This song gets on your nerves. Like "Passenger Seat", I loved it ever since I first heard it over the radio.  I've pestered my brother countless times, singing the chorus at random.  ^^  I thought it was so appropriate to the ending I chose.  So appropriate, in fact, that I don't have to add a lot to it. 

I hope you enjoy this, a final farewell songfic.  Think back on EK's White and Black, an experiment from a mental block, when you hear it again.  

"If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield. 

………………………………………………

Shanghai

Monday

                I'm writing this in a hotel room. One of the larger suites. The trunks are still unopened by my bed. 

                I was not able to get any sleep last night.  Everything was a blur, even when everything was clear. It felt like I had come home. After all, I had lived here for years.  The streets were all familiar, the sights and sounds too common. There were some new buildings, but the city is still very much the same. The city I called home.

But somehow, this is not home anymore.  Home is somewhere with you. I don't care if that is the end of the world. 

                I still remember that evening I was last with you. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your scent, your everything.  For a few hours, only you existed. And you were with me. Everything was perfect. Everything was right.  I still recall the thoughts that ran through my head, as I held you close to me:    

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

                Then you turned to face me, and you gave such a perfect smile.  There was peace in your eyes.  There was sincerity. Most of all, there was love. You love me, and that is enough.    

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

                Then I remembered him. I have finally come to understand what you see in him. He is truly a loyal comrade, a man who acts more than he speaks. It was an honor to have met him, while it has also been supreme agony. 

                One part of me wanted to tear him apart, limb from limb, as I saw you embrace him after our final agreement.  I wanted to believe that your heart belonged to me, and to me alone.  I know he is your friend, father, brother, and all that, but I still feel like I have lost to a rival.  Maybe your heart does belong to me, and for that I am grateful.  But one part, some place deep, is a part I could never touch, and there he will stay.

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

                However, there is another part of me that wants him to live on. I would never want to see you sad again, even for my sake. You have the right to shed your radiance on others, the way you shined on my life.  I know he gives you a certain kind of joy that I never could, and you deserve to have that joy while I cannot be with you, while an ocean separates us. 

                Even then, even then……….

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

Yes, I still want to marry you. By the gods, I still do. By all that is in me, I still do.

My head is full of dreams, of nightmares. Of the times we were together, of the times we were apart. Of times when I would have nothing to do with you. Of times when my world would not turn without you.  

I have only to look out the window and view the waters beyond, to be reminded of the distance between us. It is not beneath me to cry, if there is a reason.  This is reason enough and plenty. 

I remember how my sister used to cook dinner for me, and worry about me. How she smiled as she saw me through the kitchen window, and how she greeted me "welcome home" as I came through the door.  Someday, in a house of my own, I want the woman who would think and worry and scold me, to be you.  

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

                Why does it have to be this way?! Why do I have to leave you? Why can't we be together, even now? Why does life and circumstance have to be so cruel? 

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

                Only that keeps me moving on, and will keep me moving on over the next year. The promise that you will be there for me when I come back. That, once again, you will wrap your lithe arms around me, and tell me that you love me. That, someday, I will be with you forever. 

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?  

                There is no way we can be together right now. It is too dangerous for both of us. This might probably be the last letter you will receive from me for months on end.  However, I will always have you in my thoughts and dreams, as I hope you have me in yours.  A day will not pass that I will not think of you. 

                I used to live dangerously and carelessly. I only had to think of myself then. I can no longer live like that. Because now, I have to stay alive, at all cost.  I have to win. I have to come back to you.

                I used to consider that way of thinking, a weakness, an easy way to take a man down.  I now consider it one of my strengths. 

Take care of yourself, my love. 

……………………..

Conversation between two operatives: 

"Where did this packet come from?"

"Shanghai. No return address, no signature, no identifying marks, but the sender used one of our code mailing addresses. The one only used for emergencies."

"I see. And the contents?"

"No new information, just sweet nothings to a woman."

"Anyone in particular?" 

"No specifics."

"Thank you. ………..Give it to Misao; she will know what to do with it." 

"Hai, okashira." 

……………………

My final thanks for all the reviews to the final chapter:  JML, chitchat, Sabbie (yeah, I like "One Night" too), Dallisse, nekonomiko, CardMistressSakura, Mi, Devil, ICEANGEL (A/M? We'll see), Firuze Khanume (no chance I'm winning at Nikki Diary, not even nominated at RKRC. Hope you'll remember me for next year's RKRC?  ^^ ), Tiian, bittersweetKandy     

That is definitely the end of White and Black.  Again, my sincere thanks to everybody who had a hand in it. Thanks to all who reviewed it.  Thanks to all who voted for it.   Thanks to all who read it. 

If there will be more, remains to be seen.  One can only push the Nine Months story so far.  ^^  We'll see. 

EK out.