ryuishi insolently flutters her fingers at him just before the door slams shut.

"fUCK, ZABUZA, I'VE DONE IT NOW."

"You pissed off the snake, so what?"

"I'M DEAD."

"But you don't regret what you said."

"….hell no I don't regret."

"There you go."

The time after the traditional honeymoon after inauguration had passed. There were other ambassadors that had come before him. The gift that was prepared was not too flashy or too modest. The banter must be casual and not stilted….

Hatake Kakashi runs his mind through all the criteria of entertaining and greeting a new ruler for the tenth time, and his aide, Tenzo, gives him unimpressed eyes.

"With all due respect, senpai," Tenzo says in exasperation. "The reports we received from our intel told us that the queen does not mind eccentricities or stumbles if it was for good intent. So please. Compose yourself."

"You wouldn't be able to compose yourself if you saw that look on our King's face," Kakashi replies tersely. "If I screw this one up, our kingdom is ruined."

"And you won't screw up. You've dealt with the Akatsuki on their bad days and been perfectly fine after that."

"Their crazy priest tried to sacrifice me."

"But you came out fine. And we received apologies for that."

"Tenzo."

"We're here. Let's give our best impressions."

Adjusting the lapels of his coat and pressing his nervousness deep inside, Kakashi and Tenzo step out from the carriage with easy posture. A royal aide waits for them with a friendly smile.

"Greetings," the aide says. "I am Misaki, assistant of her highness. The queen awaits to see you."

As they follow Misaki to the receiving chamber, Kakashi feels the sudden urge to ask something before the nervousness overcame him.

"Say," he starts awkwardly. "What is your queen like?"

A harmless question for an ambassador and tells only of interest. Hopefully.

Misaki brightens, and her step skips. "Her highness? Oh she's absolutely wonderful. Her reign has been much lauded by officials and citizens alike for her tact and efficiency. Compromise is easily reached with her diplomacy, and the crops have been growing well since she has begun."

"You like her, I presume."

"Of course," she laughs. "She's so very kind and gracious to everyone, and that look in her eye when she stares at you is just so very deep."

Tenzo flicks a look at Kakashi, eerily similar to I-told-you-so, and Kakashi is overcome by the urge to slap him.

However, the doors to the receiving chamber open, and Kakashi and Tenzo walk in and fall into a bow.

"Our rulerof the Hidden Leaves, Sarutobi Hiruzan greets you and congratulates you for your rule," Kakashi says formally, training his eyes down. "I am Hatake Kakashi, and this is Tenzo, my aide."

A customary pause is made as the queen whispers with her aides next to her.

"We accept your ruler's congratulations and his greetings as well as you, his messenger," the queen assents. "Rise."

Kakashi stands up slowly before his eyes lift up to stare at the queen.

The reports were not lying when they said she was beautiful. Misaki did not lie when she said her eyes were deep when they looked at him. The rumors were probably all true….but…

When her lips played into a coy smirk and her eyes lifted up, Kakashi cannot help but feel his heart skip at the sight.

And he feels heat rush to his face.

"That ambassador was cute earlier."

"The one from the Hidden Leaves? Ryuishi, I thought you had taste."

"Shut it, Kisame. I'm queen, and I decide hotness in this court."

"Attractiveness is a measure by personal taste, isn't it?"

"Ah, Zabuza, as literal as usual."

"Ryuishi, he was stuttering and his aide had to pick up for him."

"Kisame, I'm fabulous right now. My eyebrows are on fleek. My makeup on point."

"Still. The finesse they had was lacking."

"Still. Cute."

"Ryuishi, I swear to the gods."