notes— if you were thinking i've watched/read too much bridget jones in my life, you would be right.
this was absurdly fun to write ahaha. i'm so excited to see what i can do with it. enjoy!~

skeletons
in your
closet

the irredeemably gay flatmate and his girlfriend

;;

In which the best friend can't take a hint to save her life,
the heroine is traumatised by the Laptop Incident and its repercussions,
the neighbour flirts with everything with two legs in the vicinity,
and Natsu Dragneel is neither an emotional fuckwit nor a viable option.

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"Alright, Lu-chan." Levy sighs, absent-mindedly stirring her coffee as she delicately rests her chin on her hand. "Let's get this straight. He's hot. He's single. He's not a psychopath, an immature manchild, or an emotional fuckwit. He's invited you to live with him. And you're telling me you're genuinely, honest-to-God, one hundred percent not interested in taking it beyond friendship?"

Lucy nods emphatically. "That's right."

Her best friend fixes her with a judgemental stare, pursing her lips as she quirks an eyebrow. "Not even a little bit intrigued."

Lucy nods.

"No thought about it whatsoever."

"None," she agrees, taking a big bite of her cream-cheese bagel.

It's not that she's not interested in a romantic partner — there's only so much she can bear of being single in a city that seems to have more cutesy couples strolling around its streets than it knows what to do with — and she'll be the first to rise to her new flatmate's defence should anyone try to deny the fact that he's a genuinely lovely person. That's all indisputable. He's great, and she definitely gets along with him better than most people; naturally, or why else would she have decided to move in with him?

But let's just say Lucy's pretty sure she and Natsu Dragneel... suffer from a fatal incompatibility.

Levy scrutinises her for a silent minute as Lucy happily chews on her lunch, her expression unreadable. And it wouldn't take much puzzling on Lucy's part to guess what the girl's thinking so carefully about — Levy complains often enough about Lucy's romantic inclinations: namely, the lack thereof. She would say the reason Lucy's been single for most of her college career so far is not, as Lucy would put it, because she hasn't found the right person. God forbid such simple reasoning when faced with the threat of a life of singledom. No, Levy seems to be convinced Lucy's hiding something. Specifically—

"Lu-chan," Levy asks, assembling her features in some semblance of a serious expression. "Answer me honestly. Are you ace?"

Lucy rolls her eyes over the rim of her mug of hot chocolate. "No, Levy, I'm not asexual."

"Are you scared of love?"

"Of course not!"

"Do you have some secret pirate lover who you can only see for one day every ten years?"

"Levy—"

"He's nice, Lu-chan! He's friendly and cool and sexy as sin, and you're telling me you're not even thinking of pursuing something romantic! Even though you want a boyfriend, even though he's single and on the market!" Huffing, she leans back in her chair and crosses her arms. "Even though you clicked," she tacks on, tone accusatory.

"Levy, it's not like that," Lucy insists, trying to stifle a laugh. "I just— I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm just pretty sure that he's... Well, he... doesn't shop at the same stalls, if you catch my drift."

When Levy's brow just furrows in confusion, Lucy can't help but giggle. "I mean he walks on the other side of the street."

Levy's eyebrow rises further.

"You know." Lucy wiggles her eyebrows. "Bats for the other team."

"He plays volleyball, not baseball..."

Oh my god. "Pillow-biter," Lucy tries. Then grimaces, because shit,that sounds offensive.

Levy blinks. "I thought you weren't sharing a bedroom?"

"He, um—" Lucy scrambles for another explanation. "I think he prefers his groceries delivered round the back." She winces at the insinuation. Jesus Christ. "You know what I mean?"

Levy shoots her a weird look. "You guys live in an apartment, you don't have a back door."

Oh, for fuck's sake. "Gay, Levy," Lucy finally deadpans, rubbing at her temples exasperatedly. "I'm like, ninety-nine percent sure that Natsu Dragneel is jaw-droppingly, heartbreakingly, irredeemably gay."

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So, maybe Lucy wasn't being entirely honest.

At the very beginning, she might have been a little interested. A little. But it wasn't anything serious, alright, it was just her crushing. Friendship-crushing. Hardly even that, really, more of just a squeeze. A squish. She was, at one point in time, squishing on Natsu. That much she can willingly attest to.

And, as is common knowledge, squishing never counts. It's a temporary state of being in which you admire a person, appreciate their existence, want to get closer to them — but that's it. No pining, no squirming, none of the awkwardness where you're scared of being yourself around them in case they don't immediately fall in love with every aspect of your personality. That's all skipped over. You get to go straight from 'nice to meet you' to 'neighbour' without the messy in-between states of fluster. It's great.

Of course, they have their own drawbacks. Its pleasant being around a mutual squish, but it never really goes beyond that. You don't get to know them intimately or help them through the bad times; it tends to stall at laughing over bad days and getting coffee together, nodding at each other in the street and complaining about the most recent shitty blockbuster on Monday mornings. Squish territory is safe territory; comfortable, protected, easy—

And, admittedly... a little lonely.

But whatever, it's where Lucy likes to be.

Because she's safe, see, from all kinds of heartbreak, including what she could have suffered if she hadn't kept that distance. See, if it weren't only a squish, it would have really really sucked to learn that Natsu was actually gay, right? But because it was a squish, when she accidentally stumbled across him making out with some random guy in a bar that one night, and when she ran into him at a pride rally wearing a rainbow headband and oversized sunglasses, and when she tripped over his laptop cord and completely unwillingly managed to turn on some man-on-man porn on his computer, it sooo wasn't a big deal. It didn't affect her all that much — she was absolutely fine.

Well, except for the last one, which, no matter context and assumption, was about as mentally scarring as it's ever gotten for Lucy, to be honest. She didn't need to see that. Or rather, really didn't need to know that Natsu had seen that and would continue to see that and— Just. That's knowledge she could have done without. Period.

And the other great thing about explicitly not having a crush on Natsu was that she could see things with a clear eye. It meant she picked up on the hints — hints like how he really didn't flirt with girls like he did with guys; hints like the fact that he never really expressed romantic or sexual interest in the fairer sex; hints that, to be frankly honest, were the equivalent of a giant neon 'I LIKE BOYS' sticker taped to the back of his head.

She wasn't one hundred percent sure, of course. She couldn't be until — that is, if — he told her. But she was very, very, very almost sure; close enough to act on the assumption without any qualms.

(Really, he didn't leave much room for doubt. She still remembers The Laptop Incident with trepidation. God, she wishes she hadn't seen that. For Natsu's dignity's sake.)

This is the traumatic memory that has Lucy shuddering as she climbs the steps to the fourth story of her new apartment building. It's been two days now since she moved in, and seven hours since she and Natsu managed to drag the last of her cardboard boxes up the stairs.

Don't ask Lucy how she managed to collect so much crap in her three years of university so far. in her experience, English Lit student have an innate magical power to accumulate an absurd amount of useless, quirky, pointless possessions. Levy can attest to that. Whenever Lucy's round at hers, it's a challenge to walk from one side of a room to the other without knocking over at least three piles of stacked books, none of which Levy will have read yet.

As Lucy digs in her bag for her keys, the door across the hall from Number 16 — her Number 16, she thinks with a slightly smug air — cracks open to reveal the squinting eyes of their neighbour.

As far as neighbours go, Lucy's got it good. Cana is (apparenty) a remarkably friendly, helpful, conversational, considerate individual. Natsu's told her more than once that she's never been a problem so far. But there's just one thing that Lucy has yet to get used to...

"So!" Cana garbles, leering drunkenly through the gap of her open door. "You're the new Gray, are ya?"

Lucy wrinkles her nose as she fiddles with the keys in her hands. She can smell the sharp alcoholic fumes coming off Cana's breath across the hallway landing. "We met yesterday, Cana-san. But yeah, I'm Lucy, I just moved in."

"Hnnn~?" The woman leans on the door handle, swinging precariously. Lucy wonders exactly how she managed to get this drunk at four in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. "And Natsu knows that, does he?"

Lucy has to stifle a laugh behind her palm, nodding. Cana's eyes light up at the sound.

"Well, aren't you a cutie?" she coos, flinging the door open carelessly and stepping unsteadily into the corridor. Lucy's just turning the key in the lock when she feels the heavy weight of her neighbour slump against her back, arms looped round her shoulders in a sudden show of friendliness. "I like you way more than Gray, you know that? You're sooo much better, mmm..."

Lucy lets out an involuntary yelp as Cana nuzzles into the hair at the nape of her neck. "C-Cana-san, I need to go in now, so if you could just maybe let go, please..."

The door unlocks with a definitive click. Lucy all but hurtles into the entrance hall, propelled forward by the other girl's swaying. By the time she's regained her balance, Cana's all but hanging off her, laughing loudly with her head thrown back.

If Natsu hadn't known Lucy was home before, he sure would now.

"Cana-san—"

The girl in question makes a disgusted noise, feigning gagging motions. "Definitely not." She glances towards Lucy with a frown before prancing down the hallway with no more than a second of hesitation. Lucy's still taking her shoes off when her guest turns back and makes a gesture at Lucy as if she's asking her to follow. How kind to invite me into my own house, Lucy smiles before following her in.

"So!" Cana announces again. She's made herself comfortable at the kitchen table, swinging her legs out beneath her and twirling around on the stool. "Tell me, New Gray—"

"Lucy," she corrects quickly, taking a seat with her on the table and mentally patting herself on the back for not making any strict plans for today. She gets the feeling Cana would be happy to make conversation until the sun went down, and to be honest, Lucy's not that averse to the idea either. It would be nice to make some new friends, especially considering she's just moved to this part of town.

Her old apartment with Erza is across the city on the other side of the university campus. Natsu's place — her new place, she should say — is situated much more centrally, right in the heart of Tokyo, a ten minute walk from the train station and pedestrian-congested main street.

"Lucy," Cana amends, bowing her head in her direction. "Tell me. Has Natsu stopped his pining yet?"

"Hmm?" Lucy tilts her head in bewilderment, alarm bells already ringing in her head. Where is she going with this exactly?

"You know~" Cana guffaws, whacking Lucy on the back hard enough to leave her short of breath. This close, Lucy can tell she's not as drunk as she seems. The smell isn't as strong on her breath as it was from her room — but that brings up the whole different question of what exactly Cana is keeping hidden within the confines of her apartment walls. "You know," the girl in question repeats, enjoying a full twirl on the kitchen stool before slowing to a stop right in front of Lucy. "His lovesick act, with the sad faces and the pouting and the 'why doesn't he love me, my life is so hard, boohoo, boohoo'—"

"Hi there, Cana!" Lucy jumps and glances behind her, searching for the source of the words full of hidden meaning. Sure enough, Natsu's standing in the entranceway in grey sweatpants and nothing else, clearly having just stepped out of the shower. He rubs a towel through his hair roughly as he throws Cana a mildly irritated glare, little droplets of water falling from the hair flopping over his forehead.

It's at times like these that Lucy's thankful for her ability to keep her expression neutral. Half of her is screaming 'Cana said he, I was right, I was right!', part of her is awkwardly squirming at the situation she's suddenly found herself in, and some little shameless twinge in her gut is surreptitiously trying to check him out.

It's not every day that a half-naked athlete stands in your kitchen, after all. Well, except it is now for Lucy, or it will be — but that's beside the point.

Lucy smiles at Natsu apologetically. She gives the girl (currently snorting with laughter) beside her a quick glance. "Cana just came over for a chat, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you—"

Not even have the words left her lips that someone else walks into view and peaks out from behind Natsu, leaving all previous thoughts in the dust.

Her hair is the first thing Lucy notices about her: pale, shiny, soaking wet, and cut in the most adorable bob style she's ever seen in her life. Round blue eyes, rosy cheeks, small nose, heart-shaped face. The girl's like a doll in live action, blinking across the room at the two girls sitting in stunned silence at the kitchen table.

"Natsu?" she says in a quiet voice, throwing them an indulgent little grin around him before disappearing back out of view.

Lucy catches Natsu's eye for an awkward moment as he hesitates. She gives him a mild smile and he gets the message, muttering a quick "'scuse me," and turning his back to talk to the girl, and unfortunately leaving Lucy and Cana sitting in the kitchen trying blatantly not to eavesdrop on the conversation.

It's beyond obvious what she's accidentally stumbled into. They're both fresh from the shower, and from the hunch of Natsu's muscled shoulders, he's leaning down well into her space— aaand they're kissing, Lucy realises a second too late, averting her gaze in a desperate attempt to at least give the two of them a little privacy.

Cana, on the other hand, is happy to shamelessly stare at them in full blatancy, actually leaning forward in an effort to get a better view.

"Cana!" Lucy hisses, scandalised. There's only so much cockblocking she can do in one day and she's pretty sure she's fulfilled her quota already—!

Cana giggles and lolls forward further, all but lying on the table top. "Hey, Natsu!" she hoots loudly, smirking when he reactively jumps out of the kiss and throws an accusatory scowl her way. "'S been a long time since I saw you kissin' girls. Didn't you promise me your first relapse, babe?"

Lucy stills, eyes wide, mortified. Did Cana just... 'out' him? Should I even be here for this? Wait, but 'a long time since'? So is he or isn't he—?!

She hears a muffled laugh, without a doubt from the girl who was keeping her flatmate company. The person in question peaks round him again only to end up matching Cana's smirk. And the centre of attention himself looks like he's torn between kicking Cana out the window and slapping her on the back in congratulation for daring to say something so wildly inappropriate — the overall effect is a look of mild constipation, truthfully.

Lucy just kind of wants to melt into the floor. This isn't exactly how she expected her bonding time with her new flatmate to go. Or her neighbour. Or anyone, really. This is almost as bad as the impromptu porn screening she was subject to yesterday. Of course, the moment that thought pops into her head, her cheeks (finally) decide to go up in flames. There's only so much confusion surrounding Natsu's sexuality, habits, and preferences she can take before she spontaneously combusts.

The boy in question quickly glances at her, expression hard to read, before he turns back and gives his girl an apologetic smile. "Lis, maybe you should—"

"Good idea," she laughs, cutting him off. "I'll catch you later this week or something. Take care, alright?" When Lisanna leans up to presumably give Natsu another quick kiss, Lucy settles for staring at the smooth wooden surface of the table. She hears rather than sees Lisanna bid Cana a quick goodbye, the light pat of her steps in the corridor, and the quick creak of the front door swinging shut.

Natsu clears his throat. "So." When she looks up, he's got arms crossed and an eyebrow cocked — not at her like she was expecting though, but at Cana, who hasn't straightened up in her seat yet. In fact, she's happily languishing on the table as if it's as comfortable as a goosefeather pillow.

"Sooo," she leers, grinning like a cat.

Lucy squirms in her seat. At this moment, she wants nothing more than to bolt from the room to her bedroom. It's not yet the safe place her old room in her old flat was, of course, but comparing it to the agonisingly awkward atmosphere between the two other people in the kitchen, she'd be desperate for any sort of reprieve. But of course it would be beyond rude and she'd like to salvage what she can from the situation. She's got half a mind to load all the blame on Cana, who — sorry, but let's be honest — is obviously the real culprit here. And it would be a lie to say that she wasn't even a little bit interested in sorting out once and for all her flatmate in all his bewildering behaviour.

Lucy could never resist a good mystery novel.

And it is just curiosity, mind. This isn't all in some bid to introduce her own interests to the situation (Natsu Dragneel clearly has enough on his plate as it is, and she's less than eager to jump into that mess, thank you very much) but, more than anything, for clarification. They're flatmates now, for goodness' sake. There are some things she thinks it's only fair that she know.

Nevermind that all of this could have been sorted out if she had only had the presence of mind to come out and ask him before all of this speculation and assumption-making had occurred in the first place. But it's too late for that now, and quite frankly, Levy would never let her hear the end of it if she ever found out that the proclamation Lucy had made with such confidence at lunch earlier turned out not only to be wrong, but had led to a disaster including a tipsy neighbour who seems to know far more about Natsu than Lucy had given her credit for. Either that, or Cana is the least subtle person on the planet.

...Now that she thinks about it, it's probably both, isn't it?

"Cana," Natsu says, now sitting across from the two girls. "I'm gonna tell you now that we have no beer and I'm not opening any wine bottles for you."

She straightens up slowly, all the time not taking her eyes away from Natsu. As if trying to make a point of it (which is not the case — hopefully), she lets her gaze fall down to his bare chest, letting out an appreciative hum before grinning up at his eyes. Lucy isn't sure if she's flirting, mocking, or always like this. Again, she thinks it's probably all three. "You truly think I'm only here for that? In your time of need? I'm so hurt, Natsu, that you think so little of me."

Neither of them pay any attention to Lucy, who really feels that she probably should just go to her room and pretend none of this happened. Still, it's a little annoying. Like, she knows she's new and all that but they could at least try to include her...

"Next time I need someone to get drunk with, I'll knock on your door, promise." He doesn't look all that annoyed — definitely not as irritated as Lucy would expect someone to be if some random girl they just moved in with dragged in their drunk neighbour and proceeded to embarrass them in a variety of ways. It only makes her want to wince because it's as if she's the only who's finding everything the most awkward, which is not only preposterous but also so unfair.

Don't pout, Lucy resolutely demands from herself. Don't you dare.

"Natsuuu..." Cana tips forward again, resting her chin in her hand. "Don't be so cold, you mean thing. You're hurting my feelings. You'll break my heart."

"Cana." He clears his throat before finally glancing at Lucy. "We have company."

"So?"

"So, you're giving the completely wrong impression, Jesus. Try think about it the way it must look to Lucy, would you?"

Oh, so she's not invisible. That's nice.

Cana blinks as if only realising on whose back it was that she got dragged in here in the first place. She turns to Lucy in surprise. "Oh, we're not— No, Natsu's like my brother, we aren't like that! Obviously."

Obviously, Lucy wants to deadpan, but she's still trying to retain some dignity so she doesn't let herself show the overwhelming exasperation. "I see," she eventually manages.

"You should probably just leave, Cana." Natsu's pissed off expression says loud enough that, unlike Lucy, he's not trying in the least to be tactful.

"How rude!"

"Actually let me walk you out."

"Hey, hey, not fair." Cana pouts as he pulls her by the arm out of the kitchen. "I want to play with your foxy new flatmate, too—"

Lucy chokes.

"Goodbye, Cana, thanks for coming over, I'll see you later—" Natsu slams the door shut in her face, abruptly silencing the girl's continued protests.

In the left over silence, his sigh sounds from the corridor, as clear as if he were sitting right beside Lucy. She has no idea what to make of the awkward air. Is she supposed to act like nothing happened? Casually slide off the stool and slip into her room unnoticed before he can get back? Or maybe it's the perfect time to ask questions — any of the billion going round her head would do quite well. Questions like hey, just for future reference, what do you— who are you— like, what's your— are you— um... Don't take this the wrong way, which could be pretty much any way that isn't exactly the way I mean it, but what's your sexuality?

Yeah. She's sure that would go down swimmingly.

As if on cue, Natsu's head pops around the corner like a fish in seaweed, disembodied from the rest of him. His smile is beyond awkward, stiff and wide, and it makes Lucy want to cringe in on herself, curl up in a ball and pretend this isn't happening. She can't bear situations like this. She catches so much second hand embarrassment it's like it's the plague and she's a midden heap. Or... something like that but not as disgusting or unnecessarily crude.

"I'm going to... go... put on a shirt." Natsu clears his throat. "If that's okay. Then we can have a, uh, quick chat or something if you want...? Cana said you might not have gotten the right picture and I feel like I should probably set that straight before we... I mean, you are gonna live her now and all, so..."

In any other situation, Lucy would be touched. Truly. She'd be thoroughly impressed with how he's handling it all, taking it all into his stride — nevermind that she can't handle even minutely awkward situations for the life of her. So, really, mornally she'd be impressed!

If it weren't for the small fact that while saying all of this Natsu stays hidden behind the wall, his floating head starting to look not only painful but also a terrible strain on his neck.

"Go finish dressing, idiot," she finds herself saying, biting back a laugh.

And the relieved look he shoots her suddenly makes her feel totally, completely, very unlike-herself-ly at ease. The tension seems to drain from the atmosphere; it's still awkward, but in a fluffier way if that makes sense.

He dashes into his room to finish dressing. Lucy spins around absent-mindedly on the stool. Whatever, she thinks, waiting for him to return with a pocketful full of explanations. No matter how this turns out, I'm not interested. Because, gay or not, Natsu Dragneel is without a doubt still not a viable option.

Because— "Friends," she mouths to herself silently, and smiles around the word. What a wonderful, uncomplicated, safe, squishy concept.

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