A/N: Purging my emotions with this one. "Under Water" really got to me and that doesn't happen to me often with TV shows; it was so raw. The Stef/Lena stuff and breaking the news to the kids was so emotional. I know Callie's not the only kid in the family who's reeling from being told about Stef's illness. Her character is easy for me to tap in to. And I don't care if this isn't canon or realistic, I wrote this for me. I just had to. I felt so much better afterward.

"Where Are Ü Now" by Jack Ü with Justin Bieber was the soundtrack to writing this. Literally for hours on repeat. I needed something sad and I don't know...the emotion, desperation, sense of loss and abandonment conveyed just worked for me and kept me in the headspace needed to write this. Keep that in mind while reading this.

This is AU because I changed events that happened in the show or deleted some entirely (like Brallie).

I don't own The Fosters.

I wanted to get this out to you guys ASAP. I hope you like it.

This is entirely from Callie's point of view.

Part 1

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep.

I've committed practically every inch of my bedroom ceiling to memory by now.

It's been three days.

Three days since Stef, Lena, and Grandma Sharon sat us all down and told us about Stef's cancer scare and her decision to have preventative surgery.

I've slept a handful of hours since.

I roll over and check the time on my phone. 4:12 AM. My alarm is set for 7.

Frustrated, I sigh, louder than I meant to. I instantly cover my mouth.

Mariana stirs and makes little noise, but doesn't wake up.

At least one of us is asleep.

My brain won't fucking turn off.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I knew that when they sat us all down it was bad news.

Still, I couldn't prepare myself for it. That'd be impossible. There's no 'softening the blow.'

I can't help but feel like I should've seen this coming.

God, why didn't I see this coming?

Things were going too well.

Things don't ever go well for me.

And I still get my hopes up.

I tell myself, 'Maybe things will be different this time.'

I still put myself through this.

And then I'm just hurt as life fucks me over yet again.

Normally, I'd go downstairs, but I don't want anyone to find me.

I can't be seen like this.

There's no telling how I'd react if Stef or Lena and I were alone together.

I'm not ready for that. Not yet.

So, I roll over to stare at the wall. My body will inevitably succumb to rest.

[][][][][][]

And so it did.

I roll over to turn off my alarm.

I suppress a groan, even though I don't know why I bother.

I'm not exactly hiding anything or even trying to.

What's the point? I'm not the only one who's stressed and freaking out.

Everyone's on edge, reeling, emotional over this.

But, maybe I should hide.

An enticing idea.

Moms don't need to worry about us on top of everything else.

But, I can't be selfish, either.

I'm not the only kid in this house. The other four are just as upset as I am.

For Brandon and the twins, maybe even more so. Stef's been in their lives for way longer than mine and Jude's, and she's Brandon's mom, for God's sake.

Ugh. It's too early for this.

I try my hardest to push these thoughts out of my head and get up to get ready for school.

Not that it's helping distract me. I wish it was. I wish it was helping.

I feel like a zombie as I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

My body aches with exhaustion. My head is killing me.

"You know that's Mariana's, right?"

It takes a few seconds for Jude's words to register in my brain.

I'm being spoken to.

"Oh," is all I say, looking down at the toothbrush in my hand.

I swap hers for mine and get dressed afterward.

I go to the kitchen in the most relaxed posture possible (which I'm sure isn't much).

I'm not hiding and yet, I'm still trying to hide.

"Morning, Cal," Stef greets me in that knowing tone.

She knows that I'm not sleeping.

I don't have to tell her anything.

She can read me like no one else can.

Right now, I hate it. Even though it's irrational because I'm not hiding or putting on a mask.

It's too much work right now.

I can't fight off the tension that overcomes me at the sound of her voice. My neck stiffens and I barely withstand the urge to clench my fists as I reach for the box of cereal. "Hey." I flick my eyes toward her in acknowledgement, no matter how small.

Everything feels like too much right now.

We're all practically silent. This never happens. This room is usually an epicenter of craziness, even at this time of day. Not hard to believe with a family of seven.

I don't bother pouring milk. It'd just be a waste.

I eat my cereal dry.

I feel sick. My stomach aches.

Anxiety cripples my insides.

I quickly give up on eating.

"Callie, you need to eat something," Lena sighs.

I just don't have any fight in me.

I have a few mouthfuls of Raisin Bran and get up from the table to grab my bag.

"I'm driving today," Brandon tells me.

"I'll walk."

I need to get out of here, away.

The walk to school will do me good.

It will give me time to pull myself together.

If anyone bids me farewell as I leave, I don't hear it.

'Fuck!' I chide myself mentally.

I have a huge test in Chemistry, that due to my current state, I completely forgot about.

Well, chalk this one up as a definite fail.

When it comes time to take it, I barely even look at it.

If my head could possibly hurt any worse, it does now.

I fill in my name and try to answer exactly two questions before giving up.

I just can't care about this.

When the tests are all collected, Mrs. Rollins doesn't notice mine.

I'm relieved. I just want to forget all about this.

Somehow, I make it through the school day intact.

I decide to ride home with everyone else. I don't feel like walking home.

Once we get there, I go straight upstairs to my room and lie down.

To my surprise, I fall asleep easily.

The next thing I know, I'm being prodded awake.

I groan. My headache has decided to stick around. Joy.

"What?" I slur.

"Mama wants everyone downstairs for dinner," Mariana tells me.

"Tell her I'm asleep."

"She figured you would be and said to make you get up anyway."

I groan. "Fine."

My body feels heavy as I rise from my bed and join everyone in the kitchen. I take my usual seat at the table next to Stef.

I still can't eat. I give a pleading look to Lena.

Please. I can't do this.

Everything hurts.

I'm treading serious water right now.

I can't do this.

I'm drowning.

Utterly, hopelessly drowning.

[][][][][][]

The next day, it's Saturday.

I finally slept, if only due to complete exhaustion.

After all, a body can only take so much.

Ten straight hours. For ten straight hours, I was dead to the world.

The weather is awful. It's raining.

Fitting.

I'm watching it fall outside my window.

Suddenly, I get up and pull on sneakers, track pants, and a hoodie.

"I'm going for a run!" I yell out and don't wait for a response as I close the front door behind me.

So, I run. I run like my life depends on it. I don't hear anything except for my feet pounding the wet pavement and the pulse of blood rushing through me.

It's like I can't register fatigue or pain. I go for so long that I make it all the way to my favorite park bench without stopping.

I bend over, catching my breath. When I come up for air, I take in my surroundings.

The park's deserted. I look at the bench.

The wood is saturated, as is everything else. I sit anyway.

I swing my legs up and over, wrapping my arms around them.

All I can hear is the rain falling around me.

Soon, however, my hoodie soaks through. The sweat on my skin only chills me further.

I don't mind. It feels good.

The cold is comforting.

I don't want to think.

I don't want to feel.

I close my eyes.

"Callie!"

I blink, thinking that I just imagined hearing my name.

"Callie!"

There it is again.

Someone's walking toward me.

It's Stef.

A/N: There is a second part to this. This ended up being way longer than I anticipated, so I split it in two and figured this was a good place to stop. I will post it soon. Let me know what you guys think! You demand, I supply! ;)