About nine months later.

####OQ#####

"Oh, I just want this to be OVER!"

"Me too so focus on your breathing Felicity and try to push harder."

"Frack you, Oliver. I seriously hate you right now."

Her face contracted in agony, and she screamed while she bore down, and he stood wishing he could take her pain away and bear it himself. Watching her labor, and now he understood why they called it labor, he assured himself that he would never get her pregnant again, not that he'd meant to this time.

"And you've hated me at least ten hours now but I love you and you've got this. Try to breathe through the pain like we practiced." Her grip on his hand had to be bruising him as she screamed but uncaring, he locked his hand with hers and looked deep into her blue eyes.

"I can't." She groaned deeply and squeezed her eyes shut as she rocked.

"Yes, you can. Concentrate on your breathing just like we practiced. It will help with the pain. In through your nose and push the pain away by blowing out through your mouth. Come on, you're almost there. Push, Felicity! I believe in you. You can do this."

"Just shut up and leave me alone, Oliver. You're not helping." She sat up and then flopped back down, before she twisted and turned, and he knew she could no longer find an escape from the pain and his chest hurt.

"Hey, hey, I know you don't mean that."

"Then you'd be wrong! YES I DO."

"I know you're in pain. Now hate me all you want but I'm here, and I'm not leaving. Now focus on your breathing."

"Stop bossing me! Frack YOU, Oliver! This all your fault. You do know that you're never having sex again, EVER. And I mean it."

"I think you've mentioned that more than once in the last twenty four hours. Okay, I'm guilty. This baby's all my fault. I caused this baby by not realizing we had no protection the night we got back together. I should have realized that you hadn't gone to get your shot. Totally my fault. Feel better?" He watched the machine that monitored her and knew her contraction was cresting again. "Regardless, PUSH NOW, FELICITY!"

She pushed and groaned and as soon as the contraction receded, she sighed and flopped back against the bed and said, "Drugs, why didn't I do drugs?"

"You decided drug free is easier on the baby."

"And why didn't you talk me out of it? I must have been crazy."

"I wish I had since you're not the only one regretting you not having painkillers right now."

"Stupid move on my part. What was I thinking? Next time I'm going to have lots of drugs." She moaned and thrashed on the bed and pushed his hands away from her with the words, "Stop touching me."

And the color literary drain slowly out of his face as his mind thought "NEXT TIME!" And the words spilled out before he could stop them.

"Trust me, there's not going to be a next time, especially if you don't marry me. One child out of wedlock is more than enough. I'm not putting you or me through this ever again."

"Frack you, Oliver, you're not my boss. You don't get to decide. But doesn't this make two children out of wedlock?"

"Don't go there, Felicity. Now's not the time."

"Right who's counting? So what if you already have one illegitimate child, you didn't share with me?" She screamed at him, "But, trust me, if I want another illegitimate baby by you, I'll have another illegitimate baby by you. If I want another baby you'll give me another baby."

"This baby is only illegitimate because you refuse to marry me."

"Don't you dare bring up MARRIAGE right now! I've warned you about asking me to marry you! Not one word. Got it?"

The best OBGYN in Star City grinned from between her legs but wisely said nothing as Felicity collapsed panting.

"Oh, I've got it. The next time you'll have to ask me. I won't ask again." He still had a problem reigning his anger in.

Sweating and looking like hell, she crushed his hand as she snapped, "In your dreams, just be glad I agreed to use your last name, Oliver Queen."

His stomach knotted tightly, and he forced himself to unclench his jaw. Yeah, she truly knew how to push his buttons, and she didn't care he'd wanted to marry her before the baby arrived. No, she wouldn't even discuss marriage with him since he'd foolishly assumed her being pregnant meant she'd be eager to marry him.

Talk about a bad call on his part.

Once again, he'd forgotten to ask her and when he'd talked about what she'd called rebooting their wedding like it was a given, she'd exploded.

Now, every time the marriage topic came up, they fought and it continued to be a sore spot, a raw spot, with no middle ground between them and it plainly infuriated him. Now, he'd gotten to the point that just thinking about her refusing to marry him angered him, and he hated that he found himself coping by hitting something hard repeatedly, promise or no promise not to hurt himself.

But he kept that fact to himself and if he carefully wrapped his hands tightly up before he attacked the practice dummy, she didn't have a clue.

And he didn't want her to her to know that he needed to hit to COPE!

"Oh, this hurts and I'm tired, Oliver. I'm totally done. I'm done with this. I quit."

She flopped back against the raised birthing bed but another contraction seized her.

Her contractions came one right after another now, and Felicity screamed and moaned loudly in anguish, and he'd have done anything to take her pain away, anything to lend her his strength. She'd been in labor a long time without much progress, and her doctor'd finally induced and then her labor had come on with a vengeance. And in his opinion, Felicity'd been in pain way too long, and he could do little to help.

And as her labor progressed, she cried and screamed and cried some more and cursed him and even punched him in the arm and in his chest several times, but he found nothing he did helped her. Yes, he could do nothing about her pain but hold her hand, rub her back, and he'd given up trying to reason with her since whatever he said made her madder at him.

Never, he promised himself, never would he put her and him through this kind of pain again. No matter what she said, he'd get fixed before he watched her go through labor again. One illegitimate child, as she put it, would be more than enough. And soon he would be father to two children, and if he got fixed, he would never have to watch her hurt like this ever again.

"Come on Felicity, you're almost finished. Big push," said her doctor.

"I told you I quit," she snapped.

Please, he prayed, let this child be born and soon.

"Sorry, Felicity that's not the way it works."

Her doctor gave them a slight grin with her words. "Your baby's has to come out. And soon, trust me, you're in the home stretch now."

The contractions no longer waited but rushed now, one right after another, like the incoming tide, they crashed and rippled, giving her almost no rest between them as she panted and sweat, and he grimaced knowing he'd put her through this because he hadn't protected her.

No, he'd never given a thought to protection as he'd carried her to the bedroom and taken her, or rather she'd taken him, or they'd take each other but all he'd thought about was having her, right then and right there.

Bad him.

He hadn't asked if she was still on the depo or given a thought to using a condom. She'd been on the depo from the beginning, and why would he think otherwise? And, that moment, they'd barely discussed children and all he'd wanted was her.

Stupid him, since just a few short weeks later everything'd made her sick. She threw up if he brewed coffee or cooked eggs, and the smell of peppers and onions sent her running gagging to the bathroom. Soon everything he cooked made her nauseous and secretly the fact take out made her throw up too thrilled him.

But, it wasn't long after that, she'd handed him a white stick, with two red stripes and ask if he knew what that meant?

No, he didn't, but he could darn sure read the words 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' on the stick, and his legs had failed him, and he'd had to sit down as he'd stared at that white stick with two faint red lines.

They never discussed not having the baby, and he realized pretty quickly that both of them had better learn to live on crackers and lemon line soda, since that was all that stayed down her those first few months. Finally, she'd gotten over the sickness, but it'd still been a hell of a ride, and he'd learned to take his cue from her, on a daily basis.

Some days she'd loved him with a passion, her mood beyond happy, her body full of energy and other days, she screamed at him, cried at nothing and became plain unreasonable. Those days he talked to John on Skype in the sand, who assured him that pregnancy had also made Lyla irrational and difficult. So, he figured out pretty quickly that her mood could swing in a matter of seconds, as he attempted to ride the roller coaster his life had become.

But, he'd changed a lot in the last months. She'd wanted him to scream, to fight back, well they had some terrible fights and some awesome make up sex over the last months, for even as her body changed, he'd still wanted her, if anything, he wanted her more than he ever had. But, his favorite times of her pregnancy had been as they had lounged in bed, and he'd loved talking to her belly, to his baby and had trained the baby to kick while still in the womb. Patting her belly three times, he would get a kick from the baby and a giggle out of Felicity, unless it was the middle of the night, and he woke her up.

Then she didn't giggle.

And she was far from giggling now, and he groaned in relief as the doctor placed her hand on Felicity's bulging stomach and said, "Come on big push now, finally this baby's head's crowning. Almost there, Felicity. Just a few more good pushes and you'll have your baby. You're doing fine."

She screamed and grabbed his hand and pulled against him with the words, "I hate the word FINE! Oliver, tell her I HATE THE DAMN WORD FINE!" And again he wondered if she'd broken his hand as she squeezed his hand, bore down and screamed the words, "DAMN YOU, OLIVER. This hurts more than I thought it would! This baby needs to hurry up!"

"Doc, don't use that word. It's not a good word. Bad, really bad word. Don't say it to her ever again."

"Alright how about grand?"

"Yeah, GRAND IS GOOD. That's it, Felicity, push!"

"I see your baby's head. That's the way. Push!" The doctor encouraged her, and Felicity screamed wildly as she bore painfully down, while crushing his hand as he held on tight.

She was wring sweat as she flopped back against the bed with the words, "I can't do another."

"Yes, you can do it, one more. Come on." He watched the machine and saw that the contraction was rushing upward and he locked his gaze with hers.

"Last one. Come on, I know you. You're strong. One more and this will be over. Pull against me. Look at me!"

Felicity bore down forcefully, forcing their baby, their joining, painfully out into the real world as she bawled and cried and made his chest ache and they totally connected with their eyes.

"That's the ticket. YES, FELICITY, the head is head out, relax now. Don't push. Come on, baby Queen, it's time to breathe. Your mommy didn't do all that work for nothing." The doctor reached and picked up a brown suction bulb from a nearby tray.

"Why isn't the baby breathing, Oliver? Make my baby breathe." Felicity released his hand and rose up on her elbows, her eyes wild, while her hand moved to clutch his forearm ruthlessly. "Doctor? Oliver? Somebody do something. Make him BREATHE!"

Tears showed in her voice, and he reached and squeezed her hand as his chest tightened and his stomach plummeted since he didn't know the answer.

Then the small bloody mess of a tiny child inhaled sharply as the doctor suctioned his mouth and nose out and the child screamed.

The doctor rolled the baby's shoulders and their baby slipped out screaming in a gush of body fluids.

"And it's officially a boy. Almost done now."

Felicity cried out in relief, falling back against the bed, and he choked up and shed real tears of pure joy, tears that he'd have denied, but true tears filled his eyes as their son entered the world, and she was out of pain, the worst behind them.

"Yes, it's a boy." He breathed the words out. "You did it, Felicity. He's here, finally here."

Weakness almost overpowered him, making it hard to stand, as their baby, his son gave a small mewl, then a large wail as the doctor rolled the red faced, bloody and screaming tiny being up on top of Felicity's stomach, with his tiny arms and legs flailing.

"Oh, look at him, Oliver. He's beyond beautiful." Felicity released his hand and reached and touched their baby with trembling fingers, her tears streaming freely down her face, while his own eyes continued to leak.

"Oliver, do you want to do the honors and cut his cord?"

Her doctor deftly flipped the scissors over in her hand and offered them to him.

Unable to contain his smile, and he knew his face probably possessed the largest, silliest, most impossible grin ever, and totally unsure if any of this was real, he reached out and took the scissors.

He concentrated on the cold metal beneath his hand and thought, yes, I'm here, this is real, and we just had a baby.

Heaven help him but he found it hard to breathe. How had John been able to do this? And Lyla? The world seemed to be rushing by too fast, and he wanted to run, to go somewhere to escape all this emotion, but knew he couldn't. He had to stay and take care of Felicity and heaven help him, a tiny baby.

"Oliver, you still with us?"

He blinked a couple of times and pulled himself back. "Yeah, I'm here."

"Good then cut about right here. He's a big one. I'd bet he goes almost nine pounds but then you're a big man, Oliver." Her doctor pointed to a spot on the cord, and he clipped his son's cord just below where the doctor had clamped the cord off, while the tiny child screamed sharply and flailed his arms and legs desperately on Felicity's now flatter belly.

"Awe, Oliver, look at him. Look at what we made." Felicity gave him a light filled smile and it warmed him, and he knew together, with her help, he could do this.

"He's beautiful, just like his mother."

"No, silly he's a boy. He's handsome, just like you, Daddy."

The word 'daddy' seemed to bounce around his brain before he said, "You did it, Mommy. I'm very proud of you, Felicity. Thank you."

But he thought that at this moment his son looked more like a bloody gunk covered, red faced and wrinkly old man. Yet he had a feeling that saying that might just make her punch him yet again, and he wisely kept quiet.

"No, we did it. Us." She winked at him then clasped his hand hard again, making his heart speed up.

And even sweaty, bloody and completely undone, her hair a disheveled mess, he thought she remained the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen, that he'd ever had the pleasure, the honor to touch. Leaning in, he kissed her carefully on her lips, and even bedraggled and looking drained, he loved the way she smelled and the touch of her skin soothed him as his huge love for her welled up inside him, closing up his throat.

"I love you desperately," he said before he kissed her lips, and she smiled into his kiss.

"Ditto." Her bright blue eyes sparkled and unwound his control. Once again his eyes leaked, and he turned and scrubbed his face in an attempt to compose himself.

Turning back to her, he gave her another sweet careful kiss as the nurse took the screaming baby away to clean him up, measure and weigh him and do all those things that needed done. And unable to help himself, he watched the nurse raddle off facts to another nurse as another nurse inked his feet and foot printed him and then put a bracelet on him, solid proof he belonged to them.

The doctor reached and pushed on her stomach and her blood seemed to be everywhere, drawing his attention back to Felicity.

"She's hemorrhaging?" His chest tightened with the words, and his legs went weak under him.

"No, this much blood is normal, Oliver. Just part of having a baby. Felicity, nothing to it now, let's get that placenta delivered, then a few stitches and both of you can meet your new son."

He reached and held her hand while the doctor worked, his thumb rubbing her soft skin, while his other hand smoothed her sweaty hair away from her face.

"I'm shaking." She pulled her hand from his and wrapped her arms around her chest visibly trembling.

"Normal side effect. Deb, get her a heated blanket. It's probably hormones but the heat will make her feel better."

And quickly the nurse left and returned with a heated blanket. After the nurse covered her up, he pulled the blanket up and tucked it under her chin.

"Better?"

"Yeah, lots." She wet her chapped lips, with her tongue, and smiled up at him. "Except now I'm starving. And Oliver, I want coffee, lots of coffee. Believe me; I'd kill for coffee right now."

"Doc?"

"Of course you can have coffee. All you want now. Deb, order her something from the cafe too. Burger and fries sound good?"

"Sounds wonderful. I'm famished."

They'd decided to have the baby in the birthing room, not in delivery room, and the special bed snapped back together, and it wasn't long until the doctor and the nurses had Felicity cleaned up, and she sat up in the bed, carefully holding their new baby boy.

With a face that spoke of pure love, she looked down and said, "I've waited eight long months to meet you handsome. I can't believe how much you look like your daddy. Oliver, look how much he favors you."

"I don't know about that. I see you in him too. In his face, look at his chin and his cheek bones."

A nurse named Beth arrived to work with her to get the baby to nurse. Felicity had decided she would breastfeed but the infant, although alert, wasn't interested and refused to latch on. He sighed as Felicity looked like she was going to cry because the baby wouldn't take her breast.

"It's normal for the baby to nurse very little to begin with but you're still bonding with him," Beth assured them. "Skin to skin, helps him bond with you. Keep touching him. Keep trying."

"He'll be interested later, right?" Felicity said with a major frown, and he moved and touched her shoulder, trying to reassure her.

"Oh, he'll come around, just watch; soon all he'll want to do is eat and sleep. Now when he does latch on you'll need to switch breasts every ten minutes and start out with the breast he finished on last feeding insuring your milk will even out. Otherwise you'll end up with one breast empty and the other one engorged. Not a good feeling, trust me. And I'm going to warn you that your breasts will leak. I'll send you home with some samples but you'll need to buy breast pads. Just thinking about your baby can make your milk come down at the most unexpected times. And don't worry about remembering everything I'm telling you, it all there in this packet if you need to refresh your memory."

Oliver cleared this throat and said, "On that note, I think I'll go and see everyone waiting and then come back after you two discuss this."

"Chicken." Felicity gave him a small weak smile.

"Totally."

He winked at her as he found he couldn't talk from the emotions attacking him. Entering the hall, he shut the door, and once again he'd stopped to scrub his face with his hands.

Breathe, he told himself. You can do this but he found himself truly missing John's presence and strength right now. Bracing himself, he entered the packed waiting room.

Donna Smoak jumped up along with Quinton Lance. Lyla and baby Sara, Thea, Curtis and his husband and Barry and the rest had dropped everything and stood ready to meet their new baby and there were balloons and flowers everywhere.

"It's a boy!" He said as Donna squealed and jumped into his arms. Yet, he stood on the verge of losing it as everyone hugged him and patted his back. It was too much emotion at once but he muddled through it, as he barely hung on.

A short while later, the large group moved to her room, and he lost count of the people and well-wishers who shook his hand, clapped him on the back, and wished them well, until finally later, much later, only the three of them were left in the room, and he could almost breathe normally again.

"Here, Oliver. I've noticed you haven't had a turn yet," she said softly as she tried to pass the baby to him, but he took a step back and wrapped his arms around himself and shook his head.

"Please, not yet, okay, Felicity? I'm just. . .not ready."

"Overwhelmed?"

"Yeah, please give me a little time. He's, this day's, a lot to take in. I can't hold him, not yet. I will. I promise, just not quite yet."

"Okay," she said quietly, "You okay? I know we've had a long day."

"It's been harder on you. And actually that's a huge understatement. This entire day has been the best one of my life, well not the you being in pain thing; I hated that but the rest. Oh, wow, Felicity, we made a baby. A brand new person."

"Yeah, we did. Here come."

She patted the bed, and he moved and sat beside her as she unwrapped the hospital's pastel blanket, and he watched as she counted their baby's toes and looked at each of his extremely tiny long fingers, with his transparent finger nails and his tiny face with his long eye lashes, as she announced, "He's perfect, Oliver, and he's worth the pain he put me through."

Slowly, she slipped the tiny striped cap off his head and smoothed his thin dark hair, and he swallowed hard. "I don't think anything is worth you being in pain. But how can he be that small? Your hand looks huge beside his head, mine's going to be giant."

Looking up, she caught his eyes before she said, "No, it isn't. And he'll grow really quick. Now are you sure you don't want to hold him?"

"I'm sure." And his stomach plunged from the very thought of holding him.

"Alright then but actually he's a big baby, the nurse, Deb, and the doctor both said so, eight pounds and ten ounces and a little over twenty two inches long." Sliding the cap back on his head, she wrapped his tiny body back up, with the words, "I want to try to nurse again but I'm really tired. Could you push the bassinet over closer to the bed?"

He jumped up to fetch the clear baby bed and pushed it over to her, and watched as she gently lay their baby down. And his brain thought, 'THEIR BABY.' Now, he had a baby to look out for. A tiny person who'd changed everything in his life even before drawing his first breath.

Felicity said quietly, "I want to keep holding him but I'm going to take a tiny nap. I'm tired and starting to think I'll drop him. It's good that he gets to stay in the room with us because that means he's healthy."

"I know you're worn out, Felicity. I think a nap's a great idea, since we both know sleeping and hospitals don't go together. I'll keep an eye on the baby, on him."

"He needs a name."

"I know. I've been thinking about it."

"I want to know when I wake up so think about a name, Oliver. He needs a name and soon, and we agreed that you would give him his first name. And I would give him his middle name and I know it now."

"Do you?"

Her smile lit her tired face. "Yeah, pick something that goes with Jeffery."

He stared hard in her eyes and said, "Jeffery, huh? Why that name?"

"I'll tell you later when I'm not this tired. Right now, how about because, I like it, and trust me, it's the perfect middle name for him. But his first name is up to you. Think about it."

"I will. I promise." And she reached out and gripped his hand, lacing her fingers with his and shut her eyes.

The names of all the people who'd influenced him during his life spun through his head. He thought of his father Robert, his friend Tommy, even Slade, and Mike. But none of them seemed right. And all of them reminded him of death. He needed a name that spoke of life, of living, not of dying.

Felicity drifted away into sleep and her fingers went slack on his hand. Carefully, he pulled his hand from hers and with one finger he touched his son's surprisingly tiny soft hand, and the boy's blue eyes snapped open and his son managed to reach and wrap his tiny surprisingly strong miniature fingers around his thumb, making his stomach flip over.

Unable to help himself, he felt his love for their child once again tighten his chest, and he smiled as he said softly, "What shall I call you?" as he stroked his baby's skin, and he closed his eyes and just relish the moment as he thought of all the things he wanted to share with this child, how he wanted to be there to hear his first word, to see his first smile, his first steps and all those other firsts after that.

Sitting there, he thought about how they'd created this child, this being in a moment of intense love and a peace settled over him, as he realized this child was a gift since for the first time in years, he'd finally taken a huge step toward wanting a future, toward planning a future. In time, the child's fingers went lax on his thumb, and he pulled away and took out his phone.

Grinning, he searched baby names that meant gift and like normal with the internet, one page led to another and he smiled and said out loud, "Benjamin. Yes, Benjamin it is. But Benjamin is too long to use every day, so we'll call you Ben for short."

And he wished Felicity would to wake up soon, so he could tell her, but knowing how tired she was, he could wait, and he returned to touching his son's velvety skin.

Later, he rubbed sleep from his eyes as he heard her quiet words, "I'm cold."

The hospital room's dim light made everything surreal. Realizing, he'd dosed off in the chair beside her, his eyes scanned the sleeping baby, and Felicity's white face.

"Are you all right?" His heart sped up, realizing she looked too pale.

"No, I feel weak, and I need to get up and use the bathroom."

She sat up and started to carefully rise before she said, "Oliver, maybe you should call the nurse, I feel strange. I'm lightheaded, dizzy almost. I feel bad but I need to get up and pee."

He stood as he said, "Wait, Felicity. I don't want you to fall. Let me help you. I'll push the IV. You can lean on me."

Pushing the covers back, she started to sit up but she gave a large gasp, and he saw the large bright red spot staining the bed and her hospital gown.

Instantly, a hard lump formed in his throat. Not wanting to panic her, but beginning to lose it, his heart raced as he covered her back up and hit the nurse's button, while his own blood rushed, pounded in his ears.

"Problems?" Came the nurse's voice.

"I need someone to come right now. She's bleeding and we need the bed changed. PLEASE COME NOW. RIGHT NOW!"

"I'll send someone. Just give us a minute."

"NO, don't send someone in a minute, come NOW."

Lifting the blanket, she looked again and said, "Oliver, you know I hate the sight of blood, especially my own." She gagged a little. "But, I feel strange. Please, something's wrong, Oliver. I'm really tired but I need to get up and pee. Help me up. I have to go to the bathroom."

"No, Felicity, just stay put. Don't try to get up. Go ahead and pee if you need to. BUT, whatever you do don't go to sleep or move. I'll get help, right NOW."

Quickly, he rushed out the door and grabbed the first nurse, he encountered by the arm and tugged on her.

"She's covered in blood. HELP ME! I need you to come right NOW."

"Sir, I'm sure it's fine. First time father?"

She gave him a knowing smile.

"YEAH. BUT PLEASE COME NOW!" He couldn't stop his voice from rising. "And I need someone to call her doctor. NOW! Please don't wait, call her doctor right now!"

"Her doctor's probably gone for the day. But I'll come and look if it'll make you happy."

The nurse gave him a small grin with a look that clearly said, you're wasting my time, foolish first time father, this is nothing.

When they entered, their baby cried sharply as he opened the door. Felicity had turned on her side, pale and still now.

The nurse pulled the covers back and hit the call button.

"Someone is coming soon."

"Beth, call Dr. Mitchell NOW! Her patient's experiencing a postpartum hemorrhage, and I need a rapid response team stat and all the help you can send me. NOW, RIGHT NOW! It doesn't look good."

The baby continued to scream as people flooded into the door, and he stood feeling helpless as his world collapsed around him.

The first nurse elevated her feet. The second nurse barked orders. "Get me another line in. I need a blood type."

"Nothing in the record."

"Crap, someone type her. Sir, could you take your baby and step out, please."

A nurse picked up the baby and tried to hand his son to him. "NO, I can't." he said sharply, stepping back and refusing to take the baby, knowing the last thing he could do was hold him right now.

A nurse pulled on his arm, and he resisted. "No, no. NO, I have to stay with her. I AM NOT leaving her."

Her doctor arrived dressed in a plain clothes and flats rushing in the door and started rapid firing orders, "You press on her belly and massage it. It will help stop her bleeding. Beth, have you typed her? Never mind get me some type O negative. MOVE, we don't have time. I want blood in her stat or we're going to lose her and get him out of here."

The machines went wild, chiming, alarming and it took several nurses to push him out of the room but he heard the words, "Come on, Felicity stay with us. You have a baby that needs you. Lora, get me a crash cart and some blood NOW. And get me some."

The door shut cutting off her words and someone took his screaming baby away and his baby's cries echoed down the empty hall, as he fell apart, sliding down the wall to the floor.

"NO!" He grasp raggedly, sitting straight up in their lonely bed, his hands reaching, searching the covers beside him. Desperately, needing her to be there in the bed beside him, his heart contracted, squeezed painfully as his breath came out labored, and his stomach bottomed out. He fought his way back to reality, came wide awake sweating buckets to find their bed empty, extremely empty and cold, and the reality of the empty blankets on her side overpowered his emotions, since he couldn't tell if she'd ever been there or not.

He couldn't think. His brain refused to work. Had she died? What was real? Where was his baby?

"Felicity?" He yelled into the darkness. "Answer me!"

Heart pounding loudly in his ears, he needed to find real, ached to find now, and he wasn't sure what was real anymore.

Jumping to his feet, he stumped, almost falling, in his haste, but he caught himself as he ran to the bathroom and found it empty, and he turned on his heel. Wrenching their bedroom door open, he hurried to the nursery, to that blue room that he'd repainted three times because the color wasn't just right, and she'd stood in this very hall and smiled and said, "Please, Oliver, just one more time the color just isn't right."

He could clearly remember that. The baby was real. Flashes of her pregnancy spun through his mind. Her laughing showing him tiny clothes, their excitement when the baby started to kick, and how he'd almost being late , almost missed the ultrasound where they'd found out he was a boy, all those memories and more flashed through his mind.

Jerking, their baby's door open, he stood in the dark hoping, with his heart in his throat, hoping to find them both there, to find life, but instead he found an empty room, a room that spoke of Felicity's touch, a sweetly decorated room with tiny arrows hand painted on Ben's crib, but the room held no sign of life and didn't answer his question.

He scrubbed his face and demanded himself to think.

Would he have dealt with the crib, the room, if she'd died? Would he have taken everything out of the room? Or would he have gone on alone with just him and their baby? Surely even if she had died, he would still have her baby, still have that piece of her? He couldn't remember and didn't know and couldn't think. Confused, his mind barely working, he found the dream still controlling him, and he wanted to scream and hit something.

What if he was alone? What if he was responsible for their baby? Where was his baby? His son was once again gone, lost to him.

Closing his eyes, he pushed the helplessness down and said out loud, "Focus. Think."

Turning, he retraced his steps returning to the bedroom, this time calling her name, loudly, desperately calling her name, repeatedly.

"FELICITY, answer me. FELICITY? PLEASE, ANSWER ME! Ben where are you? Felicity? BEN? BENJAMIN!" He stood at the top landing now and looked down into a dark living room, his heart pounding wildly in his chest.

"Shh, Oliver, I'm here, we're down here in the living room. I'm just about to get Benjamin back to sleep. SHHH! Don't yell."

Hurrying down the stairs, rushing, he thought his heart would pound out of his chest as he hoped that he wasn't hearing things, hoped he hadn't made her voice up in his head, just hearing what he wanted to hear, what he needed, ached to hear.

Yes, please, let her and the baby be real, and he took in her bowed blonde head, her blonde hair loosely framing her face as she sat curled up on the couch in her soft teddy bear PJ's and one of his button up shirts, unbuttoned about half way down and pushed to one side, showing her bare breast, her gaze intently focused on the tiny dark haired child latched sleepy on her nipple. He could smell her and Ben as he got closer, as she sat cuddling that small being that they'd created in love and that'd almost taken her from him.

But what a lovely image the two of them made sitting on their couch in the loft.

Slowly, he shut his eyes and tried to slow his racing heart. His hand trembled and he clenched it as his brain engaged, remembering how close she'd come to dying that night, knowing that he never wanted her pregnant again. Knowing that against her wishes, he'd already checked on getting himself fixed. And, how he'd thought about making that appointment, but he knew he'd better discuss it with her before he took action if he wanted there to continue to be an us.

And he was still thinking about how to convince her that one child would be enough, she had Ben now, had the baby that they'd created, and he didn't understand how she couldn't recognize how lucky she was to still be here after she'd hemorrhaged. But he could seem to find the words to make her understand that she'd survived and it wasn't because he'd saved her.

Self-hate engulfed him knowing he hadn't saved her. No, he'd been watching their baby, then he'd been sleeping and had let his guard down, while she'd been quietly bleeding to death in the hospital bed beside him, and that another few minutes and she'd have been gone, would have bleed out and been lost to him, forever.

The memory of her doctor's drawn face flashed thorough his mind as she had told him they'd been lucky, Felicity had turned the corner and had stabilized, but she would be keeping her in the hospital a few days. Then the woman had walked away. On autopilot, he'd returned to her room and after he'd shut the door, and checked that she was breathing, once again he'd slid down the wall and sat in the cold floor a long while, unable to stand.

All he could think about was that he wouldn't he put her in such danger again not for sex, even if he loved sex with her. And the only choice seemed to be him getting fixed.

Not that she'd agreed, since they'd already had words about it. Yes, it all came flooding back.

"Oliver, are you okay?" She turned her face up and gave him one of her special smiles. "You looked panicked an instant there. Bad dream?"

He used to lie to her about the dreams, pretend they weren't real but not anymore.

Instead, he gave a slight shrug before he said, "Yeah, we were back at the hospital the night he was born, and I woke up alone."

She looked at him hard, her blue eyes drilling into his before she said, "And you thought the worst?"

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck and forced out the words. "I thought you'd died. And then I couldn't find either of you when I woke up."

Her hand reached out, with the words, "We're here and everything okay. Come here, join us, daddy."

Her light filled smile engulfed him.

Clearing his throat, he said, "Daddy, huh?"

"Well, since he's almost two weeks old, it's time you decide what you want him to call you. You could be papa, or father, or how about old man?" Her voice held that special tone she reserved for teasing him, and a tiny smile tugged on the corners of his mouth.

Moving, he sat beside her on the couch, as he watched her nurse their son. Clearing his throat, he said, "Funny, but I think daddy or dad will work unless you want him to call you old woman?"

She giggled before she said, "I guess he can wait and call you old man when he's a teenager."

"I don't want to even think about him being a teenager right now."

Her hand smoothed his cheek. "Oliver, are you alright? I know the dreams are hard on you."

"I'm awesome as of right now, because I have what I need to make me happy."

"Me too. My two men. Have you noticed Ben has your nose? It's past cute."

He reached and touched her, making sure that she was truly real, that she was truly alive and there with him as he sat beside her and the baby, his strong arms encircled them both.

Carefully, he breathed in the sweet scent that was her, a smell that was like sunshine and flowers and now included baby powder and something else that totally smelled like a sweet baby and made his chest ache.

"And my hair, thank goodness, but he has such blue beautiful eyes, Oliver, just like yours. And yes, I'm real, feel me touching you, try to ground yourself and try to think about us not the nightmare."

"Caught me huh? I'm trying but it's hard when you almost died on me. I wish you would reconsider me getting a vasectomy? I adore sex with you but I'm not getting you pregnant ever again."

"We've discussed this." She sighed before she went on, "I know what happened was traumatic for you, for both of us, but this is my body and my choice. And you need to remember I was an only child, and I was lonely, Oliver. I want to have another baby, not soon but Ben needs a little brother or sister."

"Darn right it was traumatic. Ben can play with Sara or we can adopt. I'm never living through that again. I mean it. I want to make an appointment and get it done as soon as possible."

"Please, I'm too tired to argue with you tonight. Ben has decided today is a no sleeping day, and I'm exhausted. Can we just table this discussion a few months? I mean it's after 4 A.M. And what time did you get home?"

He shut his eyes and sighed, then opened them, not wanting to discuss that he'd been at the lair beating up the dummy, when he should have been home with her and Ben, so he said, "I'm sorry I didn't come home earlier. Did Ben have a tummy ache?"

"He was fussy. I think maybe he misses his daddy's voice? You used to talk to him before he was born, Oliver."

Reaching out, his callused fingertip cautiously smoothed their baby's soft face, and he realized once again how much larger his hand was than his tiny son's head. And the idea of how small his child was compared to him, scared him and made his jaw tighten enough it ached, before he, shamelessly, turned the conversation to the baby.

"His skin is really soft, like his mom's."

"Yeah it is but I love his blue eyes. They look like yours Oliver."

"Not mine. Yours. I'm glad he has blue eyes, just like yours."

"There's a ninety nine percent chance, his eyes will stay blue since we both have blue eyes. Now, I'm glad you're up since I'd dearly love a shower and you could hold him while I take one."

"Couldn't you just put him in the bassinet?" His voice sounded strained even to him, but he couldn't help it.

"No, if you want him in the bassinet then you put him there. But he'll probably wake up needing to burp. Come on, Oliver. It's been almost two weeks now. You can fight ten men at once with your bare hands but you can't hold your son? Now's, the time. I've about finished feeding him and you're going to hold him."

She smiled and breathing became impossible, for an instant, as he shook his head.

"Soon, I promise, but how about I hold you both right now?"

And he pulled her onto his lap and placed his face against her hair and breathed in her scent, grounding himself, as his heart rate slowed and his stomach settled. Silently, he gave thanks she was alive and sitting in his lap holding their child, Ben, as he tucked his face into her neck.

"The dream still?"

A year ago, he'd have lied to her, brushed it off and kept the terror to himself, but he'd promised not to lie to her and slowly he was accepting he had PTSD. Now some days the dreams were better if he shared with her, if he'd let go of his demons and forced them into the light and it wasn't a lie to say, "Yeah, I'm still a little unsure about real right now and that's why right now isn't the best time to try to hold him."

But he looked away because he knew in his heart that the dream wasn't the entire truth about why he didn't want to hold Ben.

"We're real. Touch me, Oliver. I'm right here with you and just like you I'm a survivor, which means you have no more excuses not to hold him."

Using her pointer finger, she popped her nipple out the sleeping baby's mouth, and he realized how beautiful Felicity looked nursing their child. Effortlessly, she threw what she called a burp clothe over her shoulder then arranged the tiny infant and began to pat his back until he gave a burp that seemed too large for such a small boy.

"I'm exhausted, Oliver. Who knew having a baby made a person this tired? He's growing so fast that he only sleeps a few hours until he's hungry again. My milk is barely keeping up. I feel like he's a little vampire who's draining me dry."

He couldn't suppress his smile. "From what I've read that's normal. Ben will sleep longer as soon as he grows a bigger belly and your body will figure out how much milk to make."

"Awe, I knew you'd be a good daddy. I love that you've been reading about babies and breastfeeding. Who would have ever thought playboy Oliver Queen would know anything about breasts but which models had the largest."

"Felicity, stop, you know I haven't been like that in years. Ben and I both are only interested in your breasts and no one else's." He hugged her tighter to him. "But you don't have to breast feed him you know? If it is too much, you could change to bottles and formula. I'd understand if you wanted to stop. I see how tired you are. I don't want you to get sick."

Leaning into his chest, she tucked her head under his chin, sighed and said, "I'm not getting sick. I'm tired that's all. And, we discussed this and agreed that I should breastfeed at least four to six months. We need to a give him a healthy start, and since I'm healthy I'm sharing my antibodies with him. My milk helps protect him from diseases and infections. And every time he nurses, he helps me get my figure back faster. Breastfeeding is a win, win situation. Did you know that women that breastfeed are less likely to get cancer?"

"I think you've mentioned that before. And yes, that's a plus." His heart had slowed now, and he found himself wanting to smile as she ticked off the facts.

"I know my milk is the best food for him. It's easier for him to digest." He smiled as she patted the baby's back with one hand and talked with the other, ticking facts off on her fingers, with the words, "It's always warm and ready, and he's less likely to have ear infections, diarrhea, pneumonia, wheezing, and bronchitis."

"All good things. I'm glad you want him to have a good start. I do too but not at your health's expense."

And he couldn't suppress his grin but she did that to him. Like always, she was intense about her subject, yet another reason he loved her. In the last months he'd accepted that she was his key to happiness, his key to finally living his life and not just surviving it. But as always the dark whispered in his head that this time in his life was too good to be true, and he'd begun to fixate on how long he had with her, with his son before something or someone took it all away. He couldn't help but think that she'd cheated death and death always came back. His hand fisted and he swallowed hard.

"Oliver, are you listening to me. Where are you?"

She pushed on his chest and he blinked and focused on her. "I'm back. What were you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm beat and it's only been a couple of weeks. How am I going to survive the next month, the next year? Oliver, I need you to help more. Please!"

"I've helped change his diaper; I'd say that's helping."

"Once, and all you've done is wet not poopy. His poop is yellow, Oliver. Yellow or sometimes almost green. It's disgusting. Now, poop aside, I honestly need you to pull your weight around here. You need to come home in the evenings and be with your family. I miss you. We miss you."

He wanted to groan. Oh, how she pulled at his heart strings, without even trying, and he was trying hard not to lie to her, making him select his words carefully. "You know I'm setting up that new task force right now, it takes a lot of time and energy."

"You could put it off, Oliver. The city wouldn't melt down if you spent a little more time at home. We just had a baby. I swear you're pulling away from me. What is going on with you?"

"I'm busy, Felicity, I mean I'm doing the laundry, doing major laundry since this little guy somehow makes a big mess. I'm also doing the shopping, the cooking, the dishes and cleaning the house. And I can't believe all the baby stuff Ben has that needs washed too. And I'm still mayor you know. Finally, I'm fighting crime in the light with that new task force we've started. I'm doing everything I can to keep everyone safe. I'd say I'm more than pulling my weight."

"I know you're doing a lot but you're also avoiding holding him, Oliver. Do you think I haven't noticed that you have yet to hold your son? He's about to be two weeks old and you have not held him, not once. I need you to help me more, hands on the baby more. I've started pumping milk, and you are going to feed him a bottle the next time he's hungry."

"Wait a minute."

"No, waiting is over and let me tell you that no matter what time it is, or how much Ben's screaming, you can't microwave my milk to warm it up."

"No?"

"NO, microwaving causes hot spots, breaks the milk down, and can cause toxicity, can produce molecular changes in the amino acids in milk proteins. . ."

"Felicity, stop. I understand, no microwaving."

"Let me finish since you need to understand microwaving can affect the nutritional value of the milk, and Ben needs the nutrition. But, we got a bottle warmer from the baby shower. I'll show you how to use it and remember you have to hold him when you feed him. We will have absolutely no bottle propping for our son. I catch you propping and you'll be in serious trouble. Ben needs to know we love him, needs to be held when you feed him."'

"I promise. No propping. Scouts honor."

"Why don't I believe you were ever a boy scout?"

"Would Green Arrow's honor make you feel better?"

"Did you just make a joke?" She tipped her blonde head, and he couldn't stop his lips from twitching and turning upward.

"Guess not since you had to ask," he said with a true grin.

She eyed him strangely and he had a feeling smiling at her wasn't the way to go at this moment, as she added, "We're going to make him feel secure by touching him and holding him, but I'm more than ready to let you help with the middle of the night feedings or during the day too. Oliver, I need to sleep a little more. And it's not like you sleep a lot anyway."

With a move, he should have been proud of but wasn't, she unexpectedly rolled off his lap and deposited their baby straight into his empty lap and stepped back with the words, "Don't drop him."

"Felicity, wait. I can't." His stomach rolled over as he pulled his infant son into his bare chest, making sure he didn't drop him.

"YES, you can. Support his neck, Oliver, with the crook of your arm. That's it." She guided him with her soft, gentle hands and placed the burp clothe over his bare shoulder, with the words, "He spits up sometimes. He pukes sometimes too."

"Great? What if he pukes on me and I drop him?"

"Then he'll cry and I probably will too, so don't drop him. And you'll need a shower."

Her smile warmed him as she leaned in and softly kissed his cheek. And his heart rate sped up when she said, "Please don't drop him because you know that then I WILL CRY."

"Geez, it's not like I plan to drop him. But, he weights nothing. I thought he'd be heavier."

"Trust me; he's heavy after you hold him a while. Now, I'm going to take a shower and then we're going to have sex and make another one."

"Are you trying to give me nightmares? And since the doctor told me to wait at least six weeks and then use protection, we'll be waiting at least another month. But believe me I want you."

"Joking, spoil sport. I knew you'd say no." But she leaned in and gave him a hot kiss before she broke the contact and flipped her blonde hair as she walked away from him.

"Not funny, but wait, Felicity, what if he cries?"

"Then he probably needs to burp again. My milk seems to flood him when it comes down, and I've noticed he gulps air."

"I've read that if that's a problem you should lay down to feed him. You've heard of gravity, right? And your breast size has. . ." he hesitated before he said, "well I'll just say your breasts have increased lately. Not that me or Ben mind at all. As a matter of fact, I kind of like it."

And he smiled at her.

She looked over her glasses at him, glared at him with the words, "You better wipe that goofy grin off your face right now. What is it with guys and big breasts? If guys had to carry big breasts around they'd hate big breasts."

"I plead the fifth."

"Probably a good choice and heaven's knows I'd love to lie down to feed him, but I'd fall asleep and end up drained on one side and too full on the other side, and what if I rolled over and squished him? Or he fell off the bed or got down under the pillows while I was asleep. Geez, I could kill him, Oliver. I can barely keep my eyes open when I feed him now. No way am I doing that."

"Calm down, Felicity, it was only a suggestion. Maybe you could try it when you're not this tired. But the question is what do I do if he cries?"

"For now, if he fusses, just put him on your shoulder and pat his back until he gives up that bubble. You can do this. Just keep patting. And remember, he's like his daddy, he likes skin to skin contact."

"Felicity? Wait."

She waved at him, as she walked away, with the words, "Shoulder, better yet, lay him on your chest. He's used to the sound of my heartbeat, remember it calms him down. Pat his back. You helped make him, Oliver. You can help take care of him."

And then she walked away, leaving him alone with this tiny infant of a son, the small child she'd almost died for, and he still wasn't sure he wanted to hold. And this child, his tiny son scared him to death.

Yet, he realized that his child's skin felt beyond soft beneath his callused fingertips as he touched him, and Ben, yes, he'd begun to think of him as Ben, had begun to think of him as a person, and he knew from what he'd read, Ben would soon start cooing, would soon start trying to communicate with them, and would start using vowels on his way to speaking and learning to use language.

But right now his son smelled of baby, of sweet powders and a scent that belonged to him, to only his son, and luckily, he didn't smell poopy. And yes, he'd done a lot of reading about babies. He wanted to be informed, wanted to know.

Without warning, Ben waved his tiny arms and then his child reached out and wrapped his miniature grasping hand around his pointer finger, his baby's grip tight and strong for such a small being. His stomach plummeted as Oliver couldn't help but inspect his little son, their tiny being who'd mixed their blood and their love and who would always connect them. But now he found himself responsible for this new life, for his son, this tiny baby who fit perfectly into his large hands.

"Hey, Ben. I'm your dad. Weird but true."

The words sounded foreign, even to him and his baby blinked and seemed to focus on his face.

"Ben, your mom and I, we created you in love, and she insisted I name you."

The baby blinked again, and he swore his baby tried to focus on his face and something deep within him sparked.

"I'm going to share something with you, Ben. I'm scared of being a father, a dad. I don't know what to do with you."

The child pulled his finger toward his mouth and sucked his finger, then gave a dissatisfied cry.

"No, don't do that. Ben. Please, no, don't cry." He shook his head.

But that didn't stop his baby.

Ben screwed his face up and gave a large wail, sounding like someone'd tried to kill him.

His heart pounded like it would burst out of his chest. Carefully, he pulled the baby back as his son's face became redder and redder as he cried out.

"Felicity?" He yelled. "A little help here."

No answer.

Feeling helpless, completely overwhelmed by someone who weighed in at less than ten pounds, he carefully flipped screaming, red faced Ben up against his chest, placing his baby's ear against his heart as began to carefully pat and say, "Shh . . . it's okay. Don't cry. Give me a break and don't cry."

Ben hiccupped a couple of times and then slowly settled down, calming.

"Shh . . . I've got you. I'm your father, your daddy, your dad and I'll look out for you always. But don't cry."

The infant gave a large burp and then settled solidly, almost boneless, against his chest, and he felt the emotions inside him implode.

Oh, heaven help him, this small being, this tiny person belonged to him, and Felicity and he'd created him. The thought blew his mind.

Cautiously, his large hand leisurely swept his son's fuzzy soft head.

Unable to help himself, his eyes leaked, and he couldn't stop the tears. No, he let his eyes weep, as he touched every part of his son.

With precision, he inspected every finger, every toe and every bit of his son's soft skin that wasn't covered in a diaper until he finally managed to get back under control and just breathe and live in the moment as he patted Ben's soft back.

"Oliver? You doing okay?"

She stood in the doorway and looked hard at him as she looked fresh from her bath.

"Yes, I'm good. Want to come here?" He scrubbed his face with his hand.

Crossing the room, she sat down beside him.

"Did he cry?" Her hand swept his face, touching his mole gently. "I hurried."

"Thank you. He cried a little bit. But then he burped again, a massive burp. He's good right now I think. But you didn't have to hurry, we were doing awesome."

"Yes, I did. I was worried. But, you're going to make an wonderful daddy."

"And you're already an awesome mommy. I see how well you do with him."

His hand reached out and encircled her waist and pulled her toward him.

"Don't. My hair's wet. It will be cold."

"I don't care. I've been wet before. And I've been cold more times than I can count. Your cold hair doesn't bother me at all."

And he shut his eyes and sighed as she laid her cold wet blonde head against his broad chest, next to his son's and his stomach contracted tightly when he felt her link her small fingers with his large ones on top of their child's bare back.

Softly, she rubbed the outside of his pinky with her thumb, and he exhaled, loving the touch of her skin. A lump developed in his throat, and he had a hard time reining his foolish emotions in but he tried.

"I like his name, Oliver. Benjamin Jeffery Queen. I love the sound of it."

"So do I. And I love you and thank you for all you went through to give me a son."

"You're welcome but why did you name him Benjamin? Come on tell me."

She snuggled into his chest, and he kissed the top of her wet head and wondered if he would ever be this happy ever again.

"Was he someone you knew in your past? Someone you never talked about?"

"No, but, I almost named him Mike after an old friend, after a man who saved me countless times and is one of the main reasons I'm still here today. I also considered Robert to honor my father and Tommy, my dear friend, but I decided I didn't want to honor the dead. No, instead, I'd rather honor the living, that I'd rather honor you."

"Me? How? The only Benjamin I know is Benjamin Franklin, great guy to name him after but I'm not seeing you as a great fan of the one of our Founding Fathers of the United States, even thought he was a diplomat, a printer, a well-known author, a politician, a scientist."

"Felicity, did I asked for a history lesson?"

"No, but let me finish. He was also an inventor, and statesman."

She pushed her glasses up on her nose, tilted her head up to look at him and ask, "Did you know he invented bifocals in 1784, just think about that year. It was 1784! He did all that and more. We would be lucky to have a son like him."

He laughed because he couldn't help it before he said, "And I wish our son would be just one of those things, but no, I chose his name because it means from the right hand. Believe me, Felicity, you're my right hand, and you always will be, and he comes from you."

"Awe, I love that, Oliver, and it seems we're thinking along the same lines. Do you know why I named him Jeffery?"

"No, why?"

His eyes found hers and they connected.

"It means gift of peace, and that's what I want for you, for us. I want you to finally have peace in your life. I want this child to bring you peace for the first time in your life, at least until he's a teenager and then he can call you old man. Now I can barely keep my eyes open. Can you put him to bed in his room, and come lay down with me? Hold me?"

"You're going to bed with wet hair? You'll regret that." He gave her a half smile.

"I'm too tired to care anymore. But, Oliver, remember to lay him on his belly, not his back, it helps keep the SID's away. Please, I don't think I could stand to get up to find him gone."

"No parent would ever want that."

He reached and smoothed her cheek and for an instant, she leaned into his hand.

"NO, not ever, just make sure his head is turn to one side, and make sure he can breathe. He doesn't have good neck control yet. But, cover him up, tuck his blanket around him, because he likes the covers tight around him. It reminds him of the womb. And don't forget he likes the green blanket."

"And he's told you this?"

"Okay, maybe it's me that likes the green blanket since it matches the arrows on his bed. Come on, I'm tired. And no pillows or stuffed animals in the bed with him, daddy. Choking hazards."

"Are you sure you want me to put him to bed? I think I'll forget something, Felicity."

"You can do it. I trust you to keep him safe."

Like his child was made of fragile crystal, he managed to get up off the couch, and somehow without waking the tiny infant carry him up the stairs and lay him down in his crib with the tiny personalized painted arrows.

Slowly, he traced his rough fingertip across his son's smooth cheek, with the quiet words, "You've got a wonderful mommy, Ben. She saved me from myself. She's fought for me, and she's literally pulled me back from the edge of darkness when I wanted to step into the blackness. She's my right hand, forever and always. And I would have died countless times without her. Believe me when I say, she's my love, my hope and my light that keeps me on the right path. And she forgives my sins and can see the real me, the man that wants to do what is right, wants to do good."

His son stirred and he reached and patted his back three times and the child settled down.

"That's my boy. Remember I patted your mommy's belly just like that? And then I talked to you. Well, I just want you to know I'm sorry I haven't held you these first days of your life, but I couldn't force myself to do it. I'm not good at being a dad. Just ask your big brother William, since one reason or another, I've missed the first eight years of his life, and now, I'm going to miss his entire childhood. But you need to understand that I had to send him away to keep him safe. Now, I swear that's not going to happen to you because I'd have to send your Mommy away too. And I won't let that happen. I swear on both your lives."

The tiny child stuck his thumb in his mouth and began to suck and against his will, the corners of his mouth turned up. "Ben you're a thumb sucker. Did you know that you're Aunt Thea sucked her thumb when she was a baby? You two have something in common."

Sighing deeply, he wrapped his arms around himself before he went on. "Now I know you're too little to understand but your mommy owns what's left of my black heart. And I blame myself that she almost died, because I was too busy looking at you, treasuring you, and I lost my focus and didn't see the danger she was in until it was almost too late."

His hand swept his son's skin before he said, "And I know it wasn't your fault, that you didn't asked to be born or mean to make her sick, and I know your mommy would be disappointed in me if she knew that I'm afraid to love you, that I'm afraid I won't be able to keep you both safe."

He had to force the words out, "And I am, Ben, just between you and me, I'm afraid I'll either lose you both or have to send you both away like William. I'm afraid of going back to being alone. Death always finds me. Darkness always comes for me, and that's the reason I didn't want to hold you and get too attached, because I knew if I did, I'd love you and it'd destroy me when I have to let you go. And I find I want a future with you and your mommy, and I'm terrified I won't get it. I keep wondering how much time I have left with both of you, and I've been pulling back, distancing myself."

He tucked the covers tightly around his child and the baby sighed and snuggled deeper into sleep.

"Then tonight she tells me you're my special gift of peace from her, and dumps you in my lap and it changed everything. Dig was right. Holding you changes everything. And your mommy's right. I've been working extra hours, staying away and staying busy and putting distance between us. But I can't help but love you my son. I tried not to but I do. And I love your mommy, even if she stubbornly never agrees to marry me, and I'll love you both no matter what. But now maybe you could give mommy a break and let her sleep at least a couple hours. She's getting dark circles under her eyes, and she's really tired. Night, Ben."

For an instant, he watched the tiny infant sleep, then he turned and left the door open, insuring he could hear the baby if he cried.

Opening the bedroom door, he found her sitting up in the bed hugging a pillow and sobbing.

"Hey, what is going on? Are you in pain?" Moving quickly, he engulfed her in his arms, pulling her to him. "Shh, what's the matter? What happened? Where does it hurt? Tell ME."

She pointed to her chest and said, "You're breaking my heart and these darn hormones are killing me. I didn't know you were blaming yourself because I almost died, though I should have known, Oliver. I honestly thought you were afraid of him because he's small. I didn't know you were trying not to love him."

"His size does intimate me but how did you know?" His stomach plummeted violently and his chest ached as he literally felt the blood drain out of his face when she pointed to small white box that looked like a walkie talkie.

"Your sister dropped off a baby monitor today. It makes sure I can hear him even if I'm upstairs or downstairs."

"You heard me?"

"Every word. I should have known you would make me almost dying somehow your fault and that you think you don't have a future with us."

"Look, Felicity I . . .didn't . . ." What could he say that would repair this?

"Lying to me right now would be a huge mistake."

He shut his eyes and exhaled sharply the pain stabbing his heart, ripping his heart out with sharp claws.

"I didn't know you were listening." His knees were going weak on him and he had to sit down on the bed beside her.

But she pushed away him from him, with the angry words, "What you'd have done with him if I'd have died, Oliver? Would you put Ben up for adoption? Or just walked away from him? What would you have done with my baby, with OUR baby, Oliver? Would you have given him away and went somewhere to self-destruct?"

Her words were clipped, precise and her tears ran tracks down her face and made his heart hurt.

"NO. Alright, I don't know but I've thought about it a lot lately, since the what if's have been killing me."

"The what ifs?"

His hands twitched, and he fisted them to still the motion.

"What if I hadn't heard you say you were cold? What if I'd slept on? What if I woke up to find you'd bled to dead? And what if I had to raise Ben alone? What if I couldn't handle it?"

"Thea and our friends would have helped you."

She sobbed and his words became earnest. "I know Thea would have stepped up and helped me take care of him. She'd of helped me raise him because there would never be another you."

"You don't know that. You could have found someone else."

"NO, I don't believe that. I don't want someone else. I want you! And you're right I'd have wanted to run, but I'd have stayed and raised him. I promise. I'd have stayed."

"You've run before."

"Not if you'd have died. Ben would be all I'd left of you, and even though it would have hurt me to look at your eyes, since he has your awesome blue eyes, I'd have honored you and stuck it out and raised him."

Reaching, he tipped her chin up and found her tearful blue eyes before he said softly, "And every day, I'd have told him how much I loved his mother, about how grateful I was for the way she'd made my life worth living. And I'd tell him how much I missed her, and how he was the only baby I'd ever held in my life, and I'd stand by him because that would be what his mommy would expect from me."

And she just cried harder as she said, "I don't know if I believe you. I think you would have left him, would have ran."

"NO, I don't believe that. But you're right I'd have wanted to run, but I'd have stayed and raised him. I promise. I'd have stayed. Believe me. I haven't lied to you in months. Please, Felicity, this is a better or worse moment here and it's been a hard couple of weeks for us. Believe me when I say, I swear I'm trying my very best to love him. He's a special wonderful gift, and I know that. You know I'm not good with words and I'm trying my best here to say what I'm feeling. But I admit this daddy thing scares the hell out of me."

"I wish I could believe you." She sniffed and wiped her face with her hands.

"You can. Felicity, I can prove it to you. Remember when I woke up from the nightmare I was looking for him. I wasn't just hollering your name but his too. I was panicked because I couldn't find either of you, and I was looking for both of you. I'd already considered that you'd died but I was still hunting for Ben, for our baby, because I was sure even if you were gone, he should have been here. I would have stayed. I swear it."

"Yes, you were calling his name from the top of the stairs. I remember."

"I was looking for him, Felicity. I swear."

"Marry me, Oliver?" She said through her tears.

He couldn't be hearing right. "What? Am I dreaming? You're asking me to marry you? NOW of all times?"

"I mean it. Not today, of course, but later, when I can fit back into my wedding dress, and Ben can be there too. I love you, Oliver. Come here."

"You're not angry with me?"

"You're right this is a better or worse moment, and we've been through a lot lately. I knew you've been acting like you had a secret, but Ben has taken up so much of my time that I'd ignored it. Oh, course, you blamed yourself since you seem hard wired like that, but it's not your fault, Oliver. Life happens and we survived, and I love you and you love us, me and Ben, and you just proved it to me. You're right you were hollering his name from the top of the stairs, when you didn't know what was real. I believe you would have raised him and loved him. Now I'm sure that you are in this relationship for better or worse, and there is truly an us. Right?"

He rushed to engulf her with his body, to pull her close. "Always! Yes, there's an us. And now there are three of us."

"Geez, but these hormones are killing me. I cry at everything. But, Oliver, the main reason I was crying was because you were being a real dad. Real dads and moms don't have all the answers but what they do is keep trying and love their children. I know you worry that something will take us away from you but tomorrow is uncertain and that's just the way it is. Now you'd better hold on because the roller coaster ride has started." A slight watery grin lit her face. "But would you hold me? I need your arms around me to survive this ride."

He couldn't stop his smile as he said, "I'll hold you every chance I get, every hour, every second, and I'm thankful, grateful for you and for my gift, for my son, and for you, Felicity."

Gently, he pulled her close and the baby monitor lit up as Ben whimpered, and Felicity groaned and said, "Does this child ever sleep? Like father like son."

"Felicity, do you want to pay a game?" He pulled back and truly grinned at her.

"A game?"

"It's called tag I'm it. I'm ready to help you by being a member of your tag team, if you're ready to show me how to use a bottle warmer?"

"If you're ready to learn how to feed him? I pumped milk earlier."

Oh, how her smile lit up his world, his entire world.

"And I'm thinking that you're right I need to help you more. We need to do this parenting thing together. I've noted Ben's a lot of work right now, and if we want to raise him right, we have to do this together, you and me. And we both know I have problems sleeping and there's no reason you couldn't sleep and let me get up and feed him."

"I would love to make the four o'clock feeding your turn. But you have to change his diaper too. Don't let Ben stay wet or poopy, or he'll get diaper rash."

"If Dig can change Sara, then I can learn to change Ben. I've survived a lot worse than baby poop. Come on, Felicity, teach me, help me become a good dad. Geez, I swear Ben's just kicked his screaming up a notch?"

Smiling, he took her hand and raised it to his lips, kissing her knuckles.

She grinned broadly and said, "You've haven't hear anything yet. Look out, Ben, here comes team daddy and mommy."

He laughed and she did too as he said, "Yeah, we're partners in parenthood."

"Until death do us part! Though as loud as your son is yelling it may be until deaf do us part." And she covered her ears as Ben shrieked, and she smiled her light filled smile at him with the words, "Come on, I can't believe he's hungry this soon. Oh, how he's growing."

"Does this child have any patience?"

"Not yet it seems. Reminds me of his father." She batted her eyes at him and tilted her blonde head, with a grin.

"Come on let's go feed him before he explodes. He sounds really mad." He reached out his hand and she took his hand as he said quietly, "You just don't understand how much I love you, Felicity. I'm glad you're here with me."

"Ditto, Oliver, now and always for as many days as we get. Now come on let's ride life's ride. Our son's calling, loudly. And if I'm lucky he's pooped and just think you can change him."

And once again, she made him smile against his will and the joy in his heart made him almost light headed, and with her beside him, he was beyond happy and ready to embrace his future, this thing called fatherhood, yellow or green colored poop and all.

#####OQ#####

Not the end but the beginning of our wonderful Olicity. But the end of this story.

Shh . . . Ben is sleeping.

#####OQ#####

I hope you enjoyed this short story. I know I have.

As always thanks for the read. Now off to write an update to the "Normal" adventure.

Question did you love this story or hate it? Did I make you laugh or cry? Did I make you think? I hope I have, so please if you have time, drop me a line.