A Talk Worth Having

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There must be a limit to how innocent and naive their team leaders can be can be. There must be. But until it's found...

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Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY.

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"Blake? Can you help me with something?"

It was a sunny day, the perfect sort of reading outside in the shade of Beacon, but Blake looked up from her book none the less. Before her was a familiar team leader- two, actually, as Jaune Arc of the blonde hair stood gave a small wave from behind the more familiar face of Ruby Rose. Ruby's silver eyes were wide, a slightly nervous smile on her face, as an earnest look of apologetic need dominated.

Even though she'd been enjoying her story, Blake didn't mind. Once she might have- preferring the company of books to that of her team- but they weren't just her team. They were friends, and ever since the incident with the docks she had resolved to try and be a better one in turn. To be as honest with them as they were her.

Blake put down the book, taking care to hide the title and nature of her literature from those earnest, innocent silver eyes, and gave Ruby a smile. Honesty was the best policy, after all.

"Certainly, Ruby" Blake agreed, willing to do her part. "What's wrong?" She wasn't particularly worried- Jaune was there, and if it were serious he'd probably look more concerned than blissfully ignorant and unassuming.

Ruby fidgeted, looking down and gripping her skirt in her hands. "Well, um, I've kind of got this question, and Jaune didn't know either, and we thought… well, you seem to know about a lot of stuff, Blake!" she said, looking up with hope and naked admiration.

Blake felt something stir, a rare burst of pride that Ruby would seek her out rather than Yang or even Weiss. "Well, I wouldn't go that far," Blake demurred modestly.

"But it's true!" Ruby insisted, leaning forward earnestly. "You're really smart and clever, Blake!" she praised.

If Blake's ego were its own cat-faunus, it'd be purring.

"And you're always reading those books of yours," Jaune added helpfully, ignorantly indicating the book beside her. "We thought you'd be purrfect for this."

Blake gave him a short stare, unsure if he'd made a pun or not, and certain he wouldn't think the same if he knew the book she'd been reading. But Jaune was as stupid as he was harmless, and Ruby was waiting with baited breath, and so Blake shook herself to her senses.

"Uh, right," she said, getting back on track. "So what was your question, Ruby?" she asked.

Ruby looked delighted, clapping her hands together in excitement. "Well, it's just-" she began, a bit too loud and grabbing local attention until a hand fell on her shoulder.

"Shh, not so loud Ruby," Jaune said, looking around at the people who'd noticed. "Maybe we should go somewhere less… open?" he suggested as people turned back to minding their own business.

Blake wasn't inclined to move. It was a beautiful day, the shad under the tree was nice, and the sooner she helped answer Ruby's question the sooner she could go back to her book. Ruby didn't have a malevolent bone in her body, and the worse that could happen would be that she'd embarrass herself. Even if Jaune might have his ignorance exposed, the worst Blake stood to suffer was embarrassment by proximity.

It might be good for a laugh afterwards, at any rate.

"No, it's fine," Blake said, dismissing Jaune easily, as most people were inclined to do. "What's your question, Ruby?" she asked instead, wondering what it could be.

Ruby looked relieved and leaned forward, speaking a good deal softer but no less sincerely than she had before.

"Blake, how are babies made?"

/

A few minutes later, a decidedly uncomfortable Blake had decided to take up Jaune's suggestion and relocated elsewhere. They were in a music room- a decidedly under-utilized activity in a combat school- where they could have some semblance of privacy. It also had noise protection, built-in for those students with sound-based semblances.

The two team leaders sat across from Blake, innocent faces uncomprehending the reason for her reaction. Jaune sat there like a dumb blond, a guileless smile on his face as he watched her pace. Ruby sat there, equally cheerful, though she was fidgeting a bit more considering how she'd asked the question in the first place.

Blake finished pacing, working out her nerves, as she turned towards the two. They stared back, politely attentive, waiting for her to speak.

"How," she finally managed, "did this all start?"

"Well, in the beginning there was nothing," Jaune said. "Then Oum conceived an idea, and said 'let's have some kickass fights,' and Remnant was written..." he began, bastardizing the Book of Oum.

"Not that far back," Blake glowered. "This issue specifically."

"Well, it was for that paper on Grimm anatomy class," Ruby explained without a hint of shame or embarrassment. "Remember the one about the mysteries of Grimm?" she asked.

Blake did. There was many things not known about the Grimm, and even if the teachers couldn't answer the questions they could help the students know what they didn't know. The paper had been simple- take any of the many unknowns about Grimm, do some research, identify the theories, and so on. Basic writing, really. Blake had done her paper on the mystery of Grimm sustenance. If they didn't live off of people, they had to survive off of something…

"Well, Jaune and I both ended up taking the topic of 'where do Grimm come from.' I thought it'd be easy."

Blake vaguely remembered that topic, and could almost see where this was going. The paper had really intended to be about the origin of Grimm, like where they came from originally, but if this was about the subject of –shudder- Grimm breeding…

"I thought it was eggs at first, and so did Jaune- you know, Nevermore beings birds and nest and everything- but then Jaune thought the same applied to all the other Grimm. And I'm like, who's ever heard of an ursa egg? But then he's like, well who's heard of Grimm getting married?"

And now she was lost. "Marriage…?" Blake echoed.

"I know, stupid, right?" Ruby said, nodding to herself as she ignored the look of shock on the dumb blonde's face.

"Hey, it was a reasonable point!" Jaune protested, looking at Ruby. "And like your idea is any better!"

"Hey!" Ruby protested hotly, though not with true anger. "Just because people come from eggs doesn't mean all Grimm do!"

"Eggs?" Blake repeated, even more lost.

"Yeah!" Ruby said. "I heard it in class once. I think. I might have been dozing, but it fits! Everyone knows that babies come from the stork!"

"That's-" Blake began as she started, sensing a half-truth in there, but choked. "The stork? Really, Ruby?" she asked, incredulous.

"The stork is a bird, birds lay eggs. I is smart," Ruby declared proudly, nodding to herself confidently.

Blake didn't bother to correct her grammar. Instead she turned her head towards Jaune.

"And where," she began slowly, dreading the answer, "do you think babies come from?"

"From parents," Jaune said blithely. Blake stared, and Jaune continued. "When a man and a woman fall in love, they get together."

Blake stared more, willing him to go on. Please, please…

"And then?" she prompted.

"Then they date for a while, to make sure their love is pure and true," Jaune said.

That's how it was supposed to work. For people, at least. "And then?" Blake prompted again, hoping to lead him to the right answer.

"And then they get married." Blake said nothing, and Ruby squirmed, and Jaune felt compelled to add, "And sometimes they hold hands. The kids just kind of pop out of the garden after that."

Blake still said nothing, looking at him with utter incredulousness, and the squirming Ruby exploded.

"That's not right!" Ruby rejected vehemently. "You don't need to be married! My Mom wasn't married!"

"Oh yeah? And what's your answer, then?" Jaune challenged hotly.

"It's the stork, doofus!" Ruby repeated. "Uncle Qrow told me! A man and a woman spend all night writing letters to the stork, asking for him to bring them a baby. Except it's really tough, and sometimes they scream about what they should write or how they should go faster. And they have to write it on special thick paper, cause sometimes at inns you can hear them shouting about doing it harder. Like, they have to use a really big pen and press down on the paper as hard as they can, but you'll hear a lot of shouting if there's a tear. And sometimes even after a really good night of letter writing, the stork is so lazy or greedy that after a few months a woman has to cook break in an oven and hide more and more of it under her shirt until they can get the storks flying overhead to notice and trade the bun for a baby."

"That makes no sense!" Jaune protested in turn. "Storks are nowhere near that common! And what about places where storks don't even live? How would they move babies there?"

"They could mail them back after they receive the letter," Ruby reasoned, "or wear cold weather clothes when flying."

"That's daft," Jaune began. "And if they had to fly for every Grimm cub, they'd-"

"Stop!"

The two bickering friends paused and turned towards Blake, who was looking at them with a mix of shame and horror. "Just… stop!" Blake begged, trying to regain control of the situation. "That's not how it works," she said.

"Ha! See?" Jaune crowed. "I told you were wrong!" he said at Ruby.

"I can't be wrong! Uncle Qrow said so!" Ruby returned, desperate.

"You're both wrong!" Blake ruled, trying to shout them down. "Both of you!"

That startled them into submission- until a sniffle broke the silence, and worse, tears started to gather in Ruby's wide silver eyes.

"But- but- but that means," Ruby began, crystal tears gathering in her eyes. "That'd mean Uncle Qrow lied to me!" she bawled.

Despite the hot words, Jaune was at her side, giving her a comforting hug and shooting a nasty glare at Blake. Or as nasty as he could, anyway- a veritable 'even if she was wrong, how could you be so mean about it?'

Blake hadn't meant to be mean, but Ruby's tears told otherwise, and a great burden of guilt fell on her. Forget lying about the White Fang- if Yang stumbled about this she might deck Blake for making her baby sister cry.

"Ruby," Blake began, reaching out, "your Uncle didn't lie. He just… didn't tell you the truth." Jaune, stupid as he was honest, opened his mouth to point out the obvious, and Blake shut him with a quick glare and quicker words. "Or at least not all of it."

Ruby quieted, and sniffled, and looked up at Blake with reddened eyes after wiping her face with a sleeve. "You mean there is a stork?" she asked hopefully.

Blake felt a pang of conscience. She wanted to give a comforting lie… but Ruby deserved, needed, the truth. Honesty and the best policy and all that.

"No storks," Blake admitted, actually feeling sorry for a moment even if selective honesty was the best policy, "but there are eggs."

Jaune looked at her in horror, and Ruby looked mystified, and Blake sighed to herself as she tried to remember biology lessons of a different sort.

/

/

"And that part of a woman is called the ovary," Blake finished a few uncomfortable minutes later. "Girls can have over a million eggs in them when they're young."

Ruby looked down at her stomach, transfixed, fingers brushing softly. "That's a lot of omelets," Ruby whispered, amazed.

Blake pretended she didn't hear that. "And any one of them could become a baby," she concluded.

Jaune was less mystified, and looked at both girls with horror. "Are you sure you're not part bird?" he asked. "How do they even fit in there? Or keep from falling out?"

Blake tried to fight a flush, uncomfortable enough at the topic without being reminded of Jaune's presence. Oum, why had he had to be homeschooled out in the sticks…?

"Being a faunus has nothing to do with it, they're very small, and they don't. Kind of," she answered in turn.

"Kind of?" Ruby asked, tears dry and cocking her head curiously.

Blake squirmed. "Girls start will all their eggs, but we lose them over time as we grow older."

"Girls lay eggs?" Jaune asked, blinking dumbly. "I've seen hens do that before. That must hurt. Is that why you get cranky so often?"

"No! And they aren't bird eggs!" Blake shot back, bristling, before pausing. "But, actually… yes," she conceded, going with the simplest answer she could. Of course it wouldn't end sooner rather than later, though.

"I don't understand," Ruby asked, cocking her head in the other direction. "When does this happen?"

"Well, you know…" Blake hedged. Every woman did.

"But I don't!" Ruby denied, puffing her cheeks out in frustration. "If there's something big girls get to do, I want to do it too! I'm not a child anymore! I drink milk!" she petulantly protested.

Even if her education was lacking, surely her biology wasn't. "I'm pretty sure you do," Blake disagreed. "Just think. It happens monthly…?" she trailed off, prompting.

Ruby considered, thinking hard, before an answer occurred to her. "Ooh! Does it have something to do with the mail?" she asked. "Letters from Patch takes about a month, so-"

"There is no stork, Ruby!" Blake cut her off once again.

"How about X-Ray and Vav?" Jaune suggested. "I hear a lot of girls groaning whenever a new issue comes out."

"That bad, huh?" Ruby asked, having never read it.

"Or that good," Jaune returned. "A lot of fangirls like to draw-"

"No! Stop!" Blake demanded, cutting off the tangent. "It has nothing to do with the mail or magazines!"

"Then what does it?" Jaune returned, almost placid in his reasonableness.

"It-" Blake began, but damn if this wasn't awkward. "Ruby, have you ever… bled?" Blake said, more direct than she was comfortable being.

Ruby perked up, catching on. "Oh, all the time!" she said. "Right after going to Signal!" she said, thinking back fondly.

Blake nodded, relieved. Even if Ruby didn't know the facts of life, the pieces were all there. "Right, you see, that-"

"Or I used to until I started making my babies and it stopped," Ruby continued, not noticing.

Blake froze. "Uh-" she began, tensing around buried landmines she had never suspected.

But Ruby blathered on still, and whipped out Crescent Rose, cradling and cooing it. "Isn't that right, baby?" she cooed, stroking it fondly as the lower end was held between her legs. "You were last but not least. You never cut me like those bad boys did, no you didn't!"

Blake breathed a sigh of relief. "You were talking about training accidents?" she said, somewhere between a hope and a question. She hoped the question wouldn't have a wrong answer.

Ruby looked up from her scythe and blinked innocently. "What else would I be talking about?" she asked. "Grimm almost never hit me, not enough to make me bleed."

Blake sighed again. "Ruby, just- just how old are you?" Blake asked directly.

Ruby's silver eyes blinked. "Just over fifteen. Why?"

Blake did the mental math, and scratched the limits of her memory. Usually it happened earlier, but she had heard of some cases- especially young women who might over-exercise…

"Ruby, have you had your first period?" Blake asked directly.

Ruby looked confused. "Uh, yeah?" she asked, as if it were a dumb question. "Haven't we all?"

"Yeah, me too!" Jaune added, reminding Blake of his presence. "We all share the same morning classes. Don't you remember, Blake?" he asked, and Ruby nodded.

"That's not- that's not what I meant," Blake said. "Ruby. Have you ever woken up and found your sheets… bloody?" she asked.

Ruby cocked her head once again. "Nope," she chirped. "Not unless I was hurt. Why?"

Blake swallowed. A late bloomer- really? This late? And she was bigger than Weiss- though then again, the bra could be padded, and Weiss definitely was old enough… "Then have you ever noticed Yang waking up to change her sheets?" she asked.

"Yup!" Ruby chirped, though a wicked grin crossed her faith before she leaned in. "Don't tell her I told you this, but I did catch her cleaning her sheets after having a wet dream one night," whispered conspiratorially.

"Really?" Jaune marveled, interested despite the blush. "Isn't she a bit old for that?" he asked.

"Oh yeah," Ruby said with innocent frankness. "And not just her. I caught Weiss changing her sheets one time when she thought no one else was up. She was real crabby that morning, let me tell you, and I didn't even pull the hand-in-water trick. And then there was the night that Blake was moaning Sun's name and-"

Blake flushed. What she had with Sun was nothing- nothing beyond his dreams, anyways- but that didn't mean she couldn't… appreciate his form in her own. But that was neither here, and hopefully never with Ruby.

"Never mind that," she hurridly interrupted. "My point is- Weiss wasn't just crabbier than normal. She was going through her period. She was changing her sheets because there was blood on them."

That got attention. "Blood?" Ruby repeated, horrified.

"Was she hurt? Was something wrong?" Jaune asked, concerned beyond his simple little crush.

"Nothing was wrong," Blake said, trying to reassure them. "Her body couldn't stop the bleeding on its own, and so-"

"Couldn't stop bleeding on its own?" Jaune repeated, horrified. "That's unnatural!"

"That's not good!" Ruby cried, beginning to panic. "Healthy people don't bleed for no good reason!"

Blake tried to be the voice of reason. "There is no good reason," she admitted, because honestly, fuck that time of month, "but-"

She barely got to the 'but' before Ruby reached out and began to shake Blake with fear in her eyes.

"Blake! Is that going to happen to me?" her team leader demanded. "Am I going to die?"

"Can Ruby avoid it?" Jaune asked, equally concerned for his friend.

Blake was being overwhelmed by the shaking, but managed to shake her head. "ShE cAnT," she managed through the shakes, before stabilizing her own head and remembering her resolve. Honesty is the best policy. "It's going to happen. It's a part of life and growing up," Blake said with sympathy.

Ruby dropped her arms, sinking into herself. "No…" the little red reaper whispered, looking at her own body with fear.

"Blake!" Jaune insisted, getting a bit too close to her personal space, but Blake could forgive him this one time. "How do we stop it? How do we stop the bleeding?"

"You can't," Blake said, as solemnly as if passing a death sentence. "You can only endure." As all women through history had.

Ruby looked up, afraid. "Does it ever stop?" she asked.

Blake shook her head. "Not until you are much, much older," she said.

"Older than Ms. Goodwitch?" Ruby asked.

"Older than that," Blake affirmed.

"That's practically ancient!" Jaune protested, loud enough that Blake was glad for the music room's sound-proofing.

"I don't think I could take bleeding uncontrollably every month until I was as old as her," Ruby mourned.

Despite the air, Blake snorted internally. Even if it wasn't controlled, per see, it was hardly that bad. But still, it wouldn't do to make light of Ruby's fear now. Honesty was still the right policy, right?

"Isn't there anything we could do to stop this cycle… period… thing?" Jaune pleaded.

"I don't think you could. Not unless…" Blake began, but trailed off as she realized how unreasonable it was. Ruby and Jaune, of course, didn't, and hope lit in their eyes.

"There is something?" Ruby dared hope. "What, like some special flower in a cave somewhere?"

"Is it hard? To get to?" Jaune asked. "If I need to go in and pluck it, I will. I'll mount any peaks, comb through every valley, or plumb any cavern for Ruby, no matter how slick the crevice," he vowed, earning a grateful look from his friend.

His ardor caused a slight blush to light on Blake's cheeks. "It's, er, not difficult, but it could involve you-" she began, before cutting herself off.

"Blake?" Ruby prompted. "What could Jaune do for me?" she wanted to know.

Blake flushed more. "It's not what he could do for you as much as to you," she rambled, wishing she could take back what she said and just hide behind her book. "It's just…"

Seeing two expectant faces, she bit the bullet.

"You wouldn't have your period if you were pregnant," Blake said.

Both Ruby and Jaune looked at her, not saying a word, forcing Blake to go on.

"I mean, technically you could try to be pregnant all the time to avoid your period, but that'd not…" Blake trailed off, laughing nervously.

"Why not?" Ruby asked, cocking her head. "Sounds like a great idea to me."

Blake froze.

"Kids are cute," Ruby added

Blake froze more, and could only watch in horror as things snowballed.

"Yeah," Jaune agreed, as if coming to a realization. "You've got, like, a million baby eggs in there, right?" he asked, gesturing in the vague direction of Ruby's ovaries. "Even if it takes nine months each, that's still, like, a bajillion babies you could have. One-point-three babies per year. So by the time you were done with Beacon…"

"I've got three more years after this one, so…" she began counting on her fingers. "Four kids by graduation?" she guestimated, ignoring that she very likely wouldn't be able to graduate Beacon under this novel health-care plan.

"Sounds about right. Unless you had twins," Jaune agreed.

"True, true," Ruby considered. "But I can't do it on my own. And Blake said an egg needed to be fertilized by sperm from a guy."

"I can help," Jaune said, as easily as if offering a ride. "I don't know what 'sperm' is, but you can help yourself to any I have," he offered.

"Thanks, Jaune," Ruby said with a grateful smile. "I wi-"

"Wait wait wait! No!" Blake intervened, snapping out of her horrified trance. Forget a punch for making Ruby cry- Yang would kill her if this talk ended up with Ruby pregnant. "You can't do that!"

"I-" Jaune began.

"No! Shut it, you!" Blake pre-empted, pointing an accusing finger. "Don't you touch her!"

"Huh?" Jaune began, "but-"

"And don't let her touch you either!" Blake hissed, before turning towards Ruby to shake the girl as her leader had so recently shaken her. "Ruby, you can't do this! I won't allow it!"

"Blake-"

"No! It's not worth it!" Blake shook the little girl. "It sucks, but you aren't going to die!"

"But Blake-"

"No! It's not worthy dying over! It's not worth me dying over!" Blake snapped. "You cannot get pregnant, Ruby! You cannot have sex to get pregnant, and especially not with Jaune!"

"Hey now-"

"Shut it! And you- say it!"

"But you-"

"Not you- Ruby! Say it!"

"It-" Ruby attempted.

"Say it!" Blake demanded, shaking the little girl, until stronger arms pulled her off of her team leader. Ruby was left with little spirals in her eyes as Blake's focus returned to her. Jaune's grip was firm, but strong, and while Blake could have attacked him to escape she chose to wait and let Ruby recover her wits. To see if she'd learned her lessons. Ruby stabilized, and quickly held up her hands in peace.

"Blake, I won't," she placated the faunus girl. "I know I can't have sex with Jaune just to get pregnant," she said, and Blake relaxed.

Of course she couldn't- Ruby had a dream, of being a Huntress, rather than just in a kitchen somewhere with countless rugrats. Blake felt a bit of shame at how wound up she had become, and how she'd taken it out on the little girl before her. The little girl looking at her with those wide, innocent silver eyes that brimmed with honesty and integrity.

"After all," Ruby admitted, looking at Blake softly and perhaps a bit sadly.

"We don't know how," Jaune said, standing behind Ruby and putting a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

Something broke, and Blake didn't realize she had collapsed until she realized she was nearly at ground level. Jaune's arms behind her were stabilizing her, holding her up as much as against him, while Ruby kneeled down in front of her. Blake had a strange sense of vertigo, and Ruby's mouth moved with words that Blake didn't want to hear.

"I'm sorry? Say that again?" Blake asked.

"I asked if you could teach us how to have sex," Ruby repeated, perfectly frank and honest. "Since we don't know how."

Blake flushed, and snapped. "How?!" she managed between the blushing and whine she wanted to let out. "I just explained- how could you not know?!"

"Uh, actually, you didn't explain that part," Jaune pointed out, far too calm. "You just talked about ovaries and periods."

"But- but- ovaries! Sperm! Together!" Blake tried to make out, too combobulated for coherent sentences. She settled for making a circle with thumb and finger in one hand, pointing a finger on the other, and putting finger through circle repeatedly for emphasis.

Ruby and Jaune watched cluelessly, trying to make sense of it. Ruby turned to Jaune.

"I guess you really do need to put a ring on it?" Ruby hazarded a guess. Jaune just shrugged.

Blake whined again, but there was no escaping this. No more than she could escape the blush dominating her cheeks. Choking on the words, Blake struggled to speak.

"Ruby," she choked out, "when a guy and girl are… together… when they are really close the guy gives a girl sperm for her ovaries, and…" she trailed off, far past uncomfortable and hoping this would be explanation enough for the both of them.

The tilt of Ruby's head suggested it wasn't. "How close?" the painfully naïve girl asked.

"Very," Blake answered. "Touching," she managed to elaborate.

Ruby's head tilted the other way. "How do they avoid the cootie catcher, then?"

At this point, Blake shouldn't be surprised. "Cootie catcher?" she asked.

"Yeah," Ruby nodded. "Yang told me that guys naturally have cooties, and that girls can catch them if they get too close. Once a girl catches a guy's cooties, the guys never go away until they get their cooties back," she explained.

Even Jaune- or rather, only Jaune- raised an eyebrow to that. "Cooties. Really. And you believed that?" he asked Ruby.

Ruby pouted. "Well, why wouldn't I?" she asked. "Yang's cootie catcher was catching all the boys at Signal."

Blake paled. "I did not need to know that," she said, trying to shake the images out of her head. "And did Yang tell you anything… else about this 'cootie catcher'?" Blake managed.

Ruby considered. "Well, she did say that if it cooties ever itched to only scratch it alone," Ruby said shamelessly. "Yang has to buy a lot of panties hers itches so much."

Blake was pale enough that a little light-headedness, and paranoia, and even a touch of curiosity, were only natural. She wondered if she was exceptionally dirty minded, or the two before her exceptionally dumb, when Jaune opened his big dumb mouth.

"Cooties itch? Maybe I do have them," Jaune considered. "Every once in a while in class, and so afterwards I-"

Blake held up a hand. "Stop. Just stop," she begged for mercy, head pounding with all the blood to her face and brain. "I don't want to hear about you masturbating."

Two pairs of eyes looked at each other, blinked, and then turned to blink at her.

"What's masturbating?" Jaune and Ruby asked in unison.

"It's sex with yourself, and-" Blake answered with familiar ease, before stopping. You know what? Fuck this. Figuratively.

"It'll be easier to show you," Blake said. Blake stood up, grabbed Ruby's hand, and began to pull the girl to one of the conveniently private sound-proof booths of the music room.

Jaune stood up and made to follow.

"No!" Blake shouted in alarm, a practically permanent shade of red on her face blazing even harder. "Not you!"

"How am I supposed to learn about masturbation if I don't come?" Jaune asked.

"Yeah!" Ruby protested in defense of her friend. "Jaune needs to come to!"

"It's not decent!" Blake protested, clinging to a modesty she rarely practiced even as she pulled harder on Ruby's hand.

"It's not fair is what it is," Jaune protested. "You'd show your cootie-catcher to Ruby and not me? I'm the one who could be caught!"

"Yeah! And Jaune deserves to learn about sex first hand, not second hand," Ruby added, resisting as Blake gave another pull on her finger. "If I come, Jaune comes."

"No!" Blake shot back, horrified at the accidental innuendoes the team leaders were dropping. How could they be this… innocent didn't begin to describe it! "I won't allow it!" she asserted.

Jaune made to protest again, but Ruby pulled her hand away from Blake to put it on Jaune's shoulder in solidarity. "It's okay, Jaune," Ruby assured, looking a little disappointed with Blake but sounding a lot cooler than normal. "It's not worth fighting over."

"But how can we learn about sex if Blake won't demonstrate?" Jaune asked, ignoring how Blake tightened in a nervous twitch.

"We'll just have to find some place to figure it out on our own," Ruby reasoned, giving a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "You know. Just us two dorks, alone, fumbling about in the dark without a clue what we're doing, learning the hard way…"

"Sounds like fun," Jaune said. "I'm more of a hand-on kind of guy anyway."

"Fine!" Blake shouted, hands curled and eyes shut as she conceded. "I'll teach him, alright?"

There was a silence, and when she opened her eyes Blake saw the wide-eyed disbelief and hope of her team leader. Jaune simply stared at her, mouth open.

"Really?" Ruby asked, unable to believe it. "You'll show us?"

Blake nodded, and tried to take a deep breath, but only just avoided hyperventilating instead. It was just enough oxygen for the brain.

"Teach. Not show. And not together." Blake reached over, picked up her literature, flipped to a random page in the middle, and practically shoved it into Jaune's face.

"Start reading and don't stop until it makes sense," Blake ground out, and then grabbed Ruby and dragged her to a privacy booth. She just barely managed to slam the door before Jaune could start reading aloud.

Ten of the most excruciatingly embarrassing minutes of her life later, Blake and Ruby emerged from the room with red cheeks. Well, Ruby emerged- chipper, practically skipping, and the red on her cheeks was the sort she always had in good cheer, albeit with the occasional suppressed giggle. Blake, in contrast, practically staggered out. An increasingly familiar red stained her face, and she looked like a woman starved for sanity, or modesty. She stumbled out of the booth, and wanted nothing more than for it to be over.

The two girls approached Jaune, who was engrossed in reading Blake's literature. No blush graced his cheeks, no pervy giggles, only an unusually earnest expression as he turned the pages. He only looked up when he heard Ruby's giggles approach.

"Hey Ruby," he greeted. "Did she…?" he asked, indicating the struggling Blake.

"She sure did," Ruby giggled, sweet innocence radiating from her face. "She taught me a lot, and even showed me how to-"

Blake was exhausted, mentally and physically, but not too tired to stop that tangent. "Enough. I showed her enough. And there's nothing left to be confused about. Unless you have any questions?" she asked, tired eyes staring at Jaune and silently promising murder if he did…

"Actually, I do," Jaune said, neither he nor Ruby noticing the radiating animosity from the tired Blake. "I mean, I get how it works. I think. I didn't think ovaries were in the butt," he admitted, fighting a slight blush, "but how typical is all that, really?"

"Typical?" Blake echoed.

Jaune nodded, blush fading as he did. "Like, who has that many ropes hanging about, or more than one set of handcuffs? And I don't really think candles are supposed to be used like that. But isn't the main guy a bit… off?" Jaune asked.

'He's a smut star,' Blake didn't admit. "How so?" she asked instead.

Jaune shot an awkward glance at Ruby, apparently less willing to spoil Ruby's innocence than Blake had had to. "Well, I mean, I realize I've no frame for reference," Jaune meandered, shuffling his feet a bit, "but isn't he a bit… under-equipped?"

"Whut?"

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked more elegantly, still unfamiliar of the world of porn.

Jaune looked back at the book to check. "Isn't 'eight inches of raw, unrestrained masculinity' on the short end? I mean, I can only compare to myself, but still…" he trailed off.

Blake whimpered as unsought images and an entirely unwanted feelings filled her mind. She was not curious. She did not need to know. She was not going to ask.

So Ruby kindly did so for her, looking as sincerely curious as Blake had ever seen her.

"So how big are you, Jaune?" Ruby asked.

Jaune laughed nervously. "Well, I'm sure it's nothing special, but-" he began.

"You don't have to tell us!" Blake rushed, hoping to spare Ruby's (possibly) still innocent ears, and her own mind the thoughts of thinking about it.

"But Blake," Ruby began to whine, "I want to know! Show us, Jaune!"

"Well, if the lady insists," Jaune agreed, reaching for the buttons of his pants…

"It's great! I mean, it's fine! We don't need to know!" Blake insisted, frantic energy building like steam in her head.

"But Bla-ake," Ruby whined, "I want to know! I'm curious! Come on, it could be fun!" she cajoled.

"No! It won't!" Blake shouted, hyperventilating. "Besides, you can't! You promised not to have sex with Jaune!" she reminded.

"Technically she didn't," Jaune pointed out, a bit too contemplative and not nearly opposed enough. "You just made her say she couldn't have sex."

"And that was before you told me how," Ruby pointed out.

"No no no no," Blake repeated, eyes wide and ears down. "You can't! You can't have sex to get pregnant!"

"So what if we had sex for more than just to get pregnant?" Ruby counter-offered.

"Yeah. Like curiosity. Or fun!" Jaune offered.

"Then I'll kill you!" Blake claimed, then thought one better. "I'll castrate you!" she nearly frothed. "I'll tear it off!"

Jaune covered himself instinctually, but Ruby put her hands on her waist and adopted a scolding expression as she bent forward at the waist. "Now wait just a minute, Blake," Ruby began, sounding very disappointed "You can't just go about putting your hands on Jaune's-"

"No more talking about it! Don't even think about it!" Blake ordered, nearing a tipping point. "This discussion is over! All of this! And I'm going back to bed!" Blake declared, making to leave.

"Aw…" Jaune pouted behind her, not sounding nearly as embarrassed as he should be after a lecture on sex ed, but Blake ruthlessly put any residual guilt about threatening castration to the side as she hurried to the door to flee.

"It's alright, Jaune," Ruby counseled, something in the girl's comforting tone sending a shiver up Blake's spine as her hand froze on the door knob.

"If you say so," Jaune accepted before deciding to change the subject. "So, what was the deal about your cootie catcher?" he asked instead.

"Oh, we can hit that later," Ruby said easily. "You show me yours and I'll show you mine?" she offered.

Blake's eyes rolled up as her body fell down towards the floor in a faint

/

Blake woke with a groan to the familiar feeling of her own, having woken from the worst nightmare of… well, the last week or three, anyway. Hearing her partner's voice was a welcome relief all the same.

"Hey kitty cat, waking up finally?"

Blake let out a moan that was also a yawn and possibly a sigh, and Yang took that as the admission it was.

"Was kind of worried for you at first, when Jaune carried you in," Yang started conversationally. "Good thing Ruby was with him, or I might have gotten the wrong idea."

Blake groaned at the mention of her unwitting tormentors, and for being forced to admit it wasn't just a horrible dream after all.

Yang paused, waiting for anything more, but ended up being as impatient and direct as always.

"So…" she drawled. "Want to talk about it?"

"I hate you, Yang," Blake confessed by way of answering. There was a silence, and she could practically see (or feel) (or hear?) Yang raise an eyebrow.

"And what did I do this time?" Yang asked, not disputing that she had indeed done horrible things and gross negligence worth hating, just wishing to clarify.

"Your sister," Blake began, "is impossibly innocent."

"That's usually a good thing, but you sound like it's not," Yang noted.

"And not just her," Blake continued, ignoring her. "Jaune too. How blonde do you have to be to be that ignorant? I don't know how, but you're blonde too, so it's doubly your fault."

Now Yang was past willing to be offended, and simply bemused. "Do go on," she invited with a smile. "I gotta hear how this works out. How is Jaune being himself my fault?"

"Because even if Jaune is… Jaune," Blake bit out, "it wouldn't have mattered if Ruby weren't so… Ruby!"

Yang re-raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Again you make that sound like a bad thing. How does this come back to me again?"

"Because you should have given Ruby The Talk, not me!"

Blake's outburst thundered like a mewling kitten, and echoed about as much. Still, there was a contemplative silence as Yang considered the errors of her ways.

Or not.

"Blake, did you hit your head when you fell?" Yang asked with honest concern. "Eat something bad? Have weird dreams involving my sister?"

"I wish," Blake grumbled, not caring who she was speaking to, "but no. Teaching your sister the facts of life was too embarrassing to imagine."

"Are you sure?" Yang asked. "Because Ruby and I got the talk when I was twelve."

Blake froze, and her neck gave an ominous creak as her head swiveled to look at the blonde.

Yang was leaning back, looking at the ceiling as she reminisced at the amusing memory. "Yeah," she nodded to herself, "it was right as I was getting into Signal and Ruby was starting training. I got my first period, and Dad and Uncle Qrow didn't want any confusion, so they sat us down and gave us the birds and the bees without any actual birds or bees."

Yang snickered at the memory. "You've never seen grown men so uncomfortable as when two little girls keep asking for details. Dad needed a drink so bad after that, Uncle Qrow didn't just let him have some but joined him," she sniggered. "That was our first introduction to the world of alcohol. Ruby couldn't even finish her glass. Ah, good times," she sighed, wiping her eyes of imaginary tears.

Blake's mouth went dry. "And Jaune?" she managed.

"What about him?" Yang asked, honestly perplexed. "He went to school too, even if it wasn't a combat academy. And doesn't he have, like, a dozen sisters or something?" she asked.

Blake didn't know he had any, actually… which probably went a long way to explaining why she'd been willing to believe it. Blake turned to her other side and away from Yang, mind racing through her recent memories. Every line, every accidental innuendo, every earnest question born of ignorance…

Blake felt a kaleidoscope of emotions as heat and pale passed over her face. Anger, shame, humiliation, a touch of admiration… but mostly embarrassment.

Why those little… When she got her hands on those two…

The door opened, but it wasn't her first victim- not if the click-clack of Weiss's heels were any indication. Blake kept her silence, facing away from the Schnee she kind of liked but didn't feel up to talking to right now, and pretended to sleep. Yang, considerate for once, let it drop- though Blake could tell there would be more questions later. Hopefully after she hid Ruby's body.

There was an easy, if not companionable, silence in the room after initial greetings as Weiss set aside her books and notes from studying. Normally she was content to not disturb the peace, but today the Heiress was actually the one to break it.

"Yang," Weiss began, getting the blonde loafer's attention, "is there an illness going around the school?"

"Not that I'd heard," Yang answered. "Why? What's up?"

Weiss ignored the improper casualness that they took for granted. "Well, it's just-" she began, uncertain of how to put it. "As I was returning from the Library, I saw Ruby and Jaune carrying Pyrrha to JNPR's room."

Yang sat up. "Wonder girl's sick?" she asked, surprised. Pyrrha was usually the healthiest of them all- product placement foods notwithstanding.

"She must be," Weiss reasoned, though she sounded perplexed. "She was burning bright red, and I don't even think she knew Jaune was carrying her."

Yang whistled at that, but then took a contemplative tone. "You know, maybe there is something going around. Blake fainted earlier, and Ruby and Jaune helped her back here too."

"Is that why she is asleep? That was good of them," Weiss praised in their absence. "I may have my doubts about Jaune, but certainly with Ruby there nothing… improper would happen."

"Oh, come on Weiss," Yang said with exasperation. "Jaune's crushing, not a creep. He's not that bad," Yang spoke up for her sister's friend.

Blake had her doubts, and the inkling of a suspicion, before the door opened again. Even though she was still playing silent sleeper, she could hear the rustle of a tell-tale cloak.

"Hi girls," the allegedly innocent leader of Team RWBY greeted. "Is Blake doing better?" she asked, voice dripping with a false honey of concern that was a tad too loud to be discrete.

"She would be if she were allowed to sleep!" Weiss hissed, far more concerned than their careless leader.

"Oh! Sorry!" Ruby stage whispered, probably covering her mouth.

"Nah, it's cool Ruby," Yang waved off, speaking only marginally softer than normal. "Heard about Pyrrha. How is she?"

"Oh, she's fine. Just had a stumble. Happens to the best of us," Ruby claimed breezily.

"Happens to you, maybe," Weiss shot, but not entirely meanly.

"Yeah. Right," Ruby laughed. "Actually, Weiss, I was going to look for you next!"

"Me?" Weiss asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Ruby affirmed. "I was kind of hoping you could help me with something…" she began, surely looking as timid as she sounded.

"I am not doing your homework for you, or letting you copy mine," Weiss pre-emptively warned.

"It's not that!" Ruby denied.

"Something wrong, little sis?" Yang asked. "Your big sister is right here, you know…" she offered.

There was a sound of Ruby shuffling her feet, and probably looking down and downright adorable as well.

"Well, I've got this question," Ruby began, as if shyly admitting ignorance, "and Weiss is really smart…"

There was barely half a heartbeat before Yang let out of raspberry. "Pass," she said.

"Of course you would," Weiss sniffed. "When Ruby needs real help, she knows who to turn to first," she claimed. It was a wonder her head didn't knock a top bunk with how large her ego was swelling..

Yang may or may not have given a bird, but Ruby's excited clap was unmistakable. And probably accompanied with… not crocodile tears, but earnest, innocent eyes.

"Really Weiss? You'll help?"

"Of course!" Weiss agreed, eating up Ruby's adoration. "I am older than you, after all, and have many things to teach if only you'd listen more," she bragged.

"Oh, thank you thank you thank you!" Ruby repeated, and Weiss barely even protested as Ruby made a grab and began to drag the heiress towards the door.

"What, you don't want to do this here?" Weiss asked, marginally confused.

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but Jaune had the same question too," Ruby claimed. "We were hoping you could teach us both? Jaune didn't want to bother you, but I didn't know either, so-"

"Well, I suppose it is the duty of the Schnees to enlighten whoever we can," Weiss agreed. "So long as he doesn't try to flirt or anything."

"Oh, he won't. He promised," Ruby promised, pulling harder.

"Fine, fine, I'm coming. What's the rush?" Weiss half-heartedly grumbled as she was led out the door, and the door soon closed.

The door closed, but Blake waited a bit before turning over towards it. Yang was waiting for her, and already had a mixed look on standby.

"Was that-" she began, indicating the door, and torn between mirth and incredulousness. "Is she- are you feeling alright?" Yang asked, not wanting to laugh if Blake really was sick.

Blake flashed a hungry smile, showing what she preferred to think of as her felines. "Oh, I'm fine," she purred, grinning at the impending schadenfreude. "But Weiss might not be feeling so good in a bit."

Yang laughed. "I bet," she said, before leaning forward and giving an equally predatory smile. "Or rather- I will. How much do you want to bet that Weisscreame screams?" she asked.

"Depends," Blake returned, already reaching for where she kept her wallet. "Am I betting with you or against it?"

/

White crumpled to the floor, and was just barely saved from hitting her head by the quick hands of an experienced knight.

"Hmph," Ruby scoffed. "She didn't even last as long as long as Pyrrha. Though she did give reference material, so my partner wins," Ruby boasted.

"I'm more curious as to why she was carrying around Sex for Simpletons in the first place," Jaune mused, even as he gently laid Weiss down. "Was she waiting to break the subject with you or something?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "I got the Talk before I got my first real weapon, and I've known what sex was since I caught Yang at it. I'm cute, not a child," she pouted… childishly. "Watch where you put your hands," she added warningly as Jaune lowered Weiss to the ground.

Jaune rolled his eyes in turn. "I'm a man, not a molester," he countered, but there was no hostility between either of them. He stood, and gave a smug grin as he held out his hand expectedly. "I believe you owe me something?" he asked.

"I was sure she'd screech," Ruby grumbled as she pulled out a 50-lien note and handed it to him. That was a lot of cookies she just lost on Weiss…

"You also thought Pyrrha would offer to demonstrate with me one-on-one," Jaune pointed out. "I am totally not sorry for taking your money for that one, by the way," he said. "There was no way Pyrrha would want to do that with me."

"Well she probably would have if I wasn't there!" Ruby protested. "In fact, I think she might have been trying anyway when she finally broke…" she mused, eliciting a snort of disbelief from Jaune. "Anyways," Ruby moved on, "I was right about Blake giving you her porn, wasn't I?"

Jaune snickered. "Point," he admitted, before a moment of introspection. "It was surprisingly well written," he added. "I'm going to have to look about downloading it on my scroll," he considered.

"Sure, sure, you perv," Ruby waved, not wanting to hear another defense of 'literature'. "Speaking of which, where is her book?" she asked. "You know Blake's going to want it back."

"Oh, I thought I'd want to see her expression when she came by for it," he said.

"Murderous and at knifepoint?" Ruby asked, skeptical.

"When I told her I left it in the library… and that she could claim it from the Lost and Found," Jaune said. "By the way Velvet blushed when I handed it over, someone else recognizes the title. And is holding on to it with special care."

Ruby's eyes widened, her cheeks reddened, but she giggled in outright mirth.

"You, Jaune," she managed between laughs, "are a bad, bad, Huntsman."

"So I'm told every day," Jaune admitted with a laughing smile. "So, Weiss didn't scream, and we're good at least until they wake up. Who next?" he asked, turning their minds to the task at hands.

"Well, we can't try Yang, she knows better," Ruby reasoned. "Nora's too unpredictable to bet on, while Ren is so predictable I bet he'd just explain it on the spot."

"With diagrams," Jaune nodded with certainty.

Ruby looked up, and smirked. "I think it's time we cast our net wider. See who we can really get before they catch on. What do you think of Miss Goodwitch?"

Jaune's eyes widened in alarm. "Weiss may kill me when she wakes up, but she won't get me expelled. I think. Plus, we wouldn't get the chance to do anyone else after Goodwitch."

Ruby hemmed at that, and hawed until an idea came to her.

"When you turned in the book to Velvet… did you tell her if you read it or not?" Ruby asked.

"Neither," Jaune denied. "I just said I found it in the hallway, and asked her to hold onto it until whoever owned it came by. She was too embarrassed to ask anything else."

Ruby cackled in anticipation. "Well then, I think it's time our bunny sempai got to explain to her poor, innocent, and oh-so-confused underclassman what exactly he happened to read. Here's how we'll do it…"

/

Fin

/

Author Note:

April's Fool's Day!

Here be a comedy piece for the holiday. There wasn't even any angst, though it seems I couldn't get away without torturing someone.

Thanks to Coeur Al'Aran for both the banter and beta for this... and for giving little nod to it in this week's chapter of Not This Time, Fate. There's a funny story behind the creation of this idea that's a bit too dirty to go into, an idea tossed with Coeur that will probably never be written. But it was based around the idea of Ruby and Jaune not being as innocent (or ignorant) as they often get cast as being, and this was what was actually written. Coeur actually suggested this story end with a reveal that Jaune and Ruby are in a serious relationship... but eh, I thought the friend ship would make it better and more accessible. Personal rule of thumb- don't include shipping in a story unless it's important. Here, it's wasn't.

Cheers to those who read it, and hope you enjoy it. Being busy lately has cut into the space I'd usually use for writing, and an upcoming move will keep me busy for awhile longer. We'll see if I can get back into the swing of things soon enough and finish various projects.

Till then, hope you enjoyed this, and leave a review if you did. Feedback makes the world go round (or at least around flattered writer ego's.)