This is for the fantastic prosemeds on her birthday, plus or minus (plus) 12 or so hours. I hope you like this! 💙 (And you might recognize the prompt, too. ;))

Misremembered

Prompt: "Season 4 AU, Castle doesn't say I love you. Beckett hallucinates that he does."

Category: AU, Caskett, Angst

"Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it."

After weeks and months of half-truths in public and secrets shared in the safety of her therapist's office, admitting to her lie in a space so committed to truth is almost fitting.

It's freeing, telling another soul her dark secret in a fit of fury, but it is also wrong, so wrong. The person she needs to bare her soul to isn't Bobby, the suspected bomber, it's Castle; her partner, her friend, the man who had broken himself open that day in the grass to give her something to hold onto as her life slipped away.

She remembers every second of that day, down to the cloud formations above her head. The shouting, the panic, Castle hovering above her, begging her to stay. She remembers his mouth twisting in anguish, his breath spilling across her face, even the faint scent of his mint toothpaste, of all things.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

He'd come to her days later, grief etched on his face, his need raw and overwhelming, and still he had put aside his feelings and deferred to her. He had heeded her request for space and for time. And when she returned after months of silence – still too broken and cowardly to do anything but pull his words, his love, deeper within herself – he had forgiven her. He had loved her.

He loves her, even though she's still too messed up to love him right.

And now her secret is out. At least somewhat.

As quickly as her anger flared, it fades away, leaving her with the ache of her words once more. Bobby remains silent, stubborn, unwilling to confess his own sins, and experience tells her that she won't be getting anything out of him for now. He needs time to think, to stew, to contemplate all the ways this could end for him, and she needs to take a moment to get herself under control.

Touching her palm to the center of her chest, she pushes away from the wall and leaves Bobby without a word. Silence for silence.

Her breath catches in her throat when Castle steps out of the observation room to join her in the hall. His eyes seek hers without hesitation, and it's all she can do not to flinch away from the compassion and love in his gaze.

He has to have heard her, but his eyes hold none of the anger, none of the hurt, none of the devastation she had expected they would after her unceremonious announcement.

"Letting him sweat for a bit?" he asks, jerking his chin toward the box.

"Yeah. I had to; he shut down on me."

"Good call," Castle murmurs, offering her one of the coffees in his hand. He refrains from commenting when the cup wobbles as she takes it.

Her first sip warms her throat, easing the constriction in her windpipe to the point where she can breathe again. The second sip is more easily savored, and her eyes slip shut as the familiar vanilla flavor bursts over her tongue.

She must make some noise, some indication of enjoyment, because her partner chuckles, startling her out of her stupor.

Shit, he knows. He knows she lied, he knows she remembers it all, he knows she had run away with his love ringing in her ears and given him nothing back.

Yet, he's still here.

"Beckett," he starts, his chest expanding with the pull of his breath. He's steeling himself. For what, she can't be sure, but she waits him out. She owes him that much. "Can we talk?"

Heart in her throat once more, she can only nod. "Yeah, yes. Yeah. Just let me get my…" she trails off, thinking of the jacket draped across the back of her chair and mentally calculating the likelihood of making it across the bullpen without being pulled into another task.

Forget it. She can go without the extra layer. "Forget it, let's go. Want to walk?"

Castle nods, gesturing for her to lead the way. Always letting her lead.

They exit the precinct together, curling their free hands against their bodies to ward against the chill as they set off on a path of her partner's choosing. Regardless of their destination, she won't argue, not with the reminder of her secret between them.

Still, her steps stutter when they reach Boylan Plaza. The majority of the carnage has been cleared, and memorials and candle vigils have been set up instead. Castle leads her to the largest of the tributes, wrapping his fingers around the weathered metal police barricade that separates it from the foot traffic on the sidewalk. He seems to be ignoring the single remaining mass of twisted metal across from them, but she can't tear her eyes away; it's beyond heartbreaking. All of this is.

"Castle," she breathes, forcing herself to break the silence. She made this mess between them; she needs to be the one to start cleaning it up. "I –"

He cuts her off, scrubbing a hand across his face. "This was almost you. This – this could've been outside the precinct, it could've been your picture on a poster, and I…" he trails off, shaking his head at himself, as if the words aren't cooperating.

"You heard me tell Bobby," she picks up in his absence, urging the words to spill out before she can hide them away once again. "I remember. I remember everything. The gunshot, you tackling me, you… telling me."

Castle's head tilts. "Telling you?" he echoes, licking his lips. "What do you mean?"

He may be trying to school his face, but his eyes give everything away.

Dread churns in her belly, clawing its way up her chest. Oh God, he's not being coy or playing with her; he is confused. He – shit.

Kate sucks in a breath, turning away, retreating from Boylan Plaza and her partner. She makes it all of half a block before sinking back against the brick side of a building and cursing herself once more.

She remembers it with complete clarity. She remembers every break in his voice, every ragged syllable from his lips. She remembers, damn it.

"Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"

"Kate," Castle murmurs, touching her arm, so very careful not to startle her. "What do you remember me telling you?"

Swallowing hard, she shakes her head. Maybe she can salvage their partnership, if not her pride. "Forget… can we forget I said anything? I misremembered. I should - we should probably get back anyway -"

His fingers slip down her sleeve, thumb caressing her wrist, tenderness infusing every swipe. It's too much, it is entirely too much; her throat contracts against the well of tears, but she's unable to bring herself to pull away and run from him again.

"Before we do that, can I finish what I was going to say?"

Biting her lip, she nods. "Okay."

He nods in return, swallowing his nerves and plowing ahead. "I put this off once, and I've regretted it ever since. After the other day, I'm not putting it off anymore."

Castle's fingers close around hers, his grasp firm, steady. She grips back, digging deep within herself to square her shoulders and face him.

"I love you, Kate. I-"

The coffee cup in her other hand clatters to the ground, splattering the remainder of her drink across the concrete as she grapples for his lapel. She leaves it where it is for now; having him closer is her first priority. Her partner comes without argument, wrapping his arm around her back, keeping her grounded as she searches his face.

"You didn't say that in May?"

"I, no. It was on the tip of my tongue, but you passed out and we were so focused on getting you to the hospital, there wasn't another opportunity. Was that what you…?"

She nods, sucking in a breath. It had seemed so real then, every consonant, every vowel, but it hadn't been. It hadn't been real until now. "I thought I'd beenlying to you about hearing it this whole time. It was just so big, Castle," she continues, rolling her eyes at the quirk of his lips. She had walked into that one and he was showing remarkable restraint by not saying anything. "I needed time to get a handle on it all. To get stronger, to get my head together, everything."

"That was why… what you said that day on the playground."

Kate nods again, fighting against another swell of shame. Her fumbled attempt at assuring him if he waited for her, she would catch up. "Yeah. Yeah, it was. I thought I needed to explain."

His face blooms with a smile, probably the first real joy she has seen since before the bombing, and she finds herself mimicking it.

"So you," he clears his throat a moment later, stroking his thumb against the small of her back. "You do, right? Because that was kind of the subtext I got out of that talk, but I want to be sure."

"Yeah," she croaks around a wry chuckle, brushing her fingertips over the swell of his lower lip. "Yeah, Castle. I do. I love you, too."

She barely finishes her sentence before his mouth lowers to hers and he breathes his happiness, his hope, against her lips. She can't help the shiver that moves along her spine, rocking her deeper into her partner's embrace, but he seems to have no complaints. No, he hums his appreciation, sinking his fingers into her hair to keep her from retreating.

After a moment, she mewls his name, releasing his lips to drag air into her greedy lungs. Castle does the same, rubbing their noses together as his chest bumps hers on every deep inhale. They need to make their way back to the precinct, to go back to trying to break Bobby and get some kind of justice for those lost the other day, but she can't force her feet to move without taking one last kiss from his mouth.

One they'll both remember.

Prompt courtesy of prosemeds herself. I hope I did it justice!