PLUVIOPHILIA

six | empty

I wake before Armin and Annie both. The ceiling is high, high above me, invisible in the dark of the room. I blink at the void overhead for a moment, wondering why on earth I'm up when it's still dark out.

Then I remember how I used to run at this time of day. I used to sprint down the sidewalk, waiting for the sun to come up. Reveling in how my muscles ached. Letting the morning's chill cut through my skin, turn my sweat to a coat of ice. Imagining what would happen if I were to just keep going, until I reached the ocean.

I stopped, though. I stopped running. It always took the sun far too long to come up.

I have a class at eleven, I know. Eleven seems early enough that I justify my getting up and heading for the bathroom. Annie's fingers slip from mine as I stand, and I wonder how on earth they'd managed to get there in the first place.

I decide to leave as soon as I finish my breakfast. It's still dark out, and neither Armin nor Annie have woken just yet, but I feel the sudden urge to go outside, like if I stay here I'll be thrown back into my memories again. So I go.

I step outside with nothing but my phone and my wallet tucked into my coat pocket, my hair hardly combed, my mouth dryly ringing with the aftertaste of cereal and lukewarm milk. It's snowing, I notice. A snowflake lands on my nose. I brush it off with a chilled finger and pull my muffler up past my mouth. My legs begin to move without a direction in mind.

This is just like running, I realize, but emptier. My muscles do ache, but not in a good way or a bad way. The cold does cut through my clothes, through my skin, but I don't like the feeling. I don't hate it enough to go back inside, but I definitely don't like it.

I glance at the sky, my feet continuing to move thoughtlessly, and it's like the ceiling, high above me, so dark and distant, I'm unsure if it's real. If there's a sun hiding behind it, or a moon.

It's very cold outside. Snow is falling. My legs move without direction.

Then they stop.

What the hell am I doing out here?

Slowly, I take a seat on the curb. Snow seeps into my coat. I rest my forehead on my knees.

I am empty, I realize. There is nothing here.

I go to school because I need to get out of my dorm room. I'm in my dorm room because I shouldn't live on the streets, or with Armin, because that's extra money he'd have to pay.

Then I return to my dorm room and lie there for hours. I watch things online. Armin comes over. I interact with him. He drags me to the occasional get-together with Sasha and everyone. I go because I need to get out of my dorm room. Then I return to my dorm room because I need to get out of their company.

I left to go outside because I needed to get out of the flat. Now I'm sitting on this curb because I need to get out of this stale, ugly, cold, dark morning I'm walking in. But I can't, because where else is there to go?

Reality and I are at a stalemate. Silently, I beg it to make the next move, because I'm all out of ideas.

Then my phone rings. I leap out of my skin, toppling over so that snow piles into my hair and muffler, and hurriedly dig in my pocket. My fingers are trembling when I press the TALK button.

"Hello?"

God, I'm quiet.

"Mikasa, where are you?"

Armin's voice. Part of me thanks whomever might be watching for this turn of events. Another part of me sags back into the snow, and I don't know why.

"I walked a couple of blocks," I tell him.

"Why?"

"I have a class today."

There's a pause. Armin sighs. I sigh, too, inwardly.

"Come back," he tells me. "I'll meet you halfway."

"Okay," I tell him. He hangs up. I stand and begin to walk again.

It's dark and cold out here.

I kind of miss Eren.

AN: Hi! Yes, I'm still alive. Hello. Don't mind me.

I've been finishing up Icarus & I while going through the not unpleasant hell that is the college freshman experience and LOL MIKASA,,,,, I FEEL U MORE THAN I EVER DID GIRL

Anyway, coincidentally, as winter approaches me, my timeline is about to converge with my girl's. How about that! It's because of this that I think continuing Pluviophilia might give me a good outlet for my College Depression Gothic (TM). As a matter of fact, I've actually just experienced a very similar experience to her first meeting with Eren. Met a dude, we sat behind an abandoned house late at night n shared a joint while I told him stuff and he told me about his life back home. Lots of "you've never done such and so? wow, you're so clean" and me responding with "lol not really just sheltered and principled" and then we made out, etc, and I have not seen that boi ever since. That was a very strange night, now that I'm recounting it. Very aesthetic though? Like it was so nice and quiet out, except for the crickets, and he had lots of stories about his tiny hometown. Also spooky TM because I wrote this literally an entire year ago. Man, life imitates art. Also, I make dumb decisions if ur reading this pls dont meet virtual strangers behind abandoned houses late at night and accept their drugs that wasn't smart. But damn, if I didn't have a good time.

Anyway, I've been up for almost more than 24 hours so sorry if nothing I'm saying here makes sense lol. Luckily I wrote this baby-sized chapter ages ago, so it won't be as fuckity logic-wise.

I'm done rambling. Thank u all for staying along for this long! Love u guys. Until next chapter!