Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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AND THEY CALLED IT 'FAILMUI'

Chapter 02: In which the existence of life is questioned

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The moment he woke up he knew that something was wrong.

Not the usual 'Oh shit I forgot to water my plant' kind of wrong—even though he'd never had a plant in first place and Zetsu just didn't count—but the 'Oh shit I'm being held captive in the lair of an insane dead-but-not-quite Uchiha maniac that wants me to shoot my eye to the moon or something like that I don't even know I was too busy wallowing in pain from being crushed by a god damn rock to listen' kind of wrong.

And that feeling alone was very unsettling for him, to be quite honest.

So when he opened his eyes, Sharingan ready to kamui the hell out, he didn't expect the sight that greeted him. Like, at all.

"Oh, you're awake," Kakashi greeted quite disinterestedly, one hand rubbing his masked chin and the other one hovering above a chess board of all things—were the pieces actually glaring at the one-eyed Jounin? Because Obito was pretty sure that one of the rooks just said 'Decide already!' in a very pissed off tone of voice, but that thought was just ridiculous... I mean, right?

"Ah yes, Obito—was it?"

Obito had always prided himself to be quite observant—well, not always, but after he became Tobi anyway—but at this moment he honestly couldn't find any explanation for why he hadn't noticed Kakashi's opponent sooner.

The man was practically a beacon of... colour and eccentricity.

Almost as bad as Maito Gai, that shrewd little kid that, for some reason, had always wanted to be Kakashi's 'Eternal Rival' or something like that—in a time where everything had been alright and Obito's worst problems were his crush on his female teammate and his growing rivalry with Kakashi; that's right, because Kakashi had been his rival, not Gai's! Who did the kid think he was, anyway, claiming rivalries like that?!

Obito was brought back to the present by something... shining into his field of vision. No, not 'shining'; it was more like a twinkle and after a short moment he realised that it came from the old—because that's what the man was; he was old—man's eyes.

They were fucking twinkling like the teeth of one certain spandex wearing bowl-head.

Without thinking, Obito opened his mouth—just to close it again because Kakashi beat him to it.

"No, he's not related to Gai."

Dear lord, those eyes only twinkled brighter.

"Do you want some tea, boy?" Gai's not-relative asked and held up some kind of stick. "You don't look so good."

"Of course I don't look good; I just failed in conquering the world, fell out of the sky and had a very traumatic experience with train-riding," Obito wanted to shout, but all of a sudden his vision blurred and black spots danced in front of his eyes. His mouth just wouldn't open either and the last thing he heard before losing consciousness again was the old man saying "Oh my—he must be still quite worn" with Kakashi replying "Maa, no worries; he tires easily."

The dick.

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When he woke up again, sunlight filled the corner of his vision—real sunlight, not some twinkly shit in the eyes of some random old coot without any knowledge on how to dress himself—and Obito noticed, for the first time, the sharp smell of antiseptics that penetrated the air of what looked like a hospital.

Although it seemed more like a room filled with beds and weird substances on shelves than an actual hospital—a hospital wing, maybe? Orochimaru's lair? Hell?

Obito sighed and forced his body to sit up. He noticed that he lay on a bed, the scratchy covers itching on his naked arms uncomfortably and he wore some sort of pyjama pants that were just as bad.

He sighed again—internally hoping that it wouldn't become a habit—looked to the left and almost jumped, wouldn't it be for his steely self-control.

"Yo."

There was Kakashi, sitting on the edge of the bed next to his. Staring at him like some kind of disturbed, one-eyed owl.

"Wha—" Obito looked around. The twinkly old man was gone, the stool next to Kakashi's bed empty and the chess board sat innocently atop a bedside table. Not a single piece moved.

Had it only been a sick dream? If so, then Obito wouldn't be surprised at all—he'd had a lot of weird dreams in the past. Hell, you couldn't live with the Akatsuki without having weird dreams every other night.

He looked at Kakashi again, who was still staring at him—hell, did the man ever blink?!

And then, suddenly, "I was thinking about whether or not to kill you."

Kakashi's tone was serious—nothing like the pissed-off-but-kinda-good-natured voice he'd had atop the Red Train Straight From Hell™.

His ex-teammate had actually contemplated if he should kill Obito while he slept like a baby in comatose and he didn't know if he was comfortable with that—screw this, Obito was so not comfortable with that.

"Then why—" am I still alive went unsaid.

"Because I think," always one for dramatics, Kakashi paused.

Obito's eye twitched.

"Because I think you're redeemable. Kinda. Even though you're an idiot."

Obito's eye twitched again.

"Or maybe it's because you're an idiot."

His arm joined his eye with the twitching.

"Yeah, that must be it. I mean; Uchiha Obito has never been known for common sense, right?"

"You—!" Obito grabbed the nearest pillow and hurled it with all his might—which, given his current strength, wasn't much—at the white head next to him. It flew over Kakashi's head, pushed some glass vials off a table in the process, smashed against the wall and fell limply to the floor.

Silence.

How embarrassing.

Kakashi smiled—maybe. He could be just crinkling his eyes, too; Obito never knew with that stupid mask.

"See? The Obito I know is still in there somewhere. I mean, beneath all the white zombie-plant-gli—"

"Will you stop calling it that already!"

After that, they fell into a more or less peaceful silence. Obito, not knowing what to do, looked down on his hands—one of them looked rough, scarred, while the other one reminded him uncannily of plastic. Thoughts of Sasori briefly filled his mind, but he pushed them away almost instantly. He didn't want to think of dead comrades now. Now, when he didn't have to think about anything, really—he could be just enjoying his time in this dimension while it lasted, right? Right.

And then Kakashi opened his mouth, the smile quite clear in his voice, and smashed every peaceful thought Obito had ever had since waking up for the second time: "It wouldn't do anything to kill you here anyway, would it? I mean, Infinite Tsukuyomi doesn't work like that."

Brief silence. Then, "Are you completely retarded? You're right, Infinite Tsukuyomi doesn't work like that. You wouldn't know that you're under it, because it doesn't allow you to think about it. Don't be an idiot."

"Maybe it wants me to think that."

"Retard."

"But it makes sense—why would there be a way to make tea fly—"

"Wait, what—?"

"—and talking chess pieces; c'mon, Obito."

"Wait, that was real?"

Now Kakashi looked at him as if he was the one running around raving about being under the influence of an illusion.

"Yes—I mean, no—I—"

"It's called 'magic', Mr Hatake," a third voice suddenly chimed in, the kind tone instantly ringing a few bells in Obito's head.

"You're Gai's relative! You're actually there."

The old man smiled. "You may call me whatever you feel like, but personally, I prefer 'Dumbledore'. And now, gentlemen; I assure you, you are under no illusion or spell."

Obito mouthed the word 'spell' with a particular expression on his face—as if he'd just swallowed a very weird fruit and couldn't quite decide what it tasted like—while Kakashi retorted smartly, "Maybe that's what Infinite Tsukuyomi wants me to think."

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a/n: Thanks for reading. I apologize for any mistakes and I want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews, faves and follows. I'm still kinda surprised and very glad that the first chapter went down so well. The next one is hopefully going to be ready soon. That's all.