A/N: This story uses the unreliable narrator trope, meaning that Link and Zelda are retelling the events of this story after the fact. You should expect their memory at times to be a little...shall we say, shoddy...and that they will embellish or alter some details for comedic effect. This basically follows the plot of OoT although without the time travel or other things that wouldn't have made the transition to a Western backdrop well.

Chapter 1 – The new guy in town

"It was high noon in Hyrule territory when I rode into the sleepy frontier community known as Cattle Town," recounted our perennial protagonist, Link. "True to it's name, there was a lot of cattle around—I wouldn't doubt the cattle outnumbered the people around these parts."

"You would be right about that," quipped Zelda, everyone's fave damsel (currently not) in distress.

"I was parched from the long journey through the outlying plains and needed to find a watering hole pronto," Link continued. "So I nudged my trusty steed on over to the first reputable-looking business I spotted—I believe it was called the Milk Bar. Now, I thought this was just some cutsy-pie name bestowed upon it by an owner looking to be overly creative with the establishment's moniker, but no, they really did serve nothing but milk there. I guess it has something to do with the game's rating and Nintendo being a family-friendly company or something. Of all the strange coincidences, a rabbi and a priest walked in at the same time as me. Strange as it was, I wasn't about to make a joke of it. Anyway, the first thing I noticed upon entering the bar was the red-headed beauty behind the counter who was—"

"Link!" Zelda cried out, crossing her arms out of indignation. She glared at him so intently it seemed she would burn a hole through him.

"Oops...uh...yeah..." Link stuttered while scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "But this was before I met you, Zelda! Her beauty doesn't even compare to yours, of course," he said smoothly. This only appeared to settle her down a little so he figured he better hurry up and get on with the story. "So yeah, I walked over to this not-at-all very attractive barkeep wearing a not-in-the-least really cute dress and asked her for a tall glass of Lon Lon's finest, on the rocks. She gladly obliged me, shooting me a smile. However, I had to assume it was her first day on the job, as she literally served my drink on some rocks—what did I look like to her, a Goron?!" Link indicated his outrage with some overly emphatic hand gestures. "Then she leaned her elbow on the bar and proceeded to introduce herself in a not-in-the-slightest super-adorable country drawl as my new girlfriend."

"There you go again!" Zelda shouted.

"I mean Malon. She said her name was Malon. What? That's what I said, wasn't it?" The grimace of anger on Zelda's face was the only clue he really needed to answer his inquiry. "So anyway, she asked me, 'What's a tall, dark and handsome fella like you doin' in a joint like this?'"

Zelda became even more ticked off after hearing this, clenching her fist and muttering, "Why, that little..." It was probably a good thing Link couldn't hear the rest of what she said.

"Don't fret, Zelda. The author of this fanfic only pairs us two together. Probably because of that whole 'destined to meet in all of our lifetimes' thing, y'know? That comes off as pretty romantic to a lot of people. Makes any other pairing just kinda pale in comparison, hehe. So you have nothing at all to worry about," he assured her, slapping her back amiably.

Zelda's cheeks immediately went red. "Whuh—what are you talking about? Puh—pairing? I...I'm not...I wasn't...!"

"Yeah...sure..." Link monotoned sarcastically. "So I told Malon, 'I just came to town as the new sheriff and yes I realize that this is the way that almost every Western on the Goddess' green earth starts but hell, it's a good way to start and I'm sticking with it.' Malon laughed a bit at this, eyed me carefully and said, 'From the look of ya, I'd say Hyrule might've finally got itself a sheriff with the cojones needed to take care of business.' I wasn't real sure what she was referring to, but I decided not to question her on it—being a foreigner at the time, I figured it was something only a local would understand, and I didn't want to out myself as a stranger any more than it must have already been apparent. After all, I did show up in town sporting what is essentially a green dress and night cap, earning me quite a number of sideways glances from the local townsfolk."

"And where you come from, a green dress and night cap is considered normal fashion for a guy?"

"It's a tunic actually, and I'll have you know that it allows for very unrestricted movement. You think I could do all those fancy backflips in baggy pants? There's a reason gymnasts wear those leotards, you know."

"Hmm...good point," Zelda conceded.

"So the next time someone is thinking about making another lame joke about my tunic, which is totally not a skirt or dress, he should first consider how I will be slicing and dicing him quicker and easier than a late-night infomercial appliance while he's still floundering in his stiff, chafing or otherwise movement-impairing clothing. As for the hat, I just wear it because I love how it laughs in the face of physics by managing to stay on my head at that angle no matter how much wind I'm in."

"I always just thought you glued the hat on your head. Either that, or you wear a wig and the hat simply comes attached to it."

Link was outraged by the accusation. "Girl, I'll have you know that this immaculate hair is 100% all me. You must be jealous with a capital J!" He did his best impression of a spoiled diva, wagging his index finger in a sassy way and feigning an over-the shoulder hair toss. "Anyway, to get back on topic, I asked Malon, 'You know where I might find a gal that goes by the name of Zelda 'round these parts?' And she says to me, 'Sure do—Zelda's the name of the governor's daughter. But I don't see why a lady of such wealth and stature would take an interest in some commoner like you, no matter how handsome you may be.' I cleverly responded by asking Malon if she had any idea how many shippers have already written about me and Zelda getting it on in our past lives but it seemed she didn't quite catch my drift."

"Wait—what was that?" Zelda had been checking out her nails absentmindedly but now her eyebrow was raised curiousity.

"Oh, nothing...nothing at all," he said casually, looking around smugly. "So I told her that I had recently received a telegram saying something like, 'Help me, Link Kenobi, you're my only hope.'

"That's not what it said!" Zelda protested vehemently.

"Oh, yeah...um, OK...it actually said 'Dear Link, please come to the castle, I've baked a cake for you.'

"That's not what it said either! Quit messing around!" She hit the back of his head comically with one of those Asian folding fans.

"OK, OK, so I don't remember exactly what it said per se, but I do remember that there was something about you having some important information to share with me and that you needed to see me in person 'ASAP.' I wasn't sure what that meant in the local parlance buuuuut it sounded pretty urgent. An ironically-timed rimshot came suddenly from a band that was setting up their instruments on the bar's stage. According to the name on the drum kit, they were known as the Indigo-gos. I know what you're thinking, but they did not name themselves after that website that's like the crappy version of Kickstarter. At that point, I bid Malon adieu as I finished up my glass of milk and headed out of the bar and back to my horse. I unhitched Navi from the post outside and started to..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses!" Zelda implored, pun fully intended. "Your horse's name is Epona, remember?"

"Epona? Never heard that name in my life," Link replied. "No, she was definitely called Navi. I know that since the author of this fanfic thought it would be funny to name the horse Navi since that would ensure that she wouldn't be able to annoy me with all her incessant yapping about, 'Hey, look, listen!' I mean, the most annoying thing a horse could do would be to say, "Neigh" any time I asked a yes or no question since...well...you know. Anyway, the telegram told me to go to the fort not far from town, strangely known as 'The Castle' by all the locals, so I pointed my steed in that direction and was there in a jiffy."

"Yeah, right!" Zelda interjected. "I told you to meet me at 2 pm but you didn't come until 8! What was so important that it took you so long to come see me? You weren't screwing around at the shooting range, were you?"

"Me? Shooting range? Uh...why, no...never!" Link said, sweatdropping bullets.

"But that ammo belt you're wearing clearly says 'Hyrule Shooting Range,'" she said, pointing at his belt.

"Oh...this old thing? Ha, ha, I never...uh...never noticed that." He glanced around nervously, clearing his throat several times. He decided he needed to change the topic immediately. "So, uh...ahem...when I got to The Castle, I didn't exactly get a warm welcome. I had no idea there would be so many guards and, despite being the new sheriff, no one would let me pass, even when I showed them your telegram. I think they must have watched the Lord of the Rings too many times because they looked like they were having fun as they dramatically recited the words, 'You shall not pass!' I really didn't want to do what I ended up doing since I'm the new sheriff and all, but I decided I would have to sneak past the guards after entering through a hole in the wall near a narcoleptic guy who was a dead ringer for Mario."

"How is Mario these days, anyway?"

"I won't lie, Zelda. It's been tough for him ever since Donkey Kong took the kids and left. He's just taking each day as it comes."

A single tear fell down Zelda's face. "What a trooper," she said with admiration. "Here's to hoping that he will one day find his happiness instead of being told it's in another castle." Returning to plot-exposition mode, Zelda said, "I pray the guards did not give you much trouble?"

Link found this so side-splittingly hilarious that he laughed until he was snorting. "Hahaha! Of course not! What did you think this was, a Metal Gear game? Your guards are soooo dumb, always staying on predetermined paths like they're in some easy-peasy, all-ages video game or something."

"That's my stupid dad for ya. He keeps me super-sheltered...doesn't want me to have hardly any contact with the outside world. As the governor, he's dealt with more than his share of hoodlums and riff-raff and he assumes that those are the only types of people I would ever meet if I was allowed to get outside The Castle's walls. You have no idea how many hoops I had to jump through before I could get that telegram sent out to you."

"Wow, that really sucks," Link eloquently commented. "Kinda glad I'm an orphan after hearing that. You know, people think it must be really sad being an orphan, but after hearing about some people's dysfunctional families, it's not all that bad in comparison. Call it the Lion King effect, if you will. By the way, did you know Simba and Nala were most definitely half-siblings?"

"Seriously? Eww...How do you know that?"

"Because—here's a nature lesson for ya—when a male lion takes over a pride of lionesses from another male lion, it always kills all the existing cubs before mating with the females. Thus, all the cubs in a pride at any given time are guaranteed to be related."

"Ugh. Disney movies were a lot better before people starting analyzing them to death and revealing all the gross and depressing stuff about them."

Link chuckled. "You can say that again! Anyway, after sailing past the guards, I sauntered into your little meadow thing in the middle of The Castle although I have no idea why I'm telling you this since you were, y'know, there and everything, but anyway, that's when I saw it—the most beautiful creature ever to grace the face of this earth."

"Ah, Link, that's so sweet of you," Zelda swooned, genuinely touched.

"Oh, um, yeah...that...that's totally what I meant." He had actually been thinking of this really colorful butterfly he had seen landing on a flower near the entrance but his lips were sealed. Zelda gave him a weird look but luckily didn't seem to catch on. "So anyway," Link continued, "I'll never forget what you said to me when I saw you that day...but that revelation will have to wait till the next chapter—tee-hee!"

A/N: What was this unforgettable thing Zelda said? Can a bar really be financially viable if it only serves milk? Will someone please explain why I'm even writing this thing?! Find out in the next exhilarting episode of H2W2...maybe...