Can I Say I love You

Summary: After My Two Mommies and Natalia leaving after setting Ms. Jennings straight to go out with Frank. Natalia tries to figure out what she is feeling. Will she continue to run to Frank or will she own up to what she is feeling? Will Olivia? Or will they keep pushing their hearts away?
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and I do not make any profit from this.

A/N: So I was sitting her trying to write for my other stories and the new ones I have had rolling around in my head for a while would not let me be. My fairy will not let it go and let me continue the others so here is the first chapter of the first of my new set of ramblings. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Natalia sat in her car outside of the farmhouse just thinking. She had just come home from her date with Frank and was not sure what she was feeling. She reviewed the events of the day and tried to make sense of all of it. Emma's report set off a chain of events she wasn't sure how to deal with. Contrary to popular belief she was not that naive. She knew what the looks the parents were giving them meant. She just didn't care at the time. Emma was telling them all how much she loved her family and calling her mom. She was over the moon.

Once the presentation was over she really didn't mean to throw Olivia under the bus. She had to see about trying to get Rafe moved to Cedars and needed to check on him. She didn't have time to really think about it all until the drive home. She didn't know what to say when Olivia wanted to talk about what happened. She still didn't know how she felt about it. Of course she loved Olivia. She had for quite some time. She just didn't want to think about how she loved her. They had been getting closer for a while now and once she and Emma moved in they just fell into a routine and became a family.

New Year's was when she first acknowledged her feelings to herself. After she left and went to Towers she realized that there was nowhere she would rather be then with Emma and Olivia. When she came in and found them sleeping on the couch all she wanted to do was walk over and awaken Olivia by kissing her softly until she stirred. The thought shocked her and she pushed it aside.

After weeks of just living she realized that she felt so much more than friendship for Olivia and it scared her. She had never had a friend like Olivia, someone that was always there for her and that she was always there for in return. There was no way that Olivia felt the same for her and she was terrified that she would do something that ruined their friendship.

She spent all her time trying to sensor herself and to not show any outward signs that she felt more. It was hard when at night Emma would want her in the middle during their movie or when Olivia stumbled down the stairs looking so adorable in the morning before her first cup of coffee. Natalia thanked her lucky stars that Olivia was oblivious in the mornings and never noticed her staring, lovingly she was sure, while she woke up.

She spent the last month during her free time at church praying. She took great stock in god and his teachings. Her faith is all she had sometimes and it got her through the hardest times in her life. She knew she didn't agree with all of the teachings of the church. If she had she wouldn't have kept her son. She knew the churches standing and Father Ray had made his own views clear in his sermon a few weeks ago. She just didn't agree with it.

Two of her best friends and biggest life savers when they lived in Chicago was a lesbian couple who lived next door. They owned a café and gave her a job and a couch to sleep on when she was pregnant with Rafe and had nowhere to go. They were like parents to her helping her babysit or buying diapers, always helping in some way. Rafe even called them Nana and Grammy.

No, she didn't need to reconcile anything where the church was concerned. Her problem was Olivia was straight, her best friend and so out of her league it was not funny in the least little bit. She didn't understand because god gave her this big love and she didn't know what to do with it. Even if Olivia did swing that way Natalia was sure she'd be the last woman on her mind, but, then she kissed her and now she didn't know what to do.

She knew Olivia cared for her, it was obvious in the way they interacted but she had thought it was just too big of a longshot that she would ever return romantic feelings. That kiss felt too real not to be but she was scared and Olivia back pedaled and she just didn't know. She insisted they go back to the school and set the record straight because she was sure that Olivia was going to be upset. She already looked so agitated about the whole thing, but Olivia looked so upset by what she was saying to the teacher that she had to back pedal herself and fixing what she was saying.

She knew exactly what Olivia was talking about when she was trying to get her to understand what the other parents were thinking. Natalia almost laughed out loud at the Jane Jane reference, but she wanted to just not talk about it so she played dumb. She needed more time to think about it but then Olivia's lips were pressed to her and she stopped thinking, she stopped breathing. She panicked, she knows she did and now everything was just so messed up.

She left the date with Frank before it really started. After kissing him she knew that she shouldn't be there. She never should have showed up in the first place. Frank was a good man and he deserved someone who wanted to be with him and that was not her. She had tried to talk to him and make him understand but he just smiled with that stupid puppy dog look and said they would go slower and it would be ok. She politely told him she just wanted to be friends and left quickly. She didn't belong there she belonged at home with Olivia.

Now here she sat, in the cold, afraid to walk into her own home and face the woman she knew she needed to talk to.

Olivia was in a similar state in the house. She had spent the better part of the evening berating herself about how she handled the whole situation. She should have known that Natalia wouldn't understand what the others were thinking. She should have just kept her damn mouth shut and her lips to herself. She blamed the alcohol, it made her do it. She had been sitting in Towers drinking her martini minding her own business trying to figure out what to do about Emma's presentation. It was so sweet and Olivia loved that she felt that way about Natalia. She knew that she could count on Natalia to always be there for Emma no matter what and didn't mind her thinking of her as a second parent.

She was just about to order another drink when that guy spoke to her and she realized that she just wanted to be home with Natalia. So went home and just sat in the chair waiting on Natalia to return. When she came in she was just so pretty standing there and she started talking out of her ass about Frank and her eyes and smile. Yep, it was the damn martinis fault. She didn't know half of that she was saying then in a fit of stupidity she thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate.

That sobered her up in an instant. The feel of Natalia's lips on her own was heaven and she didn't want to ever stop. She could have sworn that Natalia started kissing her back before she pushed her away. When Natalia had asked her why she kissed her all she wanted to do was tell her everything. She wanted to tell her how much Christmas with her had meant to her and when she came back to spend New Year's Eve with her and Emma how much she loved that Natalia had chosen their family over extra work.

All she wanted to do was tell her how much she loved her and kiss her again but she was scared. Natalia didn't react well to the kiss and to be honest neither did Olivia. It was all so confusing and scary. She loved her so much but the thought of losing her, losing the one person that meant as much to her as her children did was terrifying. The only thing more terrifying that day was earlier when Rafe had gotten sick. She had been beside herself with worry and was grateful that Emma understood and sent them to him.

She didn't do well when any of her kids were sick and that was so dangerous for him. She wasn't sure when she started thinking of him as hers but he was. She was currently doing all she could behind the scenes to help him. She wanted him home and safe and she would do whatever was necessary to make it happen. She knew she was in deep shit when Natalia found out but that couldn't be helped. That prison was not doing what they were supposed to for an inmate with his medical problems and she was determined to get him home because of it.

It didn't help matters when she noticed Natalia's headlights as she came home from meeting with Frank. Something must have happened because she was home too early for them to have even had drinks. That was thirty minutes ago and she was starting to wonder if Natalia was ever going to come in. She made a pot of coffee, sure that she would be cold when she came in and now she just sat here waiting at the table for her.

She knew they needed to talk but she didn't know how to start that conversation or what to say. She felt like there were so many mixed signals being shot off by both of them she didn't know which way was up. She never thought Natalia could love her too. Her faith, her son, her church and all these things were important to Natalia. If she didn't figure out how to fix this she could lose everything. Her home, her son, her best friend, the family they had made together and she knew she would survive it. She needed it all.

She was brought out of her inner musings when the door opened and Natalia came through. "Hi."

Olivia smiled slightly, "Hey."

They just stared at each other thinking the same thing, 'now what.'

A/N: Ok that was chapter 1. What do you think, is it a keeper?