Lesson 19: "If 'Sorry' Was Enough, We Wouldn't Have Seppuku." Shimura Tae

Urrg…. oww…..my head… I had one drink too many...

What the hell happened yesterday after that…?

Crap, I can't remember.

…

More like….

With a hand to his forehead, Hijikata sat up, noticing something along the way.

Why am I… naked?

This is….

His blood turned to ice in his veins when he suddenly realized that he was not alone in the futon. There was someone under the covers next to him.

H-hold on… T-this can't be for real…

W-wait… S-seriously?

Could I have…

L-let's just recap here for a moment. What's the last thing I remember?

That's right... The Yorozuya had come over to the barracks the night before with the purpose of helping him figure out what had happened that dreadful night at the hotel. Hijikata vaguelly recalled a great deal of politeness and awkwardness as they settled down for dinner. He also remembered a hell of a lot of sake.

Holly fuck…

Wait! Had they ended up in square one all over again? Did they… did they…?

"No friggin' way!" He swore aloud.

Suddenly the sheet next to him moved.

He turned panicked eyes to it as dread spread all over his body.

What the fuck was I thinking inviting that rotten gambler over?

The sharp knives of shame and regret stabbed him mercilessly.

A yawn came from under the covers.

Hijikata swallowed hard and very reluctantly extended a hand to remove the sheet covering his companion.

He pulled the fabric slowly.

No, no, no, no, no…

A pinky digging up a nose.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

An unimpressed expression.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Oi, cigarette-stinking mouth. I'm trying to sleep here, aru."

…

…

Aru?

Hijikata felt like the floor had opened under his feet and he was precipitating into the darkness of hell.

There is a teenage girl in my bed.

His head was spinning so fast he was feeling sick.

There is a teenage girl in my bed.

Before he could form any coherent thought, the door to his room sprung open to reveal an overly scandalized Okita Sougo.

"Hijikata-san! What have you done!?" He exclaimed ominously pointing an accusatory finger at the bewildered man. "Your mum is surely crying tears of blood in the afterlife."

"You can't just barge into the vice commander's room like that Okita-san. Sorry, Fuku-" Yamazaki appeared right behind him but stopped mid-sentence at the sight. "W-what's going on here?"

For some uncomprehensible reason, one by one, all of the Shinsengumi members started appearing at his doorstep only to display all the facial features compatible with feelings of outrage and disgust.

Hijikata could only watch frozen in place while his own men pointed out the inappropriateness of the situation and the shamefulness of the perpetrated act.

The only way this situation could get worse was if…

"Toshi...? What's the meaning of this?"

"K-kondo-san…" Were the only words he could utter before his soul left him with his final exhale.

"Kagura-chan! I finally found you!" At some point an agitated pair of glasses had stormed into the scene, making his way through the wall of disapproving Shinsengumi officers. "What have we told you about going off with the first person that gives you free food?"

"But he said I could have nabe! You know how much I need my nabe right now, Shinpachi!?"

"I keep telling you, brat." Hijikata heard the Yorozuya's voice as if coming from somewhere very far away. "Despite what that restaurant's advert says, nabe is not indispensable for survival." And after a brief pause he added: "So this is where you were."

Half of Hijikata's mouth and brain twitched in a humourless grimace. He stood up slowly and went to open the wardrove amidst a weird mixture of scandalized and appreciative gasps.

"Don't bother, Mayora." Said Kagura, majorly disinterested. "Gin-san has tried that many times. You won't find a time machine in there."

That elicited no reaction from the devastated man, who was bringing a big box out of the wardrove.

"Oi, Sadist, where's my nabe? You promised that if I…"

"Shut it, gluton, you're going to ruin everything."

"No need to worry, sadist boy. Hijikata-kun's no longer with us. He's on give up mode, the coward." Gintoki informed.

What Hijikata extracted from the box was his white sepukku outfit, which he proceded to wear. He then grabbed his katana and kneeled on the floor.

"Toshi!"

"Fukuchou!"

"Hijikata-san, don't!"

"If I had known it were so easy, I would have done this ages ago."

"Things could have been so different, Sugar-bogger."

"Where's my nabe?"

~~~ THE (real) END ~~~

Rolling credits

An original idea from: oruoD

Based on the universe and characters of: Sorachi Hideaki

Beta readers: Chapters 1-8: Sorcerousfang; Chapters 9-19: Accepting applications.

Production: oruoD

Direction: oruoD

Costume and set designer: oruoD

Script: oruoD

Content supervision: oruoD

Content's self-indulgence: oruoD

Camera effects provided by: your imagination

Sound effects provided by: your imagination

Perverted expectations provided by: yes, your imagination too.

"Ahh.. speaking of which…" Gintoki said approaching a defeated Hijikata. "I guess I'll have to give this back," he said, and dropped the envelope that the Shinsengumi had delivered that morning on the floor in front of him.

Hijikata's eyes opened in helpless perplexity. He couldn't believe what was happening.

"You're kidding..." He whispered.

"I'm sorry…"

Hijikata's astonished eyes looked up at Gintoki's face, which was contorting in an agitated grimace.

"Hah.. I guess it's my own fault…" He changed quickly from despair to anger. "Serves me right for trusting the rotten Shiroyasha."

Gintoki clenched his free fist.

"Once Joui scum, always so." The Shinsengumi chuckled bitterly, "Bastards without bushido!"

Gintoki visibly winced. Getting his reputation smeared was not part of the deal.

"Why should I care what a rotten officer thinks of me?" The silver-haired samurai pronounced through gritted teeth.

"You tell me, Mr. White Knuckles..." Hijikata spat.

Gintoki looked sideways visibly altered as he lifted the katana. Hijikata reacted violently.

"You're a fucking disgrace! At least look me in the fucking eye if you are gonna have the guts to kill me in cold blood, fucking bastard!" He yelled at the top of his lungs full of revulsion and contempt.

"It's not like that, OK?" retorted Gintoki weakly "It's just work. It's not… it's not us... we're…"

"Work? You ass! Does that give you an excuse to betray like a rat? To betray…?"

"To betray what, Hijikata?" Snapped Gintoki angrily, fully facing the Shinsengumi now, finally fed up with being insulted. "What's there to betray? For is all you can do not to spit on the floor every time you see me! What is that? What is it? Are we buddies? Are we...?

"Do I really have to say it out loud, you stupid Perm! Is scaring your stalker away not a clear enough message?"

Gintoki halted.

"W-what are you saying…?"

"Look… Damn… Fuck! When we woke up in that hotel… and well, last night in the club when you…"

"Shut the fuck up! What the hell are you even saying at a time like this? Are you… trying to trick me?" Gintoki asked agitated. "If you are, it's not funny!"

"Look, if I am going to die today, at least allow me to be honest about my feelings. I've made this mistake before…" Hijikata looked down unable to stand Gintoki's stare.

Gintoki defeated lowered the arm with the katana, which fell to the floor with a loud clatter. He dropped heavily to his knees in front of the handcuffed Hijikata.

"You…"

He leaned forward and touched his forehead to Hijkata's.

"I knew you couldn't just fake a kiss like that."

Gintoki held Hijikata's face with both hands and forced the embarrased man to look up at him.

"Shut up." Hijikata whispered, every movement of his lips carefully followed by half-lided red eyes. Their owner issued an even softer "Roger" before leaning in to-

"CUT!" Shouted the director. "Would you guys mind not going off-script?"

Both men chuckled amused.

"Yeah, very funny… Am I the only one who wants to go home to their family tonight?"

"But oruoD-san, we need some good quality bloopers for the fans, they must be so frustrated by now!" Said Shun Oguri with a lopsided smile.

"Everyone! From the top!"

While everyone got back in position, Yûya Yagira approached the director quietly. "oruoD-san, be honest. Am I overdoing it with the eye fucking?"

"You're fine, darling. No one will complain about that." Then she turned around and shouted: "Someone please perm Shun Oguri's hair again!"

[End of blooper 1]

The car was stopped with a loud crash as Kagura pierced through the roof with her umbrella, right where Sougo's head should have been. She then reached through the open window to try and retrieve her precious food from the idiot's mouth.

"Give that b- Hey! What's going on? Where's the sukombu?"

"Do I really have to suck on the very same sukombu stripe as her?" Asked Okita's actor looking extremely disgusted at the salivated and munched piece of seaweed in his hand.

Gintoki and Shinpachi were rolling on the floor in laughter on the other side of the car. Hijikata was smiling around his fake cigarette on the co-pilot seat.

The director didn't even bother answering.

"Once more, from Kagura coming in through the window!"

Ryô Yoshizawa shuddered and braced himself before introducing the disgusting piece of food in his mouth with extreme reluctance.

"And… Action!"

"Give that back, sadistic rat!"

"I found it abandoned in a dumpster, so I claimed it."

Kagura jumped on top of the officer making him almost lay on Hijikata's lap. Then she stopped, looked up at the camera, and winked.

"Wait! What… ? No!"

Holding the young man down with Hijikata's help she started licking his face from chin to eye, cheek to nose and nose to forehead among the general laughter of cast and crew.

"Arg… Gerrooff! Disgusting!" Complained the poor victim who started to feel hands tickling him while he was down.

"Stop, stop! Everyone stop! Ya're all the woooorst!"

"Cut!"

[End of blooper 2]

"Is this your doing, Hijikata-san? Have your puppies been giving grief to Yoshiwara people?"

"You know well the Shinsengumi don't have jurisdiction down here…" Hijikata said. "But perhaps wearing my uniform here isn't ideal."

"I don't think that's the problem somehow…"

Suddenly both men felt an overwhelming killing intent, as half a dozen kunai pierced the air in their direction.

Hijikata jumped out of the way and immediately dug a knee and a hand to the floor for stability while with his other hand he reached for his sword. On top of a building was Yoshiwara's courtesan of death, Tsukuyo, smoking from her fine pipe.

"Owwww, ow owowow!" Gintoki started shouting.

Everyone looked at the silver-haired man howling in pain.

"What's going on?"

"My foot… my foot owww owww!"

Unfortunately, he had been too slow to roll out of the way of the kunai and one of them was stuck on his foot.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Tsukuyo jumped down and approached concerned the little crowd that was starting to gather around the fallen man.

One of the extras that posed as Yoshiwara's guardians, who was a first year at the nursing school, was inspecting the injury.

"Am I going to lose it? Am I?" The fallen man asked with tears in his eyes.

"Stop wailing, big baby," teased Yûya Yagira.

Tsukuyo's actress was blowing air in and out of a paper bag, while some girls tried to confort her.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I can't believe I'll be remembered as the person who crippled Shun Oguri."

"All right, everyone calm down." The crowd made way for the director as she came close to the injured man. "Someone call the medics to wrap that foot up. The rest, back to work!" She turned around searching. "Where's my assistant?"

"Here, Ma'am."

"He's going to need some stitches, I think. But we can't stop the production. Which scene comes next?"

"The strip kabbadi game scene."

"All right, no can do, let's make it a strip UNO game instead, so that Shun-chan is sitting down."

"But we'll need Katsura for that scene, Director-san."

"Crap, it takes like 3 hours to get Katsura's hair ready. Call him and get started on that. In the meantime get Hijikata ready for the flashback scene with Elisabeth. When Shun Oguri's foot is bandaged, we shoot their scene at the Yorozuya. Gin-san's sitting down for most of it. Someone call Sarutobi! Everyone! Chop chop!"

The second assistant director suddenly appeared running.

"oruoD-sensei! We have some problems! The producers called, they think the warehouse scene is too long. We need to get rid off footage."

"Damn… All right, we'll get rid off the sexually charged scene between Tsukuyo and Hijikata, and the Orgy Arc flashback scene."

"The one where they are all naked and covered in oil?"

"That's right. Takasugi is being a pain in the ass for royalties, anyway."

[End of blooper 3]

"Hijikata-sama," said a female voice from the other side of the door. "Hijikata-sama sir, this is the hotel management."

"Hold on a minute, I'm coming!"

Hijikata grabbed the sheet and pulled it around his hips to stand up and go open the door.

"The hell are you doing, shitty Mayora!?"

"Do you want me to open the door naked, you imbecile!?" Said the vice commander as he pulled at the sheet harder.

"Oi, oi…"

When Hijikata grabbed the doorknob, he noticed an absence beside him. When he looked behind, he realized that Gintoki was butt-naked in the middle of the room.

"What the..."

The man was pitifully trying to grab a pillow from the bed to cover his crotch.

"You moron! You pulled too hard, come here!"

Yûya cracked up a laugh. "My bad," he said deeply amused.

"You jackass." Acused the silver-haired man.

"Here." Yûya dropped the edge of the sheet on the floor so that the other actor had to bend down to take it, only to pull it out of his reach when he did, and then whipping the bent man's bottom with it.

Everybody laughed.

"I can't work like this!" Shun Oguri complained.

"CUT! (keep rolling)." Commanded the director to the camera-man.

"Very subtle…" Accused Tsukuyo's actress, who was smoking next to her.

"Shame on you, Director-san," said Otae's actress who was next to Tsukuyo, also smoking.

"Yeah, highly unprofessional," accused Sarutobi's actress appearing next to Otae.

"Look who's talking… None of you have shooting today, why are you even here?" Pointed out the director. They sweatdropped silently watching Shun Oguri finally pick up his end of the sheet and attempt to wrap himself in it.

"We are all here for the same reason, ladies. No need to pretend."

When the girls turned their heads they found that Katsura Kotaro's actor was there, looking with predatory eyes at the two naked idiots getting back into the bed to repeat the scene.

Once they were settled, Shun Oguri pleaded: "Please don't put this in the bloopers, oruoD-san."

"Don't worry, I'll pixelate it."

[End of blooper 4]

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who stuck around to read the whole thing. Hope you guys have enjoyed the ride as much as I did. Take care! xxx